Last day

Today is the last day before Angel and T go to Norfolk. I still can't get it into my head that it's okay for me not to go. I have T and my two friends telling me it's okay. That this is best and stop torturing myself, but I seem to find it impossible. Even now I sit on the sofa while Angel has her nap, supposed to be working, but I keep thinking, should I go upstairs now and pack my clothes? Shall I pack my things in case I want to go more than stay in the morning? If I don't then I don't have that option. While another part of my mind is planning what I'll eat, what I'll do while I'm here alone. I intend to work most of the time but I also need to push myself to go out. T has set me some tasks to do so I'm all set.
The thought of being alone in the house for four days, is a very odd feeling. I mean it was weird in the hotel but here at home where I usually do everything, it will be very strange indeed.


Onto today then: with it being my last day with Angel before she goes away, i wanted to do something nice. I got a bag of slate bread together and intended to go to the park. I was feeling very anxious this morning but I didn't want to take anything, knowing that I will most likely need lorazapam over the weekend even to stay home, because of pushing myself to go out alone. So I got our things together and got Angel in her new coat then we went. I felt anxious but I concentrated on the things around us and on her and we got to the park, I was very anxious there and my mind tried to play the game of You've got quite a distance before you get home!you'd better rush back. I did the opposite, I slowed down and sat Angel on the bench while I sorted my bag out and thought about what to do next. My goal had been reached so I considered going home. Instead we walked along the main road to the chemist then through the little park where Angel got obsessed by some boys who were playing with a ball. By this point I was feeling calm enough to want to challenge myself further. I'd been wanting to go and visit a friend for a few weeks, but hadn't quite managed to pluck up the courage. So I asked Angel if she would like to, I'm not sure if she knew who I meant but she said yes and I don't like to let her down so we headed in that direction. I had the perfect excuse out of it when Angel announced that she was tired and didn't want to walk anymore, but I just picked her up and continued on.


I only meant to knock on the door, log it in my 4square and say hello and that's it. I knocked on the door and A answered and the dogs and S which was a lovely greeting. We went in, I just went in without thinking, we just felt so welcomed. Having a dog to stroke made me feel more relaxed and the wonderful hug from my friend K. Angel started playing with S and it was so lovely to see her doing something so normal as playing at a friends house. I felt a little anxious for a few minutes but I soon calmed down in the relaxing, welcoming atmosphere and the encouragement and praise I was given. So Angel played while I chatted and we all had a lovely time. Ended up staying about an hour before we had to leave to go home and get lunch. Angel smiled and cuddled me all the way home, too tired to walk but happily tired. 


We had a very surprisingly messy lunch of beef flavored cous cous which I didn't even know was messy. Angel had it in her hair, all over her face, her tray, her highchair, her clothes, up her sleeves, down her top, in her nappy! I couldn't be annoyed about the mess even because it was just so funny. I'd only been in the room a few seconds literally before I was covered too so I run a bath and we both jumped in. Angel got very tired then and I gave her a couple of biscuits to keep her going while I go the travel cot up and her bottle made. 


Now I'm sitting on the sofa, getting ready to submerge myself in my writing.