I told T to go out without us and that I would work something out, even if it's just going to the post box. As soon as he was gone I popped into mummy mode and my mummy instincts seemed to take over. I got Angel to help me feed the animals then we got our teeth brushed and she wanted to wash her face like mummy does. Then she played with her toys while I got our bags ready and loaded onto the stroller. At this point in time the goal was only to go to the post box and just see how I feel. I have to admit I had more ideas about things to do so I took another quarter lorazapam to give me the best advantage. I drank my fear and stepped outside, talking to Angel to distract my mind.
The walk to the post box wasn't too bad and Angel told me "That way." pointing towards the little park so I went that way. I felt relaxed enough and when we got half way through there I remembered that I need to pick my prescription up for my mood meds as I only have a one tablet left. I decided that was my 2nd goal of the day and crossed over the busy road, heading up to the doctors. I haven't stepped foot in the doctors for about a year and just going there today was a huge challenge. I felt my heart pumping really fast and could hear my heartbeat in my ears, THUMP THUMP thump thump thuMP THUMP THUMP thump thump thuMP THUMP THUMP thump....................................... It's always a little scary hearing my heartbeat speeding up and bouncing out of my chest then slowing right down and stopping for a moment then getting going again like a car up a hill then gaining in speed then dropping again. My heartbeat doesn't really have a pattern, that above is my best guess. Anyway I told myself I am okay, I'm only here to pick up my prescription then I can go again. I calmed down asked for the script then left. I felt calmer going down to the chemist and I went in and signed the paper and showed my card then we stood waiting for the tablets. However they had to order them in so we were told to come back later.
From there I decided to go a bit further and crossed the road to the big park with all the swans and geese and ducks and pigeons. Angel enjoyed quacking and honking at them all which was lovely. Then I pushed further, spurred on by goodness knows what. Maybe the fact I knew Angel was getting low on clothes. Maybe because I know T would be about at home to pick us up if I got more panicky. I also couldn't help but think about how it's still the school holidays which means I could bump into my mum in anywhere, and town is a place she and my sister go a lot. I kept scanning the crowds for her, and tensing up if I saw someone that looked like her.
But I went further, Pushing all my fears and all my boundaries. When I got past the first shop in the city center I saw a friend and her family up ahead and I couldn't help but smile. I t felt so wonderful to see her and she gave me a huge hug that felt wonderful. She's so much of an inspiration and she is always so encouraging and positive towards me. Sometimes how nice people are to me confuse me because I'm not used to being encouraged or told someone is proud of me. I'm not used to positive reinforcement or belief in me. But I am grateful to all those that give it to me, all three of you ;)
So yes, back to the story. After she went (and her family are all so polite and lovely) I carried on, spurred on by her positiveness. I got up to the shop I intended to go into and went inside the doors. I was feeling quite anxious and it was quite warm inside which never helps me. I somehow willed myself into the lift to take me up to the 2nd floor where all the Angel sized clothes are.
I used my elastic bands a little and dug my nails into my arm a little, but no where near enough to mark. I felt very anxious but I didn't have an actual panic attack. I got into the looking for clothes, Angel helped me carry things and I got her some new things to stock her drawers. When we finally payed and came out of the shop I felt completely relaxed. It was already nearly Angel lunch time though, so I walked a little way to a Greggs and brought some food for lunch. Angel munched a whole sausage roll on the way home and then I pigged out on a chicken bake and a cheese and tomato pizza. T told me how proud he was of me, I think with how uninspired and lacking in enthusiasm and energy I was this morning, he hadn't expected me to go far let alone achieve so many difficult goals in one day.
I then spent the afternoon trying to keep busy to avoid falling asleep after the lorazapam, I decided to sort Angels clothes out. Then I got into tidying her whole room up and putting things into the loft, cleaning the surfaces and then when I couldn't get the mop because it would have made too much noise and woke my sleeping Angel up I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the floor, wall to wall with baby wipes. Am i devoted to this child or what?
I then went on to do the rest of the housework in the house, feeding animals, washing, washing-up, tidying, on and on. Then when Angel had her dinner I scoffed pancakes with golden syrup and a toast-it in a pitta bread then started stitching my knitted pink mouse together. Pictures either side
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I've recorded some self hypnosis to work on before bed as I tend to find relaxation at bed time helps. I get so annoyed that they don't go the way I want them to. Just like reading books that I decided to create my own. Both hypnotism and books.
Now I'm hoping to get a little writing done before I have to go to bed. I'm beginning to get very anxious about the dentist even though I know in my sane mind (if I have one) that there isn't anything to be scared of. *Sigh*
Tomorrow I'm unsure of a goal yet, I have Angel all day as T is in an important meeting. We could do with going to the library but I'm not sure if I'm up to that long a walk or whether we will have time. I'm sure we will work something out.
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