My keyboard is getting wet......

Today was a bit of a tough day and I think I have generally gone down hill a little. I am trying to keep in my mind that back in February I couldn't even take Angel much past the end of the road. Yes it was a miracle that I was managing that much but it was a constant struggle. Today my goal was to either pop into the edge of town or to the shops a fair walk away to get some fish food for our fish as we only have a little left. T was working from home and suggested we walk into town together but I knew if we did that I would need lorazapam to do it and I might not be able to let him leave me there to go to work. So I never bothered with the lorazapam, I literally had half a tablet ready to take and said NO. Today I will do something, anything without it.
I got myself ready and I got Angel in the stroller and we went out to the post box, the long way round for an extra bit of challenge. Then I took her through the little park then out onto the main road towards town. I was intending to go through the big park to town but when I got into the big park I just didn't feel like I could go any further. We walked around the park a bit and looked at some chicks and some ducks, geese, and swans while Angel munched her snack and told me all about them. Then I was intending to go to the smaller set of shops which would be a lot quieter but by that time I'd gotten myself worked up a bit so we walked back home. I consoled myself with the thought that, yes I didn't meet my goal, but I did go a hell of a lot further than just the end of the road or even the church on no lorazapam at all. So Yes I may have taken a step back, but I'm still a step up at least from where I was.

T and I have been talking about the whole Norfolk funeral thing and I asked a friends advice as well. We all came to the same conclusion, that if it was at a push and it was more important then I could make myself do it. But I'm not quite ready for it right now, not all of the hurdles that it involves. Right now I feel a lot like I'm letting my family down, that I'm letting myself down. I want to be that mother that is strong and unbreakable, I want to be that supportive wife who stands at her husbands side no matter where he's standing or why. I want to be that person who has the freedom to decide what to do for myself without being dictated to. But right now I'm not ready to be that person, I'm building up to it. But i'm not there yet. One thing that made me realize that it might not be best to go was when we were talking about it I didn't realize I'd been digging my nails into my palm hard to cope with the thoughts and fears. Then another thought. I WOULD take a blade with me of some kind. And I WOULD use it to cope. Just being in that bathroom to pee and have a shower would have me clutching at it for safety and how can I support a child and husband if I'm bleeding and wrecked?

I want to thank the people that have supported me and who will continue to support me through this tough time over this week and the weekend. I appreciate your help and your support.

The hardest past now is accepting it and getting through the first few hours after they have left and crying until I can't anymore. It's going to hurt like hell, even more than it did at the hotel. But whats the other choice? And will it hurt my performance as a mum, wife and a person more? Will it undo my good work, the potential is high which is why T suggests that I stay here. It already hurts. But one thing I do have which I've never had before is a friend that will be here in case I need anything.

The other thing I have to make sure I do, is keep going out while I'm here alone, not using Angel not being here as an excuse not to keep at it.

I'm going to leave it there, right now I feel to guilty and upset to say anything much more coherent. Plus my keyboard is getting wet, which isn't so good for it.

Working things out

Yesterday I didn't blog, T and I had a night just watching one of our favorite movies on the sofa in the dark with the fairly lights on. During the day the plan had been to go to the shopping park nearby to look for a rain coat for Angel, so we're not stuck in the house when it rains. But only T was up early enough because the car needed taking into the garage before eleven. I suggested that we all go up there in the car and then walk back together, maybe going a bit further on the way back. T thought it was a good idea and off we went. I was on a quarter of a lorazapam and determined I wouldn't be taking any more. I was a bit wibbly about leaving the car there and walking back, especially when I realized that it was further than I'd first thought but I concentrated on Angel and we walked most of the way home then detoured to the post box, then from there through the little park and out onto the main road where I deliberated between heading home of walking in the opposite direction to the post office where T wanted to go. I decided to take the risk and go further and although Angel and I waited outside the post office instead of going in I did it okay and from that point on wards felt fine walking home, munching crisps and sweets and chattering away. We got a call later about the car and it turned out that it needed nearly £500 work done and we had no choice but to pay for it. Then when T picked it up he realized that there was more work that it needed that hadn't been done so it's going back in tomorrow morning for work again. I also spent a lot of the afternoon, cleaning, tidying and sorting out all of Angel's old baby things to sell and then onto mine and T's bedroom and my clothes. The room is looking much tidier and I got rid of a load of things I was holding onto but didn't really need. I always find that hard but with the meds making my OCD a bit better I'm making the most of the tiny amount of freedom. 


Today we got up and the weather was completely atrocious! It was peeing it down and windy and nasty but I was still hoping that we could go out in the car. We all got into the car okay, but i was feeling a but icky. I wasn't sure if it was panic or something else, as is always the worry. But after listening to my hypnotherapy calming thingie and doing my breathing, I concluded that it felt more physical than mental and I decided to stay home. I don't regret that decision, it felt right at the time and although the feeling passed a while after, there would have been no point in pushing things when the issue wasn't mental and could have pushed me backwards again. 


This entry from here on is mostly going to be me going on about going to Norfolk, listing the reasons and things that terrify me and trying to break it down to work out whether to risk going or not. To work out just how much of a risk it is. T has told me to work it all out so that by tomorrow night we have a plan so I don't have to worry any more, I think he's fed up of seeing me making myself feel ill with worry. So here goes:

1. The house - 

* We know now that we definitely don't have the money for a hotel stay because of the price of getting the car fixed - This now means I have no choice but to stay in that house. 


*We found out that there are minimal cooking facilities in the kitchen upstairs for us to use but I don't want the grief of trying to explain why I refuse to eat or let T or Angel eat their food that they make. But main thing is, after I've arrived and cleaned the whole thing and keep other people out, we'll have a clean cooking place for Angel and T to be fed from. 


* Can I  be in there with the same bathroom, same rooms, same sounds and same smells. Can I cope with that? Or will my mind disappear into the past?


* Staying in the house has a major potential of getting ill, whether I go with T and Angel or not, it still poses a risk. But if I was to get ill, it would be so much better to be in my own home, my own safe space where the environment is safe. 


* The thought of picking something up there bothers me so much that I know i will be scared to eat in case I bring it back up. I know I will be scared to go out in case I get ill away from a bathroom. I know I will be scared to sleep in case I get ill in the night and make a mess because I don't manage to get to a safe space to be ill. I know I will be major picky of Angel mixing with people, and touching things, it will be a full time job and I know I will come across as the full on over protective mum. 


* I will have to have lorazapam to do the journey as well as anti-emetics which knock me out. I will have to have lorazapam when I get there and then at bedtime to have a hope in hell of sleeping. I know I'll have to have one to deal with the funeral and the wake then again to sleep that night. I'll need some to get me through the next day and then the next night. And finally I will need more to get home and another anti-emetic. All that lorazapam will mean on heck of withdrawal symptoms for the following week or so. Headaches, tiredness, panic, anxiety, wanting to self-harm etc etc. 


* I know, no I think I can do it if I need to. But what will be the after effects, apart from the withdrawal of meds. Will I be so far backwards I have to go through all that hard work again to get back to where I am now? Will I go further back than before? Is there a chance I'll be fine? i'm sure there's a small chance somewhere floating around but I'm not entirely convinced. 

2. Travelling - 

*Will I cope with travelling so far when only going as far as half an hour away has me panicking and I've not traveled more than half an hour away in over two years. 


* Angel has never traveled more than half an hour away, how will she react? Will I cope if she plays up? What if she gets travel sick? I've always found in the past that if there is someone else to worry about (it used to be my sister) it makes me a hell of a lot worse myself. 


* The travel home will be the worst after not eating a lot over the weekend and probably not sleeping either, then the worry that I've picked something up, or Angel has and we will get ill on the way home like what happened before. 

3. Other points - 

* If I'm really that anxious and panicky, will I  be able to go to the funeral and the wake?


* I feel like I'm weak and I need to pull myself together but that is the reason T has asked me to write this all out, so we can work it out with clear heads as to what is the best option for all of us, not just for this week but for the coming weeks, the future and how I'll be after the experience. 


* I feel like I need to be there for my baby girl, in case she does get ill, in case she can't sleep in a different place, in case she doesn't travel well and because both T and her are my anchors to this world and I hate the thought of being so far away from them. I should be around to help if she doesn't like the travelling or plays up in the car. I should be around to help if she has trouble sleeping there day and night. I should be there to support both T and Angel. But should I be there to do all of that at the expense of me losing myself along the way, even if just temporarily? One half of me says yes and another half says no. 


* His family will think I'm a failure as a mother and wife if I can't go. Or at least I'll feel like they think it and no matter how much other people's opinions shouldn't bother me and I pretend they don't, they do, a lot. 


I'm so confused about what is the right thing to do for the final result. I don't feel like I'm ready for this. I wish there was someone to tell me what to do, someone to obey because I hate making decisions. 

Broken

Today one of my fans touched on something that made me stop and think. She told me that the raw pain and emotion I got into my latest published chapter is so real and vivid. She said that my character must be so broken inside. It wasn't until reading it back over I realized that I had to do was change the name from my character to mine and it would be me a few years younger than he is in the book. Scared to eat in the house with his family, scared to use the toilet or bathroom facilities, creeping round and hiding from them all so they can't throw the equivalent of bricks at him with their words. Stealing and hiding food so he can eat, making himself ill from starvation and not doing normal human functioning like going to the toilet and sleeping. The only thing he looks forward to is cutting himself, hurting himself in anyway and when he isn't being hurt at home he's being bullied at school and living through hell there too. I never intended him to be that person, in my previous book I was concerned because I couldn't identify with him at all, because this is the sequel it has gone back in time but in my previous book he is older and someone who I didn't recognize or identify with. Someone strong, hardened and confident, someone who I now know is hurting like hell inside, especially watching the love of his life but without being able to be with him, but who hides it and cries internally.
Maybe that's why I'm struggling to come back to myself right now, because I'm confused, I'm stuck back there in the past. I'm always stuck in the past.

Today he goal was for me and Angel to walk to the post office to take a parcel to send to a friend. But when we got up it was pelting down outside and did so most of the day so T took it and posted it in the car on the way home from work instead, which means, apart from feeding bunny, I haven't been out of the house at all today. I just feel so tired, so mentally drained, like I can't even try. I'm not sure if it's the weather or whether I'm still suffering with what ever lurgy attacked me a few days ago, when I couldn't stop coughing. That seems to mostly be gone now, but in it's place is a nasty earache, tiredness and imbalance.

For the last few days I've been wracking my brains to come up with a solution for staying at T's parents house, in that PTSD trap. I know if I go, I won't sleep, I won't eat (which will be double hell for travelling especially when I tend to get travel sickness). I know that I won't use the toilet there, I know I won't be able to communicate or let Angel do very much in the main house. I know I won't cope and I know what a huge risk that is to how far I've come just lately. What state will I come back in? When all I can think to do is cut too deep so I can get out of going, perhaps falling down the stairs and breaking something. If I put myself in a lot of pain then we won't go, or if we will I will have the pain to focus on. So with that in mind, should I go? T said he doesn't want to go alone but if I can't go then he will just take Angel alone.
I'm so damn weak. he needs me and what am I doing? Worrying about myself.
And to top off how selfish I am, when he suggested he take Angel alone I thought to myself, that means more days off, and this time at home, which will be a lot less panicky. Selfish. If I was to stay on my own again, would I even come back to myself when I'm finding it so hard this time? Will it be easier with it being in my house? What shall I do? I wish there was someone who could tell me.

All I can think about right now is hurting myself, I'm supposed to be working, writing, but all my character can do is think about hurting himself. Only difference being, he has made a promise to try to stop, I haven't. He has no blades to hand, I do.

Where I've been, In my mind i've already cut myself a thousand times

The last day I blogged was Monday afternoon, when Angel was supposed to be sleeping and failing at it. When she got up and T got home from work, I had a last final few things to get ready then we went out to get me to the hotel. I was very anxious, I didn't want to get out of the car but I somehow found the will to move and because of parking, went in alone and got myself sorted even though I'd never been there before and didn't know at all what to expect. The receptionist was lovely and she pointed me in the right direction to my room.
It was very dark in the corridors, the lights came on when you walked under them which was a little freaky alone but my room was only one floor up from the reception and I found room 20 no problem. The floor was carpeted in very new looking green carpet, there was a single bed against the wall beside the door, with a radiator over the top of it, which I thought very odd but I guess there was no where else for it. There was a desk and kitchen area opposite the door, a flat screen TV on the wall to the left and the door to the shower room and toilet. It was far too quiet in the room and very cold because of the windows being open a crack. I shut them and put the heater on and the TV and got the internet sorted out. Then I got my lap top out on the bed and sat down......and cried and cried and forced myself to eat a little and cried some more. Then I had a shower and found that helped a lot and I stopped crying but realized that there was none of the night left.
I did some hypnotherapy then went to sleep, setting my alarm so I would wake up before bedtime the next night.

Unfortintalely despite being able to sleep in as long as I wanted to I was awake at half past seven and decided to get up and get dressed and get on with some writing. So before nine in the morning I was sitting at my laptop at the desk, looking out at the building opposite which reflected the sun and clouds at me and down at the street below at the people. I made some coffee and dipped my biscuits into it as I worked, I edited and wrote and rested my eyes by looking below again, peed, drank lots of coke, made lunch, wrote more, walked around my room singing for a moment while I watched down below, wrote, wrote wrote, snacked while I wrote, peed, wrote, and then I got hungry and made some dinner then wrote while I ate, then wrote some more, then I had a shower, did a little hypnotherapy then wrote a little more. I stopped at about half ten to do a little knitting before bed. i'd reached a total of over 13 hours straight. I was pleased and happy and felt free.

I woke up earlier the next morning, at seven and decided to get up and get a little writing done before I had to get ready to go meet T and Angel and go round town with them. I wrote a short story about zombies for a writing competition, then edited it and got my stuff ready. I was so pleased to see T and Angel again but I was sad to be leaving a world where it was only me and I could do as much writing as I liked, and I tidied up as I went along so there was no mess.

The only problem I had the whole time was that I was anxious a LOT, I ended up taking lorazapam Tuesday evening. It's silly really but I kept thinking, what happens if I the fire-bell goes and I have to go outside and I have a panic attack or get ill?

We walked around town after we met up and didn't really do anything meaningful, just meandered. Last night I developed a nasty cough and it wouldn't go away. However I pushed myself to the absolute limits, moving furniture around, hanging my art work up, cleaning, tidying, throwing things out, advertising things, all in the dining room, so I could make it 'my work room'. A place where I can go to do my 'work' and be able to concentrate and be out of the way. Bonus being it doubled as T's work room too so he can do his work from home in there so he wont keep getting distracted by me and Angel in the living room. I was so excited about getting my own space, my own work place.

Today I struggled to wake up, I know I was having bad dreams but I'm not sure about what. I finally got more conscious after I'd had some coffee and I fit back into Angel care fine. We went for a walk to the post box this morning and I met a friend on the way and we had a chat. I promised to text her later but I haven't purely because my mood has messed up. It started raining so we said bye and Angel and I continued to the post box then hurried home as he coat isn't great at keeping her dry any more, she's almost grown out of it.
I actually had a lovely day looking after Angel even though, today for the first time she didn't have her usual nap. She showed absolutely 0 signs of needing one so I just let her play. She had a few little time outs while she munched snack and she had a lie down on her big lady bird cushion 'Gaston' at one point. We had a lovely day, I got loads done too, I got washing on, washing sorted, washing up done, bottles made, (Although Angel has started refusing them), hoovered, cleaned the hob and the kitchen sides, made dinner, made lunch, tidied Angels room, changed her bed, swept her floor, fed the animals, put up the new hook and bird feeder in the garden.

Then T came home from work and it felt like Angel literally turned into a demon, just like that, as soon as he was through the door. She went from being an Angel to being a little crying, moaning, fucker and it broke my heart after all the work I'd put in and sacrificing the two hours I usually get during the day to myself. I felt like she was showing me up to be a bad mum, after I'd felt like I was doing so well all day. Then I snapped and it felt like I dissapeared back to the hotel, to the day of writing and nothing else. I thought about having to go away next week and face my PTSD and my phobia. I thought about how much effort, how many hours I put into Angel and T and this house, and how many hours I put into myself. How much I run around for them and I'm left with only the tired brain and a clutched together measly few hours before bed to do what I want to do, to do what I enjoy doing. And why? Because it doesn't earn, because it isn't a job and because I put everyone else first constantly. That day off was the only one I have had since the day Angel was born. Why the fuck don't I get more? Am I selfish to want more? I wish I hadn't gone away now, because I wouldn't have had a taste of what it could be like. Of who I could be and the scariness of wanting that freedom, not all the time, only maybe for one day a week, only maybe for one day a month. Any fucking thing. I shouldn't have gone, I shouldn't have gone, I shouldn't have gone.

The scary thing is it feels like the reality is broken, It feels like a part of me is there, showering, nibbling snacks while I type, tap tap tap. I wouldn't be surprised that is someone is staying in that room right now, they aren't freaked out of their mind while part of my spirit sits there 'tap tap tap'.
"Excuse me, would it be possible to move rooms? Room twenty is haunted."
I'm struggling not to hurt myself tonight, I'm struggling not to do more than hurt myself when right now I can't see anything in front of me apart from more 24/7 child care, more every waking hour housework and looking after cooking and T and the animals. What's the point? At least T gets an element of time off when he works. At least he gets that time to and from work which is sometimes hours where he can sit and just drive and listen to his audio books and relax. I have the choice when it gets to Angel's bedtime and the housework has finally been finished... my biggest passion - writing, making something for my shop or relaxing. I bet you can guess how many times a week I choose to just relax?
FML
In my mind I've already cut myself a thousand times.

Nightmares and fears

I will start from yesterday (Sunday) because I didn't end up getting a chance to do any blogging yesterday in the end. 

The plan had been to go to a big park to let Angel play and run around and feed the ducks and swans. However I spent the whole night having nightmares about there being a big street parade thing, lots of crowds outside and someone getting very sick. Then me feeling like I've been infected with it and standing in front of the crowds knowing I'm going to be ill. 

When I woke up it felt very real and then when we were going to go out we realized that the Sikh street parade was on. We knew nothing of it until we looked outside and saw they were all gathering, crowds and crowds of people, just like in my dream. I felt really wibbly because it was so similar. We came to the conclusion that with them all shutting the roads off that we probably would have problems getting back home if we went out in the car. So T took Angel out for a walk in the pram while I did a load of housework and got the BBQ out ready for lunch. In my dream I had gone around to the shop and it was when I was walking back round to our house that there was vomit. So I got myself ready and went around the shop in real life to challenge it. To say look it didn't really happen. Then I met T and Angel on the way back from the shops and we went a little way up the road to watch the start of the parade. There were loads and loads of people, cars, noise from the drums, children and big vans and things. It was lovely to watch but terrifying, standing there like in my dream with my tummy feeling wibbly from the dream still and having a panic attack. I stood my ground though, I made myself stand there and pushed so that I didn't move until the whole parade had gone past. It was hard but I did it. 

I helped get the BBQ ready then and as soon as the panic had died down I managed to eat a fair amount of food. Then it started raining and Angel and I got cold, so we jumped into the bath together for the first time in a long time. Challenging the PTSD from having her in the bath. 

Unfortunately and I have no idea why I then spent a lot of the evening panicking for some reason. It came on suddenly and I kept doing little jobs and things to distract myself but it was horrible and the first time I'd felt like that in ages. Angel finally broke me of it with her usual happy gigglyness and then we put her to bed and T helped me pack my things for tonight and tomorrow night. 

Last night I ended up feeling panicky again from about 10 until half past 1 in the morning. So i had a lot of trouble waking up this morning and made T a little late for work. 

I was so slow starting, I felt so weak and worn down. Like all the confidence I've had over the past few weeks/months has all drained away from me and it's just the old weak, scared me left. I felt like I was letting myself down, because I'd planned to take Angel to the small supermarket not far away to get some things to make T his favorite tonight for dinner as a surprise, but I really wasn't feeling confident enough to even go out of the door, or to the end of the road. I listened to my panic audio a little and got our bags ready and thought, we'll just go to the post box then come home, if I'm not up to more. I was terrified but a friend was texting me at the time and I found that very distracting and it helped keep me calm enough to want to go into the little park after the post box. I went from there out onto the main road and remembered that the convenience store/post office up the road from there might sell the things I want to T's special lasagna. I decided to go up that way instead and try that shop. I was anxious but went in and managed to find what I wanted. We walked home from there a slightly longer way as I was feeling more confident and definitely more relaxed. 

Angel's nap time has been a nightmare so far today. She's cried almost non-stop despite me giving her paracetamol for her teething and a teething ring, and teething gel. She'shad cuddles, refuses her milk and had me in tears with not knowing what to do. I'd really wished that she wasn't so much trouble when I'm supposed to be going away later, I'll feel more guilty leaving her with her dad alone if she's like this and it will break my heart to leave her in pain and upset, even more than it will anyway.

Oooooh,. scary, excited, scared, excited, scared, arrrrrrrrgggggg

The title of today's entry says it all really. I'm feeling the tension in my shoulders today from worrying about going to T's families house in Norfolk for the funeral. But after talking through it A LOT, T told me he doesn't want to go alone. I think he's more upset than he's been letting on. 
So I have decided that I AM going. I'm absolutely terrified but I need to do it for him, even if it means getting worse and having to work my ass off to get back to where I am now. So on the 4th of May we are going in the car for a long journey to hell for a few days. A friend has agreed to pop round and look after the animals for us. She's amazing and has taken a load off my shoulders with that!!! 


Phew, so what else did I do today? Well we didn't plan in a very eventful day but T did agree to take me for my 2nd driving lesson today. I had no anxiety and it was actually scary but a lot a lot a lot of fun. T was laughing at my giddy enthusiasm and I got as far as emergency stops (I was told I was perfect at, I'm glowing with pride), driving around and around a car park, both right and left and pulling into parking spaces, oh yes and reversing into spaces. I even had to do a real emergency stop when a car came out of nowhere and I stopped safely before T had even said anything to me. I felt very positive and walked across the large car park with Angel to go into the supermarket. T took Angel into the changing room to sort her nappy while I said (without having the car keys to hand), that I would go and get the few things we needed. I didn't feel anxious at all and I was on 0 lorazapam. Even when I couldn't find T and Angel again because T had popped to the toilet too. We came home and I ate like a pig again then I spent some more time worrying and Angel's entire sleep time trying to get T to convince me that I should take the break he's been offering me in return for having Angel all weekend while he went to his mum's party in Norfolk. 


In the end he managed to talk me into agreeing to go to the writers retreat. I'll be staying in a hotel alone from Monday evening until Wednesday afternoon. So two whole days and nights alone. I have never been away from Angel for even a night, or even three hours at a time and I have to admit I'm terrified! My little baby, I keep thinking I can't leave her, I can't leave my warm husband. But he thinks it is the best thing for me to get away a while. So he booked the room, well actually it's like a small apartment with a bedroom, bathroom, desk and kitchen. Wifi is available too. I'm sooooooo scared and a little excited. I need to pack my things tomorrow as I won't have time on Monday, I'll have Angel on my own all day while T works and I might do something special with her, although not sure what yet. (accepting ideas). So I won't have chance to pack that day. So tomorrow it is. 


T said to me, it will only take about 15 mins, little does he know! I'm, a TYPICAL woman when it comes to packing. I take EVERYTHING. You know, just in case............


So I have made a list and so far there is a LOT on it. I'm wondering what to take to wear, be adverterous as its my special time off? Or stick to comfy stuff? Hmmm better take both. He he.... and food, well what might I like...... I could fancy anything. And I need lots of snacks too, writing = snacks. And I will want to take other things to do too, in case I need a break from writing or time to plan in my mind before I write the next bit, so knitting, that means wool, needles and a book. painting, that means paints, brushes and pads. DVD's?  Music? 


What if I don't know what to do with all that time alone and I end up wasting it? What if I get lonely? What if a murderer gets in and kills me in the night? Take a weapon!! What if the world ends or the zombie Apocalypse comes and I'm not with my little family?...............Okay, now I'm getting kinda rantish and a little  bit of my overactive imagination is showing. But seriously, arrrgggggg. 

Can't let go **Could Be Triggering For Emetophobics**

I can't let go, it only takes something small to take me back there again. Back to boxing day when we traveled the four hours to get to T's parents house. Walking in through the front door and coming face to face with the gorgeous big marine tank. It's my first Christmas with T and I've only ever been in this house once before. We stand and admire the tank for a while then after using the loo which is next to the tank we walk through into the entrance hall, the sound of people greets us and we go through the next door into the large living room/diner where a sour, throat clogging smell instantly chokes me. I try to hold my breath, looking around the room for the source of the pungent smell. K our sister-in-law sat on the sofa in a fluffy dressing gown looking pale and ill, her two boys were playing on the floor, and her husband T's brother M was sitting next to K with his eyes closed and his skin as pale as snow. T's dad was sat on another sofa with his head back on the back of it and his eyes closed also. B (T's sister) and her husband and son weren't to be seen. The TV is blaring on but everyone is quiet. T's mum walks into the room from the kitchen, bringing with her the smell of a roast cooking.
She tells us that everyone has caught a sickness bug, only the the two boys and her haven't had it yet. I was instantly panicking about catching it and feeling angry that they hadn't told us despite knowing I'm an emetophobic and knowing we were coming.

Lunch is served and barely anyone comes to the table, only T and me (although I really really do not want to eat here, or even be here), T's other sister E and his dad and the boys. I force myself to eat as much as I can, feeling a growing sickness inside of me from fear of getting ill. I imagine that every bite I take contains germs that are gathering in my tummy to get me. After the meal we all sit around the sofa's talking and catching up and sharing presents. The boys both become fractious and irritable and clingy. The youngest is sick in the kitchen and fortunately for the dogs making noise I didn't hear anything. The older one of the two is being carried around by T's dad as he is clingy and crying, I happen to look up right at the moment he's sick all over and all down his granddad's back and neck. I feel my fears rising, I can't look anywhere to avoid the illness around me, It feels like its coming to get me. I'm surrounded and we can't go home, even though I ask T if we can.
That evening everyone has gone to bed except me, T and T's mum, we're sitting around the fire and i'm massaging T's back. We finally go to bed quite late and I don't remember what happened then except fearing, and knowing I'm infected.

The following morning T and I got up and I decided to try to stay positive. I ate a little sausage meat and toast for breakfast then T and I went out to a small town and picked up a game(sort of like cards but role play). I hadn't felt hungry all day and hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, so when I felt ill on the way back to the house, I just presumed it was travel sickness. It went off when we got back and T and I sat at the table playing the card game while T ate some cakes. I still didn't feel hungry at all, just a bit urgh. Then suddenly I began to feel worse and I asked T if we could move upstairs to our room just for some quiet because I presumed it was panic, i was so used to panic attacks and I had good reason to have one, being surrounded by yack.

We got upstairs but I didn't feel better. I tried to console myself with once I'm sick I will be okay again and I'll be able to get over it. T knew how hard I was finding it and sat down in front of me, looking into my eyes with his hands on mine as I shook with fear. I cried and shook and cried then I started to feel like I couldn't breath, I felt trapped and had to push  away and rush into the bathroom which was opposite. At first nothing happened and T told me to let go because if I held back it would be worse. I remember shaking and feeling so so so scared and so ill and running to cold tap to wet my lips and my forehead and calm me down. The hot tears wouldn't stop and then the vomit started. I didn't know how I had so much from not eating all day. Then it stopped and I breathed a sigh of terrified relief and went back into the bedroom. T left me to go to the other bathroom as he too wasn't feeling too well all of a sudden. Then the feeling in me came back. I rush back to the bathroom and locked the door, feeling terrified alone,knowing that T was alone and I wanted to comfort him but couldn't and I couldn't stop being ill. I sat on the loo in between being ill, digging my nails into my arms, wishing and praying for no more. Then I'd feel the feeling building up again. From my stomach to my throat. I was so exhausted and really thought after I'd lost count hoe many times it was that it was over and I crawled into bed clothed, still with T in the bathroom. I'd just fallen asleep when I had to jump up and run to the bathroom again. This happened at least 4 times, from semi-conscious to ill. I don't remember when it stopped. I know I wished no one would come upstairs and see me like that. I felt disgusting and diseased and we had to stay days extra to get the weakness out of our systems. It took me a long with while that to actually get my eating back to normal, even for me.
I can't get that smell away from me, the pictures of it all. The sounds.

I'm not sure how I can even step foot inside that house again, let alone sleep on the same landing and use the same bathroom.

The following time we visited something a little similar happened. They once again didn't tell us that anyone had been ill. This time was was T's sister E who was ill and when we came away on the third evening we thought we'd escaped it. I suffer from travel sickness and get extra panicky in the car so when I started to feel iffy on the way home, we stopped several times and I felt a little bit better again then it would come back. When we reached home I was feeling atrocious and sent T inside as I didn't even feel like I could move from the car. I kept thinking about what I'd had for dinner, imagined I could feel it roiling around. I played with little things from the glove compartment to try to turn my mind away from it but I just felt ill. I managed to get the car door open and my knees on the floor when I was sick, thankfully this time only once, but still mentally scarring. To fight that whole journey home to be ill outside.

These are the memories I'm living, I'm going over and over and over, stuck in in my mind with the funeral for T's grandma coming on the 4th May. I'm terrified to be in that house, to take that same journey in the car and to smell the smells of the house, of the people. To hear the sounds of the tanks humming away, and the TV. The sound of the children and the dogs.

The last time we stayed there I was no more than 6-8 weeks pregnant, before the pregnancy nausea started and we stayed in a different room to the one we'd stayed in with the illness. But we had to use that same bathroom and I didnt sleep all night despite lorazapam and clonazapam. I was terrified and very very triggered. I'm so terrified of going back there. Of my Angel being taken there and catching something. Do we just stay here again like the other week? Even though it was hard? Or do I just do it, just go, even though i know the risks and fears involved?

Depressed and pointless

This morning's goal was to do the shopping on my own with Angel. I decided to take it a step up from a small and easier super market, to a huge one with a library there are part of the establishment. I didn't feel that nervous about it, i got my list got things ready and we went out. When we got there I didn't mess about or delay I just got Angel into a trolley and we went in and started. By being very careful with what I brought and the prices of things I managed to only spend 35.00 rather then the usual 90 something. Angel and I had some fun zooming up and down the isles when we reached an empty one. Angel also thought a great game was to tickle me whenever I was pushing the unruly trolley. Her smiles and giggles were infectious and I didn't feel very anxious if i did at all. I enjoyed it and for a while i didn't feel so depressed. After we'd payed and got the shopping into the car, I took Angel into the library and she chose some books and looks at loads, trying out all of the seats. Then a very big, very rowdy family came in and we decided to head home anyway as it was very nearly Angel lunch time and she was getting hungry and I was starving.

So a successful morning.

I feel anything but successful now however. Angel is having her nap and I have been looking for jobs. I honestly don't really want to work but unfortunately T has opened me up to the money issues and us having no back up. I've had nightmares about money for a few nights, looking in our accounts to find there is nothing and we really need to get some food for Angel. I really wish that my work at home would kick off, but I know it wont. I'm thinking that when my listings on Etsy run out, I won't renew them. I've stopped making things, I just don't see the point in wasting time. I have also stopped writing, I just feel like giving up. I cant do anything to help with anything and I hate myself so so much. I'm so angry that I can't contribute. I felt like I was exactly where I wanted to be, but now I feel lost and a failure.
Funny I was always told growing up that I'd need a 'proper' job to earn money and I always believed I could do it my way, sell things I made, get my writing recognized. I'm 23 not a day dreaming child any more and I think I need to grow up and get a proper career even though I despise the idea.

Exhausted

Tonight I feel completely worn out and exhausted. I suppose it's after all the stress and upset of last night.


This morning Angel and I went to the retail park. T parked in the car park and went off into the cafe to do his work on the WiFi while Angel and I went in almost every shop there. I stayed calm and relaxed even when I was a long distance from the car. When we had finished shopping and looking at the animals in the pet shop we walked to the resteraunt and sat down with T while he got ready to leave. I felt comfortable enough that if we'd have had the money to buy lunch there I would have eaten in the resteraunt happily.


Money is a big issue right now. I might be making it bigger than it is but for me it's big. I've spent today worrying and stressing about it, thinking that i could do weekly sales to sell my stuff and earn more, problem with that being it isn't the right climate for it, with everyone being low of money too. So I'm left feeling like a failure that I can't bring money in and everything I do it worth nothing and pointless.  So here I am thinking, kitting, earns nothing, pointless, painting, earns nothing, pointless, writing, earns nothing, pointless, card making, earns nothing, pointless, jewellery making, earns nothing, pointless. ........ There's a trend there. I feel so disappointed in myself that I have no qualifications, I have nothing to show for anything and I'll never be anyone. What's the point in being able to do things that get me nowhere? 


I am definitely falling into if I haven't already fallen to the depths of depression again. The cycles are less extreme but they still are. 


Tomorrow's goal is to do the weekly food shop alone with Angel, T will be in the building, in the cafe working just in case, but I will be for the first time shopping alone with my little girl. Right now I'm a little excited, probably because it feels like a useful thing to do and I love being out and about with my Angel. I might take her to the library too depending on how long shopping takes and where we go to do it. 
I don't know how I'll feel about it in the morning but for now I will wallow in the nicest feelings I can. 

A rough night

Last night T and I had a very bad argument which ended in him writing me a letter. We wee both very upset and hurt so I decided to take the evening away from him to have a shower and clear my head so I could write a  responsible, true reply back to him. I think the fact that I asked for time alone upset him too but I knew it was what I needed to clear my mind and once I'd got my tears out of the way I could think properly.

We sent a few replies backwards and forwards and mostly got things sorted. I offered him the chance to leave me or have me leave him and make it work but he declined and I never intend to ask that question again. I think we both need to accept that when we are both in low, augmentative moods that we are more guarded with what we say and maybe just do something together to be close that doesn't need talking which could turn into an argument, like watching a movie or doing some painting together.

Today is the day that I was supposed to be going to the dentist but for the last two days I haven't had any pain from my tooth at all. Me and T decided between us this morning that we are best leave the dentist for today as we don't really have the spare money to pay for an appointment. If I needed one we would make it work but no point if it isn't really needed.

So today we are going to go up to a retail park because I have a voucher off in one of the shops. However i can't see me really using it for much as there isn't anything we need and with money being tight, I'd rather no spend it. When I say money is tight, i mean that we are okay month to month but we live month to month, we have no savings anywhere to catch us if we have to fork out on something unexpectedly. I am putting together a list of things that we have around the house that we can sell to go into a saving account and I'm wracking my brains trying to come up with more ways that I can make us money. I would feel so much better if I could contribute and I know that we would be better financially. I want to do my bit, I just don't know how to.

I'm going to get ready to go out, I expect I will write about how much of a success or failure it is later. Until then, bye x

Making a dilemma out of nothing

It's a rainy, dull, grotty day today. Angel has been driving me mad since she got up. I don't know what's got into her, maybe a demon but she's whining and moaning and crying for no reason, not real crying, fake uh huh huh crying like George pig from Peppa pig. 


We popped to the shop to get some ingredients and I thought i'd get Angel to help me bake and then do some more fun things which is what we usually do on wet days. She wasn't very interested though. Once the rain had mostly stopped I decided to get us outside for a walk in the hope it would calm us both down as I was feeling very fraught and agitated. It was nice walking but still Angel kept tripping over, moaning etc etc grrr. Thankfully I didn't feel at all panicky. We came home and I made her some lunch. She ate a little more than usual but still messed it about a lot. A little while later I thought yay nap time, time for some me time, I can write and have time to relax a bit and calm my mood down before it goes into self-harm. But she isn't sleeping this nap time, instead she is rolling around in her cot squealing and moaning and behaving very badly. 

Let me take a break from the crap in my mind, seeing as i can't in real life. I'm still worrying about the dentist although I'm unsure whether I'll be going or not. My tooth hasn't hurt for a few days now. I'm tempted to go anyway and have a check up as there are a few iffy teeth but I'm not sure it is worth going through or not. I'll see how i feel in the morning and won't worry until then.

On the 4th of May we have a funeral to go to in Norfolk. But T has brought some thoughts up in my mind from his blog. Why can we make it work to go up there for a funeral but we couldn't for his mum's birthday party?
If I'm honest, as horrible as it sounds I would rather be going through the stress of travelling all that distance for a holiday instead. We missed out on a holiday last year and I'm feeling the lack. Travelling is difficult for me, presses major triggers and sets me off bad. I know I will be panicky and have to dose up majorly. Not only that but if we go to Norfolk to see his family and go to the funeral, we will have a choice, spend money we don't have on a hotel or stay in his parents house. His parent's house presses more major buttons than travelling. Almost every time we have visited in the past we have come home with sickness bugs or even worse had them while we're there. The house is loud and crowded and full of very bad memories and PTSD issues i am still not over and not sure I ever completely will be. We will be staying in the rooms we stayed in when I was the illest I have ever been. We will be using the bathroom that I used when I was so ill I couldn't breathe or walk. I don't know if I can do that. But what is the other option. Me looking after Angel while T goes again?


So coming back around to my reward for looking after Angel all weekend alone the other week. Next week T has taken a few days off work. The idea was to send me away to a hotel for a few nights for a 'writers retreat'. For hours of writing time, undisturbed and alone. 
However I'm terrified, I have never spent the night away from Angel before and I've never spent the night away from the house without T with me. What if I hate it? What if I come home and T has been so soft on Angel he's changed her routine and I have to set everything back again? What if I like it? What If I'm greedy and the time I get isn't enough for me and I can't get back into home life again? 


I'm not in the best of moods at all today and I know if I go on I will continue writing only my worries and fears and moaning. I guess this all means I need to talk to T.

Thanks for reading my ranting. xxx

If anyone can do this, it will be me.

Today I woke up feeling exhausted and like I didn't have the energy to do anything. T had to go over to a big animal place to pick up some stuff for our pets. The plan had originally been for him to drop Angel and I off at a big shopping place where we could go to the library and look for some clothes for Angel. However I just wasn't feeling like I could do it, even with half a lorazapam and aconite in me. I started to wonder whether I'd cursed myself by perhaps working out the reason I'm doing so well. I'm so superstitious, I tend to think saying anything positive will lead to a negative affect. 


I told T to go out without us and that I would work something out, even if it's just going to the post box. As soon as he was gone I popped into mummy mode and my mummy instincts seemed to take over. I got Angel to help me feed the animals then we got our teeth brushed and she wanted to wash her face like mummy does. Then she played with her toys while I got our bags ready and loaded onto the stroller. At this point in time the goal was only to go to the post box and just see how I feel. I have to admit I had more ideas about things to do so I took another quarter lorazapam to give me the best advantage. I drank my fear and stepped outside, talking to Angel to distract my mind. 


The walk to the post box wasn't too bad and Angel told me "That way." pointing towards the little park so I went that way. I felt relaxed enough and when we got half way through there I remembered that I need to pick my prescription up for my mood meds as I only have a one tablet left. I decided that was my 2nd goal of the day and crossed over the busy road, heading up to the doctors. I haven't stepped foot in the doctors for about a year and just going there today was a huge challenge. I felt my heart pumping really fast and could hear my heartbeat in my ears, THUMP THUMP           thump       thump      thuMP THUMP THUMP             thump             thump    thuMP THUMP THUMP             thump....................................... It's always a little scary hearing my heartbeat speeding up and bouncing out of my chest then slowing right down and stopping for a moment then getting going again like a car up a hill then gaining in speed then dropping again. My heartbeat doesn't really have a pattern, that above is my best guess. Anyway I told myself I am okay, I'm only here to pick up my prescription then I can go again. I calmed down asked for the script then left. I felt calmer going down to the chemist and I went in and signed the paper and showed my card then we stood waiting for the tablets. However they had to order them in so we were told to come back later. 


From there I decided to go a bit further and crossed the road to the big park with all the swans and geese and ducks and pigeons. Angel enjoyed quacking and honking at them all which was lovely. Then I pushed further, spurred on by goodness knows what. Maybe the fact I knew Angel was getting low on clothes. Maybe because  I know T would be about at home to pick us up if I got more panicky. I also couldn't help but think about how it's still the school holidays which means I could bump into my mum in anywhere, and town is a place she and my sister go a lot. I kept scanning the crowds for her, and tensing up if I saw someone that looked like her. 
But I went further, Pushing all my fears and all my boundaries. When I got past the first shop in the city center I saw a friend and her family up ahead and I couldn't help but smile. I t felt so wonderful to see her and she gave me a huge hug that felt wonderful. She's so much of an inspiration and she is always so encouraging and positive towards me. Sometimes how nice people are to me confuse me because I'm not used to being encouraged or told someone is proud of me. I'm not used to positive reinforcement or belief in me. But I am grateful to all those that give it to me, all three of you ;)


So yes, back to the story. After she went (and her family are all so polite and lovely) I carried on, spurred on by her positiveness. I got up to the shop I intended to go into and went inside the doors. I was feeling quite anxious and it was quite warm inside which never helps me. I somehow willed myself into the lift to take me up to the 2nd floor where all the Angel sized clothes are. 
I used my elastic bands a little and dug my nails into my arm a little, but no where near enough to mark. I felt very anxious but I didn't have an actual panic attack. I got into the looking for clothes, Angel helped me carry things and I got her some new things to stock her drawers. When we finally payed and came out of the shop I felt completely relaxed. It was already nearly Angel lunch time though, so I walked a little way to a Greggs and brought some food for lunch. Angel munched a whole sausage roll on the way home and then I pigged out on a chicken bake and a cheese and tomato pizza. T told me how proud he was of me, I think with how uninspired and lacking in enthusiasm and energy I was this morning, he hadn't expected me to go far let alone achieve so many difficult goals in one day. 


I then spent the afternoon trying to keep busy to avoid falling asleep after the lorazapam, I decided to sort Angels clothes out. Then I got into tidying her whole room up and putting things into the loft, cleaning the surfaces and then when I couldn't get the mop because it would have made too much noise and woke my sleeping Angel up I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the floor, wall to wall with baby wipes. Am i devoted to this child or what? 

I then went on to do the rest of the housework in the house, feeding animals, washing, washing-up, tidying, on and on. Then when Angel had her dinner I scoffed pancakes with golden syrup and a toast-it in a pitta bread then started stitching my knitted pink mouse together. Pictures either side 
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I've recorded some self hypnosis to work on before bed as I tend to find relaxation at bed time helps. I get so annoyed that they don't go the way I want them to. Just like reading books that I decided to create my own. Both hypnotism and books. 
Now I'm hoping to get a little writing done before I have to go to bed. I'm beginning to get very anxious about the dentist even though I know in my sane mind (if I have one) that there isn't anything to be scared of. *Sigh*
Tomorrow I'm unsure of a goal yet, I have Angel all day as T is in an important meeting. We could do with going to the library but I'm not sure if I'm up to that long a walk or whether we will have time. I'm sure we will work something out. 

2 days, 2 challenges, 2 successes

I'll start from Sunday (yesterday) and tell you what happened. 


The goal was to go over to my dad's to visit him. We got up later than we intended to and all got ready as quickly as we could. My dad then text me at a few minutes to ten to ask if we were still going over otherwise he was going to go out for a bike ride. Although I text back less than a few moments later, when we got to his house he wasn't there. I had suspected when I'd tried to ring him that he wasn't going to be in as his phone was off which he only does at night or if he is on his pushbike or running. I still swallowed my fear and got in the car for a twenty minute drive over there. It turned out to be not to bad a drive and Angel watched Peppa Pig on the portable DVD player in the back of the car and sipped her drink. I was a bit annoyed that he'd gone out when we'd planned to go over but T suggested we make the most of going out and pop over to my grand parents house where we haven't been in years. (Because of how anxious I've been I have been unable to go to peoples houses at all, going into peoples homes is a big challenge for me). 


I wasn't so sure we we got there and my anxiety mostly disappeared as I watched Angel running around her great-grandma's garden saying "wow!" and "oooooh!" at the flowers and plants. My grandparents were thrilled to see us and and were very very good with Angel and allowed her the freedom to look around happily, encouraged her exploration even which made me feel a lot more relaxed too. I had half a lorazapam but it was a difficult challenge for me and I am happy with the outcome. 


Today (Monday) T didn't have to go to work because he's on stand-down due to some incidents kicking off and potentially the need to work nights. I asked him where he wanted to go, if he wanted to go out at all and he came up the Dobbie's World, which is basically a huge shop with lots of smaller sections inside, selling food, lots of gardening things and plants and furniture, sweets and chocolate, garden ornaments, and best of all toys and animals. There is also a large cafe area too. 


It is half an hour or more away from home in the car and every single time we have been, whether I've been on lorazapam or not I have had to leave and have been very panicky throughout. 


Today we got ready and went out in the car. I took Angel into the shop while T put the DVD player away and grabbed Angel's bag. We looked at the flowers outside and I decided that if I did okay inside then I would treat Angel and myself to some plants for the garden. We went inside and I was a little anxious but I concentrated on little things like Angel sitting on the huge garden seats where she looked lost and trying out the seats myself, not to buy them but for the different feels and textures to them. We then moved onto wind chimes, Angel found a wind chime in her great-grandmas garden yesterday which she totally fell in love with. We stood for ages looking at all the ones they had there, all the different types and different sounds they made before choosing a beautiful black one with a blue glass painted heart and a dangly green glass painted butterfly. We then went to look at the toys and things and T and I found a little windmill for Angel (she loved the big ones that her great-granddad had yesterday in the garden so we got a little one for our garden. 


We then moved outside and looked at all the flowers and plants and I was still feeling a little anxious, but not anxious enough to need to twang my elastic bands. I kept sipping my drink and concentrated on the little things, the different colors of the flowers. Then we spotted some hens and Angel and I were completely fascinated. They were great clucking away. Angel had a little play in the park then we went back inside to the furthest point from the getting out door and from the toilets too. But I just forced the relaxation and enjoyed looking at the rabbits, chicks, guinea-pigs, various birds and gerbils and fish with Angel and T. From there we went to look around the food part then to the cafe. I was most nervous about the cafe and I would say that when T went off to get his food and I went off with Angel to pay for her food and get her started on it alone I got most anxious, but still, no self-harm to control the fear and no twanging the elastic bands. I then took Angel off on my own to get her nappy changed then returned and ate some chips and ham and even finished Angel's yogurt. 


The hardest part about lunch was that my tooth pain came on again as I ate. I went off on my own to grab a trolley and some flowers from outside, already pleased with how well I was doing and distracted myself from the pain until T and Angel were ready to go and help me find some sweet peas also for the garden. I want to make a little safe haven out there for me and Angel to play during the day and for me and T to relax in with the chiminea on at night. We then went to pay and drove home, I ate 3 large cookies on the way home, one of which is my new favorite thing, a rocky road cookie!! Mmmmm rocky road. 


In the past i have always been to afraid to eat too much chocolate because of watching my sister being ill after it so many times, as well as being very weird about anything other than neutral colors. But I even ate pizza the other day, with red tomato sauce, herbs and sweetcorn and I didn't really think much of it. The freedom to eat what I like a little more is amazing. I will never ever stop appreciating the small things I can now do that I never used to be able to. It's like my birthday everyday just being able to go outside with Angel, just to hold T's hand without feeling confined and panicky. To be able to sleep upstairs with T and not panic as much, to be able to talk to people in the street and walk away from the house without scratching my arms to bits and snapping loads of elastic bands in my desperate twanging. 


One more thing I'd like to add at the end of the journey and shopping story today.... how much lorazapam do you think I had? When I asked T on the way home he said he thought I was on half at least. 

I did all that on 0 lorazapam!!!

If I never get better than I am now, I am more than happy enough. I am beginning to be the mum I want to be, the wife I want to be and the person I want to be.

Up swing

Yesterday (Friday) my goal was to go shopping. The idea had been for T to sit in the cafe while I did the shopping with Angel then we meet up at the checkout to pay. However after a very bad night and a very slow start I decided I preferred the idea of being in charge of the shopping but T staying with us and having half a lorazapam. We walked around and although I got a little nervous towards the back of the shop, I stayed in control, pushing the trolley and gathering the shopping while entertaining Angel and talking to her. We then came home and had a house viewing which didn't cause any panic in me at all. It's strange to think that a year ago when the house went onto the market I was terrified of people viewing the house, I used to panic like mad when ever there was a viewing.

I'm not sure what made me do it but I invited my dad for dinner. Usually having someone round for food stresses me out a lot. But I asked him and he said yes. I decided to make my homemade pizza. Throughout the afternoon I worked on the dough and then when dad got here, a bit earlier than I expected I got it all ready and put it in to cook with some fries. It was lovely just talking to dad and I didn't feel even a little panicked. T served the food and we all sat down and ate, even Angel ate a fair amount for once. I ate well too, and surprised myself but I felt so relaxed.

I managed to finish the painting that I was working on last night and get a tiny bit of writing done. I wanted to post the picture on here. I find it uplifting and I think I might put it up on either the living room or the bedroom wall. I'd love to sell it but it's a little too close to my heart.

Today there wasn't a real goal except to go out without any lorazapam. We got up fairly late and I had a shower then got the bags ready. As well as having two pancakes for breakfast which is double how much I usually have and I usually panic about that.

We got in the car and without any messing around went out. We had a look round a shop then despite the time getting on and me usually worrying about Angel acting up because she's getting hungry, I felt relaxed and laid back and suggested we try a few more shops for what we were after. We drive across to the shops and we got out and looked around one, then i suggested T drive across to the other ones while I walk with Angel and look in a few other shops along the way. Considering that I used to hate being more than a few feet from the car and had to know where it was parked and have T with us at all times, I'm quite pleased with myself for being so relaxed and coping so well. After the shops and we manged to get what we wanted I started to get really hungry and surprised myself a lot by how much I ate for lunch and how many different colors I had and still didn't worry about it.

I think I may have hit my generally up phase seeing as for the first time last night, despite yet another bloody tooth breaking and needing dentist attention as well as the front one hurting like hell still, I felt that I'm scared of the dentist, I don't like it but I'm not totally terrified like its the end of the world. That is like everything else a hell of an improvement, but maybe it is just my up phase.

For now, I'm hoping to stay upbeat for as long as possible. It's nice having improved confidence just in the tiny every day things and it's something I will never take for granted like most people who have never experienced the type of thing I've dealt with on a hourly basis.

Mixed emotions

My goal for today was to go to a set of shops and look around while T worked.
We got up a little later than expected but we got going and I got the bags ready. The shops were mostly empty when we got there and started walking around. I let Angel walk rather than putting her in the pushchair and she enjoyed charging around the shops freely, although she was a little bit of a handful at times. We went in quite a few shops, everywhere we wanted to go and more, even with my being dizzy probably because I hadn't had a proper breakfast. I nibbled crisps and didn't really feel that panicky, even when I popped into a changing room in a shop very far away from the car. I had 0 lorazapam and apart from feeling annoyed and stressed at times I was fine. Angel and I got some lunch for T and for us and I ended up trying several different foods with her before reverting to a jar of baby food which she ate half of then had some dessert.

So why when this morning was such a success, do I feel so depressed and aggravated now? Why can I never be happy? I'm so much like her and her inability to appreciate the things that she has. So here with the depressing music again and the urge to hurt myself. Today, because I deserve it. I deserve being in pain with my teeth. I deserve to hurt, to be scarred and to be alone. I don't deserve what I have.

 presume this mood came about because of how tired I'm feeling and how much I feel like I need a break that I'm too afraid to ask for because i don't believe I deserve it. I will clean, everything and anything until I have done enough to deserve everything I have. I need to hurt.

1st times

Today's goal was to go to a supermarket and get some lacto free milk that we needed to hold us over until when we go shopping at the weekend. I had a choice of either walking one way to the shop inside the city centre, through the park or the other way which is further away but has toilets and another useful shop I needed to go in. Last night I'd planned to walk up there and get T to pick us up when he was on his way home from work. However he text me part way through me getting Angel and myself ready to go and said that he hours had changed and he wouldn't be able to pick us up. For some reason this didn't discourage me at all and I carried on getting ready, taking my time and just working through the things that needed doing. I got our bags ready and the pram and then we went out. I thought that we would get as far as we get and if I couldn't do it when it came to it then we would come home. I knew it was a huge huge challenge to set myself especially after my down phase hitting.

The goal I'd set myself was........ To catch the bus to a nearby shopping park then walk from there to the supermarket I needed, do the bit of food shopping then walk across to the next shop to get something I need (I'll go into that in a minute). Then walk back to the bus stop and get the bus, then walk from the stop back to the house then make lunch.

I walked to the bus stop and sat down, I talked with Angel and told her what we were going to try to do, I know she doesn't fully understand but talking to her helps me and she understands quite a lot. I felt my heart beat pick up as the bus approached and I took the money out of my pocket, concentrating on the feel of it in my fingers, breathing. I got on and sat down with Angel facing me, I took our drinks out and gave her hers and sat with mine in my lap for reassurance, kept sipping it and I began to feel a little anxious. However at that time a man got on and for some reason Angel burst out crying so I turned her round so she was facing the same way as me and held her hand (it was the first time ever she had been on a bus and she is actually scared of them when they go by). I held her hand and explained where we were and what we were doing and where we were going. She continued to cry so I put my safety net (my drink) away and bend down to cuddle her while she was still in her pram, she liked this and gripped me tight, running her fingers in my hair which she does for comfort and reassurance. We got off at the stop Id intended to get off at and I knelt down to make sure she was okay before we walked the mile up to the supermarket.

Once we got inside I didn't give myself time to think I let Angel out to run around and she insisted on carrying the basket for me, even when it got heavy with the milk. We went all over the shop without a inch of panic and we got a few things then paid and walked slowly across to the next shop. Here we went in and walked around, Angel was being a bit of a handful but I think I dealt with it okay especially as I was totally outside my comfort zone. We brought the things I needed then came out and I gave Angel some more snack and got her back into her pushchair then we walked back to the bus stop while I munched on crisps. We sat at the bus stop a while waiting for the bus and usually I would have talked myself into walking instead but I wanted to do this, to complete the journey, the morning out. It came and we got on and Angel was next to a little boy in a pram, this bus was a lot fuller than the first one but Angel was calmer and I was calm. We got to our stop and I debated about carrying on into town but decided against it, decided it was best because of the time to get home and make lunch.

I decided that while Angel had her afternoon nap I would do some self hypnosis which I've been practising, I was so warm and relaxed that I ended up falling asleep.

When Angel woke me up a while later I got ready and we went out in the car (going out in the afternoon is usually a huge NO NO for me but today I felt it would be okay and I was excited about what we were going to do.)

I had my first driving lesson after I gave up a few years ago, I finally feel I have the confidence and drive to do it and I asked T to start teaching me again. I had a nice 20 lesson, just relearning the basics without any panic holding me down like it used to in the past. I'm already looking forward to the next one.

The one downside to today was more tooth pain and discovering that another one of my teeth has a problem. I'm not sure what's causing it but it looks like the issues I'm having are more with my gums that my teeth. I've had issues with them receding on and off before but they seem to be worse this time. I bit the bullet and made an appointment, me myself, with my dentist although he can't see me until next Thursday morning I'm not as nervous about it right now as I should be.

It's time to take my wipe-out meds now so I'll stop rambling for the night. Tomorrow I am debating going to town, walking in with a friend maybe. It all depends on how the night goes and how I am mentally tomorrow which could be anything. 

A last thought to add here. When T went away at the weekend he said that I can have my own little holiday like a writers retreat in a hotel soon. Part of me is looking forward to it and part of me is terrified because I've never slept away from Angel before. But an even bigger part of me doubts it will even end up happening, knowing the way we are. And I will be too scared to push for it. 

Pain and walking

Today's small goal was to walk to the post box, large goal or extended goal was to walk to the Sainsburys  just on the edge of town to get a few things that we need to hold us over for the week. 
I got Angel in her large pram with our bags ready and we went out. The walk to the post box was fine, we then went through the little park out onto the main road and from there down to the big park. It was quite busy crossing over to go into there and I worried a little about it but mostly just tried to stay in the present, thinking to myself that in this moment I feel okay and the amount of people around me don't have any effect on how I feel inside. It worked and I got through the park out the other side to the short walk down to the shop I needed. However I froze once I got out of the park and I was convinced I didn't feel very well and that I would feel worse if I went any further. I knew it was anxiety but I didn't feel I could push it any further that way. 
I turned us around and started walking back through the park. We then we up along the main road then into the little park and through a different way out into the road then down another and another for a longer walk home. Angel got bored in the end but I could had walked for hours. I let her out of the pram on the last street and she walked holding onto it for the rest of the way home. 


My tooth has hurt on and off throughout the day. Painkillers work a little bit but even when I'm on them the pain comes and goes. I'm trying to to tie myself in knots about it. I'm trying to enjoy every moment. Trying is all I can do I guess, especially as I have entered into my depressive phase. The meds are having some effect though, I have managed not to cut and I'm not constantly crying. 


T hasn't had a good day today, he has been feeling episodic and depressed. I think he may have even experienced a sort of low level panic attack at least once too. He came home to me at lunch time shaking and upset and I sat with him just holding him for hours to try to make him feel better. I also gave him some aconite and a whole chocolate egg. He isn't as bad now so i must have done something right. 


Now I'm going to indulge in a mocha dessert and hope to do some writing to keep my mind busy from worrying about my teeth, especially as I have a bigger goal in mind for tomorrow if tonight and the morning goes to plan. 

Rocking

I've spent the last half an hour, sitting in the shower rocking and crying. My tooth hurts again, and over today it's gotten steadily worse despite painkillers. Anything vaguely warm or cool sets it off worse and Angel has knocked it at least once.

I'm so completely terrified of needing to go back to the dentist. When I actually ask myself what I'm afraid of I can't answer myself. But I guess that is a phobia, something that is un-explainable and senseless. What do I think will happen? That my panic will make me sick? That there will be pain? That I won't be able to escape? I know my dentist is a good man, he is caring and gentle with me and he explains it all and understands my predicament. So why am I afraid? And I'm back to the beginning without an answer.

Why would I rather kill myself than go back? Why do i want to cut until I am physically unable to go back until I've recovered then do it all again? Why do I want to sit in the corner of a dark room and rock and cry until I can't cry any more and my eyes burn but the tears are all dried up?

Right now I can't cope with this. I want to take my meds early so I fall asleep and can't panic or become more depressed. I hope tomorrow brings something better for me and all my shitty OCD bad luck gets lost.

From stressed to not coping so well.

I'll start where I left off.
Friday Angel woke up quite late and we made dinner and had a slow evening just playing and reading books before she went to bed. I then intended to get a load of writing done but I ended up having a major tidy up of the bedroom and a sort out of some of my clothes. Then I spoke to T on the phone then I finally did a little bit of scrappy writing, nothing impressive or long and to be honest I'm not entirely sure when the night went.


Saturday (yesterday) morning Angel woke me up before 7am and I got her up and fed, dressed and ready for the day before 9 so just before 9 we went out for a walk to the post box. I decided to take her on foot because I didn't intend to go far and I'd underestimated how poorly she was feeling still. We went up to the post box past a busy crowd of people at the mosque, gathering for a wedding (i didn't panic about passing so many people at all). Then from the post box we went through the little park and out onto the main road. Then down past the medical center to the big park where all the ducks and geese and swans are. We went into the park and walked around looking at the birds then Angel said she wanted to go on the swings so we went into the empty play area and she had a little play on different things but she was already so tired from the walking that she didn't seem so interested. We walked back out of the play area and by that time Angel decided she'd had enough and wanted me to carry her. We walked back past the medical center, through the car park and back home. I was pretty amazed that I'd done it all without any lorazapam at all.


When we got home we played 'shopping', we set out her play food and then she put what she wanted into the trolley with her baby then we packed that into bags then from there she packed it all into her car. I got some lovely pictures and we had a lovely time.


Unfortunately it all started to go downhill from there. My dad text and asked if he could come round in an hour to bring Easter eggs, that was fine and then me and Angel went round to the shop while we waited. She slipped over on the floor in the shop and smacked her head off the shelf, I comforted her and she was okay again. But her balance seemed totally out and she just kept falling and tripping for the rest of the hour. I then made her lunch of ravioli which she usually loves but she didn't seem interested in eating and just kept saying "No." So I gave up and made her some cheese on toast which she never refuses, just to get something into her. She started eating a little then my dad turned up and she just started crying, and almost making herself ill, getting upset. So i took her out of her highchair and she curled up on my lap, and kept climbing up me and hiding and crying and over heating. I felt so pissed that she was behaving that way when my dad was there and although I feel like I dealt with it okay, I felt like I was being judged. She got worse and I ended up stripping her down and dosing her up with painkillers until she was on the maximum dose and was still crying and rolling around in my lap and she was all limp and just didn't seem to be able to hold herself up. I didn't panic but I did wonder whether I was going to have to call the hospital or something. It was hard work, both mentally and physically draining. My dad went and after standing outside waving bye to him Angel finally cooled down and we went back inside where she calmed down and although was still moaning and crying wasn't as bad. She had her nap and then perked up a bit in the evening although she still refused to eat very much for dinner and I was at a loss as to what to give her after trying all her usual favorite foods. Oh yes and realizing that I'd been stupid earlier in the day and left the freezer open so a lot of it had defrosted.


She got in such a state with her dinner that I ended up giving her another bath with lots of soothing lavender and she enjoyed that and then it was time for bed. I took her up then had a talk with T over the phone before his mum's surprise party then I finished the housework and had a shower. It was relaxing and although I had to keep an ear out for Angel as she was still awake and rolling around in her bed singing and talking to herself, it helped me out I think. I then got into some writing for a while.


Before I went to sleep T and I had a text conversation about what time he was coming home and it was agreed that he would be home for lunch time which would mean he could bring some fries home for Angel which she would definitely eat. I was feeling more relaxed because I knew it would make it so much easier on me.


I was woken up at 5 but thankfully Angel went back to sleep, so I got a bit more rest too. Then we got up and made some breakfast which Angel messed about and didn't eat much of so I was looking forward to some help at lunch time.


Unfortunately T text me at 11 which was a few hours after he was supposed to be leaving to get home in time and said that he was about ready to leave. Apparently he doesn't remember the text conversation we had last night and he is only just on his way back now after I told him he could stay another night if he wanted to because I was so peed off with him for messing me around and saying he would be back at a time and he wasn't again. (its one of those things that he does very often and it makes me feel so low and insignificant).


So I had to sort Angels lunch out, I made a fish pie which she refused to eat then i tried her with chips but she wouldn't have those either then she just moaned and cried and played up for me until I put her in her cot for her sleep. She isn't even sleeping, just rolling about making noises, but at least I have a little peace I guess even if she really does need the rest to get better.


I'm feeling so angry at T and so upset wit Angel even though it isn't her fault she isn't feeling very well and my mood isn't her fault, its my usual down swing coming on combined with T's stupidness.


I really really just want to hurt myself, I can't think of anything else I'd prefer to do right now. I've been fighting the craving since last night and although something I read helped the urge a bit I just want to hurt.
I ended up having to use butterfly stitches on the last cut I made and I can't get out my mind how nice it felt. My amount of self harming has increased and the severity of the harm also has too.