Dark is coming.

Tonight I'm really struggling, I can't focus on anything I usually can and I'm feeling anxious almost constantly. One minute I seem to be hungry, the next I'm on the verge of panic and feeling bloated despite only having had a biscuit. 

I can feel the pressure of the darker nights and the colder weather coming. I can feel autumn and the winter following close behind and what that means for me, the illnesses, the 'celebrations' and the PTSD that comes with it. The memories and fears and I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about it.

It's been warm here today according to everyone else but I've been cold, inside and out. 

My depressive phase is coming down on me again and I just feel that in this moment in time, this night that I can't cope. 

I've had aconite with no effect and I don't want to take loraz if i can help it. I've barely had any for weeks and It's the best I've done since I was first prescribed it. 

My nights are constantly filled with nightmares and I'm scared. The dark is truly coming and there is nothing I can do to escape it. 

Hmpf

The title sums up how I feel right now. 

I'm tired, working hard, maybe too hard, messed up my eating habits, worn down from people around me and I just want some time to write and lose myself in the land of my making where I like the people and they like me and I have friends. 

Reminders

Today I've spent all day looking after my Angel and the house and animals. I've also done a lot of cooking. It got to the point where I was so physically exhausted my legs wouldn't hold me up anymore and my blood sugar dropped as did my mood. Thank fully that wasn't until just after T came came from work. He made me sit down for 5 mins then I carried on. When I finally did sit down to relax at half 7 a nasty panic attack started, it was horrible and I thought it was illness and not panic. I sat on the sofa while T and his sister sat at the computer talking and I just looked at random things on my phone and listened to my sisters vlog. It was a bad enough panic that I've ended up without my watch and all but my engagement and wedding rings on.

As the panic started to ebb away I just felt and still feel drained but the memories of how hard panic attacks used to hit me came, how I'd be covered in scratches and completely jewellery-less. It was hard enough to focus on anything during it tonight but these things used to affect me worse, I'd have to hide away not just sit quietly in the same room as others. They used to last for hours, sometimes days and I couldn't help but cry, for that poor girl. It's the second night in a row where I've been reminded of things past and it's made me emotional, devastated for that child, that person who was in so much pain. 

I've started writing another book, this one isn't a romance, horror or lgbt novel, this is the story of my life. Even if it doesn't feel like I'm that same person, she deserves to have her story told and the girl is talking to me.