Here I go again, not knowing what to write but needing to get things out. Apologies for scattered thoughts and sentances, my tablets have also kicked in and are making me very tired, but I need to talk this out.
This evening my sister is staying over, it was a last minute thing that we decided because she's been feeling very depressed and needs some cheering up. I wasn't so nervous when she first got here, but couldn't eat very much. Once Angel was in bed I made the mistake of having a bit of a play with a hoola hoop I found earlier (finding it much much harder then I remember it being!) Then a skipping rope. I made the huge mistake that I haven't made since I was in school aged 12. I pushed myself too hard and ended up having a major panic attack, I got to the point I almost had to run to the bathroom, I could taste the taste in my mouth and I know if I hadn't been emetophobic and resistant then I would have been ill. My tummy still doesn't feel right and to top it off it's starting hurting a lot. I'm also getting chest pains, probably thanks to my irregular heart, which sometimes doesn't like me exercising too much. My lungs are still unhappy and I just feel stupid, for thinking I was having fun when I was fucking myself up so much.
P wants to go out tomorrow, swimming. But at the moment even getting out of the door is a challenge again.
I just realized sitting here writing that I meant to go out today, at least to the shop, but I haven't been out at all. I'm slipping and I'm slipping fast. My taste of freedom feels like it's coming to an end and I'm not even fighting it. I dropped from maybe as many as three lorazapam tablets a week (at most) down to not even half a week and it's hit me hard, that I can't do this without. I don't have the drive or the strength or courage. My sister called me brave tonight, which surprised me, because that is the last thing I would call myself.
Yes, I have dropped the lorazapam right down to barely anything, but I have also stopped going out again. I feel like I can't. After my attempt yesterday which made me panic a lot and feel very ill and now this today. I don't know, it could happen at any time, I'm never safe. It feels like I'm being chased down. Something will ill me because I'm not supposed to be here.
Tonight I found out that my nannies partner has cancer and it's inoperable. I have never been very close to him, but of course I care. Even though my mind whispers that I'm a sociopath, I'm sure I do care, because I do and not because I know I should. It gets so confusing. Who knows what is real and isn't. If, no when he dies, there will be the funeral. That means being there for my nanny, but having to be near my mum. Yes I am selfish enough to be thinking of myself. I hate the person who I am, the more I realize about myself the more I hate. My uncle (nannies son) is also in and out of hospital with his pancreas. He is a long story, so to cut it short, he is an alcoholic who turned to drink because of all his mental problems, he's had them all his life like me. His dad, my granddad, also had them, he committed suicide before I was born and then my other uncle S followed in his footsteps exactly when I was about 9. I remember not being aloud to go to his funeral. I remember the day we learned he'd taken his own life and remember how although I was upset because he had been close, I was pleased he no longer hurt, because even at 9 I knew hurt when it is on the inside and you can't run away from it, it is you, you are the fear. R my uncle who is unwell, has been trying to kill himself since S died. It shook him to the core and he wanted to join him, no wants to join him. R and I suffer very similar things and he has never shook them which makes me feel I won't. He has tried so many methods of dying and doesn't seem to succeed through one reason or another. He has found the final escape route by slowly and steadily killing himself with drink, and it's working.
I can't think straight, there are drunks outside the house, and I'm terrified of hearing them be ill, terrified I'll go outside in the morning and find it. Terrified of the germs all around me, the feeling of things inside me, getting me.
My urges have come back and laying here tonight, not wanting to sleep, or eat to kill the rumbly feeling in my tummy, I just want to give in. The song 'sleep well, my Angel' comes back to mind and my mood slips lower.
T has told me to take some lorazapam tomorrow so I can at least try to do something, but I'm terrified, I just want the lorazapam to take it all away and leave me free again. Tonight is a night for giving up.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Old music
Yesterday morning I wasn't feeling too confident, the weather was hot again and I wasn't at all keen on going out. I talked myself into at least walking up to the post box to post some letters and I took bread with me, in case I was feeling confident and okay enough to walk across to the big park to feed the ducks with Angel. I was quite anxious but it was a different sort of anxiety, where I actually felt like I felt ill rather than panicked. Angel told me once we managed to get to the post box that she wanted to go into the park, she actually asked for the "park pease mummy, pease." How could I say no. I went that way with her and we walked around the grass together and she went about picking loads and loads of daisies for her daddy and putting them in the stroller. After a while I felt calm enough to walk back home, it was very sweet, we walked back holding hands while I struggled to keep the stroller going in a straight line, but it was one of the sweet memories that just felt so nice.
Back at home Angel went about making my day very hard and stressful because her daddy was at home working for the first time in ages and that queued her playing up as she seems to do when it's both of us around. I'm not sure if she only does it because of T ad she would behave that way regardless of me being around or not, or whether it is because we were both here. She calmed down after her nap thankfully though and during her nap, apart from getting two of my chapters edited, T and I sat together and went looking again for a holiday to go on as he has got over 4 weeks of holiday leave to take before the end of September.
When we'd looked the other day we hadn't found very much and I'd been very very very disappointed. However, yesterday we looked and I managed to find something in Norfolk, right on the coast for a very good price and even better we have a two story apartment to ourselves, so OCD and phobia are covered off in terms of accommodation as well as how well it will work for Angel and her sleeping patterns.
Needless to say, when we booked it and T booked the time off work and everything was confirmed that it's going ahead, mine and T's first holiday in over 2years and Angels first ever holiday, so our first ever holiday as a family, I bounced around the room loads and squealed and jumped and bounced and danced and jiggled. I love love love love holidays. There is a certain freedom I feel on holiday that I can't achieve at home. It's like a fresh start every time, no OCD patterns,no memories of bad things in the place we'e staying and if anything does go wrong the people I see there, I will probably never see again. I tend to feel more confident with how I dress and how daring I am. It's also the setting for a few of my books so I am looking forward to reading them while I'm sitting in the exact place they're set at.
........But at the same time, I'm terrified of them. Where to start with my explanation? Well... every single holiday we had as a family, at least one person was sick. I have a track record of getting a virus because panicking about it for so long before hand wears me down. But I meant vomiting. Every time we went on holiday as a family; me, my sister, mum and dad, me or P or both would get sick. We had all the odds against us really, with us both suffering very badly from travel sickness and P having a valve wrong in her stomach which meant the over eating and indulgent food would make her sick and our parents didn't bother to stop her eating as much when we were on holiday. With me still being bad at travelling I'm thinking of e-mailing the doctor to get some diazapam and some extra travel sickness tablets to dose up for the four hours travelling part. I'm terrified of that part, but at least I know Angel should be okay, especially with her DVD player set to play Peppa Pig in the back of the car.
The other thing I remember was mum always going in a mood and ruining things for at least a day that we were there. I hope I won't follow in her footsteps.
At the moment I'm flitting between being so excited I can't sleep even with my meds working! And terrified and worried. I prefer the excitement.
Today I woke up feeling very very dizzy and ended up stuck on the sofa for most of the morning so far, which is annoying because I have cards to pop around to a K's house. I'm hoping that I'm going to feel better as the day goes on but it doesn't bode well. At least I'm alone so Angel is behaving for me.
The very last thing then, is old music. In our excitement last night T and I found out a load of our old music and started playing songs we hadn't heard in a long long time. I realized that a few of my compilation CD's with songs from 6 years ago are dying so I'm in the process of listening to them, identifying the song and the artists and looking them up to get them again.
I'd better go, poor Angel has been good so far but she is getting bored so I will go and try to focus on playing with her and not falling over. Hopefully we can play a quiet game on the floor.
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Fighting a losing battle.
Today I'd planned to walk to a shopping place on my own with Angel. I knew already last night that I wouldn't. That id be too scared to actually go walking somewhere alone. In case I felt faint and dizzy or passed out. I knew T was at home though so maybe I should have tried and he would have picked me up if I got too bad.
The temptation with him working from home though is always that he can help me out. Knowing that id be asking him to take us in the car to the shopping place I didn't take any lorazapam. I had some aconite and some breakfast and got Angel ready. The original plan had been for T to sit in the food place they have there and use their free wifi but it was closed so he ended up sitting in the car right outside the shops I wanted to go in, which of course was better, no easier for me. I went into one shop and looked around then decided to walk a distance to one I hadn't planned to go in. I felt a bit anxious but did it then went into a shoe shop to look for sandals for Angel. We decided on some pretty silver ones and some pink glittery jellies just like I'd had when I was little. Angel then spotted sone pretty sparkly silver shoes. She said they were pretty and they were in ny size and reduced so I tried them on and fell on love with them, wore them all day since. T went into work this afternoon and Angel and I had a quiet afternoon with her actually napping and me managing to get some work done.
At the moment I'm lying in bed trying to dedice what to do tomorrow. Too scared to make any real commitments and not believing I will end up doing anything much. It's supposed to rain tomorrow but I'm not sure that will help my predicament unless it really cools the air. I need to beat this fear down and get back on the horse but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Monday, 28 May 2012
Yet another hot day
As you may have guessed from the title, today was another roasting day. As soon as I got up this morning, I knew it would be a scorcher, my head was very dizzy and I skipped breakfast to sort out the stuff I sold on Ebay. By the time I got round to breakfast it was late and I was feeling crappy and snappy. T went out and I asked him to take the ebay stuff and send it for me. I decided that I was going to stay in, even a trip to the post box didn't appeal. But at least I felt less depressed than last night.
Angel and I had some food then we sat outside and I set up her little table with an umbrella and chairs and we did some colouring and then sticking and she amazed me with her ability to tell difference between big and small and as well as her colours she now understands light and dark variations. The only little problem there is that I'm ever so slightly colour blind, but Angel now tells me the colours so I don't get confused.
After a nice time sitting outside and the later time of T leaving I was surprised to see that it was nearly lunch time. So I decided to try something new for lunch that Angel hadn't had before. While I made the lunch Angel surprised me yet again and made m proud by picking up a cup and showing me she could drink out of it properly, without spilling any- until she got so excited and proud of herself that she jumped up and down and threw it over herself and the floor but unlike my mother, I wasn't bothered, just giggled and knew it would dry, it was only water.
I then served buttered bread with chicken soup and took a gamble with giving Angel her own little bowl. She was amazing, although she hadn't had soup before she knew what she was doing and dipped her bread and ate it all, had to refill the bowl three times. I think she ate as much as if not more than I did. So she was aloud strawberries for dessert and a few sweeties.
During her nap I got a good amount of work done and a few people picked up some ebay items. Then this evening after Angel's 'nap' we sat outside at her table again and she played playdoh and colouring with her friend. I found I ended up looking after both children sometimes though and my blood sugar dropped so I was feeling pretty rough. Angel eventually ended up falling over and we came in and had some much needed dinner.
Tomorrow, I'm thinking of doing something better, much better than today anyway. I'm really really hoping for a lot cooler weather and hopefully some cloud cover so that I can get out to go into town or a shopping park to get Angel some sandals and just generally have a look round, out and about.
I have gotten the bags ready, I have the pushchair and the pram in the house, I have my clothes ready, a choice of two different outfits and I have some outfits for Angel. I will do some hypnotherapy after my sit-ups. Now fingers crossed for the weather.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Today
Today started so well, I woke up to look at my phone and realized that I'd sold all the things listed on e-bay last Saturday night and earned over £100.
T was in a bit of a bad mood thought and Angel had had him up early and me being lazy on my meds hadn't even heard them get up. I ffing hate that. I hate being made to be lazy. I want to come off these meds.
We had intended to go out to a park today but it as usual didn't turn out that way. Angel was in a grotty mood which we thought would pass when we went out as is usually does, so we got ready and drove up the road to a shop to get a few things. I was a little nervous but just dealt with it. I felt very odd when I got back into the car though bu realized that my blood sugar had dropped low enough to make me feel ill so I had some crisps (carbohydrate and salt) and some sweets for the sugar to spike me back up while the carbohydrate was kicking in. T was going to drop me off home before we went to a another big store to look for some shoes for himself but although I was still dizzy I decided I knew I wasn't ill ill, or anxious so I said to carry on past the house and out of town the other way. When we got there, I was a little worried about going into such a huge place but I wanted to show myself that I could do it. Last time i went there I ended up waiting outside for the whole time and that was on lorazapam, this time I was on nothing and wanted to see how far I've come. I got out still feeling a little wobbly and went in, inside it was cool thankfully. The shoes were all upstairs and I was very very unsure about going up there. T gave me the prefect scapegoat, he told me to stay downstairs with Angel and look around but I gathered my courage together, held Angels hand and forced myself up the stairs. I felt quiet anxious up there, but I refused to think of getting out to the car as an option, like I have no option in the week when it's just me and Angel and we have no safety net of the car. Angel was still feeling very stroppy and miraculously it was her tantrum that broke me of my panic as I had to deal with bit because T was busy trying on shoes. Unfortunately she had several more tantrums and I ended up carrying her down the stairs over my shoulder (thankfully feeling less dizzy). I was fine from then onward and completely calm, even travelling back home in a very hot car with a very moody little girl who had another tantrum in the car. Conclusion is that she hates with weather, she's joined my hating the hot sun club, and I can't blame her.
At home I cooked lunch while T put up the little pool for Angel and then we ate lunch, well T and I ate lunch, Angel wasn't keen an after an half an hour battle to get her to eat one piece of fried potato we gave up. She went into the pool and played for a while then we put her in her cot for a nap. A nap that she didn't have and after an hour of watching her writhing about and playing stupid games in her cot we got her up, argued then T took Angel out to get a few things while I did the housework and managed a quick shower.
I'm worried about this week, How I will cope with Angel feeling so low and so crappy because of my blood sugar and blood pressure. I've had enough of these tablets and this weather.
T was in a bit of a bad mood thought and Angel had had him up early and me being lazy on my meds hadn't even heard them get up. I ffing hate that. I hate being made to be lazy. I want to come off these meds.
We had intended to go out to a park today but it as usual didn't turn out that way. Angel was in a grotty mood which we thought would pass when we went out as is usually does, so we got ready and drove up the road to a shop to get a few things. I was a little nervous but just dealt with it. I felt very odd when I got back into the car though bu realized that my blood sugar had dropped low enough to make me feel ill so I had some crisps (carbohydrate and salt) and some sweets for the sugar to spike me back up while the carbohydrate was kicking in. T was going to drop me off home before we went to a another big store to look for some shoes for himself but although I was still dizzy I decided I knew I wasn't ill ill, or anxious so I said to carry on past the house and out of town the other way. When we got there, I was a little worried about going into such a huge place but I wanted to show myself that I could do it. Last time i went there I ended up waiting outside for the whole time and that was on lorazapam, this time I was on nothing and wanted to see how far I've come. I got out still feeling a little wobbly and went in, inside it was cool thankfully. The shoes were all upstairs and I was very very unsure about going up there. T gave me the prefect scapegoat, he told me to stay downstairs with Angel and look around but I gathered my courage together, held Angels hand and forced myself up the stairs. I felt quiet anxious up there, but I refused to think of getting out to the car as an option, like I have no option in the week when it's just me and Angel and we have no safety net of the car. Angel was still feeling very stroppy and miraculously it was her tantrum that broke me of my panic as I had to deal with bit because T was busy trying on shoes. Unfortunately she had several more tantrums and I ended up carrying her down the stairs over my shoulder (thankfully feeling less dizzy). I was fine from then onward and completely calm, even travelling back home in a very hot car with a very moody little girl who had another tantrum in the car. Conclusion is that she hates with weather, she's joined my hating the hot sun club, and I can't blame her.
At home I cooked lunch while T put up the little pool for Angel and then we ate lunch, well T and I ate lunch, Angel wasn't keen an after an half an hour battle to get her to eat one piece of fried potato we gave up. She went into the pool and played for a while then we put her in her cot for a nap. A nap that she didn't have and after an hour of watching her writhing about and playing stupid games in her cot we got her up, argued then T took Angel out to get a few things while I did the housework and managed a quick shower.
I'm worried about this week, How I will cope with Angel feeling so low and so crappy because of my blood sugar and blood pressure. I've had enough of these tablets and this weather.
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Another day in the sun
Today was another hot sunny day. I knew as soon as I got up that wasn't going to like it. I was worried about going shopping in such hot weather, knowing that if I had a panic I wouldn't have the car as my safe space like I usually use it as, because it would be way to hot to sit in there even with the doors open. T helped me set a few other goals instead and he took Angel out shopping.
So Goal 1 was to walk up to the post box alone and post a stack of letters. I went out with sweets and snacks in my bag as well as two cool drinks and walked to the post box. It wasn't too much of a push and although I was worried about the weather I wasn't really panicky. That is despite having two pancakes for breakfast, piled high with lemon curd and some of T's cold turkey burgers, odd breakfast but nice.
The second, extended goal that we set but didn't expect me to do was to go up to the post office and buy some stamps. I had my zen music player listening to because I was alone and decided to walk up that way anyway as it was all in the shade and I thought whether I managed to get there properly it would be a nice cool walk. At the corner I took a deep breath, had a sweetie and carried on up to the main road and into the post office. There wasn't anyone in the actually post office part so I went up to the desk and asked the man for what I wanted which took a while, then I paid, sorted the stamps into my purse and went back round the corner and down the road to the shaded way home. At the little park I decided to go out onto the main road and just carry on walking along, I was happy and calm and content just walking along with the slight breeze in the sun with my music on munching my snacks. I was on half a lorazapam because I'd intended to go out with T and Angel shopping but this was the first time even on Lorazapam that I had gone out after eating properly and not panicked.
I was going to talk about something else, a much harder subject for me, but I just deleted it all and wrote this instead. I guess I'm not ready just yet.
Tonight T and I are having our belated date night, watching the eurovision song contest, Im soooo excited, I love the Eurovision song contest!!!!!!!!!! I've probably already said that. I have candy and chocolate and snacks and I'm ready for it now, only an hour to wait. Yay!
So Goal 1 was to walk up to the post box alone and post a stack of letters. I went out with sweets and snacks in my bag as well as two cool drinks and walked to the post box. It wasn't too much of a push and although I was worried about the weather I wasn't really panicky. That is despite having two pancakes for breakfast, piled high with lemon curd and some of T's cold turkey burgers, odd breakfast but nice.
The second, extended goal that we set but didn't expect me to do was to go up to the post office and buy some stamps. I had my zen music player listening to because I was alone and decided to walk up that way anyway as it was all in the shade and I thought whether I managed to get there properly it would be a nice cool walk. At the corner I took a deep breath, had a sweetie and carried on up to the main road and into the post office. There wasn't anyone in the actually post office part so I went up to the desk and asked the man for what I wanted which took a while, then I paid, sorted the stamps into my purse and went back round the corner and down the road to the shaded way home. At the little park I decided to go out onto the main road and just carry on walking along, I was happy and calm and content just walking along with the slight breeze in the sun with my music on munching my snacks. I was on half a lorazapam because I'd intended to go out with T and Angel shopping but this was the first time even on Lorazapam that I had gone out after eating properly and not panicked.
I was going to talk about something else, a much harder subject for me, but I just deleted it all and wrote this instead. I guess I'm not ready just yet.
Tonight T and I are having our belated date night, watching the eurovision song contest, Im soooo excited, I love the Eurovision song contest!!!!!!!!!! I've probably already said that. I have candy and chocolate and snacks and I'm ready for it now, only an hour to wait. Yay!
Friday, 25 May 2012
A short catch up
Today has been an odd day, Apart from popping around to the chip shop to get some lunch for me and Angel and playing out the front we haven't been out today. On the up side, its another day with no lorazapam and dealt with the heat without feeling faint. I also realized that although going to the shop and out in the road may not seem like an incredibly big challenge now, it used to be a massive one. Especially after I'd eaten, or if it was too hot or there were many people around etc. Today I went out even after eating chocolate, which is a big thing for me especially after my sister. (but I won't go into that because I don't want to trigger other Emetophobics). So yeah a day spent playing with Angel lots and lots of housework as usual.
I know I'm not fat, but I am getting fatter and hate it. I will not end up looking like my mum. I know people keep telling me I'm not fat but I know my own body and I can tell there is extra fat around my belly and my thighs and I will ffing get rid of it. I don't intend to diet or change my eating because for me the main thing is that I enjoy what I eat and I don't need another eating disorder, however I will be trying to work some of it off, so I don't have to be ashamed of myself. I don't need any more excuse to hate myself.
Tomorrow we need to go to the supermarket and do our weekly shop and I need to go to a chemist and get some more aconite and lavender oil. After having day off today and how bad I've been all week, I'm very worried about it. But I already know I'll cheat and take some lorazapam. Not as much as I have been if I can help it, but some.
I know I'm not fat, but I am getting fatter and hate it. I will not end up looking like my mum. I know people keep telling me I'm not fat but I know my own body and I can tell there is extra fat around my belly and my thighs and I will ffing get rid of it. I don't intend to diet or change my eating because for me the main thing is that I enjoy what I eat and I don't need another eating disorder, however I will be trying to work some of it off, so I don't have to be ashamed of myself. I don't need any more excuse to hate myself.
Tomorrow we need to go to the supermarket and do our weekly shop and I need to go to a chemist and get some more aconite and lavender oil. After having day off today and how bad I've been all week, I'm very worried about it. But I already know I'll cheat and take some lorazapam. Not as much as I have been if I can help it, but some.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
How have two days passed again?
How on earth have two days passed again since I last blogged? I don't know where the time is going just lately but I don't seem to get anything done except the necessary house things like washing, hoovering, cleaning, tidying, lardee dar. As for my writing and knitting and all my other things I love, barely getting done.
Yesterday the plan had been to go out with my little sister to town to look around with Angel. However with what happened on Tuesday with nearly fainting, I was very worried about it. I told her that I would get up in the morning and decide how I felt and let her know and that she could still come round if she wanted to. I was very worried about letting her down in any way because of the argument over a year ago, part of it was about that. About how I mess people around all the time, never stick to what I say I'm going to do and letting people down. I also didn't want it getting back to my mum how stupid and useless I was being. T text my sister initially to tell her I wasn't well and she appeared to be fine about it but I think she was a pissed a bit.
Yesterday morning I woke up and I wasn't up to it anyway, so I text her and told her and she said she would come over here anyway. My friend came to see me and the P turned up just after so I didn't get to see much of my friend. I was a little anxious about P being with us. I always get more anxious, about showing my weaknesses and my stupidness to her. I refused to take any lorazapam and I kept reminding myself that I was in my own home, I'm okay here, I'm safe and it took it down a bit. I managed to eat lunch and we got on fairly well although I can never shake the feeling that there is a chasm between us caused by mum that we can never close. We had a giggle and generally caught up and Angel showed off to her auntie what she's been missing not spending time with us as well as how clever and lovely and amazing she is, (of course I'm rather bias).
Today I woke up feeling faint....again and was really annoyed with it, but thankfully the sun was hidden behind a misty bank of cloud and it was less hot and a lot less bright because of that. I put on some dark jeans and a bright pink top, tied my hair up high like I mean't business and after waiting for a drunk to remove himself from my road I got Angel into her pushchair and I decided to go for a little walk and see how I felt. I was only intending to walk a little and that was all, maybe to the end of the next road along, but once I got to the bottom the weather seemed fair enough that I wanted to carry on. I'd had biscuits, a little porridge and some toast and a sugary drink before going out and I was keeping drinking and nibbling so I felt not great but okay. I walked to the post box, although I had nothing to post but Angel said she wanted to go that way, then we went through the park, again at Angel's request. We walked out onto the main road and I decided that it wasn't much further to go up to the doctors to get my prescription. I crossed the big main road and walked up there. The doctors was very hot but mostly empty thankfully so I could get the script and go. By the time we got back down to the chemist I was feeling very panicky and almost left actually getting the meds. I concentrated on filling out the forms then finding my prepayment card and then forced myself to go inside, thinking if I can't stay I can always ask to pick them up later. I handed them over and sat down with Angel, she wanted more snack so I put some more into her snack pot, then logged in my whereabouts on 4square and text a friend to distract myself. I was in a bad way though, scratching and digging my nails into my wrist, bypassing the elastic bands. I almost bolted a few times. But I stopped and evaluated it, how am I feeling now? Panicky, not ill, I kept telling myself, and looked around, looking at the things the shop sold and what colours they were. They called me finally and was still panicking but not as bad when I left the shop moments later. Instead of going the easy way home I decided despite the panic to go the long way along the main road and up through the park, past the post box and home.
By the time I got back I was okay and then my friend came round a very short while after we got back. Usually that would bother me, but it didn't at all. We sat talking and laughing and watched our little girls playing.
I was terrified of today because T was in a training course which meant he was over an hour away from home and out from 8 until half past 5, although it turned out to be gone 6 in the end because of traffic. I begged him not to go this morning but as soon as he said sorry and left the house, I knew I needed to get my act together for my Angel and I got going, sorted myself out and managed going out, looking after Angel, myself, the animals and doing all of the housework before T got home. Angel got to play with Phia and her other friend Sade. Overall I thought it was going to be horrid, but actually despite the hot weather we had a nice day.
I have no idea what I'm planning for tomorrow yet, I think I will just see how I feel in the morning. I'm thinking no big challenges like going into town, maybe just a walk or something, there is always a letter to post.
Yesterday the plan had been to go out with my little sister to town to look around with Angel. However with what happened on Tuesday with nearly fainting, I was very worried about it. I told her that I would get up in the morning and decide how I felt and let her know and that she could still come round if she wanted to. I was very worried about letting her down in any way because of the argument over a year ago, part of it was about that. About how I mess people around all the time, never stick to what I say I'm going to do and letting people down. I also didn't want it getting back to my mum how stupid and useless I was being. T text my sister initially to tell her I wasn't well and she appeared to be fine about it but I think she was a pissed a bit.
Yesterday morning I woke up and I wasn't up to it anyway, so I text her and told her and she said she would come over here anyway. My friend came to see me and the P turned up just after so I didn't get to see much of my friend. I was a little anxious about P being with us. I always get more anxious, about showing my weaknesses and my stupidness to her. I refused to take any lorazapam and I kept reminding myself that I was in my own home, I'm okay here, I'm safe and it took it down a bit. I managed to eat lunch and we got on fairly well although I can never shake the feeling that there is a chasm between us caused by mum that we can never close. We had a giggle and generally caught up and Angel showed off to her auntie what she's been missing not spending time with us as well as how clever and lovely and amazing she is, (of course I'm rather bias).
Today I woke up feeling faint....again and was really annoyed with it, but thankfully the sun was hidden behind a misty bank of cloud and it was less hot and a lot less bright because of that. I put on some dark jeans and a bright pink top, tied my hair up high like I mean't business and after waiting for a drunk to remove himself from my road I got Angel into her pushchair and I decided to go for a little walk and see how I felt. I was only intending to walk a little and that was all, maybe to the end of the next road along, but once I got to the bottom the weather seemed fair enough that I wanted to carry on. I'd had biscuits, a little porridge and some toast and a sugary drink before going out and I was keeping drinking and nibbling so I felt not great but okay. I walked to the post box, although I had nothing to post but Angel said she wanted to go that way, then we went through the park, again at Angel's request. We walked out onto the main road and I decided that it wasn't much further to go up to the doctors to get my prescription. I crossed the big main road and walked up there. The doctors was very hot but mostly empty thankfully so I could get the script and go. By the time we got back down to the chemist I was feeling very panicky and almost left actually getting the meds. I concentrated on filling out the forms then finding my prepayment card and then forced myself to go inside, thinking if I can't stay I can always ask to pick them up later. I handed them over and sat down with Angel, she wanted more snack so I put some more into her snack pot, then logged in my whereabouts on 4square and text a friend to distract myself. I was in a bad way though, scratching and digging my nails into my wrist, bypassing the elastic bands. I almost bolted a few times. But I stopped and evaluated it, how am I feeling now? Panicky, not ill, I kept telling myself, and looked around, looking at the things the shop sold and what colours they were. They called me finally and was still panicking but not as bad when I left the shop moments later. Instead of going the easy way home I decided despite the panic to go the long way along the main road and up through the park, past the post box and home.
By the time I got back I was okay and then my friend came round a very short while after we got back. Usually that would bother me, but it didn't at all. We sat talking and laughing and watched our little girls playing.
I was terrified of today because T was in a training course which meant he was over an hour away from home and out from 8 until half past 5, although it turned out to be gone 6 in the end because of traffic. I begged him not to go this morning but as soon as he said sorry and left the house, I knew I needed to get my act together for my Angel and I got going, sorted myself out and managed going out, looking after Angel, myself, the animals and doing all of the housework before T got home. Angel got to play with Phia and her other friend Sade. Overall I thought it was going to be horrid, but actually despite the hot weather we had a nice day.
I have no idea what I'm planning for tomorrow yet, I think I will just see how I feel in the morning. I'm thinking no big challenges like going into town, maybe just a walk or something, there is always a letter to post.
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Not a great day so far.
This morning, I thought that my hardest task for the day was getting motivated to go out and push myself after my panic the last few days. It was difficult, I started it was a nice cool bath/shower with Angel and we spent some time playing in the water. Then we got ready to go out, I'd overestimated how many clothes Angel needed to wear for the weather and had to take a few back off her. Then we went out on foot, no more than a few steps around the corner and Angel announced she was too hot and wanted to go in her pushchair instead. So we came back and grabbed her pink stroller which meant I could also take Angel's bag and some bread for the ducks and potentially go a lot further than originally planned if I could get the panic under control. I was very anxious on the way up to the post box, but once we got there angel pointed towards the little park, I don't like to not indulge her preferences so despite my anxiety that went in that direction. The park was really hot because there is no shade there, but it smelled of summer and there were lots of birds around. I decided I didn't feel up to going as far as the big park so we threw out some bread for the birds and then carried on walking through the little park. When we got onto the main road I decided I felt up to walking along the canal and we head in that direction. Unfortinately we only got halfway there before I started to feel faint, so I turned to go back home knowing that I wasn't in a fit state to walk all the way along the canal in the hot sun with my blood pressure dropping with the heat.
I managed to get home without fainting but only just and when I got home I wasn't able to walk anymore and had to sit down for a while. I decided that with how bad it was, and I have always suffered with low blood pressure before but this was a lot worse, that I should e-mail my doctor. I decided to ask him about the lorazapam dosage too. He e-mailed me back right away and he said that there isn't anything he can do for the low blood pressure, and that it's low blood pressure and low blood sugar and I will just be very prone to fainting and that I HAVE to keep eating to keep my sugar levels up. He said I need to take snacks out with me and basically keep topped up. Well I don't usually eat when I'm going out, so I doubt I'll do that. I kinda knew that something would come along to knock me back down. If it wasn't mental it would be physical, and here it is. Even just standing outside watching Angel play ended up with me having to sit down or fall down.
As for the lorazapam, he said that I can't OD on it, so he is't worried about that, however he recommend that I lower my dosage and stop taking it all together as soon as I'm comfortable with it. Well I won't ever be. But I don't see the problem there have been people on it far longer than I have been and on much much higher dosages and through several pregnancies. i'm on barely anything compared to the vast majority of people.
Now I'm sitting listening to my little girl singing while she is supposed to be sleeping and hoping I can get at least a little work done. I am sitting in the coolest room of the house and keeping my temp down, but I'm too scared too eat too much so I guess energy tablets it is.
I managed to get home without fainting but only just and when I got home I wasn't able to walk anymore and had to sit down for a while. I decided that with how bad it was, and I have always suffered with low blood pressure before but this was a lot worse, that I should e-mail my doctor. I decided to ask him about the lorazapam dosage too. He e-mailed me back right away and he said that there isn't anything he can do for the low blood pressure, and that it's low blood pressure and low blood sugar and I will just be very prone to fainting and that I HAVE to keep eating to keep my sugar levels up. He said I need to take snacks out with me and basically keep topped up. Well I don't usually eat when I'm going out, so I doubt I'll do that. I kinda knew that something would come along to knock me back down. If it wasn't mental it would be physical, and here it is. Even just standing outside watching Angel play ended up with me having to sit down or fall down.
As for the lorazapam, he said that I can't OD on it, so he is't worried about that, however he recommend that I lower my dosage and stop taking it all together as soon as I'm comfortable with it. Well I won't ever be. But I don't see the problem there have been people on it far longer than I have been and on much much higher dosages and through several pregnancies. i'm on barely anything compared to the vast majority of people.
Now I'm sitting listening to my little girl singing while she is supposed to be sleeping and hoping I can get at least a little work done. I am sitting in the coolest room of the house and keeping my temp down, but I'm too scared too eat too much so I guess energy tablets it is.
Monday, 21 May 2012
Poo bugger
I shall explain the title of this entry after I've written about yesteday. Last night I couldn't write as I'd accidently splashed boiling water into my eye during the day and by the time it got to evening I was in agony with it and had to hold a cold wet cloth to it all night to bring the swelling and pain down.
Yesterday T and I had planned to go out and do something as a family, like a special day out. We settled on going to a place about half an hour away from where we live which is a big farm world, with all sorts of animals and activities and the most amazing thing ever (a whole room FULL of guinea-pigs). I was quite nervous but thought it would pass, so we got in the car. The whole journey there was a total nightmare where I kept thinking I would need to ask T to stop. The further we got from home the more tense and anxious I got, I dug my nails in and twanged my bands, I tried to bridge and breathe but nothing seemed to be working and all I could think was, if i was on lorazapam now I wouldn't been feeling this. By the time we got there I didn't feel like I could breathe and my efforts were not doing barely anything apart from preventing a total breakdown. I told T I needed lorazapam and he said that I should take a small amount but not so much that I don't get over the panic myself, which is what I've been doing. So i took only a half and we got out of the car and went into the shopping part of the place. We walked up and down, not going in any shops and not paying to go into the farm bit. I was very very panicky and I just wanted to be able to go into the farm place and enjoy myself with my little girl who was eager to get in and see the 'wheet wheet's' (her name for guinea-pigs because of the sound they make). In the end we payed and went in and I scoped out the toilets and used my nails on myself, trying to breathe through the panic which was coming in thick, chocking waves. I was finding it hard to focus on anything else, it was loud and very busy and that wasn't helping me. Angel loved it after she'd gotten over being overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of noise. I wanted to get out of there but I wanted to see my daughter enjoying herself more. I stuck with it, not caring if I hurt myself beyond temporary marks to stay. We went into the guinea-pig room and Angel was amazed and enraptured right away. There were also birds flying around the ceiling and stealing the guinea-pigs food which was cute. I've never been a huge fan of wheet wheets, we have two but they are really T's. But they caught my attention and I started to calm a little. T and Angel held one, a little white and cream coloured one, which was pretty young and although I felt like escaping I picked him up and popped him onto my lap and concentrated on stroking his fur and listening to his little happy sounds. My panic didn't disappear but it calmed a little. From that room we went out via handwashing and walked around the outside part. Still the panic attack didn't go but I was 'just' able to handle it.
Then another hard part came, we needed to go and get lunch. As soon as we walked through the doors into the resteraunt it was hot, packed and noisy and the smells of food hit me like a wall. I tried to stay, but decided the best thing was to get some air and take the stroller back to the car. By the time I came back Angel and T were seated as near to the toilets as they could get and were already eating. I sat down and told T I seriously doubted I could stay in there. T wrapped up some chips in some napkins so I could eat in the car or at the very least on the way home. I was just about ready to leave but Angel started to decide she wasn't going to eat anymore and she hadn't had much anyway. I began helping her to eat and making it fun and she ate a load more and I felt calm enough to eat a tiny bit myself while still unable to get out of the panic attack. From there I walked on my own with Angel to the big sweet shop they have there while T caught us up. I once again felt my panic rising in the shop, but managed to focus enough to choose something for Angel that I know she might like and choose a few things for myself. The shop all off a sudden got busy and I was relieved to get out when we payed. We then walked around to another shop and i found sucking a few sweets helped me but I still felt horrid. We looked around the bug area with Angel, showing her the tarantulas which she loved and the frogs, scorpions, snails etc. We then had a very quick look around another shop before heading back to the car via taking peacock pictures. Angel was tired and I wa beginning to feel that way too. A strange relaxation fell over me as soon as we started travelling and both Angel and I half drifted in and out all the way home.
It was a very hard day and a very very panicky experience which has left me feeling disheartened and discouraged.
Today I didn't want to take any lorazapam as I was once again feeling irritable from the withdrawal effects. I managed to get ready and get Angel out, up to the post box then somehow, even though I was feeling very very anxious, managed to get myself up to the chemist to get some more energy sweets for the week. I was hoping to go to the big park and feed the ducks from there and then maybe into the very edge of town to the supermarket to get some butter which we ran out of this morning. But the chemist was hard enough and I'd pushed to do that, so I took a slow walk back and regretfully didn't push to go further.
I'm not sure whether it is addiction talking or sense, but I want to take lorazapam to help me go out and do things. I want to be able to cope, like last week. I have no idea how much is too much to be taking, I have no idea how much I should limit myself or whether the irritability is really a withdrawal effect or just my moods fluctuating. I guess I need to e-mail my doctor.
For the rest of today, Angel and I stayed in and did housework and played. I ended up having another nasty panic attack while we were playing out the front and had to bring Angel inside because of how bad I felt.
So now for the poo bugger.... when I saw my sister on Saturday, we agreed we would go out together this week. So Wednesday I am supposed to be going to town and or a retail park nearby to get some things and a swimming costume for Angel as next Wednesday we are supposed to be going swimming. I've taken steps back again, how the hell can I do that? Any of it, let alone go swimming! Why did I open my mouth and agree?
I'm getting so tired now that I will have to e-mail doctor and carry on worrying tomorrow. I have Angel on my own all week this week and I'm already exhausted. It's going to be long and tiring and I still have all this panic to tackle and Wednesday.
Too exhausted to think on this now. Good night xxx
Yesterday T and I had planned to go out and do something as a family, like a special day out. We settled on going to a place about half an hour away from where we live which is a big farm world, with all sorts of animals and activities and the most amazing thing ever (a whole room FULL of guinea-pigs). I was quite nervous but thought it would pass, so we got in the car. The whole journey there was a total nightmare where I kept thinking I would need to ask T to stop. The further we got from home the more tense and anxious I got, I dug my nails in and twanged my bands, I tried to bridge and breathe but nothing seemed to be working and all I could think was, if i was on lorazapam now I wouldn't been feeling this. By the time we got there I didn't feel like I could breathe and my efforts were not doing barely anything apart from preventing a total breakdown. I told T I needed lorazapam and he said that I should take a small amount but not so much that I don't get over the panic myself, which is what I've been doing. So i took only a half and we got out of the car and went into the shopping part of the place. We walked up and down, not going in any shops and not paying to go into the farm bit. I was very very panicky and I just wanted to be able to go into the farm place and enjoy myself with my little girl who was eager to get in and see the 'wheet wheet's' (her name for guinea-pigs because of the sound they make). In the end we payed and went in and I scoped out the toilets and used my nails on myself, trying to breathe through the panic which was coming in thick, chocking waves. I was finding it hard to focus on anything else, it was loud and very busy and that wasn't helping me. Angel loved it after she'd gotten over being overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of noise. I wanted to get out of there but I wanted to see my daughter enjoying herself more. I stuck with it, not caring if I hurt myself beyond temporary marks to stay. We went into the guinea-pig room and Angel was amazed and enraptured right away. There were also birds flying around the ceiling and stealing the guinea-pigs food which was cute. I've never been a huge fan of wheet wheets, we have two but they are really T's. But they caught my attention and I started to calm a little. T and Angel held one, a little white and cream coloured one, which was pretty young and although I felt like escaping I picked him up and popped him onto my lap and concentrated on stroking his fur and listening to his little happy sounds. My panic didn't disappear but it calmed a little. From that room we went out via handwashing and walked around the outside part. Still the panic attack didn't go but I was 'just' able to handle it.
Then another hard part came, we needed to go and get lunch. As soon as we walked through the doors into the resteraunt it was hot, packed and noisy and the smells of food hit me like a wall. I tried to stay, but decided the best thing was to get some air and take the stroller back to the car. By the time I came back Angel and T were seated as near to the toilets as they could get and were already eating. I sat down and told T I seriously doubted I could stay in there. T wrapped up some chips in some napkins so I could eat in the car or at the very least on the way home. I was just about ready to leave but Angel started to decide she wasn't going to eat anymore and she hadn't had much anyway. I began helping her to eat and making it fun and she ate a load more and I felt calm enough to eat a tiny bit myself while still unable to get out of the panic attack. From there I walked on my own with Angel to the big sweet shop they have there while T caught us up. I once again felt my panic rising in the shop, but managed to focus enough to choose something for Angel that I know she might like and choose a few things for myself. The shop all off a sudden got busy and I was relieved to get out when we payed. We then walked around to another shop and i found sucking a few sweets helped me but I still felt horrid. We looked around the bug area with Angel, showing her the tarantulas which she loved and the frogs, scorpions, snails etc. We then had a very quick look around another shop before heading back to the car via taking peacock pictures. Angel was tired and I wa beginning to feel that way too. A strange relaxation fell over me as soon as we started travelling and both Angel and I half drifted in and out all the way home.
It was a very hard day and a very very panicky experience which has left me feeling disheartened and discouraged.
Today I didn't want to take any lorazapam as I was once again feeling irritable from the withdrawal effects. I managed to get ready and get Angel out, up to the post box then somehow, even though I was feeling very very anxious, managed to get myself up to the chemist to get some more energy sweets for the week. I was hoping to go to the big park and feed the ducks from there and then maybe into the very edge of town to the supermarket to get some butter which we ran out of this morning. But the chemist was hard enough and I'd pushed to do that, so I took a slow walk back and regretfully didn't push to go further.
I'm not sure whether it is addiction talking or sense, but I want to take lorazapam to help me go out and do things. I want to be able to cope, like last week. I have no idea how much is too much to be taking, I have no idea how much I should limit myself or whether the irritability is really a withdrawal effect or just my moods fluctuating. I guess I need to e-mail my doctor.
For the rest of today, Angel and I stayed in and did housework and played. I ended up having another nasty panic attack while we were playing out the front and had to bring Angel inside because of how bad I felt.
So now for the poo bugger.... when I saw my sister on Saturday, we agreed we would go out together this week. So Wednesday I am supposed to be going to town and or a retail park nearby to get some things and a swimming costume for Angel as next Wednesday we are supposed to be going swimming. I've taken steps back again, how the hell can I do that? Any of it, let alone go swimming! Why did I open my mouth and agree?
I'm getting so tired now that I will have to e-mail doctor and carry on worrying tomorrow. I have Angel on my own all week this week and I'm already exhausted. It's going to be long and tiring and I still have all this panic to tackle and Wednesday.
Too exhausted to think on this now. Good night xxx
Saturday, 19 May 2012
I am in control *Triggering*
I took my meds that make me fall asleep over 2 hours ago now, and I guess it's a form of punishment that I've made myself stay awake this long. Pushing onward to advertise things on Ebay to make at least a little money.
The punishment is for being unable to earn money, not being able to look after my family. For being everything I wished to be and still being a failure.
I;m glad my eyes burn, I'm glad my back aches, I'm glad my stomach is rumbling and cramping, it reminds my body that I am in control and I can hurt myself however I want to. I am mine and I will never get away from myself and no one can save that little lost girl because I am in control and I'm a fucked up nasty person. I lock her inside because I'm not good enough to be freed. I'm on my own, my baby sleeps, my husband sleeps, and I sit here pulling the pennies together because I can't even do something as simple as earn money. I will never get a wage from what I enjoy doing, so I need to grow up and be an adult and stop following pointless childish dreams. I will get nowhere I am no one.
The punishment is for being unable to earn money, not being able to look after my family. For being everything I wished to be and still being a failure.
I;m glad my eyes burn, I'm glad my back aches, I'm glad my stomach is rumbling and cramping, it reminds my body that I am in control and I can hurt myself however I want to. I am mine and I will never get away from myself and no one can save that little lost girl because I am in control and I'm a fucked up nasty person. I lock her inside because I'm not good enough to be freed. I'm on my own, my baby sleeps, my husband sleeps, and I sit here pulling the pennies together because I can't even do something as simple as earn money. I will never get a wage from what I enjoy doing, so I need to grow up and be an adult and stop following pointless childish dreams. I will get nowhere I am no one.
Learning who I am.
It's always a bad sign when I don't make time to blog and this has been 3 days I think. So this could be long or it could be skimming over lots of bits.
Starting from Friday then, my day with KR. I was a little nervous about him coming so I took half a lorazapam early enough so that when we got to mine it was working. It wasn't him coming that was bothering me, but the going out with him, hadn't planned on going far, but still terrifies me. Tuesday going out with my friend was wonderful and this was only the 2nd time and a different friend who doesn't get my issues.
So yeah anyway, he arrived at mine and it was the perfect time to go out. We got Angel ready and I pushed the pink stroller up to the post box - goal 1. Then through the little park - goal 2. From there KR helped me make the quick decision to go further, up to the post office on the main road - goal 3. He asked me if I'd like him to push the pushchair and I said it would be nice and he took it, a tall guy pushing a pink pram ahhh. We got up to the post office and I concentrated on doing the things I needed to do then we came back out again. I was feeling a little more calm because we were going back home. However, we took a detour out onto the canal and with KR pushing the stroller and me walking beside him, chatting away about old times and new things and Angel we walked all the way to the basin and then all the way back home. It was totally gorgeous walking out in the sunshine by the canal with an old friend. He took his jacket off and put it into the back of the stroller and we went on, talking about apartments on the edge of the canal and how much they'd be and all sorts of things. When we got home I put some fries and chicken in the oven and we all went out to play in the sand pit, KR's hair kept getting into his face so I stuck a couple of bows in his hair to get it to stop, one pink and one blue :D we laughed so much, but he kept them in until he went. When we sat down to have lunch I was actually able to eat and then T came home from work and ate with us. Angel went to sleep, T went into the office to work and me and KR were left alone. We decided on our favorite from when we were kids and got out the Sega. We had several micro machines tournaments and giggled so much that I was worried we would wake Angel up. I realized sitting there, how much I love him, as a brother. How much I'd missed my little brother who acts like an older brother. I might have wanted more from him at one time but he has always been my brother. (that sounds quite bad and incestey). Before he went home we played with Angel some more and he gave me a huge hug. It was the first hug I'd ever had from him.
I can't describe the amazing feeling of freedom, from being able to go out and walk around and do something not because I had to but because I wanted to. To be able to eat and drink and talk and act freely. To be who I was meant to be, who I should be. This week has been a completely -to borrow a word from KR- 'awesome' week for freedom and happiness and friendship.
Also on Friday another friend had to have a procedure in hospital and I was on edge waiting to hear how she was and thankfully it went well and she was okay and home by the end of the day. If she's reading this, I hope you're recovering well xxxx
So now the down side to my great week..........
Today I woke up feeling irritable and moody. I didn't take lorazapam because I've taken loads this week, far too much. I was so edgy, we went to a retail park to pick me up some rollerblades; I've wanted some for a while and T said he wanted to get me some as we have some vouchers to get most of the money off. I have to admit in a more crappy mood this morning I was less keen on the idea and thought that I'm way too old and we shouldn't be spending any money on me even if it only work out to be £5. But T wouldn't let up. We went into one shop and I was very very edgy and pinged my bands and I sat in the car for the next shop. But then in a moment of confidence, set myself the goal of getting out of the car to go find Angel and T even if it was to just touch them say hi and run away back to the car again. I got out, locked the car and went into the shop, it was a little busy, but Angel put her arms out to me right away and I cuddled her and felt calmer. From there we went into the next shop and I felt mostly okay. We decided to go home from there to sort out some bird feeders and stuff but I think I would have been okay if we went somewhere else.
So now back to the downside. Using my blogs from the past 3 weeks, I have documented lorazapam taking and my moods and have come up with a link and a reason for my irritability, clumsiness, lack of appetite and a few other things. Beside my normal bi-polar/manic depressive mood changes week to week or there about the other effects were only happening the days I don't take lorazapam pointing to withdrawal effects because I've been taking much more than I used to, and I noticed that over the last few weeks my dosages have increased. So next week I am dreading, I need to cut it back. I need to start taking less and dealing more. Have I only been doing so well because I've been doped up?
Next week may not be as spectacular or enjoyable as last week, in fact the next few weeks could be hard work, I have to keep up with going out and things but on either 0 or low lorazapam. Feel so angry at myself for letting myself slip so much. I used to go a week or more without taking any.... but then again, I used to only go out as far as the end of the road. I don't know what to do.
A few other things happened today, one of which I was thoroughly ashamed of. It was only a comment that I made but I should have been a lot more sensitive and thought about it first. Shame is something I am very familiar with, my mum taught it to me all the time, shame and guilt. Shame so sharp its nauseating. I just want to say I'm sorry, and I hope the hugs helped make up for it.
I've had a few people in my family pass away but I don't seem to react to death as most people do. I don't know if that makes me a sociopath, or insensitive or something else. But I am ashamed of that in me. It left me thinking about who I would cry for and who I wouldn't. Speaking of which I found out this evening that my Nannies partner is in hospital.
This afternoon my dad, his new girlfriend and my sister came around. It was the first time I'd seen my sister since the end of February, because of the arguments and the mum issue. It felt a little awkward but it was nice to see her I guess. I couldn't have asked for a better behaved daughter though, I was so immensely proud of Angel telling them all the words she knows, the colours and numbers and everything else. She even gave J my dad's girlfriend a kiss before she left as well as dad and my sister, that's another one up on mum wohoo. Yes I am that petty and evil, and no I don't care. As time goes on I realize more and more that I'm not a nice person.
Starting from Friday then, my day with KR. I was a little nervous about him coming so I took half a lorazapam early enough so that when we got to mine it was working. It wasn't him coming that was bothering me, but the going out with him, hadn't planned on going far, but still terrifies me. Tuesday going out with my friend was wonderful and this was only the 2nd time and a different friend who doesn't get my issues.
So yeah anyway, he arrived at mine and it was the perfect time to go out. We got Angel ready and I pushed the pink stroller up to the post box - goal 1. Then through the little park - goal 2. From there KR helped me make the quick decision to go further, up to the post office on the main road - goal 3. He asked me if I'd like him to push the pushchair and I said it would be nice and he took it, a tall guy pushing a pink pram ahhh. We got up to the post office and I concentrated on doing the things I needed to do then we came back out again. I was feeling a little more calm because we were going back home. However, we took a detour out onto the canal and with KR pushing the stroller and me walking beside him, chatting away about old times and new things and Angel we walked all the way to the basin and then all the way back home. It was totally gorgeous walking out in the sunshine by the canal with an old friend. He took his jacket off and put it into the back of the stroller and we went on, talking about apartments on the edge of the canal and how much they'd be and all sorts of things. When we got home I put some fries and chicken in the oven and we all went out to play in the sand pit, KR's hair kept getting into his face so I stuck a couple of bows in his hair to get it to stop, one pink and one blue :D we laughed so much, but he kept them in until he went. When we sat down to have lunch I was actually able to eat and then T came home from work and ate with us. Angel went to sleep, T went into the office to work and me and KR were left alone. We decided on our favorite from when we were kids and got out the Sega. We had several micro machines tournaments and giggled so much that I was worried we would wake Angel up. I realized sitting there, how much I love him, as a brother. How much I'd missed my little brother who acts like an older brother. I might have wanted more from him at one time but he has always been my brother. (that sounds quite bad and incestey). Before he went home we played with Angel some more and he gave me a huge hug. It was the first hug I'd ever had from him.
I can't describe the amazing feeling of freedom, from being able to go out and walk around and do something not because I had to but because I wanted to. To be able to eat and drink and talk and act freely. To be who I was meant to be, who I should be. This week has been a completely -to borrow a word from KR- 'awesome' week for freedom and happiness and friendship.
Also on Friday another friend had to have a procedure in hospital and I was on edge waiting to hear how she was and thankfully it went well and she was okay and home by the end of the day. If she's reading this, I hope you're recovering well xxxx
So now the down side to my great week..........
Today I woke up feeling irritable and moody. I didn't take lorazapam because I've taken loads this week, far too much. I was so edgy, we went to a retail park to pick me up some rollerblades; I've wanted some for a while and T said he wanted to get me some as we have some vouchers to get most of the money off. I have to admit in a more crappy mood this morning I was less keen on the idea and thought that I'm way too old and we shouldn't be spending any money on me even if it only work out to be £5. But T wouldn't let up. We went into one shop and I was very very edgy and pinged my bands and I sat in the car for the next shop. But then in a moment of confidence, set myself the goal of getting out of the car to go find Angel and T even if it was to just touch them say hi and run away back to the car again. I got out, locked the car and went into the shop, it was a little busy, but Angel put her arms out to me right away and I cuddled her and felt calmer. From there we went into the next shop and I felt mostly okay. We decided to go home from there to sort out some bird feeders and stuff but I think I would have been okay if we went somewhere else.
So now back to the downside. Using my blogs from the past 3 weeks, I have documented lorazapam taking and my moods and have come up with a link and a reason for my irritability, clumsiness, lack of appetite and a few other things. Beside my normal bi-polar/manic depressive mood changes week to week or there about the other effects were only happening the days I don't take lorazapam pointing to withdrawal effects because I've been taking much more than I used to, and I noticed that over the last few weeks my dosages have increased. So next week I am dreading, I need to cut it back. I need to start taking less and dealing more. Have I only been doing so well because I've been doped up?
Next week may not be as spectacular or enjoyable as last week, in fact the next few weeks could be hard work, I have to keep up with going out and things but on either 0 or low lorazapam. Feel so angry at myself for letting myself slip so much. I used to go a week or more without taking any.... but then again, I used to only go out as far as the end of the road. I don't know what to do.
A few other things happened today, one of which I was thoroughly ashamed of. It was only a comment that I made but I should have been a lot more sensitive and thought about it first. Shame is something I am very familiar with, my mum taught it to me all the time, shame and guilt. Shame so sharp its nauseating. I just want to say I'm sorry, and I hope the hugs helped make up for it.
I've had a few people in my family pass away but I don't seem to react to death as most people do. I don't know if that makes me a sociopath, or insensitive or something else. But I am ashamed of that in me. It left me thinking about who I would cry for and who I wouldn't. Speaking of which I found out this evening that my Nannies partner is in hospital.
This afternoon my dad, his new girlfriend and my sister came around. It was the first time I'd seen my sister since the end of February, because of the arguments and the mum issue. It felt a little awkward but it was nice to see her I guess. I couldn't have asked for a better behaved daughter though, I was so immensely proud of Angel telling them all the words she knows, the colours and numbers and everything else. She even gave J my dad's girlfriend a kiss before she left as well as dad and my sister, that's another one up on mum wohoo. Yes I am that petty and evil, and no I don't care. As time goes on I realize more and more that I'm not a nice person.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
A loooooooooooooong one
I didn't get around to writing a bog last night and part of that was I was worried if I wrote some stuff then I would jinx myself and I wouldn't have been able to cope.
My goal was to go to the post box yesterday, I'd taken lorazapam the day before and I knew I would have to take some today to get to the dentist so I didn't touch any yesterday, despite the fact that Angel had been sick the night before as well. I got her ready and gave her a plain breakfast, deciding that although I really didn't think it was a bug I would play it safe for that day just to cover all areas. Got her into her little stroller and we went up to the post box, then she asked me if we could go through the park so we did, then out onto the road again and looped all the way back round several reads for a longer walk than planned. I didn't feel anxious really at all, and I think I would have gone further if I wasn't worried about Angel and being followed by a very odd man. At home we played in the sand pit for a while then my friend K text me to ask if we would like some visitors for a while. I'd eaten some chocolate cake which is a high risk food for me as well as some other stuff and usually I would have said no, but I felt calm and relaxed enough and enjoy their company. I actually felt excited and text back right away. They came over and we met them outside. We had a lovely time chatting and it seemed all too soon that they had to go. Before they left K offered to have Angel for us today when we went to the dentist and usually I would say no. But I trust them completely, I know Angel is safe and there is minimum risk of her catching anything. I said yes and felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders because I hate Angel having to see me in such a bad way. I'd wanted to ask myself but I was too afraid, thinking it would be like me being a crap mum and casting her off onto people and when I told T that K was going to have her I felt really bad about it, but it was my mum in my mind, telling me I was bad. There is nothing wrong with leaving my daughter with people I trust who love her to bits while I go and do something difficult.
Last night I got everything ready for today, knowing that my appointment was 9.20 and I'd need to get there with plenty of time to spare to stay calm. However, even last night I didn't feel any where near as panicky as usual about having to go. It felt like a necessity that I needed to to and get out of the way so I could carry on with my day. By the time it was time to go to sleep, I still wasn't anxious and the lack of anxiety was making me a little confused. I just ignored it all and went to sleep, setting my alarm for very early so I could have enough time to panic and take my meds and attempt to eat.
When I woke up I wasn't very hungry really, I had a few biscuits, my meds, some energy tablets to get me going and some aconite. I helped give Angel breakfast, got myself up and dressed and fed the animals. Then we went out, dropping Angel at Phia and K's house and then driving to the dentist surgery. The car-park was too full to fit and usually I would have had a major panic but I remained calm and told T to drive around the block and come back and there might be a space there. There was a space when we got back, but it was right up at the top end of the car-park, usually, the car being so far away from the entrance would bother me, make me more anxious- It didn't. Usually I sit in the car for over half an hour, panicking, worrying, trying to work out how I feel, whether it is panic feelings in my tummy or I'm really ill. I looked at the clock and realized it was about five mins to my appointment an just said "Shall we go in?" you should have seen T's face, I think he thought I was joking. We got out of the car and I wasn't too concerned about having the keys but T gave them to me anyway to make it easier for him. We went inside and I told the receptionist who I was and I was there for an appointment. My waiting room is upstairs and I have been unable to wait in that room or even go up the main spiral staircase in maybe 4 years. I glanced at the stairs we usually end up standing on while I panic and then at the spiral staircase. "Do you want to go to the waiting room?" T asked me, looking astounded. I nodded and we went up the spiral staircase, I kept in my mind that if I got panicky I could very easily walk down the corridor to the stairs we usually stand on. I sat there, like a totally normal person. I was holding my special rose quartz in my hand and it was helping me to stay calm. I explored how it felt in my hands and looked at the soft shads of pink. I chatted to T and I didn't panic. I felt a little anxious but I didn't have a panic attack. I was called and I grabbed my bag and with my crystal in my hand walked down to the end of the corridor to my dentists room, walking in for the first time in too long for me to remember with a smile on my face and a relaxed stance. I told him I was there for a check-up and that there were a few teeth that specifically needed checking, knowing that one might need taking out and there was one that needed a filling too. I lay back, keeping a bottle of water to hand but leaving my bag with all my safety things in with T on the other side of the room. I didn't drink any of the drink, I lay back opened my mouth and relaxed into the chair, the only time not on sedation when I have relaxed there. I counted the ceiling tiles and listened to the radio which they had on low and didn't even flinch when he started to fill my tooth. I asked for my prescription and he told he everything else is okay and we left, still smiling.
While K had Angel I asked T whether we should pop to get the shopping to free us up for the weekend for doing fun things. We went to the largest supermarket near us, the one with the library inside and I walked round the whole shop with T getting the shopping and chatting away (and sliding down some of the empty isles). I saw some dark red roses and they reminded me of K so I got some for her and some of her fave ; dib-dabs and got Phia some lollies. From there we went to the library and got some new books for Angel and T then we went out to the car. We decided to pop back out and get a subway for lunch. It was the first time I'd actually ordered my own sub and then we sat in the car eating a bit before we left to get Angel. Although sitting there we remembered that 'd handed in my prescription but we hadn't picked it up. I'd literally just eaten but I got out of the car and went back inside the now busy shop, right to the back to stand and talk to the woman about my prescription and picking it up. I walked back out just as calmly and couldn't believe I'd done all of that after eating! and not 'safe' food as far and my mind is concerned.
By the time we got to picking Angel up I was flagging pretty hard and almost fell asleep in K's house. We came home and I got Angel ready for her sleep, finding I was so tired it was hard to walk or focus on anything. Finally I got her into the cot, came downstairs and collapsed onto the sofa with a blanket. Must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, however Angel spent her nap time moaning and crying and niggling which meant I did't sleep more than about twenty disturbed minutes. I forced myself up and took some energy tablets then got her up. I was a little moody at first but I decided to have a shower and bath joint thingie with Angel, she loves doing that and it would help perk us both up. It did the trick and we both were happy and unpacking the shopping while I was drinking coffee when T came home a while later. T and Angel played with playdoh while I sat sipping coffee and willing my mind to work. Then Angel decided she wanted to play outside and met her friend S out there. I got in some things from the car and then joined in with them playing with balls and pushchairs and I perked right up. I then had a thought which I share with T.
I haven't been out in the afternoon past lunch time for about 4 years, and when I did before that I would starve myself all day for it. I told T to get the stroller and he pushed that while I took Angel's hand and we walked up to the post box, in the evening, even though I'd eaten and not long drank lots of coffee. I thought I'd feel anxious but the anxiety was so low it barely counts as anxiety compared to how I usually feel. I know my meds had stopped working so it was all me. We went even further than the post box, through the park and out onto the busy rush hour main road and then looped around to head back home, only because we were hungry and it was Angel's bed time, I felt like I could have done far more.
My friend text me today, I'm not sure I have shared much about him on my blog before. KR and I have known each other from the day he was born, exactly 5 weeks after i was. We grew up very close, basically brought up together as our mums were best friends. Until his mum had another and then eventually my mum had my sister. By that point KR and I were older and not as close, because school drives different sex friends apart. We mainly saw each other in the holidays and birthdays from secondary school on. I always have a crush on him, and I didn't realize but he also had a crush on me. We used to kind of flirt but it was hard to tell what was just sibling closeness and actual flirting. When I was 14 I left school because of how ill I'd gotten and he stayed there and we drifted apart more. I used to go over there to watch him play his Playstation, although really I was watching him and would make any excuse to sit right next to him, things like that.
When I was 16 I got my first proper boyfriend, I wanted KR but I was convinced he didn't want me and I was too scared to ask outright and he was way to scared and shy to speak out. I got engaged at 17 then it all broke off and not long after I met another guy, that didn't last more than a month (probably rebound relationship, although he liked to use me which I hated). I'd moved out of home by then and into a house with suitor number 2 and another man who was the landlord. I'd met T by this point but online only, I was too scared to meet him in person and at the time he had hurt his back.
In July we finally met up for out date and it was love at first sight. I'd never felt anything like the kisses he gave and from that day on wards we have never been apart for more than a few nights at a time and I was moved in with him after only two months of being together. I'm happy to answer questions about that and one day go into more detail but for now back to KR; We started getting in touch a bit more and texting all the time and he admitted he has always loved me and will wait for me all his life. I still love him, but it is a totally different love to T but that doesn't mean I'm not tempted to see what it would feel like to kiss KR.
Anyway again (getting off side tracked). He has been very depressed for the last few weeks, he gets bouts of it anyway but this has been loads worse, he keeps going to tell me what is the cause of it, but he stops himself at the last minute and I suspect it is this thing between us still, or maybe I'm being too focused on myself. Last week when I was extremely down, so was he and we were texting lots. Today he text me to ask me if I am busy tomorrow and if he can come and spend the day with me, he doesn't care what we do but he just needs to try to be happy. I agreed to it and I admit I'm a little worried but also excited, it will be nice having him round for the day. I so miss him, he makes me laugh so much. It isn't definite yet, just a maybe but he seems very keen on sharing the day with me and Angel.
My goal was to go to the post box yesterday, I'd taken lorazapam the day before and I knew I would have to take some today to get to the dentist so I didn't touch any yesterday, despite the fact that Angel had been sick the night before as well. I got her ready and gave her a plain breakfast, deciding that although I really didn't think it was a bug I would play it safe for that day just to cover all areas. Got her into her little stroller and we went up to the post box, then she asked me if we could go through the park so we did, then out onto the road again and looped all the way back round several reads for a longer walk than planned. I didn't feel anxious really at all, and I think I would have gone further if I wasn't worried about Angel and being followed by a very odd man. At home we played in the sand pit for a while then my friend K text me to ask if we would like some visitors for a while. I'd eaten some chocolate cake which is a high risk food for me as well as some other stuff and usually I would have said no, but I felt calm and relaxed enough and enjoy their company. I actually felt excited and text back right away. They came over and we met them outside. We had a lovely time chatting and it seemed all too soon that they had to go. Before they left K offered to have Angel for us today when we went to the dentist and usually I would say no. But I trust them completely, I know Angel is safe and there is minimum risk of her catching anything. I said yes and felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders because I hate Angel having to see me in such a bad way. I'd wanted to ask myself but I was too afraid, thinking it would be like me being a crap mum and casting her off onto people and when I told T that K was going to have her I felt really bad about it, but it was my mum in my mind, telling me I was bad. There is nothing wrong with leaving my daughter with people I trust who love her to bits while I go and do something difficult.
Last night I got everything ready for today, knowing that my appointment was 9.20 and I'd need to get there with plenty of time to spare to stay calm. However, even last night I didn't feel any where near as panicky as usual about having to go. It felt like a necessity that I needed to to and get out of the way so I could carry on with my day. By the time it was time to go to sleep, I still wasn't anxious and the lack of anxiety was making me a little confused. I just ignored it all and went to sleep, setting my alarm for very early so I could have enough time to panic and take my meds and attempt to eat.
When I woke up I wasn't very hungry really, I had a few biscuits, my meds, some energy tablets to get me going and some aconite. I helped give Angel breakfast, got myself up and dressed and fed the animals. Then we went out, dropping Angel at Phia and K's house and then driving to the dentist surgery. The car-park was too full to fit and usually I would have had a major panic but I remained calm and told T to drive around the block and come back and there might be a space there. There was a space when we got back, but it was right up at the top end of the car-park, usually, the car being so far away from the entrance would bother me, make me more anxious- It didn't. Usually I sit in the car for over half an hour, panicking, worrying, trying to work out how I feel, whether it is panic feelings in my tummy or I'm really ill. I looked at the clock and realized it was about five mins to my appointment an just said "Shall we go in?" you should have seen T's face, I think he thought I was joking. We got out of the car and I wasn't too concerned about having the keys but T gave them to me anyway to make it easier for him. We went inside and I told the receptionist who I was and I was there for an appointment. My waiting room is upstairs and I have been unable to wait in that room or even go up the main spiral staircase in maybe 4 years. I glanced at the stairs we usually end up standing on while I panic and then at the spiral staircase. "Do you want to go to the waiting room?" T asked me, looking astounded. I nodded and we went up the spiral staircase, I kept in my mind that if I got panicky I could very easily walk down the corridor to the stairs we usually stand on. I sat there, like a totally normal person. I was holding my special rose quartz in my hand and it was helping me to stay calm. I explored how it felt in my hands and looked at the soft shads of pink. I chatted to T and I didn't panic. I felt a little anxious but I didn't have a panic attack. I was called and I grabbed my bag and with my crystal in my hand walked down to the end of the corridor to my dentists room, walking in for the first time in too long for me to remember with a smile on my face and a relaxed stance. I told him I was there for a check-up and that there were a few teeth that specifically needed checking, knowing that one might need taking out and there was one that needed a filling too. I lay back, keeping a bottle of water to hand but leaving my bag with all my safety things in with T on the other side of the room. I didn't drink any of the drink, I lay back opened my mouth and relaxed into the chair, the only time not on sedation when I have relaxed there. I counted the ceiling tiles and listened to the radio which they had on low and didn't even flinch when he started to fill my tooth. I asked for my prescription and he told he everything else is okay and we left, still smiling.
While K had Angel I asked T whether we should pop to get the shopping to free us up for the weekend for doing fun things. We went to the largest supermarket near us, the one with the library inside and I walked round the whole shop with T getting the shopping and chatting away (and sliding down some of the empty isles). I saw some dark red roses and they reminded me of K so I got some for her and some of her fave ; dib-dabs and got Phia some lollies. From there we went to the library and got some new books for Angel and T then we went out to the car. We decided to pop back out and get a subway for lunch. It was the first time I'd actually ordered my own sub and then we sat in the car eating a bit before we left to get Angel. Although sitting there we remembered that 'd handed in my prescription but we hadn't picked it up. I'd literally just eaten but I got out of the car and went back inside the now busy shop, right to the back to stand and talk to the woman about my prescription and picking it up. I walked back out just as calmly and couldn't believe I'd done all of that after eating! and not 'safe' food as far and my mind is concerned.
By the time we got to picking Angel up I was flagging pretty hard and almost fell asleep in K's house. We came home and I got Angel ready for her sleep, finding I was so tired it was hard to walk or focus on anything. Finally I got her into the cot, came downstairs and collapsed onto the sofa with a blanket. Must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, however Angel spent her nap time moaning and crying and niggling which meant I did't sleep more than about twenty disturbed minutes. I forced myself up and took some energy tablets then got her up. I was a little moody at first but I decided to have a shower and bath joint thingie with Angel, she loves doing that and it would help perk us both up. It did the trick and we both were happy and unpacking the shopping while I was drinking coffee when T came home a while later. T and Angel played with playdoh while I sat sipping coffee and willing my mind to work. Then Angel decided she wanted to play outside and met her friend S out there. I got in some things from the car and then joined in with them playing with balls and pushchairs and I perked right up. I then had a thought which I share with T.
I haven't been out in the afternoon past lunch time for about 4 years, and when I did before that I would starve myself all day for it. I told T to get the stroller and he pushed that while I took Angel's hand and we walked up to the post box, in the evening, even though I'd eaten and not long drank lots of coffee. I thought I'd feel anxious but the anxiety was so low it barely counts as anxiety compared to how I usually feel. I know my meds had stopped working so it was all me. We went even further than the post box, through the park and out onto the busy rush hour main road and then looped around to head back home, only because we were hungry and it was Angel's bed time, I felt like I could have done far more.
My friend text me today, I'm not sure I have shared much about him on my blog before. KR and I have known each other from the day he was born, exactly 5 weeks after i was. We grew up very close, basically brought up together as our mums were best friends. Until his mum had another and then eventually my mum had my sister. By that point KR and I were older and not as close, because school drives different sex friends apart. We mainly saw each other in the holidays and birthdays from secondary school on. I always have a crush on him, and I didn't realize but he also had a crush on me. We used to kind of flirt but it was hard to tell what was just sibling closeness and actual flirting. When I was 14 I left school because of how ill I'd gotten and he stayed there and we drifted apart more. I used to go over there to watch him play his Playstation, although really I was watching him and would make any excuse to sit right next to him, things like that.
When I was 16 I got my first proper boyfriend, I wanted KR but I was convinced he didn't want me and I was too scared to ask outright and he was way to scared and shy to speak out. I got engaged at 17 then it all broke off and not long after I met another guy, that didn't last more than a month (probably rebound relationship, although he liked to use me which I hated). I'd moved out of home by then and into a house with suitor number 2 and another man who was the landlord. I'd met T by this point but online only, I was too scared to meet him in person and at the time he had hurt his back.
In July we finally met up for out date and it was love at first sight. I'd never felt anything like the kisses he gave and from that day on wards we have never been apart for more than a few nights at a time and I was moved in with him after only two months of being together. I'm happy to answer questions about that and one day go into more detail but for now back to KR; We started getting in touch a bit more and texting all the time and he admitted he has always loved me and will wait for me all his life. I still love him, but it is a totally different love to T but that doesn't mean I'm not tempted to see what it would feel like to kiss KR.
Anyway again (getting off side tracked). He has been very depressed for the last few weeks, he gets bouts of it anyway but this has been loads worse, he keeps going to tell me what is the cause of it, but he stops himself at the last minute and I suspect it is this thing between us still, or maybe I'm being too focused on myself. Last week when I was extremely down, so was he and we were texting lots. Today he text me to ask me if I am busy tomorrow and if he can come and spend the day with me, he doesn't care what we do but he just needs to try to be happy. I agreed to it and I admit I'm a little worried but also excited, it will be nice having him round for the day. I so miss him, he makes me laugh so much. It isn't definite yet, just a maybe but he seems very keen on sharing the day with me and Angel.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Expected, Unexpected Amazingness.
Today has been a very odd day of unexpected amazingness (don't care that it isn't a real word, it is now).
This might be a quick brief account as I'm a little rushed tonight.
The plan for today was to go out up to the post box and to pick up a prescription from the doctors and get it from the chemist. The added fearful part was doing it with a friend. After reading yesterdays blog she decided that we would start slow and small and do that much together. I was a bit nervous but got everything ready the night before, the bags and my meds and clothes, all ready. So when I woke up (a lot later than anticipated) this morning, I just had to throw my clothes on, feed Angel and myself (Kinda) and brush teeth and do my hair, which I planned to spend a little bit more time over in the hope of making it my relaxation, preparation, like putting on war paint I guess. By the time we went out my meds hadn't kicked in properly but I felt okay and we walked to the post box, I broke it down into small things, getting to one goal, then another. From there through the little park then up to the doctors. I strangely didn't panic in the doctors even with how hot it was and we then went round to the chemist, I got my prescription, sat waiting perfectly happily chatting away and then I decided I wanted to go further. My friend was going into town and I had remembered to bring the bread for the ducks so we all went into the big park and Phia (my friend K's daughter) and Angel fed the ducks. It was fun and I felt confident enough to carry on. We got into town and went on a little adventure, looking around a few places I haven't been before. They were very beautiful and I coped fine (with the help of meds) and enjoyed the adventuring. From there we went into a bank, these for some reason usually make me panicky but I was okay and from there I went off on my own to get a few hair things and met back up with K not long after. We had a look in a 3 story clothes shop and I was fine in the lift, up the top and then on the first floor. Payed then went outside. We walked down to the supermarket to get some shopping we both needed, was feeling a little anxious but I reassured her that once we'd done the shopping we would be heading back into far less busy streets to get home. Supermarkets are usually terrifying to me, but I whipped round and got what I wanted and then payed. (the self service makes it easier for me). We walked home through the park again and I let Angel out of her pram to walk which she enjoyed.
We had lunch then Angel went to sleep and I ended up feeling so tired, I fell asleep on my computer. So i decided to scrap work and have an hour off to just lay down on the sofa and play games on my phone.
Angel was a little moody and clingy this evening and I just put it down to her being tired but after putting her to bed, she kept crying and not going to sleep. I suspected something wasn't right, I just know these things sometimes. She finally went off and then fifteen mins later or less I heard a noise over the monitor, (a noise Emetophobics know and immediately panic over). I didn't panic. I looked at the screen and Angel was sitting up holding her hands out and crying. I dropped everything I was doing, knowing that pose from when I used to look after my sister. T was already in bed asleep due to having a rough day and still catching up on sleep and i went into Angels room, turned on the light and confirmed my suspicions. I called T but I knew if I needed to I could do this alone. I cleaned up her hands and she was sick a bit more, getting very very upset about it, especially as it had woken her up. T cleaned Angel up while I cleaned the bed and the mess. I was a little shaky but I didn't feel sick myself and I didn't panic. I didn't avoid Angel in case she has something catching, I went straight to her and held her and told her I was there. And for the first time in my life, I really was there, not somewhere in my mind panicking.
She had major cuddle time with mummy and daddy both the same and she is now asleep again. T almost cried with how proud of me he was which was lovely.
We suspect that it is the lactose in her diet that we have upped that has upset her, but if it is a bug and I will catch it. I guess, I'll just have to cope. What other choice do I have? As long as I am at home, in my safe space, I will be terrified and hate it but I will cope.
This might be a quick brief account as I'm a little rushed tonight.
The plan for today was to go out up to the post box and to pick up a prescription from the doctors and get it from the chemist. The added fearful part was doing it with a friend. After reading yesterdays blog she decided that we would start slow and small and do that much together. I was a bit nervous but got everything ready the night before, the bags and my meds and clothes, all ready. So when I woke up (a lot later than anticipated) this morning, I just had to throw my clothes on, feed Angel and myself (Kinda) and brush teeth and do my hair, which I planned to spend a little bit more time over in the hope of making it my relaxation, preparation, like putting on war paint I guess. By the time we went out my meds hadn't kicked in properly but I felt okay and we walked to the post box, I broke it down into small things, getting to one goal, then another. From there through the little park then up to the doctors. I strangely didn't panic in the doctors even with how hot it was and we then went round to the chemist, I got my prescription, sat waiting perfectly happily chatting away and then I decided I wanted to go further. My friend was going into town and I had remembered to bring the bread for the ducks so we all went into the big park and Phia (my friend K's daughter) and Angel fed the ducks. It was fun and I felt confident enough to carry on. We got into town and went on a little adventure, looking around a few places I haven't been before. They were very beautiful and I coped fine (with the help of meds) and enjoyed the adventuring. From there we went into a bank, these for some reason usually make me panicky but I was okay and from there I went off on my own to get a few hair things and met back up with K not long after. We had a look in a 3 story clothes shop and I was fine in the lift, up the top and then on the first floor. Payed then went outside. We walked down to the supermarket to get some shopping we both needed, was feeling a little anxious but I reassured her that once we'd done the shopping we would be heading back into far less busy streets to get home. Supermarkets are usually terrifying to me, but I whipped round and got what I wanted and then payed. (the self service makes it easier for me). We walked home through the park again and I let Angel out of her pram to walk which she enjoyed.
We had lunch then Angel went to sleep and I ended up feeling so tired, I fell asleep on my computer. So i decided to scrap work and have an hour off to just lay down on the sofa and play games on my phone.
Angel was a little moody and clingy this evening and I just put it down to her being tired but after putting her to bed, she kept crying and not going to sleep. I suspected something wasn't right, I just know these things sometimes. She finally went off and then fifteen mins later or less I heard a noise over the monitor, (a noise Emetophobics know and immediately panic over). I didn't panic. I looked at the screen and Angel was sitting up holding her hands out and crying. I dropped everything I was doing, knowing that pose from when I used to look after my sister. T was already in bed asleep due to having a rough day and still catching up on sleep and i went into Angels room, turned on the light and confirmed my suspicions. I called T but I knew if I needed to I could do this alone. I cleaned up her hands and she was sick a bit more, getting very very upset about it, especially as it had woken her up. T cleaned Angel up while I cleaned the bed and the mess. I was a little shaky but I didn't feel sick myself and I didn't panic. I didn't avoid Angel in case she has something catching, I went straight to her and held her and told her I was there. And for the first time in my life, I really was there, not somewhere in my mind panicking.
She had major cuddle time with mummy and daddy both the same and she is now asleep again. T almost cried with how proud of me he was which was lovely.
We suspect that it is the lactose in her diet that we have upped that has upset her, but if it is a bug and I will catch it. I guess, I'll just have to cope. What other choice do I have? As long as I am at home, in my safe space, I will be terrified and hate it but I will cope.
Monday, 14 May 2012
A war with my head
Firstly apologies if this blog entry makes absolutely no sense, I'm on very low sleep and I'm not very well.
Last night I did some hypnotherapy sessions and had a long evening cuddled up with my husband watching True Blood. I didn't want to go to bed, knowing I'd be alone with Angel today and knowing I need to make an appointment at the dentist. Eventually we went up to bed at eleven but my body refused to let me go to sleep because of panic until gone one. So this morning was a real effort to wake up at 7. I ended up getting up and having a shower and coffee to get my mind going. Once I did get going I was okay, but it's really hitting me now; I think anyway. I've been fighting off a low level earache, sore throat, and cough for a few weeks now but they don't seem to get worse and they never seem to go either.
After I had gotten my butt moving this morning and managed to persuade Angel that we should go out and not stay in and annoy the guinea-pigs (or wheet wheets, so she calls them) all day. It was a little damp out so I put on Angel's weather suit and took mittens with me. Got everything ready to go and we left. The walk up to the post box was panicky. But once I got to the post box I wanted to go further, I was just terrified of doing so because my tummy wasn't feeling so good. Sometimes it's so hard to work out what is caused my the anxiety and what is real. But so often to play it safe, in case I am really ill, I tend to go home again, then I get back and am fine. So I posted the letter then we went into the little park which is almost always empty. I felt better in there because it was so quiet and the birds were singing. I pushed to go onto the main road, then walked along debating whether to cross over and go further, go to the shops I was aiming to go for. I was feeling icky and anxious but something in me made me go. I crossed over and didn't let myself think about going back until I got almost to the shops and my panic attack really hit me hard. I haven't had one that bad in a long long while. I ended up calling T and he talked me down a bit and suggested I take some aconite which I hadn't even thought of in my panic. I took some and we talked then I walked back around to the main road that the shops are on and set the goal of at least going into Gregg's despite the smell and the food, to get Angel some lunch. After that I felt a little more relaxed, The panic tried to come back as I crossed the road to go into the shop i needed but once I got inside, getting the bits I needed distracted me and I suspect the aconite and lorazapam started working together. I got what I wanted and then we walked back towards home, stopping off at a chemist to pick up some lucozade tablets to try and perk me up in the mornings. Its' worth a go. We then went back into the little park and sat down on a bench together to eat some lunch.
I got through the day by setting myself a to do list to work through and keeping at it, even if my depression tried to get me. I phones myself and made my dentist appointment for Thursday morning. Trying to hold back how I feel about that until nearer the time, things are hard enough.
Tomorrow I was supposed to be going out with a friend and her little girl. But with the way I am right now, I don't think I'm up to it. Today proves that i need to work harder again. I really really want to do these things but I think sometimes I get ahead of myself, wanting to do them so much I do when I'm not yet ready or capable of them.
Tomorrow I have at least the goal of getting to the doctors to pick up a prescription an getting it from the chemist. I would love to have a friend to do little things like that with but maybe I'm not ready for friends to accompany me yet :( Why am I so scared of being with an extra person, especially a friend that I trust and care for? I am scared that I will be sick in front of them and them think I'm ugly and disgusting for it. I won't let anyone even my husband see me like that, I don't want anyone to see me so fucked up like that. Again I'm wanting things before I'm ready for them I guess. I just miss being so close to someone its like sisters.
I'm going on and I need to get going to get something done before I pass out, which won't be long.
xxx
Last night I did some hypnotherapy sessions and had a long evening cuddled up with my husband watching True Blood. I didn't want to go to bed, knowing I'd be alone with Angel today and knowing I need to make an appointment at the dentist. Eventually we went up to bed at eleven but my body refused to let me go to sleep because of panic until gone one. So this morning was a real effort to wake up at 7. I ended up getting up and having a shower and coffee to get my mind going. Once I did get going I was okay, but it's really hitting me now; I think anyway. I've been fighting off a low level earache, sore throat, and cough for a few weeks now but they don't seem to get worse and they never seem to go either.
After I had gotten my butt moving this morning and managed to persuade Angel that we should go out and not stay in and annoy the guinea-pigs (or wheet wheets, so she calls them) all day. It was a little damp out so I put on Angel's weather suit and took mittens with me. Got everything ready to go and we left. The walk up to the post box was panicky. But once I got to the post box I wanted to go further, I was just terrified of doing so because my tummy wasn't feeling so good. Sometimes it's so hard to work out what is caused my the anxiety and what is real. But so often to play it safe, in case I am really ill, I tend to go home again, then I get back and am fine. So I posted the letter then we went into the little park which is almost always empty. I felt better in there because it was so quiet and the birds were singing. I pushed to go onto the main road, then walked along debating whether to cross over and go further, go to the shops I was aiming to go for. I was feeling icky and anxious but something in me made me go. I crossed over and didn't let myself think about going back until I got almost to the shops and my panic attack really hit me hard. I haven't had one that bad in a long long while. I ended up calling T and he talked me down a bit and suggested I take some aconite which I hadn't even thought of in my panic. I took some and we talked then I walked back around to the main road that the shops are on and set the goal of at least going into Gregg's despite the smell and the food, to get Angel some lunch. After that I felt a little more relaxed, The panic tried to come back as I crossed the road to go into the shop i needed but once I got inside, getting the bits I needed distracted me and I suspect the aconite and lorazapam started working together. I got what I wanted and then we walked back towards home, stopping off at a chemist to pick up some lucozade tablets to try and perk me up in the mornings. Its' worth a go. We then went back into the little park and sat down on a bench together to eat some lunch.
I got through the day by setting myself a to do list to work through and keeping at it, even if my depression tried to get me. I phones myself and made my dentist appointment for Thursday morning. Trying to hold back how I feel about that until nearer the time, things are hard enough.
Tomorrow I was supposed to be going out with a friend and her little girl. But with the way I am right now, I don't think I'm up to it. Today proves that i need to work harder again. I really really want to do these things but I think sometimes I get ahead of myself, wanting to do them so much I do when I'm not yet ready or capable of them.
Tomorrow I have at least the goal of getting to the doctors to pick up a prescription an getting it from the chemist. I would love to have a friend to do little things like that with but maybe I'm not ready for friends to accompany me yet :( Why am I so scared of being with an extra person, especially a friend that I trust and care for? I am scared that I will be sick in front of them and them think I'm ugly and disgusting for it. I won't let anyone even my husband see me like that, I don't want anyone to see me so fucked up like that. Again I'm wanting things before I'm ready for them I guess. I just miss being so close to someone its like sisters.
I'm going on and I need to get going to get something done before I pass out, which won't be long.
xxx
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Down
I didn't end up getting the time to write my blog yesterday, I was kept busy with re-editing my first novel.
We didn't end up going very far, we decided to go for a short drive up the road to the retail park to pick up a few things from one of the shops there. We brought Angel a sandpit and some play sand which she's absolutely fascinated by. I didn't take lorazapam for going out and we weren't out for long. At first I was fine then I began to panic and ended up digging my nails into my skin and twanging my elastic bands. I was very irritable all day yesterday and I put it down to, or rather hoped it was because I was coming out of my low phase and going into a more upswing or manic phase.
However today, I started irritable and through one thing and another my mood is now back to feeling suicidal and wanting to hurt myself. I can't concentrate on anything and I just want to lie down and give up. I'm so tired of fighting this same battle.
We'd planned to go somewhere special today but with the weather being so nice we decided to go somewhere out doors instead. However T and Angel seemed on a major go slow and by the time we were ready to leave, we'd have only had an hour before we needed to come home, so we decided to stay home and play outside instead. It was nice but unfortunately I am now terrified of going out tomorrow after a quiet weekend, mostly in.
This morning I also realized that I need to go back to the dentist to have some little bits of work done. I'm not sure what's happening with one of the teeth but it looks very bad and like it might need removing. Why couldn't this have happened when I was coping better? It might have knocked me back but it wouldn't have sat on my head when I'm already down. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, I'm not even sure how I will get through tomorrow. I guess it's just taking it a moment at a time, but even that seems hard when a moment feels like it lasts for an hour and the addiction gnaws at me and there isn't very much stopping me from taking that control.
So yeah, as you might have guessed, I'm in a shitty place right now, can't see the end of the tunnel yet, even when I do bother to look for it. I want to wallow in my depression and hurt. I am that self-centered.
We didn't end up going very far, we decided to go for a short drive up the road to the retail park to pick up a few things from one of the shops there. We brought Angel a sandpit and some play sand which she's absolutely fascinated by. I didn't take lorazapam for going out and we weren't out for long. At first I was fine then I began to panic and ended up digging my nails into my skin and twanging my elastic bands. I was very irritable all day yesterday and I put it down to, or rather hoped it was because I was coming out of my low phase and going into a more upswing or manic phase.
However today, I started irritable and through one thing and another my mood is now back to feeling suicidal and wanting to hurt myself. I can't concentrate on anything and I just want to lie down and give up. I'm so tired of fighting this same battle.
We'd planned to go somewhere special today but with the weather being so nice we decided to go somewhere out doors instead. However T and Angel seemed on a major go slow and by the time we were ready to leave, we'd have only had an hour before we needed to come home, so we decided to stay home and play outside instead. It was nice but unfortunately I am now terrified of going out tomorrow after a quiet weekend, mostly in.
This morning I also realized that I need to go back to the dentist to have some little bits of work done. I'm not sure what's happening with one of the teeth but it looks very bad and like it might need removing. Why couldn't this have happened when I was coping better? It might have knocked me back but it wouldn't have sat on my head when I'm already down. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, I'm not even sure how I will get through tomorrow. I guess it's just taking it a moment at a time, but even that seems hard when a moment feels like it lasts for an hour and the addiction gnaws at me and there isn't very much stopping me from taking that control.
So yeah, as you might have guessed, I'm in a shitty place right now, can't see the end of the tunnel yet, even when I do bother to look for it. I want to wallow in my depression and hurt. I am that self-centered.
Friday, 11 May 2012
Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
This morning some people from the mental health team were supposed to be coming around. I didn't want them here, I didn't want to have to deal with their crap and I was nervous about it. However I was planning to have the meet up and go out for a walk to the postbox with Angel before they got here.
A man called an hour before they were supposed to be arriving and told me that they weren't coming anymore because the lady that was supposed to be coming out called in ill today. I was relieved, with my mood being as low as it is, I didn't want to deal with their pigeon holing or their shitty 'attempt' at helping me. FFing helping me, yeah right everything I have ever achieved has been off my own back. All the professionals are there for are to prescribe me meds and try to fuck me up further it seems. So yeah, I was relieved.
I took some lorazapam, realizing that this is the best opportunity to go out before it gets too late. I set myself the goal of going up to the postbox and taking it from there. Although in the back of my mind I set the goal of going a lot further.
I got ready and had to persuade Angel to come out with me, she was quite happily settled in the dining room at the table typing on Daddies keyboard. We finally got out the door and left T at home working. I got up to the postbox, taking the most direct route to save me plenty of time for going further. I then walked through my little park and out onto the main road where it was quite busy. The sun kept popping in and out which was nice, and Angel was happily munching away on her fruit snack. I got up to the post office and rang T to ask what stamps he wanted from there. I think he was surprised that I had walked up there let alone I was asking what he needed me to go in and get for him. I went in, stayed calm and brought the stamps he needed.
I didn't even consider going back home at this point. I continued onward, over the bridge and along the very long road, mostly just topping Angel's snacks up and enjoying walking outside in the air and occasional sun.
It took about half an hour to get to the shops I wanted to reach and I felt a little tired after only eating two biscuits and a sip of coffee for breakfast. When we got into the shop I slowed down and worked my way through some plain crisps to get a little more energy. T was very very surprised when I rang to ask him about rabbit hutches and told him where I was. He came to the shop to join us but in the time it took for him to drive there Angel was beginning to act up in hunger. So I did something I have NEVER done before on my own. I took her into the supermarket cafe, brought her some lunch, got her out of the stroller and into the highchair and gave her lunch in public - without feeling anxious. T came and found us about ten minutes after we'd sat down and he looks surprised to see me sitting so calm in the cafe, nibbling Angel's lunch and talking away to our daughter.
I suggested that I go off around the supermarket and get the food things we needed to hold us over until our next big shop, while T stayed with Angel and tried to get her to eat. He agreed and I went off with a basket, wondering around and grabbing what we needed. I then used the self checkout and went back into the resteraunt. T left me with Angel while he went to order his food and I finished off the half a sandwich Angel didn't want. I even ate yellow sweetcorn in the sandwich without worrying about it. T then came back over to the table with a bowl of chips, a panini, a HUGE cappuccino to share and a large vanilla milkshake. I acted like a totally normal human person thing. I sipped the hot coffee and dipped my finger into the chocolate sprinkles on the top to suck the off my finger. I ate chips, dipped in sauce, like a normal person and I drank lots of milkshake (I have a bit of a sore throat so it was lovely and soothing). Angel didn't end up eating much but I surprised us all by eating as much as I did and with no anxiety about it, even travelling home.
So the going out was an overall win today, although I was on 3/4 lorazapam. I keep getting told that I'm being to hard on myself and that it isn't just down to the lorazapam while I'm able to do things like today. And I have to agree that I could feel the push to go and do it was me, the desire to was me. But the actually being able to do it, to stay calm and be 'normal' wasn't.
I was going to write a lot more but I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I apologize to all those that might feel I'm pushing away at the moment.
'Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.'
A man called an hour before they were supposed to be arriving and told me that they weren't coming anymore because the lady that was supposed to be coming out called in ill today. I was relieved, with my mood being as low as it is, I didn't want to deal with their pigeon holing or their shitty 'attempt' at helping me. FFing helping me, yeah right everything I have ever achieved has been off my own back. All the professionals are there for are to prescribe me meds and try to fuck me up further it seems. So yeah, I was relieved.
I took some lorazapam, realizing that this is the best opportunity to go out before it gets too late. I set myself the goal of going up to the postbox and taking it from there. Although in the back of my mind I set the goal of going a lot further.
I got ready and had to persuade Angel to come out with me, she was quite happily settled in the dining room at the table typing on Daddies keyboard. We finally got out the door and left T at home working. I got up to the postbox, taking the most direct route to save me plenty of time for going further. I then walked through my little park and out onto the main road where it was quite busy. The sun kept popping in and out which was nice, and Angel was happily munching away on her fruit snack. I got up to the post office and rang T to ask what stamps he wanted from there. I think he was surprised that I had walked up there let alone I was asking what he needed me to go in and get for him. I went in, stayed calm and brought the stamps he needed.
I didn't even consider going back home at this point. I continued onward, over the bridge and along the very long road, mostly just topping Angel's snacks up and enjoying walking outside in the air and occasional sun.
It took about half an hour to get to the shops I wanted to reach and I felt a little tired after only eating two biscuits and a sip of coffee for breakfast. When we got into the shop I slowed down and worked my way through some plain crisps to get a little more energy. T was very very surprised when I rang to ask him about rabbit hutches and told him where I was. He came to the shop to join us but in the time it took for him to drive there Angel was beginning to act up in hunger. So I did something I have NEVER done before on my own. I took her into the supermarket cafe, brought her some lunch, got her out of the stroller and into the highchair and gave her lunch in public - without feeling anxious. T came and found us about ten minutes after we'd sat down and he looks surprised to see me sitting so calm in the cafe, nibbling Angel's lunch and talking away to our daughter.
I suggested that I go off around the supermarket and get the food things we needed to hold us over until our next big shop, while T stayed with Angel and tried to get her to eat. He agreed and I went off with a basket, wondering around and grabbing what we needed. I then used the self checkout and went back into the resteraunt. T left me with Angel while he went to order his food and I finished off the half a sandwich Angel didn't want. I even ate yellow sweetcorn in the sandwich without worrying about it. T then came back over to the table with a bowl of chips, a panini, a HUGE cappuccino to share and a large vanilla milkshake. I acted like a totally normal human person thing. I sipped the hot coffee and dipped my finger into the chocolate sprinkles on the top to suck the off my finger. I ate chips, dipped in sauce, like a normal person and I drank lots of milkshake (I have a bit of a sore throat so it was lovely and soothing). Angel didn't end up eating much but I surprised us all by eating as much as I did and with no anxiety about it, even travelling home.
So the going out was an overall win today, although I was on 3/4 lorazapam. I keep getting told that I'm being to hard on myself and that it isn't just down to the lorazapam while I'm able to do things like today. And I have to agree that I could feel the push to go and do it was me, the desire to was me. But the actually being able to do it, to stay calm and be 'normal' wasn't.
I was going to write a lot more but I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I apologize to all those that might feel I'm pushing away at the moment.
'Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.'
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Headlights
Last night I ended up sleeping downstairs I felt so unwell, thankfully I made myself a little nest so I was warm and felt safe. This morning I woke up dreading feeling ill still and unfortunately I still have the low level nausea coming and going.
I don't know what snapped in me when or where but I know for one reason or another I have gone downhill. T basically bullied me into getting two biscuits into me this morning, I just didn't feel like eating. He told me that he was going to work and I had to take Angel out for a walk, at least to the post box. He went out and I got us ready, slow because I only have a slow setting today. I felt numb and I kept thinking if I hurt myself before I go out I'll cope better. I was willing to hurt myself in just the next room to Angel which has always been something I wouldn't do unless I'm bad enough to not know what I'm doing. But I made myself go out before I could. I walked around with Angel in the stroller, to the post box, through the park and then back along the streets. The thoughts in my mind weren't I need to push myself to get better, or for Angel. My thoughts were I need to push myself to make myself hurt, to go through crap and torture and if I'm sick outside then it serves me right and I deserve it, almost hoping it would happen so I would feel the worst kind of thing I fear.
It was when we were nearly home that I released just how low I got and how much I needed to get home. I don't know what I was thinking or why but I walked out in front of a car, pushing Angel out of the way so it would hit me. Hoping it would hit me, but knowing it wouldn't be going quick enough to kill me and feeling disappointed about that. I don't know what made me come back to myself but I seemed to snap back and moved to where Angel was in safety. Thankfully we were nearly home and I got us back right away, knowing I would do it again and next time I might not move.
I have no idea what has made me so low but I know I'm not entirely safe right now. I also know that somewhere inside me I don't really want to leave. I love Angel and T and I want to stay with them. It's just finding that through the darkness that's gathered. All I can think about it cutting myself. I know I need to tell T but I don't want him to know how weak I am. It took enough confidence to write it on here.
The more I snap and shout at Angel the more angry I feel at myself and the more angry I get the more snappy I get. I keep making her cry and the only person I want to make cry is me. I don' deserve her or T.
I don't know what snapped in me when or where but I know for one reason or another I have gone downhill. T basically bullied me into getting two biscuits into me this morning, I just didn't feel like eating. He told me that he was going to work and I had to take Angel out for a walk, at least to the post box. He went out and I got us ready, slow because I only have a slow setting today. I felt numb and I kept thinking if I hurt myself before I go out I'll cope better. I was willing to hurt myself in just the next room to Angel which has always been something I wouldn't do unless I'm bad enough to not know what I'm doing. But I made myself go out before I could. I walked around with Angel in the stroller, to the post box, through the park and then back along the streets. The thoughts in my mind weren't I need to push myself to get better, or for Angel. My thoughts were I need to push myself to make myself hurt, to go through crap and torture and if I'm sick outside then it serves me right and I deserve it, almost hoping it would happen so I would feel the worst kind of thing I fear.
It was when we were nearly home that I released just how low I got and how much I needed to get home. I don't know what I was thinking or why but I walked out in front of a car, pushing Angel out of the way so it would hit me. Hoping it would hit me, but knowing it wouldn't be going quick enough to kill me and feeling disappointed about that. I don't know what made me come back to myself but I seemed to snap back and moved to where Angel was in safety. Thankfully we were nearly home and I got us back right away, knowing I would do it again and next time I might not move.
I have no idea what has made me so low but I know I'm not entirely safe right now. I also know that somewhere inside me I don't really want to leave. I love Angel and T and I want to stay with them. It's just finding that through the darkness that's gathered. All I can think about it cutting myself. I know I need to tell T but I don't want him to know how weak I am. It took enough confidence to write it on here.
The more I snap and shout at Angel the more angry I feel at myself and the more angry I get the more snappy I get. I keep making her cry and the only person I want to make cry is me. I don' deserve her or T.
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
New hair, I'm ready for the fall
Last night I spent a while online looking for ideas for how to have my hair cut today. I went online and looked up some pictures then found some that I hadn't even considered but I fell in love with. I had intended to have my hair feathered onto my face but the damage to my hair was too extensive and I ended up having about 8 inches off. I'm a bit upset about having to lose so much but it needed doing, and it feels so much better now, feels in great condition, not one split end. I have had a completely different style to any that I've had before and I'm still getting used to it. A friend has told me this evening that I look completely different which is nice, i needed a change and I'm looking forward to growing it out more again and this time I'm starting from my hair being in far better condition.
Before the hairdresser came I was a bit of a nervous wreck, I'm not sure why but for the last 3-4 days I've been getting very low level nausea feeling, sometimes I get it when my hormones are out of sync or its that time of the month (it feels a lot like pregnancy nausea, which sets of my emetophobia and my PTSD) this time it isn't either of those unless it's IBS.
So anyway, I took lorazapam but because it was a physical feeling it didn't help it much, just helped me cope with it. I did think about cancelling but I really really wanted to get it done.
After the hairdresser had been I hoovered up then I was intending to use the lorazapam I had in my system to take Angel out to get some hair products or just at least a walk. But I didn't feel up to it. T came home from work early and he took us out in the car, I nearly didn't go, I got in the car sat there and almost decided it was too much and came back in the house. I stuck it out and got out of the car there and split up from T with Angel on mu own, even though I didn't feel well and I was very anxious.
My tummy still feels unhappy and I know if I'm like this tomorrow I won't get out again and then again and I will go backwards and stop being able to go out again. I need to lay down and do some relaxation, have a cup of tea which usually helps, take a colofac and cut myself. All of those might help. The need to hurt myself is growing again, it doesn't let up for long and I don't mind. I anticipate it.
What was supposed to be a very positive day has turned negative and although I'm happy with my new hair, I don't feel I have the confidence to go out and show it off or even wear it styled how I was shown to do it.
Oh yea and I have to see the mental health team at home on Friday morning alone without T. I intend to make a list with him of what we want to talk about but I just feel weak and if I'm like this then, I know I will let them walk all over me again and goodness knows what I'll admit to, and what they will want to do.
I'm ready for the fall.
Before the hairdresser came I was a bit of a nervous wreck, I'm not sure why but for the last 3-4 days I've been getting very low level nausea feeling, sometimes I get it when my hormones are out of sync or its that time of the month (it feels a lot like pregnancy nausea, which sets of my emetophobia and my PTSD) this time it isn't either of those unless it's IBS.
So anyway, I took lorazapam but because it was a physical feeling it didn't help it much, just helped me cope with it. I did think about cancelling but I really really wanted to get it done.
After the hairdresser had been I hoovered up then I was intending to use the lorazapam I had in my system to take Angel out to get some hair products or just at least a walk. But I didn't feel up to it. T came home from work early and he took us out in the car, I nearly didn't go, I got in the car sat there and almost decided it was too much and came back in the house. I stuck it out and got out of the car there and split up from T with Angel on mu own, even though I didn't feel well and I was very anxious.
My tummy still feels unhappy and I know if I'm like this tomorrow I won't get out again and then again and I will go backwards and stop being able to go out again. I need to lay down and do some relaxation, have a cup of tea which usually helps, take a colofac and cut myself. All of those might help. The need to hurt myself is growing again, it doesn't let up for long and I don't mind. I anticipate it.
What was supposed to be a very positive day has turned negative and although I'm happy with my new hair, I don't feel I have the confidence to go out and show it off or even wear it styled how I was shown to do it.
Oh yea and I have to see the mental health team at home on Friday morning alone without T. I intend to make a list with him of what we want to talk about but I just feel weak and if I'm like this then, I know I will let them walk all over me again and goodness knows what I'll admit to, and what they will want to do.
I'm ready for the fall.
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Denim and pink shoes
Today I got dressed in my normal clothes then decided that to feel more confident it might help to dress more confidently. So I took off my usual jeans, trainers and tops and put on a pair of light denim skinny jeans, a pink long-sleeve top with a short-sleeve one over the top and my favorite denim and pink shoes/trainers. My William shoes! (William is a character from my books).
I got Angel and I ready and T went out to work so we decided to walk to the post box and I got some bread ready to go feed the ducks too. We started walking and I took Angel of foot rather than in her stroller, which was a mistake because she kept tripping up and trying to claw her way into my arms every time a ca came past - I think that is a side effect of being in Norfolk and not going out apart from the funeral where she would have been carried and inside so no normal time out for 4 days. We ended up posting the letters then coming back to pick up her pram and go back out. I have a problem with going back out again once I've gotten home though, my mind is so used to coming home and that being 'the battle over' so we can now eat and relax. I was feeling more uncomfortable but made myself go out, and we walked around the block and that was all but I made myself go out the second time to prove to myself that I can. We then came home and played with her dolls house, she helped me with the washing and then we fed the rabbit. It was lunch time then and we sat down to eat. A friend unexpectedly turned up and it was a lovely surprise, usually I would panic because I was eating but I find her strangely comforting and felt relaxed after only a few minutes. She stayed a while which I was glad about because the girls where having a nice time playing and we were chatting :D It was also her first challenge after a bit of a bad patch and an unannounced visit after not being here for a very long time so very brave of her.
Angel had a good sleep and I sat outside in the garden finishing off her dolly and doing some knitting. T ended up having a sleep in the sofa as he was feeling wiped out still from the weekend. I made sure that I was quiet getting Angel up after her sleep and we played upstairs for a while then came downstairs and played outside with her friend. I felt quite anxious, panicky when I was out there, but Angel was having fun and T was sleeping so I stuck with it, twanging my bands a little and digging my nails in a little but nothing more and after a drink I calmed down and enjoyed it.
Angel is in bed now and I'm just typing away before I have to get the washing up done and then I can maybe get some writing in. Although I'm worrying about about tomorrow. For a normal person it wouldn't we worry worthy at all. I'm getting my hair cut, not having my eyes pulled out or my arms torn off.
Last time I had my hair cut by a professional in the home (the hairdresser is coming out to me) was before we got married over 3 years ago. Last time I had my hair done before that was in a salon over 8 years ago. Getting my hair cut for me is a little like the dentist, the sitting still and having someone else touching me, okay it isn't in my mouth but I still can't move. What if I feel ill? Well the answer is, I can't so F off panic. I WANT my hair cut. Yes it's a big challenge especially with T being out at work and having Angel but I can do this and I will.
Yep readers I'm still me, haven't had a brain transplant or anything. It the shoes!!!!!
I got Angel and I ready and T went out to work so we decided to walk to the post box and I got some bread ready to go feed the ducks too. We started walking and I took Angel of foot rather than in her stroller, which was a mistake because she kept tripping up and trying to claw her way into my arms every time a ca came past - I think that is a side effect of being in Norfolk and not going out apart from the funeral where she would have been carried and inside so no normal time out for 4 days. We ended up posting the letters then coming back to pick up her pram and go back out. I have a problem with going back out again once I've gotten home though, my mind is so used to coming home and that being 'the battle over' so we can now eat and relax. I was feeling more uncomfortable but made myself go out, and we walked around the block and that was all but I made myself go out the second time to prove to myself that I can. We then came home and played with her dolls house, she helped me with the washing and then we fed the rabbit. It was lunch time then and we sat down to eat. A friend unexpectedly turned up and it was a lovely surprise, usually I would panic because I was eating but I find her strangely comforting and felt relaxed after only a few minutes. She stayed a while which I was glad about because the girls where having a nice time playing and we were chatting :D It was also her first challenge after a bit of a bad patch and an unannounced visit after not being here for a very long time so very brave of her.
Angel had a good sleep and I sat outside in the garden finishing off her dolly and doing some knitting. T ended up having a sleep in the sofa as he was feeling wiped out still from the weekend. I made sure that I was quiet getting Angel up after her sleep and we played upstairs for a while then came downstairs and played outside with her friend. I felt quite anxious, panicky when I was out there, but Angel was having fun and T was sleeping so I stuck with it, twanging my bands a little and digging my nails in a little but nothing more and after a drink I calmed down and enjoyed it.
Angel is in bed now and I'm just typing away before I have to get the washing up done and then I can maybe get some writing in. Although I'm worrying about about tomorrow. For a normal person it wouldn't we worry worthy at all. I'm getting my hair cut, not having my eyes pulled out or my arms torn off.
Last time I had my hair cut by a professional in the home (the hairdresser is coming out to me) was before we got married over 3 years ago. Last time I had my hair done before that was in a salon over 8 years ago. Getting my hair cut for me is a little like the dentist, the sitting still and having someone else touching me, okay it isn't in my mouth but I still can't move. What if I feel ill? Well the answer is, I can't so F off panic. I WANT my hair cut. Yes it's a big challenge especially with T being out at work and having Angel but I can do this and I will.
Yep readers I'm still me, haven't had a brain transplant or anything. It the shoes!!!!!
Monday, 7 May 2012
1st day back to normal
Last night when T and Angel came home, I was so relieved and happy, yes I did cry a bit. It felt so odd and I felt completely displaced and confused by the change. But we got Angel to bed and watching her sleep and then just cuddling with T made my night. I went about unpacking all of their bags, doing the washing, the washing-up, tidying, animal feeding, mopping floors, and general cleaning and felt a lot better, a lot more grounded and more like my proper self.
Today has almost passed by in a blur. My meds seem to be knocking me out for longer and longer each morning which is irritating. Apart from waking from a nightmare for all of two minutes, I slept so deeply that I wasn't even aware when Angel woke up and T had to get her up and take her downstairs. I don't even remember waking up now, but obviously I must have. I vaguely remember T and Angel damn near poking and jumping on me to wake me. It's beginning to get to me now. I want to be awake and ready to go when Angel is, not three hours later going at snails speed. It's not at all like me and I hate that T has to do the morning stuff and the night wake-ups because I'm not even awake enough to register them. Bit pissed off with them right now, feel like a slave to them and over the next 4 days I HAVE to be up early because of T going to work. Tonight I'm trying an experiment, I have taken the meds early at half past 8 and I'm hoping that that might help me wake up in the morning without someone having to take a hammer to my head, however the downside is, if it does work, i'm getting tired already now which means I will lose a big portion of my night to them. Grrrr FFing Meds and i miss my manic phases *Stamps foot like a toddler*
Anyway today we wanted to of and do something as a family. T reminded me that the shopping hadn't been done because of them being away and we decided that we would go and do that. I took three quarters of lorazapam after the dreams I'd been having, more emetophobic ones as well as other nightmares. I was feeling quite unsure and wibbly, we arrived at the big supermarket and I just went inside, despite being terrified and being sure that I didn't feel very well in my tummy. I walked around and tried to do the list, and grabbing food but it was like I kept seeing things that bothered me. I twanged my elastic bands a little but I really went straight for my other wrist and used digging my nails in a distraction. I kept pushing and pushing until I finally began to relax, although I'm sure it was the lorazapam properly kicking in that calmed me. I as then able to push the trolley which was hurting T's knees (I'd chosen a wonky one) and concentrate on what I was doing as well as Angel. T then went to pay while I suggested I take Angel off on my own to look at toys and interesting things to keep her busy. I didn't panic, even though I didn't have the keys. I did realize though as we left that I was mega hungry and wanted anything to eat, guess that's what you get for only having 2 biscuits for breakfast then walking around lots. We went home via McDonalds and I had my own food, some of Angels and then some of T's. An hour later, I was then eating T's homemade chocolate cake, more biscuits and crisps. Then I had my dinner. Now I'm showered and over a strange bout of the shakes which I have no idea when they came from or why. I couldn't even hold cup properly.It wasn't too much sugar or caffeine because I haven't had much at all today.
T is in work all day tomorrow from an early time and I have Angel all day. I have a few ideas for things t do with her this week, whether I get them done I don't know the the ideas are there:
* Walk up to stay and play
* Go to Mothercare to get a few things we need
* Go to somewhere to get a frame for my new canvas
* And the usual posting letters.
I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for stay and play yet but the other things I have done before and the postbox isn't so much of a challenge anymore. On Wednesday I finally got the confidence together to book in a hairdresser to come and do my hair how I've wanted it for ages. I'm still dithering about whether to get it cut or not but I'm not dithering through panic or fear this time particularly (which is why I haven't had it done before now, sitting still to have anything done presses buttons with me) more than I'm worried I'll have it cut and won't like it. :S hmmm One day left to decide.
So tomorrow being the first day, I guess I will see how the evening goes and how awake I'm able to be in the morning and decide what to do then. oh yeah an it depends on the weather a little too. If I get up and it's all sunny and yay then I will be more inclined to want to go out in the sun and push myself harder. But then again if the weather isn't so good then there will be less people around.
I've been wanting to ask my friend if she'd like to try coming with me on my escapades sometimes but I'm still dithering about that too. She'll be reading this at some point anyway I think :) *waves, hello!*
I'm now going to stop worrying and answer my fan mail and then work on the doll that I'm making Angel.
Night night
xxx
Today has almost passed by in a blur. My meds seem to be knocking me out for longer and longer each morning which is irritating. Apart from waking from a nightmare for all of two minutes, I slept so deeply that I wasn't even aware when Angel woke up and T had to get her up and take her downstairs. I don't even remember waking up now, but obviously I must have. I vaguely remember T and Angel damn near poking and jumping on me to wake me. It's beginning to get to me now. I want to be awake and ready to go when Angel is, not three hours later going at snails speed. It's not at all like me and I hate that T has to do the morning stuff and the night wake-ups because I'm not even awake enough to register them. Bit pissed off with them right now, feel like a slave to them and over the next 4 days I HAVE to be up early because of T going to work. Tonight I'm trying an experiment, I have taken the meds early at half past 8 and I'm hoping that that might help me wake up in the morning without someone having to take a hammer to my head, however the downside is, if it does work, i'm getting tired already now which means I will lose a big portion of my night to them. Grrrr FFing Meds and i miss my manic phases *Stamps foot like a toddler*
Anyway today we wanted to of and do something as a family. T reminded me that the shopping hadn't been done because of them being away and we decided that we would go and do that. I took three quarters of lorazapam after the dreams I'd been having, more emetophobic ones as well as other nightmares. I was feeling quite unsure and wibbly, we arrived at the big supermarket and I just went inside, despite being terrified and being sure that I didn't feel very well in my tummy. I walked around and tried to do the list, and grabbing food but it was like I kept seeing things that bothered me. I twanged my elastic bands a little but I really went straight for my other wrist and used digging my nails in a distraction. I kept pushing and pushing until I finally began to relax, although I'm sure it was the lorazapam properly kicking in that calmed me. I as then able to push the trolley which was hurting T's knees (I'd chosen a wonky one) and concentrate on what I was doing as well as Angel. T then went to pay while I suggested I take Angel off on my own to look at toys and interesting things to keep her busy. I didn't panic, even though I didn't have the keys. I did realize though as we left that I was mega hungry and wanted anything to eat, guess that's what you get for only having 2 biscuits for breakfast then walking around lots. We went home via McDonalds and I had my own food, some of Angels and then some of T's. An hour later, I was then eating T's homemade chocolate cake, more biscuits and crisps. Then I had my dinner. Now I'm showered and over a strange bout of the shakes which I have no idea when they came from or why. I couldn't even hold cup properly.It wasn't too much sugar or caffeine because I haven't had much at all today.
T is in work all day tomorrow from an early time and I have Angel all day. I have a few ideas for things t do with her this week, whether I get them done I don't know the the ideas are there:
* Walk up to stay and play
* Go to Mothercare to get a few things we need
* Go to somewhere to get a frame for my new canvas
* And the usual posting letters.
I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for stay and play yet but the other things I have done before and the postbox isn't so much of a challenge anymore. On Wednesday I finally got the confidence together to book in a hairdresser to come and do my hair how I've wanted it for ages. I'm still dithering about whether to get it cut or not but I'm not dithering through panic or fear this time particularly (which is why I haven't had it done before now, sitting still to have anything done presses buttons with me) more than I'm worried I'll have it cut and won't like it. :S hmmm One day left to decide.
So tomorrow being the first day, I guess I will see how the evening goes and how awake I'm able to be in the morning and decide what to do then. oh yeah an it depends on the weather a little too. If I get up and it's all sunny and yay then I will be more inclined to want to go out in the sun and push myself harder. But then again if the weather isn't so good then there will be less people around.
I've been wanting to ask my friend if she'd like to try coming with me on my escapades sometimes but I'm still dithering about that too. She'll be reading this at some point anyway I think :) *waves, hello!*
I'm now going to stop worrying and answer my fan mail and then work on the doll that I'm making Angel.
Night night
xxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)