I'm going to try and make this entry a quick one, I have tonnes of writing to do and I haven't had any chance for over a week. It's one of my main outlets for releasing feelings and pent up emotions so not getting a chance to do it isn't a great thing at all, not to mention the new deadline of the end of January for the book I'm working on thanks to the title being stolen.
Today we all got up early and after several accidents, a bath for Angel, a shower for T, breakfast for everyone except me and some messing about we finally went out and were already running a little late. I was feeling rough, not at all up for going for my first session a few miles away at a new building with a new therapist. I got into the car and cuddled up under my fur coat for some semblance of comfort then we set off. It took ages to get there, much longer than we or the sat nav had expected and when we got there not only was the area rough and nasty looking, but there was no where at all to park even streets away. There was a carpark there but only for staff members. Angel then announced suddenly that her tummy was poorly so my emetophobia went into overdrive and the panic got worse.
After driving around we realized there was no way for us to park up anywhere and for me to get to the appointment so T pulled up onto the double yellow lines and went inside to explain. The receptionist was a shit head and apparently asked T 'what do you want me to do about it?' when he told her the problem we were having. He asked her to go tell the doctor so that it was logged than we didn't miss the appointment because that would lose me my place in therapy and I would have to be re-referred again.
T suggested that seeing as I'd taken loraz to get there we may as well make use of it and go somewhere else, which was when I turned to him and told him I hadn't taken anything. He looked so surprised and happy and I couldn't help but blush, he then went on to tell me for the rest of the drive to the shops that he was immensely proud of me and I'm wonderful etc etc. Since I've been on the loraz I have never been to a therapy session without it, let alone a brand new place and DR.
We went to a pet shop, one that I would usually find anxiety inducing because it's so unfamiliar but I was okay, no, I was fine really. We looked around, spoke to the woman and I went off with Angel to look at the pets for sale while T brought the medication we needed to worm and flea Khan and I was in control, confident and okay.
We went over to another shop from there, one that was more busy and very decorated for Christmas which usually sets me off, once again, no panic to report, I was even ready to leave the car and go down to more of the shops but T's knees were hurting and me and Angel were starving to death so we came home.
Even writing this now, I'm finding it hard to believe, this isn't me, I think I'm going mad, this isn't me at all. I havn't been like this since I worked 7 years ago and I'm on a much lower dose of Floux. I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong now, I've come this far but there is going to be a set back, there has to be, there always is.
The rest of the day involved taking Angel to the toilet, taking Khan out to the toilet, cleaning, tidying, cooking and looking after everyone while T was a little short with us all and grumpy with his knees being in pain.
Tomorrow I have Angel and Khan to look after on my own, T will be at home but working upstairs and I will be responsible for both of them and all the housework. I hope it isn't as hard as I'm imagining it to be.
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