1st times

Today's goal was to go to a supermarket and get some lacto free milk that we needed to hold us over until when we go shopping at the weekend. I had a choice of either walking one way to the shop inside the city centre, through the park or the other way which is further away but has toilets and another useful shop I needed to go in. Last night I'd planned to walk up there and get T to pick us up when he was on his way home from work. However he text me part way through me getting Angel and myself ready to go and said that he hours had changed and he wouldn't be able to pick us up. For some reason this didn't discourage me at all and I carried on getting ready, taking my time and just working through the things that needed doing. I got our bags ready and the pram and then we went out. I thought that we would get as far as we get and if I couldn't do it when it came to it then we would come home. I knew it was a huge huge challenge to set myself especially after my down phase hitting.

The goal I'd set myself was........ To catch the bus to a nearby shopping park then walk from there to the supermarket I needed, do the bit of food shopping then walk across to the next shop to get something I need (I'll go into that in a minute). Then walk back to the bus stop and get the bus, then walk from the stop back to the house then make lunch.

I walked to the bus stop and sat down, I talked with Angel and told her what we were going to try to do, I know she doesn't fully understand but talking to her helps me and she understands quite a lot. I felt my heart beat pick up as the bus approached and I took the money out of my pocket, concentrating on the feel of it in my fingers, breathing. I got on and sat down with Angel facing me, I took our drinks out and gave her hers and sat with mine in my lap for reassurance, kept sipping it and I began to feel a little anxious. However at that time a man got on and for some reason Angel burst out crying so I turned her round so she was facing the same way as me and held her hand (it was the first time ever she had been on a bus and she is actually scared of them when they go by). I held her hand and explained where we were and what we were doing and where we were going. She continued to cry so I put my safety net (my drink) away and bend down to cuddle her while she was still in her pram, she liked this and gripped me tight, running her fingers in my hair which she does for comfort and reassurance. We got off at the stop Id intended to get off at and I knelt down to make sure she was okay before we walked the mile up to the supermarket.

Once we got inside I didn't give myself time to think I let Angel out to run around and she insisted on carrying the basket for me, even when it got heavy with the milk. We went all over the shop without a inch of panic and we got a few things then paid and walked slowly across to the next shop. Here we went in and walked around, Angel was being a bit of a handful but I think I dealt with it okay especially as I was totally outside my comfort zone. We brought the things I needed then came out and I gave Angel some more snack and got her back into her pushchair then we walked back to the bus stop while I munched on crisps. We sat at the bus stop a while waiting for the bus and usually I would have talked myself into walking instead but I wanted to do this, to complete the journey, the morning out. It came and we got on and Angel was next to a little boy in a pram, this bus was a lot fuller than the first one but Angel was calmer and I was calm. We got to our stop and I debated about carrying on into town but decided against it, decided it was best because of the time to get home and make lunch.

I decided that while Angel had her afternoon nap I would do some self hypnosis which I've been practising, I was so warm and relaxed that I ended up falling asleep.

When Angel woke me up a while later I got ready and we went out in the car (going out in the afternoon is usually a huge NO NO for me but today I felt it would be okay and I was excited about what we were going to do.)

I had my first driving lesson after I gave up a few years ago, I finally feel I have the confidence and drive to do it and I asked T to start teaching me again. I had a nice 20 lesson, just relearning the basics without any panic holding me down like it used to in the past. I'm already looking forward to the next one.

The one downside to today was more tooth pain and discovering that another one of my teeth has a problem. I'm not sure what's causing it but it looks like the issues I'm having are more with my gums that my teeth. I've had issues with them receding on and off before but they seem to be worse this time. I bit the bullet and made an appointment, me myself, with my dentist although he can't see me until next Thursday morning I'm not as nervous about it right now as I should be.

It's time to take my wipe-out meds now so I'll stop rambling for the night. Tomorrow I am debating going to town, walking in with a friend maybe. It all depends on how the night goes and how I am mentally tomorrow which could be anything. 

A last thought to add here. When T went away at the weekend he said that I can have my own little holiday like a writers retreat in a hotel soon. Part of me is looking forward to it and part of me is terrified because I've never slept away from Angel before. But an even bigger part of me doubts it will even end up happening, knowing the way we are. And I will be too scared to push for it.