Yesterday morning I helped and Angel get the last of their things ready then kissed them goodbye and watched them leave. Yes I cried but I didn't cry for as long as I expected, maybe all my crying over the previous week had dried me out.
I decided to go into town to have a look around and get some food in for me in the first few hours which I knew would be the hardest. I felt quite nervous going into town but I had a feeling I would bump into a friend, intuition maybe and I knew i needed to keep myself very busy while I knew it was going to be very hard. The walk in was a little nerve wracking but the 3/4 lorazapam I took was in full swing and I soon calmed down. I looked in various shops and took my time walking around. I brought myself a foot long baguette for lunch for 99p and found a DVD for my book research, as well as some art things for Angel. I did bump into my friend along the way and she almost ran me over in her eagerness to hug me :D it made me smile and in case she's reading this, you didn't scare me.
I then walked down to the supermarket on the way out of town and brought myself some ingredients for dinner and lunches as well as a few ready meals for in case I get so into my writing I don't want to cook. I stayed calm all the way round town and although I wasn't there for anything in particular, I enjoyed just walking around leisurely and listening to my music on my Zen.
Once I got home I surprised myself by eating the WHOLE of my baguette. Then I had a big mug of coffee and sat down at my computer to get on with my work. Unfortunately that was when the pain decided to hit and the tears started. All of my insides felt like they were being torn out and I was hollow. I text some friends and concentrated on little things, knowing that I wasn't in a fit state for writing.
Thankfully with help the feeling subsided and I was able to crack on with my work and got a few other jobs done. Had a working dinner then I got tired earlier than expected and was in bed before 9 and sat trying to knit but falling asleep. I tried to do my relaxation but almost fell asleep in the middle of it.
This morning I woke up later than expected but not too late and I had a shower and got ready for the day, hoping to get a good run on my writing after the slow start yesterday. I decided that for my task to make myself to go out I would go to a friends house to drop off a picture Angel made for her.
I was feeling very anxious but pushed myself to go out. I got a letter in the post this morning which was lovely and I was thrilled. I also got a lovely glittery key ring in there and I found that playing with and watching the glitter move around made me feel calmer, I'm like a magpie, I love glittery things. When I got to my friends, I was surprised with how bad I was feeling I got there but I went inside and only intended to stay a few moments then go home again, saying that I had met my goal.
2 hours later almost I left feeling completely comfortable and relaxed and like myself, not some shy anxious person that only speaks when spoken to. It's nice to just be me. Now I'm at home having had a big lunch and I have some sweet Mocha and some sweets and chocolate, warmth and music. I'm hoping to get some writing done, I have the next few chapters planned out, now to write them.
For some reason it now seems like it's that time again, for feeling low and missing my Angel. I really want to hold her in my arms and cuddle her while T cuddles us at the same time.
I can get through the pain, I will concentrate on my characters and work hard and if that doesn't work I will do some art work.
T is having a bit of a rough time with his family being stupid, self-centered and inconsiderate. T is coping absolutely brilliantly though and Angel is behaving like an Angel. I am so proud of both of them and regret i can't be there to help out although by now I ma have lost my temper and killed someone. Apparently its down to silly things like them not appreciating her routine and that she isn't used to being surrounded by loads of loud people and leaving the stair gate open and T just managed to catch her before she fell down the stairs etc etc. If it carries on like this I can see T coming home early and if he does we can do nice things together.
It was a year yesterday from the day that I last spoke to my mum, the day that she and her boyfriend hurt me and threatened to take my baby girl away from me.
My life has been so much better since I cut her out of it. I still have days where I miss her but i miss her treatment of me more than her for herself. In fact apart from being put down, made to feel like shit and feeling very panicky around her I can't remember any good bits to miss.
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