Today was a bit of a tough day and I think I have generally gone down hill a little. I am trying to keep in my mind that back in February I couldn't even take Angel much past the end of the road. Yes it was a miracle that I was managing that much but it was a constant struggle. Today my goal was to either pop into the edge of town or to the shops a fair walk away to get some fish food for our fish as we only have a little left. T was working from home and suggested we walk into town together but I knew if we did that I would need lorazapam to do it and I might not be able to let him leave me there to go to work. So I never bothered with the lorazapam, I literally had half a tablet ready to take and said NO. Today I will do something, anything without it.
I got myself ready and I got Angel in the stroller and we went out to the post box, the long way round for an extra bit of challenge. Then I took her through the little park then out onto the main road towards town. I was intending to go through the big park to town but when I got into the big park I just didn't feel like I could go any further. We walked around the park a bit and looked at some chicks and some ducks, geese, and swans while Angel munched her snack and told me all about them. Then I was intending to go to the smaller set of shops which would be a lot quieter but by that time I'd gotten myself worked up a bit so we walked back home. I consoled myself with the thought that, yes I didn't meet my goal, but I did go a hell of a lot further than just the end of the road or even the church on no lorazapam at all. So Yes I may have taken a step back, but I'm still a step up at least from where I was.
T and I have been talking about the whole Norfolk funeral thing and I asked a friends advice as well. We all came to the same conclusion, that if it was at a push and it was more important then I could make myself do it. But I'm not quite ready for it right now, not all of the hurdles that it involves. Right now I feel a lot like I'm letting my family down, that I'm letting myself down. I want to be that mother that is strong and unbreakable, I want to be that supportive wife who stands at her husbands side no matter where he's standing or why. I want to be that person who has the freedom to decide what to do for myself without being dictated to. But right now I'm not ready to be that person, I'm building up to it. But i'm not there yet. One thing that made me realize that it might not be best to go was when we were talking about it I didn't realize I'd been digging my nails into my palm hard to cope with the thoughts and fears. Then another thought. I WOULD take a blade with me of some kind. And I WOULD use it to cope. Just being in that bathroom to pee and have a shower would have me clutching at it for safety and how can I support a child and husband if I'm bleeding and wrecked?
I want to thank the people that have supported me and who will continue to support me through this tough time over this week and the weekend. I appreciate your help and your support.
The hardest past now is accepting it and getting through the first few hours after they have left and crying until I can't anymore. It's going to hurt like hell, even more than it did at the hotel. But whats the other choice? And will it hurt my performance as a mum, wife and a person more? Will it undo my good work, the potential is high which is why T suggests that I stay here. It already hurts. But one thing I do have which I've never had before is a friend that will be here in case I need anything.
The other thing I have to make sure I do, is keep going out while I'm here alone, not using Angel not being here as an excuse not to keep at it.
I'm going to leave it there, right now I feel to guilty and upset to say anything much more coherent. Plus my keyboard is getting wet, which isn't so good for it.
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