Proving myself

Yesterday but long after I finished the blog entry, T's family arrived and at once my mask slipped into place. There were times when it was hard but more because of depression than panic. I had no meds and I stayed calm all day even eating. I scared myself at times. Realising I wasn't faking the smile on my lips, they were real smiles and I was having fun.
In the evening T and Angel went out with them the a big meal but I just knew I wasn't up to going so I stayed home and cried and did housework. I felt so alone when I should have been with my family. They had a great time though. Throughout the day they all kept coming back to the move and our visit which should be middle of January. I kinda felt a bit like everything was being planned and i didn't even know yet, yes I decided that we would move there but every time the idea settles into place, my mind fills up with doubts and fears and I talk myself out of it again.

Last night when Angel was asleep in bed we decided to have a TV night. It would have been lovely and relaxing if I hadn't accidentally completely ODed on caffeine. We knew id had a lot but looking over the ingredients and things today, I had far far more than we first thought.
It was horrible. I had major shakes, my temperature was sky high, my heart wouldn't stop racing and my metabolism kicked up causing hunger pangs and nausea even after I ate. I didn't feel like I could breathe and I couldn't see properly or walk. Scary, very scary. I don't think it would have been so bad if I wasn't exhausted from not much sleep the night before.

Today I woke up okay and after much worrying, a quarter of a loraz and a bit of aconite we went to some shops to pick me up some scales for the kitchen. I was terrified but I persuaded myself out of the car and into the shop. I felt bordering on normal thanks to loraz. I went round that shop then T took Angel to the car to move it, I surprised him by saying that I would walk the whole way across the retail park. I did fine, I went in shops and then the biggest challenge of all; T suggested we eat lunch out. I again was very worried and unsure but I went in and focussed on Angel. I ate a meal out in public.

The plan for the afternoon was to tidy and pack some of the house. First though we took puppy out for a walk, straight after lunch! We walked a long route and he was well behaved.

Trapped inside

As predicted the goal for today completely failed. I'm now stuck at home while T and Angel are out having fun.

It's been nearly a month since I went out properly on foot past the postbox and it's been nearly 2 weeks since I went to the postbox and longer since going in the car.
The longer I go without going out the harder it is to do it.

The things against me today were the low level nausea feeling I still have which Im thinking must be hormones. I also wasn't ready to go out. We had an hour to get out and do things before T's family and T spent most of that time in the bathroom which left no time for me to get ready so when he stood at the door a minute ago asking if I'm ready to go the answer had to be no. How am I supposed to get ready when I can't even do my teeth.

I sooooo don't want to be near his family today as much as I like them I'm in that phase where I want to hide and having a house full of people isn't what I need. Again he didn't want to cancel so I have no choice and he wonders why I get moody and argumentative.

I don't know what to do now, I want to say that I will hide out if the way when they're here but I want to be near Angel I feel so yacky and horrible in my tummy from the stress and everything. Today will be hard.

Lack of self belief

My night was full if nightmares, nightmares that didn't just cover one topic but all the things that are bothering me, scaring me and upsetting me. It was an onslaught if one after another. One of which involved some of T's family visiting and bringing with them a tummy bug. Tomorrow his family are coming to visit, I am terrified. I've tried to talk to him but he won't cancel. I'm not up to even socialising with people but I don't seem to have a choice.

When I got up this morning I really didn't want to. I didn't have the energy to fight the sleep and I didn't want to face the world. I don't really remember what was the trigger to get me awake but I got up and dressed and went downstairs. I was half asleep, almost as if my body and mind refused to wake up properly as a form of protection so I couldn't feel how I'm feeling. If that makes any sense at all.

When i realised that it wasn't going to get me anywhere, T wanted to get onto his work and Angel wanted her mum, I somehow managed to get moving.
The morning was actually okay in tend of looking after Angel and puppy but come 12 yet again They both turned evil and with my blood sugar dropping because j needed lunch it started to slip and go wrong.

I almost lost it in the afternoon again but somehow just just managed to hang on with my teeth.

The plan for tomorrow is that when we get up we have breakfast then drive up to the big shop and have a look for some nice food for over new year, spending a voucher we were given for the shop there. I would like to believe I can do it or at least try but I don't think I will.

As i said above, T's brother, sister in law and their three children are coming and I do don't want them too.

With all the stress, anxiety and stress my tummy has been feeling icky so tonight I've taken a blue tablet to try and settle it and make me sleep.

Vexed

I'm really pissed off which may make this entry shitty to read and I don't blame you if you'd rather not.

Today started okay, I got up to my alarm for once and T went out to work for the first time in about a week and I did the housewife thing of staying home and looking after everything. The morning was fine, the puppy messed me about when he got too excited but apart from that it was alright. Me and Angel had a nice time doing colouring and stickers, jigsaws and having lunch. After lunch we played with some playdoh then T came home. Angel started playing up, she seemed to be tired and if I was home alone I wouldn't have put her in her cot because every time I do I find it too stressful and end up self harming etc. I was very unsure about it but T wanted her to go have a nap. He took her up and from the moment it was suggested she cried, played up and moaned. T kept going back into her and she continued to mess about. I started to get angry, not just from her but from him too, the way they were both hitting off each other and the noise and everything. I was already pissed off when she was brought back downstairs. My mood went further and further downhill as we took the tree down( I'd had enough of it) and then tidied and stuff. The puppy kept playing up, biting etc and I was so fucked off with the noise if him being told off. I told T, although it was obvious anyway, how annoyed I was getting, and how much i wanted to self harm. especially as I was trying to move the furniture in the room back to normal. I think Angel the only one not peeing me off really. I decided to put puppy in the garden for 5 mins to calm him down and me down too. He refused to and tripped me up and that was it, I lost it. I made a big dent in the wall from slamming it open. I shouted and I told T I just needed up get out. I went upstairs and grabbed a blade, grabbed a coat and went out, kissing Angel along the way then slamming the door in my anger.

I walked up the road and around the corner into an industrial estate when barely anyone would be. I sat down on a wall and just stared at nothing. I thought about everything. I wanted to go further, walk until my feet bled but my stupid fears and anxiety kept me there, not far from the house. So angry with myself.

I know I couldn't hide for long, T text mr to ask about dinner and whether he should do it. I took a few more minutes then came home ready for the mental beating, the shouting, anger and shunning but it never came. I got back, made sure Anfel was okay and T was behaving normal as if nothing happened. This peed me off more. He's still behaving normal now and I can't understand that. I need to be hurt, I don't care how but I need it.

Siting here now I can feel my anger riding again. I'm a fucking bitch, a disgusting excuse for a wife and mother and part of me hopes that when I tell T I can't go to Norfolk with him that he will leave me here. I can die, it's the least I deserve to miss out on my child's life, miss out on a new life. I'm not ready for it, I don't deserve it and I certainly don't want to be included and loved. I'm am a disgusting little fucker, was from the day I was burn, fucking hideous both inside and out. I shouldn't have survived this far, I don't deserve a life like normal people, I'm not normal.
When Angel goes to bed I'm going to go and be alone.

I don't believe this they're at it again, arguing and shouting.

Just fuck it.

So is this goodbye? (No talk of suicide)

I haven't stopped thinking about the idea to move to Norfolk. Is it an idea or a plan now? I don't know. I think in my mind its still only an idea but in T's mind it's happening.

If I leave here I leave my old life and my family behind. There aren't many people I will miss. I guess that there was always the hope in my mind of seeing my mum again, taking to her, smiling with her. But it's a broken dream, I have hurt her more than anyone can imagine and she's hurt me just the same. But that doesn't mean that leaving for good is going to be easy. I don't know if u could go as far as to say I will miss my dad all that much but he's still my dad. I think out if everyone he's the one that's most likely to come and visit.

My baby sister might be selfish and mum like at times but I love her so much and the thought of barely seeing her hurts so much. All those times I looked after her, taught her everything and protected her. She's thinking of moving away to uni but I'm not convinced she will go, if she decided to then I guess it would make it a little easier. Ill never forget how it tore us both apart when I left her at mum and dads house and moved out alone. Her broke her so much that day, can I do that again but far worse?

Kardi is another person which would miss terribly, we have always been so close since he was born 5 weeks after me. I can't imagine a life without him in it and I know I will hurt him so much to leave him.

My nanny is the last person that I will miss, I keep telling myself I rarely see her anyway but it's different living nearby and rarely visiting to saying goodbye for the last time, knowing that when I see her again it will be in her coffin.

I feel so torn, like T shouldn't be asking me to leave what little I have left while at the same time he has a huge family that love him and Ari and I would be a complete bitch to deprive them of the copious amounts of love there.

I suppose today isn't a good day to be thinking like this, especially as its the day when only a few years ago I was the Illest I have ever ever been and today my anxiety, PTSD, Panic and OCD us at iits worst.

So far today I have tried to pretend it isn't today. I've spent 2 hours cleaning non-stop until I forgot to put something into me for my blood sugars sake.

I can't think right now, I'm messing myself up with these thoughts.

In hoping my bestest friend is okay, today is just as if not harder for her.

Back to cleaning and loud music, the only way to forget.

The angels, gods and goddesses watching over, please help me at this crossroad.

Changing hearts

It's been a nightmare over the past few days with the toilet breaking and the workmen coming out all hours if the day digging up the back garden, removing the bathroom furniture including the toilet, mud everywhere and us completely exhausted with no toilet. We have a barely working one to use until the new year but its better than nothing.

Today was Yule and we got up early and had our breakfast, got dressed and then opened our presents. It was lovely, Angel was so excited and it was a huge treat after the last few days. It was later than expected when we'd finished so I had a rush to get the lunch sorted I just managed it and we had a homemade pie with veg which was lovely and worth the effort.

I spoke with my sister partway though lunch and she was as good as in tears on the phone with stress from trying to choose a uni to go to and dad withholding her Christmas present and not getting her anything else in the mean time and him being very moody and grumpy with her as well as Us and her getting no help from her mum at all. I almost felt bad for my thoughts about her earlier in the week but I didn't feel guilty, she should have told me instead of coming across as a poo head. T decided to go pick her up and she's staying over tonight. It's been nice chatting with her but T and I have also been having a serious talk about moving to Norfolk. This came about even more seriously yesterday when we had an offer put in on our house. We did some sums and decided, that in light of house prices dropping, to accept even though it was a lot lower than ideal.
After the phone call to accept, T got straight back onto the phone to his parents to tell them our plans and ideas. His bitch sister( the one we don't like) taking over part of the annex threw a spanner in the works although we could still make the smaller space work temporarily. I started having doubts and basically talked myself out of it. I think it was a relief to get a spanner in the works, maybe it was the jerk I needed to see the major negative and unknown side to going.
The main things that worry me are

1, at least one of us will have to get a full time low paid job to keep us tide over until T has done his plumbing course and got up and running.

2, his knees and the ops he needs and the time it will take to heal before he can properly for or do anything.

3, space, where we will put everything.

4, them finding out the real me.

5, the germs

6, having to allow others time with my Angel and feeling like I'm skiving on her care.

7, both T and Angel realising what a monster they live with when they have his family to compare me too and I will stick out like a fluorescent glow stick. Who will Angel want to be with; her nanny who cooks with her, is nice and treats her all the time or me who gets angry lots, shouts and terrifies her and pushes and upsets her. T and Ari will grow towards his family and in the end when they all get to know the real me no one will want me and ill be alone. At least ill know that they're safe and happy there in a way that I can't make them happy. I can then die.

Tomorrow Ts parents are coming to visit and his mum has, as I expected taken our ideas to mean its definite that were going, T really wants to be near them.

I'm going to have to try to get so sleep now. Tomorrow will bring what it brings.

That is how I felt yesterday but today after the visit with Ts mum and dad I'm feeling more positive, that a move might be best. All the plus sides we will get out of it, all of the bonuses and happiness and one of the things I'm most afraid of; freedom at last. A support network, living in a rural area, beach within an hours drive, great shopping villages and towns, great schools for Angel. Living near her family who adore her. Acres of land to run around in and 5 cousins to play with. I will be finally able to learn to drive and get a car. More time for my work and is very rarely have to be alone if I chose not to be but I could equally shut us in our house and be with my family alone. Another thing I've thought of is if T have his ops in Norfolk then we will have a much much better support available for both of us and it would be a hell of a lot better and he could have plenty of time to heal, no rushing it. He is so keen to live near them and I know it is the best thing for Angel. So now it's only hoping the sale goes through and trying to keep positive. Trying to cope, knowing there are more germs but also knowing that they will be better off and maybe even I will be eventually, maybe.

Awakening

I'm not where to start with this so I guess I'll just splurge it out and hope it makes sense.

First a quick recap. The last day I wrote was on Saturday, Sunday we didn't go out. Yesterday I wasn't sure about going out, I was having the problem where the weak afraid emet driven person was battling with the stronger more determined person and I went out with T and Angel for a walk. I kept going that little bit further, pushing it that bit more until I got to the post office where we were heading and then the confident self snapped into place and I was fine. I ate on the way home and not my usual picking the food out of my bag where it's hidden but actually holding the packet crisps in my hands properly, not hiding that I'm eating or what I'm eating. (I also danced around a scaffolding pole, and giggled in public). :/

My day started good today, it's my closest friends birthday and it just felt like a special day, like we were sharing it with her :) Angel and I didn't go out but my grandparents came round out of the blue after I'd had a staying in breakfast and hadn't even brushed my hair. I calmly opened the door and I couldn't have asked for a better behaved puppy or daughter, they both shone for me and I was incredibly proud. I didn't even get anxious let alone panic and then when they were about to go my grandma turned to Angel and said, "I hope father Christmas brings you lots of presents" Angel looked up at her and said "Father Christmas doesn't bring me presents, I celebrate Yule with Mummy and Daddy". My grandma looked taken aback and asked me what she'd said so I repeated it calmly and explained what she'd meant to much nodding from Angel. Proud turned to beaming and I stood up for what I believed in and didn't just smooth over or ignore the Merry Christmas's. They (especially Grandma) was understanding and even knew a few things about the Winter Solstice celebration.

Slight pause here, Puppy was just poorly, I knew it was going to happen as soon as I heard the noises but I bravely, unbothered or stupid, I didn't look away. At the time I looked after him while T dealt with it but now, well here comes the panic. ...

Hopefully I can write through some of it because I really want to get down what's happening. My family have managed to trigger me again. It starts with something small and petty and it grows and forces memories back inside my mind. My family yet again have been getting crapper and crapper, the visits from dad and P have dropped down to almost nothing and when they do visit they don't stay very long before dad is rushing off to see one of his latest girlfriends. When they do come, they're quiet, not talkative, not fussed about playing with Angel and generally it's just strained and awkward. Only back in the summer dad and P would come over, bring cakes or something nommy to eat and stay for hours, most of the afternoon. Dad has made promises he hasn't kept, about helping with fixing the house and decorating. He left getting Angel's Yule present until the last minute and they were all sold out, then tonight I find out that he's given the money to P so she can get it from the internet and get it delivered (this bloody late) probably so he doesn't have to come over again before Christmas. Not only did I find out that P is doing the last minute shopping and making sure she and dad are only spending the bare minimum on Angel and that they won't be delivered no where near in time, but also that she's not planning to come round until the weekend. On Saturday it's Yule and it's our family day, Sunday Ant's mum and dad are coming to visit for the day and we rarely get to see them. She knows both of those things and she sure as hell won't be coming when we already have plans. The only day she can come now to get Angel's present to her before Yule is on Friday afternoon, 1 the presents wont be delivered to her in time and 2, although she doesn't go to school in the afternoon, she never ever gets her lazy, self conceited arse over her under her own steam unless there is something in it for her.
I havn't heard from my nanny at all, apparently she asked M (the estranged mother) and P what Angel wanted and never bothered contacting me.

I rarely see my grandma and granddad but without fail they always give Angel a gift and a card but most importantly; a visit. The same goes for T's parents and most of his family.

So, with my families nice behavior dragging up lots of buried memories of my childhood, that rant brings me onto the scarier stuff. T has been contemplating, planning and plotting.

Plan 1, once his operations on his knees are over and he's okay again (if they work out right) he's going to make a career change. Over the space of about a year to a year and a half he will be doing a professional trade training course to train as a freelance plumber. Once he's qualified and working in his new job we will move up to Norfolk, and sell the house from afar, to be nearer his family and where is best for him and for Angel.

Plan 2, Is the house sells before that time, we move into the spare apartment/house attached to T's mum and dad's house and he'll do an intensive training course and once he's up and running as a plumber we'll get our new house.

So the overall outcome over the next 3 years unless T's knees aren't made substantially better by the op's, is for us to move to Norfolk, hundreds of miles away from my family and the only friend that lives near me.

Not only is the emet side of me terrified but I also don't want to allow them close to me, don't want them to see what I'm really like, what I put Angel and T through just by being the fucked up me that I am.

Everything is changing around me and I don't feel like I can hang on tonight. It doesn't help that I haven't slept for half a week again, but my world is changing and even if it's a good change, change is scary.

Nothing right

I'd like to say that since my last blog entry things have improved but they are very much all over the place. I am still feeling very desperate and like self-harming but I feel like I have to keep it all hidden inside right now. Part of me wants to hand the knives over, stop the self-harming, show myself and everyone else that I have the strength to do it. But on the other hand its one thing that I enjoy doing, it costs nothing and it usually causes no lasting damage. If i decide that I'm going to stop then decide to start again then I will be even more of a failure, it's a huge commitment to make and I don't know that I'd ready to yet, I like doing it.

This time of the year everything is focused around family, how Christmas is all about family and getting together. The only family I have doesn't bother with me unless they have to. It's what I'm used to, it's who I am, I've always been the odd one out, the freak and solitary. There is T's family now but I can't stand seeing them this time of the year because of the extra germs and the extreme illness that happened a few years ago. I didn't want to see them at all, especially knowing that they have recently been ill but when T was in tears tonight because of how much he misses them and how much my family doesn't fill that gap I agreed that they could come visit for one day but just his mum and dad and on the Friday before Yule. He rang them and its turned out that his mum and dad aren't coming until the day after Yule, which is usually when I fall hard and the the following week his brother, sister-in-law and their kids are all coming. The only reason I'm allowing this is to make him happy and I won't tell him just how unhappy and anxious it makes me. I'll wait until he goes to be and cry.

Yesterday I spent most of the day doped up on ibuprofen which is the only pain killer I can take thanks to allergies etc I wasn't dying or anything like that, but it did feel like my stomach was being torn out through my bellybutton. Who would have thought something as simple as a period could cause such pain? The pains were so similar (although nowhere near as painful) as labor pains and it pressed a lot of buttons with me, leaving me in tears for most of the evening.The flashbacks were bad and the nausea caused by the physical pain and the mental pain was nasty. I ended up laying on the floor with a hot water bottle trying to work on a jigsaw.

Today I got up, showered and dosed myself up again so that I could go out. I wasn't keen on the idea being in pain but I felt like I needed to and I got in the car and we went. The first shop we went in I stayed in the car with Angel then the second shop, I was very nervous but I got out anyway. I forced myself to look round for the things I needed, I stayed in even though everything in me was telling me to go back. I pushed it all away and concentrated on what I was supposed to be looking for. After the pushing and forcing I calmed down and was able to stay calm enough to get the things I needed then eat a big lunch when we got home.
I spent the afternoon making the walls and chimney for the gingerbread house I'm making for Yule.

My sister and my dad came around, but it wasn't a great visit again; they barely talked or interacted with us and to be honest I don't know why they bother any more. Since P broke up with her boyfriend we've barely seen her at all and I can't deny that I feel used, all those times she stayed over just so she was nearer to town to meet him and barely spent any actual time with us. We always try to do so much for her, we're always there for her but like the rest of my family she only seems to want to know us when there is something in it for her.

I have something else that I'm bottling up that I want to have a good moan about but I'm afraid that I will upset people I actually care about so for now I'm keeping it to myself.

Tonight I just feel like I can't do anything right, I'm working my ass off to do everything in the house to make everyone happy, keep everyone fed and clean. T's knees still hurt though, he's still upset and in pain. I'm not going to be able to make Yule what it should be, It doesn't feel special like it should and I don't think it's going to. I just don't have it in to me to make festivity.

If I could have one wish today, I would wish to cry all my fears away.

Today has been awful.

I started the day with nightmares about an ex friend who lives very close to where I do so there is a big risk of bumping into her.

I didn't feel like going out and challenging my fears so I stayed in, I ate things I wanted to eat rather than what I should and the puppy wound me up all morning. Angel behaved okay and we spent a while playing on my computer and doing a craft activity. Lunch time came and Angel had started to get a bit moody which she always does (like me) when she's not eaten for a while. I made lunch and ended up losing half of mine to her and didn't bother making myself anything else. By the time lunch was over Angel was showing signs of being exhausted and was beginning to play up. I thought I'd let her just have some time to play with whatever she wanted which is what she usually prefers to do when she's tired. She got one thing out then another and another and didn't want to put them away after herself. She just couldn't settle on anything and I decided it might be best lay her down for a nap, I was so tired of telling her off and trying to reason with her. She stropped all the way up the stairs until my patience was even more thin, then  lay her in her cot and as usual explained to her that she didn't have to go to sleep, she just needed to have a little rest, she could tell Teddy and Monster all about what she'd been doing that morning, etc etc. I left the room and within a few minutes of me sitting down she was playing up again and I got annoyed but managed to keep calm and quieten her down, yet again explaining to her. I came out of her room to the smell of something nasty, I knew right away it was the puppy despite the fact that I'd only taken him outside for the toilet only minutes before. The kitchen was a state, it was everywhere and I got had to get down on my hands and knees and clean the whole floor with antibacterial spray while listening to Angel crying and creating on the monitor because I couldn't just leave it and go to her. By the time I'd cleaned up and everything was safe and hopefully germ free I needed to wash my hands even though I'd used gloves, so with plenty of soap, boiling water and the last few mins I washed them thoroughly then ran upstairs to Angel in fear that she was feeling poorly or something by the way she was going on.

I got in her bedroom to find that she wasn't hurting, feeling poorly or anything remotely important or life threatening, her blanket was simply a little disturbed and sitting wrong. I straightened it out and went into my bedroom in exhausted tears knowing exactly what I'd do.

No more than a minute later I was trying to stop the blood and calling T while beginning to shake violently and crying uncontrollably. He answered right away and dropped everything to come home to me even though I told him it wasn't life threatening I was just scared etc. Before he got home Angel started up again and I went into her and had to lift her with the wound to the loo and get her a drink before I put her in her cot again once more explaining as calmly as I could that she needed to get some rest. I left the room and the shaking and crying started again. T got home ten minutes later and stitched my wound and dressed it then took over with Angle for five minutes.

Unfortunately T had to go back out a short while later to the hospital to get the results of his MRI scan. We knew that either way the results would be bad but the worst was confirmed. He has very bad damage to both knees and they both need operations. He has to have the right one done first because that is the worse one and if he leaves that he will be crippled for life. He should be in and out the same day but each one will take about a month to heal which means that I will be in full charge of everything for that time and then after while he's having physio. Last time he went into hospital the same time last year (in Jan) he nearly didn't come out and I 'still' couldn't get myself to go in and be with him. He says that in some ways he prefers me being at home, that way her knows that me and Angel are safe and he has everything ready to come home to, whereas if I went he would be worrying about how I was coping, worrying about my phobias and panic and I'd have a lot to sort out when we got home to make the house comfortable for him. I think it's already a set thing that I most likely won't be going in with him. Now I need to get the strength over the next few weeks to deal with this a cope when what I really want to do right now is shut myself away and hide from everything.

Tonight I am going to panic, tonight, I will keep crying even though my eyes are red and painful. My head is thumping and my stomach is roiling in protest to everything. I don't want to wake up tomorrow, I don't want to see another day and for now that will have to do, I'm running on empty, I have nothing else to give.

December fears

It's that time of the year when in the past the illnesses have started and true to that I have a cold. Don't get me wrong I'd rather that than the other but it just reminds me that the germs are all around us and even someone like me who has major limited social interactions can catch things.

Usually the bugs start when we put the decorations up and against all my fears and beliefs that day was yesterday. T had suggested it and although I was unsure both he and Angel were excited for it and I have to admit probably through insanity so was I a little. It still doesn't feel very sparkly and Yule like but I guess if I get ill it will. Tonight I'm lying in bed feeling unwell in more ways than one and panicking that I'm going to get it. That the germs are out to get me and could already be inside me.

This was supposed to be a catch up entry but with all my panic and anxiety everything I was going to write has gone from my mind.

Need to go find a distraction now.

No idea what possesses me

T let me sleep in an extra hour or two this morning and the difference it made to my mood and my ability to wake up was amazing. I didn't expect to be going out because of how bad T's knees had been the previous day so I had more coffee than I would let myself have going out on and I also had some chocolate which is a huge no no for going out on as I've probably said before.

T then suggested that we just pop out to the retail park nearest us so I could have a look for the last Yule present for Angel. Needles to say I was very unsure and scared. I don't know what possessed me; I got the bags ready, got myself ready and in ten minutes we were in the car. The rive over wasn't so bad, I kept telling myself I would be okay, it's just simply thoughts that I'm not well and thoughts can't hurt me. We got there and again I was scared and worried, but I got out of the car, and went around the whole shop expecting us to be going home afterwards. I won't deny that I was anxious and on the verge of panic but something inside me kept going, wouldn't give up, even when T suggested we drive down to the other end of the retail park to get Angel some new shoes, or when from there we drove across town to the supermarket to get food instead of going home. I don't know where the strength comes from sometimes when I feel so weak I don't want to wake up some days. We didn't park near the shop, we parked in the middle and T and Angel went in to start the shopping while I went into the other shop on my own and got Khan some new balls (he's already massacred some of his), a new calender for next year, some chocolate for me (it fell in to the basket, not my fault) and also some wrapping paper to wrap all the presents. I was panicky, I thought about leaving a few times but again that force drove me on and I got all I needed to get, paid and went back out to the car to put the things I'd brought. T and Angel were still in the supermarket and after talking to T we decided that I should just wait in the car for them because of how on edge I was feeling and how far away the car was from the shop. I sat in the car and nibbled some crisps, had a drink and realised I needed a pee (I know you didn't want to know that). I sat there thinking, 'I'll be fine till we get home, If I go in I might be ill in public, I won't be able to get back to the car in time if I do, I'm scared........... etc' Then I thought 'nope, they're just thoughts' and goodness knows how; got back out of the car, locked it and went into the shop and to the toilets. I promised myself it would only take a few moments, I wouldn't touch anything (they're sensor toilets thankfully) and I will use handgel to be sure then I'll go back out to the car and wait. I kept true to the not touching anything and the hand gel, the going back to the car though, I didn't. I came out of the toilets and walked all the way down to the other end of the shop to where T was loading the shopping into the trolley and paying and I gave Angel and huge hug and then helped T. I was almost shaking from fear but I wouldn't let it stop me; I walked out of there like a normal mother and wife and I don't even know how.

I was telling T today how sometimes just thinking about the things I've been doing, or am thinking of doing give me a panic attack just from the terror of what I push myself to do that I would never have dreamed of doing. Again thinking about it now is causing panic and shock, I'm sitting her shaking my head and biting my lip in puzzlement. I don't feel like me, I'm not me, I don't know whats happening.

This afternoon Kardi came over and he once again helped out with Angel and also played with Khan while I chatted to him and got an order put together from my shop. Later my dad and sister came round and once again we had a housefull. I was feeling a bit on edge but I kept my calm, concentrated on Angel and played with her while Khan went to sleep on T, my dad mostly played on his phone and didn't talk much, P did a similar thing and me, T and Kardi chatted. I don't know why my dad bothers to come round anymore really, he didn't even both with Angel until he went and both he and P seemed put out about the fact that I had gotten a list of things together that Angel might like for Yule, P eve moaned about the price after saying she wanted to spend just under 50 and I chose something for Angel that was 20, she had the bloody cheek to ask me for my 10.00 voucher I got for doing a questionnaire to make the price cheaper!!

The last thing I want to write on here is another little thing I did this evening; I've had a little Mrs Tiddlewinkle  tin for as long as I can remember, my mum gave it to me and inside I kept jewellery and things my mum gave me. I've never ever been able to get rid of it, I've kept it for years like baggage, taking it to where I live and keeping it shut away. I ended up roping myself into tidying the dining room this evening and T came across it where I'd stashed it out of sight and mind. He knew it was mine and silently went to put it back into the bag he'd found it in but I took it off him, opened it and looked inside. This time I didn't see guilt, I didn't see chains or locks, or keys to my heart or head. I found a load of old bracelets with coloured plastic beads and an old tin which had some paint worn off and was beginning to go a little rusty inside.
I told T what it had meant to me, how long I'd been keeping it and then I dropped it into the bin bag and told him I don't need it anymore.

Going to try to make it a quick one

I'm going to try and make this entry a quick one, I have tonnes of writing to do and I haven't had any chance for over a week. It's one of my main outlets for releasing feelings and pent up emotions so not getting a chance to do it isn't a great thing at all, not to mention the new deadline of the end of January for the book I'm working on thanks to the title being stolen.

Today we all got up early and after several accidents, a bath for Angel, a shower for T, breakfast for everyone except me and some messing about we finally went out and were already running a little late. I was feeling rough, not at all up for going for my first session a few miles away at a new building with a new therapist. I got into the car and cuddled up under my fur coat for some semblance of comfort then we set off.  It took ages to get there, much longer than we or the sat nav had expected and when we got there not only was the area rough and nasty looking, but there was no where at all to park even streets away. There was a carpark there but only for staff members. Angel then announced suddenly that her tummy was poorly so my emetophobia went into overdrive and the panic got worse.

After driving around we realized there was no way for us to park up anywhere and for me to get to the appointment so T pulled up onto the double yellow lines and went inside to explain. The receptionist was a shit head and apparently asked T 'what do you want me to do about it?' when he told her the problem we were having. He asked her to go tell the doctor so that it was logged than we didn't miss the appointment because that would lose me my place in therapy and I would have to be re-referred again.

T suggested that seeing as I'd taken loraz to get there we may as well make use of it and go somewhere else, which was when I turned to him and told him I hadn't taken anything. He looked so surprised and happy and I couldn't help but blush, he then went on to tell me for the rest of the drive to the shops that he was immensely proud of me and I'm wonderful etc etc. Since I've been on the loraz I have never been to a therapy session without it, let alone a brand new place and DR.

We went to a pet shop, one that I would usually find anxiety inducing because it's so unfamiliar but I was okay, no, I was fine really. We looked around, spoke to the woman and I went off with Angel to look at the pets for sale while T brought the medication we needed to worm and flea Khan and I was in control, confident and okay.

We went over to another shop from there, one that was more busy and very decorated for Christmas which usually sets me off, once again, no panic to report, I was even ready to leave the car and go down to more of the shops but T's knees were hurting and me and Angel were starving to death so we came home.

Even writing this now, I'm finding it hard to believe, this isn't me, I think I'm going mad, this isn't me at all. I havn't been like this since I worked 7 years ago and I'm on a much lower dose of Floux. I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong now, I've come this far but there is going to be a set back, there has to be, there always is.

The rest of the day involved taking Angel to the toilet, taking Khan out to the toilet, cleaning, tidying, cooking and looking after everyone while T was a little short with us all and grumpy with his knees being in pain.

Tomorrow I have Angel and Khan to look after on my own, T will be at home but working upstairs and I will be responsible for both of them and all the housework. I hope it isn't as hard as I'm imagining it to be.

Khan

After my blog on Monday night, I went to bed feeling happy and positive only to be woken up feel poorly in the night. It didn't feel like a panic attack, it felt like my tummy was poorly, but I guess that's how the phobia works, it tricks the mind so it might have just been the phobia and panic from waking suddenly, but it could have been something real causing it. I ended up coming downstairs, at about 1 after only getting to sleep at half 12, and watching TV until I felt well enough to lay down then even more well enough to attempt going back to sleep. I was woken at 6 in the morning by T and Angel because T had to go out to work at 7 and I would have Angel all day alone. We were still having our breakfast when T went out and then the morning seemed to slip away. Angel and I spent the majority of it tidying and getting the living room ready for the puppy. I really didn't think I would manage to get out because of how bad a night I had and the huge unknown as to whether I really felt ill or not and whether it would come back. T told me not to worry, that he would pick up the things we really need, so I had a perfect escape. However, something and I don't know what possessed me and around lunch time I decided to go. I got Angel ready and picked up the bags Id made up ready the night before and went out. I had the perfect excuse to come back home and not push any further when we only got part way up the road and a nasty very racist old man (he's lived in the area for ages) was shouting and swearing and hurling abuse at everyone no matter what race. Angel was scared and it made my heart pump but I knew I could protect myself and more importantly my daughter from him and I even silently challenged him in my mind to say something to me, but I was the only person who got away without being shouted out. The thought did cross my mind that maybe I should give up and go home and use him as an excuse, its a valid one, but I'm deranged and continued on.

I kept thinking to myself that if I am ill, then I am. People can judge me but it's not my fault and the main thing is that I'm trying and I'm looking after my little one. (WTF? I know, that's not the voice in my head talking! I have no idea where it came from because my phobia hasn't lifted at all, I'm still terrified).

I walked past my chemist and doctors, past the busy road, ill people coming in and out of docs and up past the rougher area and the nursery before coming out by the shops. I was quite panicky, but instead of going home, I forced myself into the bakery to at least get Angel some lunch before going home - Mummy rule 1- child comes first. I handled it okay and got myself some iced doughnuts for home knowing that even if I couldn't go further I had gone that far and actually being able to appreciate that for once.

I crossed the road though instead of turning back for home, and I went into the shop where I would get the puppy things. I was edgy at first but I ended up coming out of there with 3 huge bags of things including a new pedal bin for the living room so that puppy wouldn't be able to get into it. The walk home was cold but I was okay and I even ate my lunch on the way home, despite all my fears.

At home Angel and I continued tidying up the house and got everything and extra done before T got home from work just after I put Angel to bed. Once Angel was happy in bed, T went back out to get he puppy and once he got home the first thing we had to do was clean the carrier and the poor dog after in fear he'd peed, pooed and was 'ill' on himself. I handled it, I was on edge but I helped, I even got my hands dirty (cleaned them very very very thoroughly and antibaced them after though).

We spent the evening getting him settled in and getting to know him, by the end of the evening he was settled quite well and had taken to me much better than I thought he would, even crying when I left the room. We decided that we weren't keen on the name he'd been given previously and changed it to Khan which as a family we all decided on for definite this morning.

Thankfully I slept last night, although I had to be up early again so am exhausted. Angel was silly tired and had gotten up early so the meeting of her and Khan was less smoother than anticipated but now they are best friends and although she was afraid, she loved him from moment one.

We had lots to do today, first we'd planned at long last to get me over to the hue outdoors shop twenty minutes away so I could do some research for my book to help me out. I didn't take any meds and we went over there not long after they'd opened. I went off on my own around the whole shop, munching my crisps and making notes and taking pictures. It took a while and Angel played with T in the tents that were all set up  but more importantly, despite being anxious when we first got there, I was fine and got done what I wanted to get done with flying colours.

The next challenge of the day was much harder though, and with a some motion illness feeling. We stopped off home and picked up Khan who as we drove along, cuddled up on my lap rendering me unable to move and made me feel trapped. He dribbled in fear and I kept thinking he would be s*** but somehow I just managed to keep it together, keep talking to Angel, reassure the dog in my arms and talking to T. We arrived and at first found nowhere to park then we found a space but it was a distance from the shop. T went inside carrying Khan and I was left to get Angel out and lock the car. I was feeling very icky from the drive but I made myself suck a sweet, have a drink and nibble something before getting my act together and going inside the store. Once again although we were't as near the car and we had an extra little man to look after, once we got inside I did it, I coped. I was a mother I did what I needed to do and made it more fun for Angel too.

We got Khan a collar, lead, big bag of food and an identity tag but the vets part of the shop wasn't open so we couldn't get him his first jab like we'd planned, his microchip or the flea and worming treatments. T rang out usual vets while I took over holding Khan and kept talking Angel about the fish. He made an appointment for twenty minutes time, which meant that we needed to get back across town, past home and back out to where we'd been to the big store first thing in the morning. I was NOT looking forward to the travelling but I knew that we would need to get him jabbed and the sooner the better so he could go out. I started with him in the footwell to give me more space but the poor thing was scared so I let him get up onto my lap and I cuddled him all the way there.

I have never been into our vets since they moved over a year ago now, I have always been to panicky and scared. Today though on no meds, I got out of the car and went into the building. It wasn't as scary as I'd imagined, it was light and airy. We were called in after only a few moments and I decided instead of waiting in the waiting room I would go into the vets room and allow the door to be closed behind us.

I was annoyed when the vet told us that because we hadn't had him for more than three days she wouldn't give him his first jab or anything else, which meant that the journey had been a waste of time and of my strength. I tried and I guess have managed to let go of that anger and just allow myself to be pleased about the fact that I did it. I was scared and felt ill but I did it and on the way home the silly soppy Khan fell asleep in my arms.

After lunch Angel and I both had a nap and so did Khan and T got some time to play his Xbox for a while, the rest of the day has gone so fast and now it's time for a shower and bed.

Tomorrow I have got an appointment to see a psychologist, I guess to assess me and see what they are willing to offer for support and help apart from meds. Usually I would be a wreck about it by now, but at the moment I'm okay. I'm shaky and worried but okay. I'm trying to see it as a choice-less thing in the hope that I won't be able to talk myself out of it. It's back over where the vets is so another not so nice journey tomorrow. :(

I'll see in the morning whether I can go or not and what the next move will be.

New addition to the family, another rule broken.

When I was born my mum and dad had a dog called Purdie, she was an German Shepard, Rottweiler and Border Collie cross. She was gorgeous and loving and my best friend and I grew up loving her to bits. For some reason my mum and dad didn't ever get her jabs done or get her spayed. When I was about 8 I was playing in the garden on my swing as usual and I accidently swung forward not knowing she was walking in front of me, I couldn't stop and I kicked her in the side, she cried and whimpered and limped for ages and I tried to make her feel better by hugging her and talking to her, apologizing over and over again while mum and dad just carried on doing what they were doing.

We went on holiday about a week after and we left Purdie with my grandparents as usual. Part way through the holiday we got a phone call to say that she was poorly and wasn't eating and crying lots.
I asked my dad if we could go home, I wanted to see her just in case she died and I'd never get to see her again but dad said no, it was a waste of money to go home when we had two days left. I was taught that wasting money is a major NO so I shut up and cried silently in bed at night instead. There had been no change and my grandparents hadn't bothered to take her to the vets. When we got home, my dad took her the day after and I wasn't sure I would see her again. An hour later though he brought her back, she was given tablets to take and he told mum that she had a womb infection (from not having puppies or not being spayed) but I remembered that I had kicked her in the side not more than a week before it started and I was convinced I had done it and I knew no different. She continued to not eat and my mum and dad for some reason only gave her the tablets in food instead of making her take them anyway, so she missed doses and she got worse over two days until she couldn't stand up. I watched it all unable to do anything about it except cry and cuddle her, hold her and reassure her that she would be okay.

Dad got home from work and mum told him how she was and he decided to take her back to the vets. She couldn't walk, her legs just kept giving out under her so dad had to pick her up and carry her. He lay her down on the back seat and she just curled up. I kissed her fur and cried. Mum wouldn't let me go with them. I sat in the kitchen window for hours just watching and crying, waiting for them to come home. The car drew up outside and I waited, but only dad got out the car and I just wanted to be hugged by my mum and cry but she only offered a small amount of love, more than usual though. Dad as usual didn't express emotion at all as he told us how she'd died on the way there with dad's hand on her head while he drove along, going as fast as he could.

I can't believe how much this hurts to think about and how long I've tried not to think about it.

I was depressed and upset for weeks, I would cry a lot and sometimes even months later would burst into tears, missing her. I remember one night, the only hug I ever remember from my dad, when I started crying about her death and both he and mum promised me that we could get a new dog, that I would get a new friend.

The months passed into years and I began to get a grudge against my parents for doing what I considered one of the worst things ever, to break a promise.

I blamed myself for Purdie dying though and although I wanted another dog, I never believed that I deserved one, after all if I did then my parents would have gotten another one.

So to this day even though I've been moved out of my mum's house for nearly 7 years I have never gotten another dog.

After throwing away some of the crap from my mum and J in my mind, I almost feel like there is enough room to maneuver now, to allow myself to finally believe I didn't kill our dog, it was my mum and dad that failed to get her spayed and failed to get her better and my grandparents for not getting her to the vets quick enough. I was a child, a child that was led to believe I didn't deserve another dog, had promises broken and never had my worries about being a murderer eased.

I am not that child any more though, I am an adult and it's time I got myself the one thing I have always wanted, always missed.

So today after talking idly about it with T for a while and knowing just how much he loves dogs and has always wanted one since his last one died, I decided to get him one for Yule. However I knew I couldn't keep it a secret because he needed to help me choose because the dog would be for all of us, another member of the family and price and breed etc would need to be explored and thought about.

I never thought when I got up this morning that I would be looking for a puppy this day. Despite my anxiety about telling him the idea, he loved it and at once started looking with me. We looked at lots of different ones and whittled it down to a few breeds and crossbreeds we liked best. Then we looked at distance and prices and what each of the breeds would offer. We kept coming back to the same puppy, a slightly older one and not a breed that we were really looking for; a Rottweiler with a little Staffie in him. He looked gorgeous in the pictures and he had the same colouring that Purdie had which really endeared me to him. He was more expensive than we really wanted to pay though so we looked at others. However no matter what breeds or keywords we searched for, he kept popping up on all the sites over and over again. In the end we fell for him hard and T text the number to see if he was still for sale. Sure enough although we doubted he would be, the owners called back not 5 mins later and T arranged to go see him this evening. I put an excited Angel to bed then T called me to say that he's ours, we're going to pick him up tomorrow night. T is so excited and I'm so excited I can't sleep or eat! I feel worse than a child at Christmas! I'm incredibly glad that after such a shitty and hard weekend I can make T so happy, that we've pulled back together as a family and we now have a new edition and T has a few days off for us to have lots of family time with all of our animals and with each other.

My goal for tomorrow is to get out of the house with Angel and get into town to get the things Bently will need for his new home with us.  T is going into work very early in the morning and is going to be working over an hour away again until nearly Angel's bedtime again, so if I don't go and get the things then we won't have them for him. I already have the bags ready so my plan is to get up, take some lorazapam right away then start puppy proofing the house while I wait for it to work and we have breakfast and things then get myself together and go out mid morning or at least after the schools have gone in.

I almost feel like I'm mentally slapping my mum in the face with this, but more importantly I don't care what she thinks about us getting a dog, screw her, this is my life.

Dreaming a load lighter *warning, most positive blog yet!*

A few days ago T told me about a book which was written as a piss take of self-help books. I wasn't so keen on having them ripped apart with them working well for me and how much faith I put in them, my take on it was that if it works for someone then it doesn't matter if it's powered with pixie dust or written by Elves, the main thing is that it works. Oddly the book actually had some good points and they made sense although they were from a sarcastic 'aren't I funny' point of view which was highly irritating. 

Anyway, one of the examples was talking about how your subconscious is a place where you store things that really belong to other people but you keep them because they have been given to you, have your name on them and you feel you should hold onto them, they almost become part of the building itself because of how long they've been there. He used the metaphor of a boat and barrels on the boat in the book. It made sense to me but I never really believed I could let them go, but that is another barrel in itself. 

Last night before I went to bed, I was re-reading over some of my blogs, partly to find out what caused my last drop after I had been doing so well for a few weeks (I realized that it happened after I'd been in charge of Angel for a few days all day long while T was working an incident just like this time) I am hoping that by realizing how hard I could fall after having to hold it together for so long alone will help me survive, help me stay on top as well as finally admitting to myself that I need some time off to do some writing or something for myself.)

Back to the title to this blog then; reading back through the oldest entries brought it home to me that I'd listened to the conversation that was recorded between my mum, T, mum's boyfriend and my sister that night, the day before I said goodbye to my mum for the last time, and I'd been okay. I'd admitted to myself that there was only one thing she said that I knew was true and that was that at that time, I wasn't doing enough to get out, hadn't been doing enough to push myself to get Angel the normal life she deserved. Now though I am, I know I am and I can take some comfort in knowing that nothing else she said had any meaning to me any more. As I said in that blog, back in February I think it was, that she was rude, nasty and abusive. The only thing I could agree with then I can't now, I have changed that about me. I didn't think I could change but I have been. Maybe a person can change after all?

I sat there thinking last night after reading about it all again that I don't need to keep that conversation anymore, maybe I should delete it, finally let go of the things I don't need pulling me back any more. 

I went to bed and thought nothing of it as I was still feeling very depressed then woke up this morning after mostly sleeping through and Angel too and felt as if something had been lifted, I felt calmer, lighter and freer. 

Part way through the day I realized that I had been dreaming all night, it started to come back to me bit by bit until it's clear now in my mind. 

It started where I woke up in my dream in a massive loft at the very top of a big barn. The barn was warm and glowed honey colored in the summer sun, it smelled of all my favorite smells and it was one of the most safe and beautiful places I've ever been to. The loft though was full of people, people and their junk. Things they were selling, thing's they'd just left there, boxes and bags of stuff. There were people there I knew like family members, friends, loved ones. People I have only seen in passing but who I remember and others who I didn't recognise at all. There were animals, grown-ups, children, babies, and old people. It almost felt like a street market in this warm, safe, beautiful place. In one particular dark corner, my mum and her boyfriend were trying to sort through boxes, crates and bags of things which belonged to them. There was all sorts of things, some pretty, some ugly. I helped them sift through it at first then I left to look around everything else, talking to the people and looking through the things and managing to get some people to get rid of useless things. Then I was beginning to get angry about all the shit in my attic, ruining the warmth, ruining the safe feeling. I walked past T's family who were with T and Angel and all smiling and laughing and hanging up pretty gems that caught the light (all except one of his sisters). I walked past my sister who's boxes were near my dad and my mum and her boyfriends (J). Mum and J were arguing, (mum has always done a lot of that) and I walked over to them; I'd had enough, enough to having MY space taken up, MY safe space invaded. I stopped them and began throwing things out, they vanished one by one. Not all of it went, but a lot of the very evil things were gotten rid of and I told her, I told her that I wanted to be free, that I didn't need to hold onto all the bad things anymore, it's time for her to sort herself out, out of my head. 

I woke up not long after and realized it was later than I'd intended to get up. Today as I said I have felt a lot freer and not in the sense of ignoring things, more in the way that I no longer care so much what she thinks of me. I know that I am doing the best I can do for my family right now. Tomorrow I don't know but for the last few days, the majority of the time, I am who they need me to be. I have my selfish moments and I'm not the best mum or wife by miles, but I am a good mum and a good wife. My husband and my child are both happy always have clothes to wear, food to eat, are clean and live in a clean house and they don't go without anything I can possibly give them. Nothing is spared as far as they're concerned, they are my life and I live for them and 'she' was wrong about me, I am not completely selfish, I do my best for them and I'm beginning to want to do things for myself too.

One more thing I recognise is that I now do things like today I popped out to a very busy shopping park, went of with Angel on my own in a very busy shop, talked to strangers, played with Angel (with all the noisy toys and the dog squeakers), had fun and let her explore freely. She was happy and so was I and I did it on 0 meds, nothing. I did it. 'she' said I couldn't do it but I did...I do. 

Her hold hasn't left, but it has loosened a tiny bit, enough to get a taste fresh air. 

FFing pissed off.

This is more likely to be a rant than a blog entry but I guess it will be a good thing to get the feelings out.
This week has swam by on the puddles caused by the relentless rains and blown away by the gusty breezes that have stolen the last of the leaves from the trees.

Oh yes, I was poorly on Monday evening and Tuesday, I ended up sleeping lots. I had a very very dizzy head and had to keep taking tablets to ease the dizziness and the icky feelings it was causing.

On Wednesday despite how ill I'd been the day before, T went out to work, not just normal work but work over an hour away, so even if I needed him and called he wouldn't be able to get home to help anyway =  I was on my own. I ended up keeping Angel because of the weather but I got all the housework done and some extra cleaning, T told me to take it easy but I just didn't have that choice.

Thursday T went out to a show for work for a few hours and I was left with Angel on my own after a very disturbed night...again. (All three of us keep having nasty nightmares which are keeping us all up and when one of us goes to sleep, another gets woken up.

Friday (goodness that was only yesterday), we had planed to go to shopping in the morning to get a shop for the week, but T got called into work and I was very annoyed, I hate changes of plans, I was looking forward to going out for a while despite my anxiety about it and I was so livid that he had to go in. I was trying very hard to keep my cool though and try to not let it show for T or for Angel. I thought about going out to get the things on my own with Angel but the list kept growing so I decided that it might be best order online or go the following day all together in the car.

Friday morning me and Angel just went out for a walk to the post box and around the area for a while instead. I was mostly panic free though which was nice and I enjoyed just getting out for a while. The break in the nasty weather meant that we wanted to enjoy being outside even more and we played out in the street for a little bit afterwards.
The day wore on with T saying that it was a small incident and he shouldn't be long until he was saying he didn't know how ling he would be but he ran out of hours at 9.00pm. I did the food, dealt with a very tired Angel who really needed a sleep. She didn't want to eat which pressed my buttons because I kept thinking she was ill ill but in the end I kept my patience under control enough to get her fed enough and got her to sleep. I didn't really bother with food for me most of the day but Angel was cared for, the animals were cared for and the house was lovely and clean and tidied. T came home at half past 8, took a conference call for half an hour then disappeared with his book for another two hours  so needless to say I didn't see him and we didn't talk much.

Today to me was kinda special, I was looking forward to going to a particular place that T had promised we could go so I could research for my book. I had been waiting to go for days and was really really looking forward to it. We had another bad night where we all didn't sleep much again and then as soon as we got up I could hear T talking on the phone to work and I just knew what he was going to say. I postponed going downstairs, dragged my feet and took my time getting dressed but I knew I had to go down and face the day. Sure enough I was right and he told me as soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs that he had to go in again but it should only be for a few hours.
A few hours once again went on and on and on until he has just come home now. Angel didn't have a nap again and it was hard to get her to eat. I managed to cope barely, I have now just finished the housework which even though T was home didn't offer to do any of and I'm just livid and so so tired I just want to cry.

Kardi came around this afternoon which for some reason I forgot to tell T about, but Kardi helped with Angel, played with her, helped to keep me sane and calm and he even helped with putting the shopping away and a few household things.

Angel is still awake but in bed, she's talking and played despite being so tired her eyes are hurting her. T is sitting on the sofa only a few feet from me but since he got back we've barely exchanged 10 words and I don't have anything to say to him. I feel like I'm doing this alone so I've pushed him away, far away and I don't know how to let him back in or even that I want to. I mean I must want to but so often I'm forced to do it alone, why not just keep him at a distance so I can do it alone easier when I have to? I'm so angry with him, with me and with his fucking work. It's tearing our relationship apart, surely he can see that. It would be better for him to leave and claim benefits and us have to have basic food surely? Or no can I do this alone, if I walked away now, could I do this? I can't walk away just because of his work. It's odd because he dreamed about me walking away from him earlier in the week. Is it so bad to just want him in a reliable job, one that I knew the times of and I knew if need be he could come to me? Is it so bad to just want my weekend, to want the two days at the end of the week so I can have some time to do my work, to do things I want to do and to have a fucking rest?

Then my brain whispers, you don't deserve it anyway. Well maybe I don't but Angel deserves a mum that works and she deserves a dad that is here for our evening meal, our weekends and to pissing tuck her into bed at night, I don't think he even went into her room to see her last night and now he's sitting on the sofa playing on his fucking phone.

I'm going to shut up moaning now and go in the shower. I know that having eaten so little all day and been busy doing everything my blood sugar is low and I feel very weak, weak enough to cry while I finished the housework, pushed myself through the last hour to get all the jobs done so we can live in a nice clean house. Maybe I should just book a holiday, go away for a few days; not give him a choice. I wish I could but the guilt and the money stop me. My only hope is that I don't crash from exhaustion.

Shower and tears await, I hope to make a nicer, more calm entry soon.

Triggers

I don't know why I haven't written here since Thursday... With the confidence from a special friend and from my husband I beat the panic back on Friday, I decided on Thursday night that I was going to have a go at it and I put some safety measure in place in case it went wrong. Then first thing on Friday morning I took a lorazapam (no messing about, I was going to do it!) then I got ready and had a small safe breakfast. I checked my change then took Angel out on foot with just our bags and a few shopping bags. We went to the post box first then we walked to the bus stop nearest us. The bus was already on it's way as we got there and I swallowed my fear and got on, paid and sat us both down. This was only the third time I'd taken Angel on a bus and the first time with her not in a pushchair. She enjoyed it loads and her joy of the journey completely distracted me from my fears and it seemed like only moments after getting on and thinking 'shit this is it!' to when we got to the bus stop after the one I planned to get off at which meant I'd even stayed on the bus round the huge round-a-bout which used to scare me nearly 7 years ago when I was well enough that I was working. 

We got off and walked up to the two shops, the first one we went in, we spent some time looking around and just enjoyed ourselves then we had to go across the car-park to the other shop where we needed to get all the shopping for the week (not just a few things to top us up, but the whole weekly shop which I can't usually do very well with T, completely alone). I can't believe I'm sitting here writing this now, but I did it, I did it and and stayed calm and I got it all and took my time to look around and enjoy just being out with Angel too. It really is disgustingly positive. I called T to come and pick us up after the shopping simply because of how late it had gotten and of how hungry I was as well as how heavy the shopping was going to be to carry home on the bus alone. 

The lorazapam knocked me out in the afternoon and then I ended up going to be at 7.00pm as well which is the earliest I've ever been to bed in my life as far back as I can remember. I think I thought that if I got a proper early night then I would actually wake up awake and refreshed the next day, but unfortunately it took a while to wake myself up on Saturday morning and this pissed me off as I felt like I'd wasted a night for no good reason. I again fought my fears though and this time only went out on some aconite and nothing else to a library that I hadn't been to before on the side of town that scares me. We had to park a distance from the library as well, but although I was scared and thought I felt ill, I got out the car and went in and before I knew what I was doing, I was alone in the children's section with Angel while T looked for his own books and I was okay even though I was far away from the doors and therefor even further from the car. 

From the library we went to the shopping park nearby and I took Angel in the shop on my own to get some of T's Yule presents. She helped me and even though I was alone and upstairs and it was a Saturday late morning so very busy I was okay and managed to get everything I wanted and had a look around too. 

This all sounds very positive but for some reason in the afternoon my mood dropped low, I don't know where it came from, I didn't even see it coming but it hit hard. I tried to hold my patience but I was short and snappy and moody and it wasn't fair on any of us especially T who got the brunt of it. I ended up self-harming using something that I thought would be impossible to do harm with but I guess if you are desperate enough you can manage it. T and I argued and talked and cried and eventually curled up on the sofa under a blanket just trying to rekindle something that we felt we'd lost. 

Sunday I was in a better mood, T took Angel out for a walk and I went to meet them in the big park on no meds which is huge feat for me on a Sunday when the mosque's and churches people are all parking outside and congesting up the roads and pavements in crowds. I used my bridging though, I listened to my music, felt the cold air on my fingers and my face. The sound of my footsteps on the pavement and I also nibbled some crisps while I walked along which helped with the nasty hunger pangs. It turned out to be a nice Sunday in the end including watching a movie together and generally enjoying each others company. I won't deny that I had to fight to stay calm at times, I have done today also. My anger seems to have kicked up a gear and I struggle to contain my frustration and irritability. Through thought labeling and bridging which T is encouraging me with, I am just about managing to hang onto control but I'm so easily triggered that one minute I'm crying for no reason, laughing, playing then straight to wanting to cut myself so deep I can watch the blood take my life away with it. I have an almost constant headache from the whiplash of it all but I guess he best thing I can take from this is that I am managing to stay in control for now. 

I want to be free

I am so full of hatred, it's so binding and hurtful and it just makes me want to curl up and cry alone. So much of it is focused inwards at myself but there is also some slipping out to the world around me, to my husband and our relationship, to my family, my old 'friends', the world, all the normal people in the world that can do what they want when they want without being bound by stupid fears in their broken heads. I feel like I'm turning into a ball of hatred and it makes me hate myself more.
Everything irritates me, from the faces people pull at me, to the sounds around me like adverts on the TV and the guinea-pigs biting the bars and shaking their drink bottle. I have managed to keep my hatred away from Angel today thankfully, that poor child deserves none of it.

I was supposed to go out and get the shopping today but I couldn't do it, I just couldn't face going out into the world. I knew I was set up for fail even when I was getting everything ready to go. I even got me and Angel into our coats and hats but we didn't go further than the end of the road. I feel like a total waste of space, I couldn't go and get the things I need especially tampons, so I'm now reduced to holding my bladder for as long as possible so I don't have the change my tampon and run out. I'd starved myself all morning to go, Angel was happy and fed, the weather was perfect and there was no one around, so why the hell couldn't I do it? Why couldn't I go and get the things we need, the things Angel needs and the things I need for my personal fucking health. Just before I stopped contact with my mum a similar thing happened and she didn't hesitate to tell me what a wreck I was to not be able to go out and get things I need to stay healthy and clean. I'm so ashamed. And after a childhood of shame, shame makes me angry. There goes the cycle again.

So tomorrow morning I try again I guess even though I know I can't do it. I won't be able to do it, I'll still try, I'll still get everything ready and masquerade as going, as being okay and normal.

Why are there so many people living in the world that can go and do these things? Why are there some of us that are cursed to go through this shit every time we want to go out, every time we wake up in the morning and realize we're still alive and still screwed. I don't even know why I'm still alive now, I was supposed to have died back in my teens but here I am at ffing 23, nearly 24 trying to be the person I can never be.

A little lighter, a spark brighter

After my last blog and at the request of a friend I opened up completely to T and we spoke a little more about what we should do about my mood. That night he helped me with some hypnotherapy and I felt I went into it really well, apparently I was in it throughout a fight between the rats and didn't even stir. I got that out of body feeling and everything went numb. T also got me started on my PTSD workbook again and it refreshed the bridging and thought labeling in my mind again and with his full support I've been working on it the last 3 days and there is a very visible difference. Yesterday T went into work for a while and I stayed home and looked after Angel. I did have one point where I lost it a little but after some thought labeling and a break from her for a few moments we were both in better moods and we carried on better again. It was still hard just getting through every hour, they seemed to drag and hurt much more than they should and my appetite was nonexistent. I didn't have the confidence to even try going out so I decided to stay in and just try to cope without putting more pressure on me. 

By the end of the day I felt worn down and tired but once Angel was in bed I made time for myself and had a lovely long shower where I took my time to wash my hair and just wind down. I still felt a little on edge but I did the work from my book and then I tried to do some writing for my novel but didn't get far before my body was exhausted but my mind wasn't at all ready for sleep - a very bad combination. We decided to go to bed but instead of going to sleep we (nope didn't do anything rude) I spent some time watching T play a game, I have always found this past time relaxing, I used to watch my mum and dad play on the Sega as a child and then I used to go to Kardi's house to watch him play his games and I just found it relaxing and fun. So that helped me more than I could have believed and I went to sleep feeling panicky but happier. 

I woke part way through the night and went downstairs as I was feeling very panicky but once I finally settled down again I slept better and woke up slowly to the sound of Angel singing to the TV while T cuddled me, what better way to wake up. 

I felt more confident and had a good breakfast then I just stepped up to being the mummy and went into mummy mode. T went upstairs to do his work and I looked after Angel on my own including going for a walk to the post box and the park and throughout I stayed calm even in terms of panic I used my thought labeling and my bridging and despite being anxious was okay. Me and Angel walked hand in hand and talked and discussed everything around us which was lovely and helped a lot. 

(Just been rambling on to T about our walk, there were so many little things that were lovely about it). 

I had a few times where I got a stressed and frustrated but I managed to keep them under control an  I had no urges to self-harm for the first time in weeks! Today has been better, I'm hoping I'm on an upwards trend and can continue to be the person I want to be. 

I don't know what to do.

The title about sums up how I feel, I thought I was doing better but I just can't cope. There's only one way I can see out of this right now. I just can't do this, I can't keep fighting against something that I've already lost to. The depression and anger is making me feel physically ill and I hate myself for not being able to look after Angel.

Visitors

I wrote a blog entry on Wednesday evening, but I ended up deleting it after a few hours because of what I'd written, It wasn't so much suicidal as incriminating and I didn't want anyone to know that side of me.

Monday I took Angel to town, I was on a lorazapam and it was hard and she played me up a little so it wasn't the relaxing Yule shopping trip I'd hoped for and I came home frustrated.

I started the week with anger, anger at everything and everyone. I felt like I was losing grip with everything around me and by Wednesday I had done some pretty stupid and horrible things which affected Angel badly and had convinced myself that because I had done things that my mum used to do to me, that I'd mentally abused her. That I am mentally abusing her and I'm going to wreck her life. I wouldn't open up and tell T what was wrong but when I did it all came spilling out and the anger turned to depression. I didn't want to wake up the next day, I wanted to die. I went to bed early The following day T and I continued to talk about it and he went into work leaving me with Angel even though I wasn't sure about it. I ended up calling him to come home when I was in floods of tears and couldn't cope. He decided we should go to the doctors and see what they say, I would NEVER reach for professionals but I knew how bad I was feeling, how empty and grey and I knew it couldn't stay that way so we went. To make it even worse it wasn't a morning appointment, it was an evening one and that was scary but to combat the panic we looked around a shop first so I could calm the main part of the panic before the docs. The doctor said it sounds like postnatal depression and postnatal OCD but she can't officially diagnose it after the child is over a year old. She diagnosed me with depression and panic disorder and put my Flouxidine up and also referred me to a psychiatric. I also have an appointment to see a psychologist in a few weeks which I'm terrified of.

The next day I don't know what came over me but I felt in control and okay and on absolutely no meds I took Angel into town again and we looked around and had a much more successful trip, more relaxed and more fun and no meds, I was blown away, that's time I've been to the city center without any meds to get me there in 7 years! Both T and I were astounded but I think a big part of it was from the grey numbness that's inside me at the moment, it helped me erect walls to stay safe.

As for putting my meds up; I started the higher dose that very same night but by yesterday I was feeling very poorly and was unable to eat or stand up with the nausea and dizziness so I talked it through with T and his friend who is staying here and has a whole list of his own mental issues and we came to the conclusion that my Vit D has dropped so to up that and see if it helps and also to stop the extra dose of floux because it isn't a solution in the longrun, I will eventually probably in the spring have to come back down and go through the side affects again being one of them, so yes for now I'm on my usual dose and today I'm feeling a little better.

Last night was a difficult night, I took a sedative to sleep through the nausea but it didn't work! I ended up feeling panicky and poorly all night and fighting sleep, falling in and out of it. Today was a huge test for me to see how far I've come. Firstly me, T, Angel and M (T's friend) all got into the car, and I travel with no one extra usually, Major panicky situation! But I did it, with some nail marks in my hand. We looked around a few shops and Angel set off my anger at myself again by only wanting Daddy and actually pushing me away several times and crying. It broke my heart and when we got home I took my lunch upstairs to our bedroom to cry alone, lick my wounds. T asked me when I came back out if I have new scars, and I could truthfully say I was tempted but no, no self-harm even though there was direct access to tools. He told me he was proud of me and that I'm strong which made me feel a bit better.
In the afternoon the house filled up beyond how many people I've probably seen in it in total. There was me, T, M, Kardi, my sister P and my dad and Angel all in the same room. I was on no meds, no aconite and had no drink to hand, but I did it and I didn't really panic. Wow that's a long way to come, so now to shake this depression and this nasty hatred and anger. Or at least find a safe outlet for it. I guess it could come down to something as simple as I haven't been doing enough writing which is definitely one of my outlets for the bad stuff; I get to get lost in a fantasy world where I'm free and safe and can be who I want to be.
I really really wish I could get back to being the person I was a few weeks ago, that amazing mum, that brilliant wife and homemaker and that generally happy and braver and more confident person.

Trying

After my last blog post which was very negative, I've told T how I'm feeling and I've been slowly pulling my mind back, I have had a nasty sore throat and strangely feeling poorly has actually helped me feel a bit better mentally. I just hope it won't come back bad again when I'm feeling better. 

Feeling poorly has had the negative affect of me not really going out though. Yesterday T took Angel for a walk to the post office to post a parcel of mine, I walked a little way with them but not far at all. Today I haven't even been outside the front door except to put things in the bin. I don't know whether it's just another excuse for me, seeing as I was so keen to take Angel into town this week to look round for Yule presents. I know my lorazapam intake has gone up again, but I'm managing some things I never dreamed of doing and on no meds. 

Tomorrow morning we have to go food shopping and in some ways I'm looking forward to it, to getting to go out with T and Angel. Last week I was a bit of a nervous wreck but I did it and despite the anxiety, I enjoyed it. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep tonight and wake up feeling able tomorrow. I need to sort myself out so that I can help a lot because with T's knees being bad, he can't push the trolley. 

Last night I was rudely awoken by the feel of cold water dripping on my head, when I'd woken up enough to actually see what was going on, I realized that it was the ceiling that was dripping. I woke T up and we had to get dressed and sort out the leakage in the loft. It involved lots of cold water, balancing in high scary places, carrying heavy buckets of grotty water around and up and down stairs and me having a Huge panic attack throughout. 

Winter = all downhill from here

Last night only got worse, I was completely numb and uninterested in everything, even things that usually bring me up. I tried music and I tried writing and knitting but nothing worked and I ended up more depressed. I went to bed at 8.00pm because I didn't see the point in staying up any longer. I ended up using a blade on myself on my new favored spot then T decided to join me upstairs and unknowingly put a stop to what I was doing. 
By the time I actually went to sleep I thought I'd gotten through the worst of it and that I'd wake up today feeling better. I thought I did at first and the morning went okay, even though we'd all been up early, especially T and Angel as he'd misread the time and let her get up before 5 in the morning. He went out to work and Angel and I just had a slow morning with me working on my knitting project which I've been commissioned to do and Angel playing with her little people and cars on the floor while eating snack and occasionally watching fireman sam on tv. 
I wasn't intending to go out, I just didn't feel like I had the confidence or drive, but it got to 11.00 and I just felt like going out even if it was across the road to kick the leaves with Angel, so we got out coats on and went outside. We walked up the road the opposite way to what we usually go and through a big car park and out onto the pavement of a very very busy road. Angel was scared by all the cars and buses and bikes but she perked up when we walked past a pushbike shop and she was eyeing up a pink bike with a basket and shiny tassels which was in the window. She then announced she wanted to go home and we went back and had some lunch together (I actually felt like eating although Angel was very hungry and helped eat mine too). 
She was absolutely exhausted after getting up so early and I though she would have a nap, I was hoping so, so that I could do some Yule shopping online and have a much needed shower. However, she spent the whole hour and a half messing around, shouting, whinging, moaning, playing up and generally doing anything but going to sleep. I'm not sure what it was about it, but something triggered me majorly. I tried texting a friend and I text T knowing that he had a meeting so he wouldn't be able to come home. (However I just found out a minute ago that he wasn't in a meeting at all, in fact he was just doing normal work that he could have been doing from home, but he hadn't came home even when I'd told him how I couldn't cope.) 

I turned my phone off and sat on the floor crying while I listened to Angel playing up and messing around, not knowing what to do and feeling so alone. In that moment I just wanted to leave, I couldn't cope and I didn't know what to do. 
I tried hurting myself but I couldn't even do that properly. I tried a sharper instrument but I still couldn't so I felt like a total failure on top of forlorn. I wanted to text my friend, text T but I kept my phone off and just cried. 

In the end I managed to pull myself together enough to get Angel back out of her cot and take her downstairs where we had a bath. I hid all my pain and anger and upset and behaved like a proper mum, looking after her, feeding her, caring for her, getting the housework done and making dinner. T came home and he must be able to tell something is wrong by how quiet I am but I just don't have the energy to tell him what I did, he doesn't seem interested in finding out anyway, he doesn't even sound interested in what we did today, where we went out to. He's too busy playing on his phone, so here I am writing this blog before I finish my commission, do some writing and try and get a list together of things I need to get tomorrow, hoping that I can go out and get them otherwise we'll have no bread and no dinner. 

Where am I going?

Today starts of positive, I got my self together and took Angel out to pick up a prescription for T and then to the small park for her to play on her scooter for a while then we walked to the post office to get T some stamps. I was a nervous wreck in there, especially because I was waiting for ages because of the amount I needed to get. I made it through some how though, with the help of Angel for a distraction. I then walked home slowly and T made me have some lunch with him and Angel, if he hadn't made me something, I doubt I'd have eaten little more than a yogurt or a few crisps.

I'm not trying to starve myself, I just seem to have lost my appetite. Although I am hoping that all this not eating will have the effect of taking some of my weight from my tummy and hips. I keep wanting to go and check the scales to make sure that it's coming off but from past experience that's a bad habit to get into.
I either don't feel hungry or I skip the hungry feeling and go straight to the feeling poorly feeling which makes me less inclined to eat. Maybe it's just a phase that I'm going through, it wouldn't be the first time and with the Winter definitely here I'm extra nervous about germs and such.
I do seem to be developing a sore throat though so I guess it could be down to that, I'm exhausted as well tonight and I can't be bothered with anything. I've had to take a tablet for my dizziness and now I'm blasting music in my ears to try and curb the depression which is slowing coming on. I still can't get the idea of self-harm from my head and in some ways I'm anticipating the event which triggers the self-harm so I can have an excuse to do it. I actually hate that I just wrote that, I have been doing so well and in some ways I still am, today on no loraz! it's almost a let down to write that down here. That I'm still the same fucked up person underneath all the false confidence and self-belief.

I thought that I might lose myself in some writing to help me feel better but my new book isn't getting as much attention and likes as I thought it would. There are only a limited amount of people even reading it and I feel like whats the point. But I guess that that would mean that I write for my fans and not for myself. The question is... If I stop now, will I always wonder what happened to those characters? What happened in the end of their story, did they even survive, the answer to that is no, no I couldn't leave it be, it is my story to tell and they don't deserve abandonment. I just need to keep in my mind fuck everyone else, I do this for me, to help me, for the friends in my head that are always with me. I'm on the verge of sounding completely mad now so I think I'll leave it there and go pay a visit to my friends and see what I can do about getting their story out.