Changing hearts

It's been a nightmare over the past few days with the toilet breaking and the workmen coming out all hours if the day digging up the back garden, removing the bathroom furniture including the toilet, mud everywhere and us completely exhausted with no toilet. We have a barely working one to use until the new year but its better than nothing.

Today was Yule and we got up early and had our breakfast, got dressed and then opened our presents. It was lovely, Angel was so excited and it was a huge treat after the last few days. It was later than expected when we'd finished so I had a rush to get the lunch sorted I just managed it and we had a homemade pie with veg which was lovely and worth the effort.

I spoke with my sister partway though lunch and she was as good as in tears on the phone with stress from trying to choose a uni to go to and dad withholding her Christmas present and not getting her anything else in the mean time and him being very moody and grumpy with her as well as Us and her getting no help from her mum at all. I almost felt bad for my thoughts about her earlier in the week but I didn't feel guilty, she should have told me instead of coming across as a poo head. T decided to go pick her up and she's staying over tonight. It's been nice chatting with her but T and I have also been having a serious talk about moving to Norfolk. This came about even more seriously yesterday when we had an offer put in on our house. We did some sums and decided, that in light of house prices dropping, to accept even though it was a lot lower than ideal.
After the phone call to accept, T got straight back onto the phone to his parents to tell them our plans and ideas. His bitch sister( the one we don't like) taking over part of the annex threw a spanner in the works although we could still make the smaller space work temporarily. I started having doubts and basically talked myself out of it. I think it was a relief to get a spanner in the works, maybe it was the jerk I needed to see the major negative and unknown side to going.
The main things that worry me are

1, at least one of us will have to get a full time low paid job to keep us tide over until T has done his plumbing course and got up and running.

2, his knees and the ops he needs and the time it will take to heal before he can properly for or do anything.

3, space, where we will put everything.

4, them finding out the real me.

5, the germs

6, having to allow others time with my Angel and feeling like I'm skiving on her care.

7, both T and Angel realising what a monster they live with when they have his family to compare me too and I will stick out like a fluorescent glow stick. Who will Angel want to be with; her nanny who cooks with her, is nice and treats her all the time or me who gets angry lots, shouts and terrifies her and pushes and upsets her. T and Ari will grow towards his family and in the end when they all get to know the real me no one will want me and ill be alone. At least ill know that they're safe and happy there in a way that I can't make them happy. I can then die.

Tomorrow Ts parents are coming to visit and his mum has, as I expected taken our ideas to mean its definite that were going, T really wants to be near them.

I'm going to have to try to get so sleep now. Tomorrow will bring what it brings.

That is how I felt yesterday but today after the visit with Ts mum and dad I'm feeling more positive, that a move might be best. All the plus sides we will get out of it, all of the bonuses and happiness and one of the things I'm most afraid of; freedom at last. A support network, living in a rural area, beach within an hours drive, great shopping villages and towns, great schools for Angel. Living near her family who adore her. Acres of land to run around in and 5 cousins to play with. I will be finally able to learn to drive and get a car. More time for my work and is very rarely have to be alone if I chose not to be but I could equally shut us in our house and be with my family alone. Another thing I've thought of is if T have his ops in Norfolk then we will have a much much better support available for both of us and it would be a hell of a lot better and he could have plenty of time to heal, no rushing it. He is so keen to live near them and I know it is the best thing for Angel. So now it's only hoping the sale goes through and trying to keep positive. Trying to cope, knowing there are more germs but also knowing that they will be better off and maybe even I will be eventually, maybe.