A Rainy Day

This is a catch up blog; I haven't had a chance to sit down and write one since Monday when I was having issues with my sister dragging up crap with my mum. We argued from Monday afternoon until last night. She kept bringing it back round to mum and how I am wrong and should apologize and stop putting her in the middle of things. I was actually quite impressed with how well I let it wash over me and how well I stood up for myself and my family and told the truth, without any glamorous painting over things to make them easier for her to take. I was told such things as that I am making things up from our childhood, that I'm making it sounds a hell of a lot worse than it was etc etc. I must admit that it did shake my belief in what I remember and I keep thinking she's right, i did make it up. But at the same time reminding myself that she is still under the influence of mum and can't see what I can see because she's still being conditioned by her.
Fortunately the more my sister pushed for me to make contact with mum the more reluctant I was until she reminded me of mum so much I decided how much better off we are without mum in our lives. She's twisted my sister right up so that a lot of the time she sounds like her and even acts like her. I'm not sure if there is a way out for her, she isn't as strong willed and strong minded as I am, I just hope she does manage to get out from under mum's thumb. She's coming up on the age that I moved out and realized stuff was wrong, somehow I think my sister is too lazy and immature to move home any time soon.

Goal wise, yesterday the goal was to just walk to the post box. I ended up getting up late because of taking my meds late the night before so I was really slow starting. I did it okay, nothing big or special, I wasn't feeling up to going further and Angel still isn't very well. The rest of the day went by quickly, with my writing during Angel's nap time and then doing T's mum's scrap-booking in the evening. I felt a little more anxious than usual in the evening yesterday, not entirely sure why, there was nothing that caused it that i was aware of but I felt panicky just the same although I dealt with it a lot quicker than usual with help from a friend distracting me.

Today my goal was to go to a shopping park just past the town center to do a few things. However a very late night last night and then rotten rainy, snowy weather today put a stop to that. So Angel and I stayed in and did some baking ginger bread cookies and playing in the house. The only challenge I had to to go to the shop for a few moments. At about lunch time Angel started to get very quiet and upset easily and she was totally off her food so T took her back to the doctors tonight. She has a sore throat now. She's been difficult and the cat is still unwell so she is back on meds. I for some reason am still a nervous wreck, clenching my teeth because I'm worrying about them then making them ache so I end up worrying more. I haven't had any lorazapam since Saturday so maybe that has something to do with it. If the weather allows tomorrow and Angel isn't too ill then I might push myself some more. I worry that by not pushing the boundaries I will find it harder when I try to again. Really am hoping for good weather and Angel feeling better or at least feeling up to being pushed around in her pram, I need some time out to prove to myself after all the sister talk belittling me and bringing me down that I can do this. That I am doing it.

The weight of the weekend is still on my shoulders, I'm not pushing T away at the moment, I think I've as good as accepted it even though I'm so worried that either the cat or the child will take a turn for the worst when it is only me and I won't be able to get them medical help because of my fear. I've already killed one kitten that way, I don't want that pain again. (To tell the story here so you don't think I'm a murderer. Me and T used to foster cats and kittens for a charity and one summer we had two mothers with a litter of kittens each. Unfortunately they all got ill, we were back and forth to the vets constantly with them the poor things, administering meds, feeding them by hand half hourly and keeping them alive with our body heat. They had to be hand-reared totally due to the illness being passed from cat to kittens through milk presumably. The mothers were both carriers but they didn't get so ill themselves after the initial bug. It was hard work and one day one of the kittens was so ill she could barely walk. T was at work and the only way i could get her to the vets was to go by taxi. I was so afraid I didn't take her and waited for T, I stayed with her and saw her collapse. By the time we got her to the vets she couldn't/wouldn't stand at all and her sister had collapsed too. We got them in there and they rushed them into the vets room and onto oxygen. We had to leave them there and come home. To find another one needing the vets. We got a call later that day to say Theo had died despite their best efforts. I cried endlessly for hours knowing it was my fault, her death was because i was too weak to face my fears and get her the help she needed. Her sister survived and all the other kittens, We even kept one. But that death will always be on my hands, the poor kitten.)

I didn't think when I started writing this blog tonight that I would be going into that. I keep 're-living the past' as my sister kept saying last night, 'you've got to let it go'. If only it was that simple.

So yeah, back to the earlier topic, I'm scared of the weekend. I secretly hope T's knees will get worse or something, I don't want him in pain but I don't want all that responsibility either. Especially as the cat that ill is  the kitten that died's little sister that we kept.

I'd better go now, get some of the scrap book done.

Thanks for reading my blithering on and I'm hoping to get an entry on how my mum was with me as a child just to patch up the past I'm leaving out, to make it easier for understanding and I find that despite what my sister says, reliving the past does help me.