Dreaming a load lighter *warning, most positive blog yet!*

A few days ago T told me about a book which was written as a piss take of self-help books. I wasn't so keen on having them ripped apart with them working well for me and how much faith I put in them, my take on it was that if it works for someone then it doesn't matter if it's powered with pixie dust or written by Elves, the main thing is that it works. Oddly the book actually had some good points and they made sense although they were from a sarcastic 'aren't I funny' point of view which was highly irritating. 

Anyway, one of the examples was talking about how your subconscious is a place where you store things that really belong to other people but you keep them because they have been given to you, have your name on them and you feel you should hold onto them, they almost become part of the building itself because of how long they've been there. He used the metaphor of a boat and barrels on the boat in the book. It made sense to me but I never really believed I could let them go, but that is another barrel in itself. 

Last night before I went to bed, I was re-reading over some of my blogs, partly to find out what caused my last drop after I had been doing so well for a few weeks (I realized that it happened after I'd been in charge of Angel for a few days all day long while T was working an incident just like this time) I am hoping that by realizing how hard I could fall after having to hold it together for so long alone will help me survive, help me stay on top as well as finally admitting to myself that I need some time off to do some writing or something for myself.)

Back to the title to this blog then; reading back through the oldest entries brought it home to me that I'd listened to the conversation that was recorded between my mum, T, mum's boyfriend and my sister that night, the day before I said goodbye to my mum for the last time, and I'd been okay. I'd admitted to myself that there was only one thing she said that I knew was true and that was that at that time, I wasn't doing enough to get out, hadn't been doing enough to push myself to get Angel the normal life she deserved. Now though I am, I know I am and I can take some comfort in knowing that nothing else she said had any meaning to me any more. As I said in that blog, back in February I think it was, that she was rude, nasty and abusive. The only thing I could agree with then I can't now, I have changed that about me. I didn't think I could change but I have been. Maybe a person can change after all?

I sat there thinking last night after reading about it all again that I don't need to keep that conversation anymore, maybe I should delete it, finally let go of the things I don't need pulling me back any more. 

I went to bed and thought nothing of it as I was still feeling very depressed then woke up this morning after mostly sleeping through and Angel too and felt as if something had been lifted, I felt calmer, lighter and freer. 

Part way through the day I realized that I had been dreaming all night, it started to come back to me bit by bit until it's clear now in my mind. 

It started where I woke up in my dream in a massive loft at the very top of a big barn. The barn was warm and glowed honey colored in the summer sun, it smelled of all my favorite smells and it was one of the most safe and beautiful places I've ever been to. The loft though was full of people, people and their junk. Things they were selling, thing's they'd just left there, boxes and bags of stuff. There were people there I knew like family members, friends, loved ones. People I have only seen in passing but who I remember and others who I didn't recognise at all. There were animals, grown-ups, children, babies, and old people. It almost felt like a street market in this warm, safe, beautiful place. In one particular dark corner, my mum and her boyfriend were trying to sort through boxes, crates and bags of things which belonged to them. There was all sorts of things, some pretty, some ugly. I helped them sift through it at first then I left to look around everything else, talking to the people and looking through the things and managing to get some people to get rid of useless things. Then I was beginning to get angry about all the shit in my attic, ruining the warmth, ruining the safe feeling. I walked past T's family who were with T and Angel and all smiling and laughing and hanging up pretty gems that caught the light (all except one of his sisters). I walked past my sister who's boxes were near my dad and my mum and her boyfriends (J). Mum and J were arguing, (mum has always done a lot of that) and I walked over to them; I'd had enough, enough to having MY space taken up, MY safe space invaded. I stopped them and began throwing things out, they vanished one by one. Not all of it went, but a lot of the very evil things were gotten rid of and I told her, I told her that I wanted to be free, that I didn't need to hold onto all the bad things anymore, it's time for her to sort herself out, out of my head. 

I woke up not long after and realized it was later than I'd intended to get up. Today as I said I have felt a lot freer and not in the sense of ignoring things, more in the way that I no longer care so much what she thinks of me. I know that I am doing the best I can do for my family right now. Tomorrow I don't know but for the last few days, the majority of the time, I am who they need me to be. I have my selfish moments and I'm not the best mum or wife by miles, but I am a good mum and a good wife. My husband and my child are both happy always have clothes to wear, food to eat, are clean and live in a clean house and they don't go without anything I can possibly give them. Nothing is spared as far as they're concerned, they are my life and I live for them and 'she' was wrong about me, I am not completely selfish, I do my best for them and I'm beginning to want to do things for myself too.

One more thing I recognise is that I now do things like today I popped out to a very busy shopping park, went of with Angel on my own in a very busy shop, talked to strangers, played with Angel (with all the noisy toys and the dog squeakers), had fun and let her explore freely. She was happy and so was I and I did it on 0 meds, nothing. I did it. 'she' said I couldn't do it but I did...I do. 

Her hold hasn't left, but it has loosened a tiny bit, enough to get a taste fresh air.