T let me sleep in an extra hour or two this morning and the difference it made to my mood and my ability to wake up was amazing. I didn't expect to be going out because of how bad T's knees had been the previous day so I had more coffee than I would let myself have going out on and I also had some chocolate which is a huge no no for going out on as I've probably said before.
T then suggested that we just pop out to the retail park nearest us so I could have a look for the last Yule present for Angel. Needles to say I was very unsure and scared. I don't know what possessed me; I got the bags ready, got myself ready and in ten minutes we were in the car. The rive over wasn't so bad, I kept telling myself I would be okay, it's just simply thoughts that I'm not well and thoughts can't hurt me. We got there and again I was scared and worried, but I got out of the car, and went around the whole shop expecting us to be going home afterwards. I won't deny that I was anxious and on the verge of panic but something inside me kept going, wouldn't give up, even when T suggested we drive down to the other end of the retail park to get Angel some new shoes, or when from there we drove across town to the supermarket to get food instead of going home. I don't know where the strength comes from sometimes when I feel so weak I don't want to wake up some days. We didn't park near the shop, we parked in the middle and T and Angel went in to start the shopping while I went into the other shop on my own and got Khan some new balls (he's already massacred some of his), a new calender for next year, some chocolate for me (it fell in to the basket, not my fault) and also some wrapping paper to wrap all the presents. I was panicky, I thought about leaving a few times but again that force drove me on and I got all I needed to get, paid and went back out to the car to put the things I'd brought. T and Angel were still in the supermarket and after talking to T we decided that I should just wait in the car for them because of how on edge I was feeling and how far away the car was from the shop. I sat in the car and nibbled some crisps, had a drink and realised I needed a pee (I know you didn't want to know that). I sat there thinking, 'I'll be fine till we get home, If I go in I might be ill in public, I won't be able to get back to the car in time if I do, I'm scared........... etc' Then I thought 'nope, they're just thoughts' and goodness knows how; got back out of the car, locked it and went into the shop and to the toilets. I promised myself it would only take a few moments, I wouldn't touch anything (they're sensor toilets thankfully) and I will use handgel to be sure then I'll go back out to the car and wait. I kept true to the not touching anything and the hand gel, the going back to the car though, I didn't. I came out of the toilets and walked all the way down to the other end of the shop to where T was loading the shopping into the trolley and paying and I gave Angel and huge hug and then helped T. I was almost shaking from fear but I wouldn't let it stop me; I walked out of there like a normal mother and wife and I don't even know how.
I was telling T today how sometimes just thinking about the things I've been doing, or am thinking of doing give me a panic attack just from the terror of what I push myself to do that I would never have dreamed of doing. Again thinking about it now is causing panic and shock, I'm sitting her shaking my head and biting my lip in puzzlement. I don't feel like me, I'm not me, I don't know whats happening.
This afternoon Kardi came over and he once again helped out with Angel and also played with Khan while I chatted to him and got an order put together from my shop. Later my dad and sister came round and once again we had a housefull. I was feeling a bit on edge but I kept my calm, concentrated on Angel and played with her while Khan went to sleep on T, my dad mostly played on his phone and didn't talk much, P did a similar thing and me, T and Kardi chatted. I don't know why my dad bothers to come round anymore really, he didn't even both with Angel until he went and both he and P seemed put out about the fact that I had gotten a list of things together that Angel might like for Yule, P eve moaned about the price after saying she wanted to spend just under 50 and I chose something for Angel that was 20, she had the bloody cheek to ask me for my 10.00 voucher I got for doing a questionnaire to make the price cheaper!!
The last thing I want to write on here is another little thing I did this evening; I've had a little Mrs Tiddlewinkle tin for as long as I can remember, my mum gave it to me and inside I kept jewellery and things my mum gave me. I've never ever been able to get rid of it, I've kept it for years like baggage, taking it to where I live and keeping it shut away. I ended up roping myself into tidying the dining room this evening and T came across it where I'd stashed it out of sight and mind. He knew it was mine and silently went to put it back into the bag he'd found it in but I took it off him, opened it and looked inside. This time I didn't see guilt, I didn't see chains or locks, or keys to my heart or head. I found a load of old bracelets with coloured plastic beads and an old tin which had some paint worn off and was beginning to go a little rusty inside.
I told T what it had meant to me, how long I'd been keeping it and then I dropped it into the bin bag and told him I don't need it anymore.
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