I am so full of hatred, it's so binding and hurtful and it just makes me want to curl up and cry alone. So much of it is focused inwards at myself but there is also some slipping out to the world around me, to my husband and our relationship, to my family, my old 'friends', the world, all the normal people in the world that can do what they want when they want without being bound by stupid fears in their broken heads. I feel like I'm turning into a ball of hatred and it makes me hate myself more.
Everything irritates me, from the faces people pull at me, to the sounds around me like adverts on the TV and the guinea-pigs biting the bars and shaking their drink bottle. I have managed to keep my hatred away from Angel today thankfully, that poor child deserves none of it.
I was supposed to go out and get the shopping today but I couldn't do it, I just couldn't face going out into the world. I knew I was set up for fail even when I was getting everything ready to go. I even got me and Angel into our coats and hats but we didn't go further than the end of the road. I feel like a total waste of space, I couldn't go and get the things I need especially tampons, so I'm now reduced to holding my bladder for as long as possible so I don't have the change my tampon and run out. I'd starved myself all morning to go, Angel was happy and fed, the weather was perfect and there was no one around, so why the hell couldn't I do it? Why couldn't I go and get the things we need, the things Angel needs and the things I need for my personal fucking health. Just before I stopped contact with my mum a similar thing happened and she didn't hesitate to tell me what a wreck I was to not be able to go out and get things I need to stay healthy and clean. I'm so ashamed. And after a childhood of shame, shame makes me angry. There goes the cycle again.
So tomorrow morning I try again I guess even though I know I can't do it. I won't be able to do it, I'll still try, I'll still get everything ready and masquerade as going, as being okay and normal.
Why are there so many people living in the world that can go and do these things? Why are there some of us that are cursed to go through this shit every time we want to go out, every time we wake up in the morning and realize we're still alive and still screwed. I don't even know why I'm still alive now, I was supposed to have died back in my teens but here I am at ffing 23, nearly 24 trying to be the person I can never be.
Doh, I just lost my whole comment. Try again!!
ReplyDeleteIt is very difficult when there is so much hurt around, leading to internal hatred which then leads to irritability because of the overwhelming feelings. I guess they have to come out somewhere and it's a vicious cycle.
I'm sorry you weren't able to get to the shop to get essential personal items. It must be very distressing feeling unable to do that, but I think it shows courage that you got ready. Perhaps there would have been a time when you wouldn't have done the act of putting on your coat, walking out of the front door, walking to the end of the road. I appreciate how difficult it is though to look at these improvements when things are so hard.
If you are ever in that situation again, don't be afraid to tell me and I will post you the tampons. I know it makes for odd mail, not perhaps the kind of present you would wish for but hey, I'm a weird kinda person! It's not a problem at all, you are my friend and if you need them, you need them. Thank god for my mirena coil, I am free!!
Your Mum has no right to have said what she did, though I know it doesn't change what she said. Perhaps instead of criticising you, she might have liked to look at herself and question why you had become so afraid of leaving the house that you had to go without essential belongings. NOBODY CHOOSES TO BE THAT AFRAID, and you are so young, it only got caused by one or two people - your parents.
It says a lot that tomorrow you will try again. Some people get knocked down and never get up again. At least you are trying. I know it is painful to not be able to do it all but one day, there will be that chance to go one step further.
It is a piss take that some people get nice easy lives and then some people are petrified to leave the house and then even if they do, spend the whole time petrified. Life is a fucking bitch. But you know what, I think our experiences of shite make us better people sometimes. We have empathy and understanding that we wouldn't have had, had we not faced these struggles. We would not put someone down if they were scared to go out, we would not laugh if someone felt scared to look at a certain colour or eat a certain type of food.
You were supposed to live, same goes for me, otherwise we would have died. Obviously some spiritual being has plans for us. You have your wonderful daughter Angel and T, even if sometimes that is hard. You are Mummy and to Angel that is the most precious gift. I know though you deserve to be able to live a life as Mummy and Kiah. For me, I hope that my life will eventually lead to being a Mummy also!!! And you need to be alive because otherwise who can I go to when my child is poorly and I need another emet mummy to cry to? Who will be my childs God Mom if you aren't alive?
You are special, even if it doesn't feel like it and YOU WILL GET THERE.
xxxxxxx