Poo bugger

I shall explain the title of this entry after I've written about yesteday. Last night I couldn't write as I'd accidently splashed boiling water into my eye during the day and by the time it got to evening I was in agony with it and had to hold a cold wet cloth to it all night to bring the swelling and pain down.

Yesterday T and I had planned to go out and do something as a family, like a special day out. We settled on going to a place about half an hour away from where we live which is a big farm world, with all sorts of animals and activities and the most amazing thing ever (a whole room FULL of guinea-pigs). I was quite nervous but thought it would pass, so we got in the car. The whole journey there was a total nightmare where I kept thinking I would need to ask T to stop. The further we got from home the more tense and anxious I got, I dug my nails in and twanged my bands, I tried to bridge and breathe but nothing seemed to be working and all I could think was, if i was on lorazapam now I wouldn't been feeling this. By the time we got there I didn't feel like I could breathe and my efforts were not doing barely anything apart from preventing a total breakdown. I told T I needed lorazapam and he said that I should take a small amount but not so much that I don't get over the panic myself, which is what I've been doing. So i took only a half and we got out of the car and went into the shopping part of the place. We walked up and down, not going in  any shops and not paying to go into the farm bit. I was very very panicky and I just wanted to be able to go into the farm place and enjoy myself with my little girl who was eager to get in and see the 'wheet wheet's' (her name for guinea-pigs because of the sound they make). In the end we payed and went in and I scoped out the toilets and used my nails on myself, trying to breathe through the panic which was coming in thick, chocking waves. I was finding it hard to focus on anything else, it was loud and very busy and that wasn't helping me. Angel loved it after she'd gotten over being overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of noise. I wanted to get out of there but I wanted to see my daughter enjoying herself more. I stuck with it, not caring if I hurt myself beyond temporary marks to stay. We went into the guinea-pig room and Angel was amazed and enraptured right away. There were also birds flying around the ceiling and stealing the guinea-pigs food which was cute. I've never been a huge fan of wheet wheets, we have two but they are really T's. But they caught my attention and I started to calm a little. T and Angel held one, a little white and cream coloured one, which was pretty young and although I felt like escaping I picked him up and popped him onto my lap and concentrated on stroking his fur and listening to his little happy sounds. My panic didn't disappear but it calmed a little. From that room we went out via handwashing and walked around the outside part. Still the panic attack didn't go but I was 'just' able to handle it.

Then another hard part came, we needed to go and get lunch. As soon as we walked through the doors into the resteraunt it was hot, packed and noisy and the smells of food hit me like a wall. I tried to stay, but decided the best thing was to get some air and take the stroller back to the car. By the time I came back Angel and T were seated as near to the toilets as they could get and were already eating. I sat down and told T I seriously doubted I could stay in there. T wrapped up some chips in some napkins so I could eat in the car or at the very least on the way home. I was just about ready to leave but Angel started to decide she wasn't going to eat anymore and she hadn't had much anyway. I began helping her to eat and making it fun and she ate a load more and I felt calm enough to eat a tiny bit myself while still unable to get out of the panic attack. From there I walked on my own with Angel to the big sweet shop they have there while T caught us up. I once again felt my panic rising in the shop, but managed to focus enough to choose something for Angel that I know she might like and choose a few things for myself. The shop all off a sudden got busy and I was relieved to get out when we payed. We then walked around to another shop and i found sucking a few sweets helped me but I still felt horrid. We looked around the bug area with Angel, showing her the tarantulas which she loved and the frogs, scorpions, snails etc. We then had a very quick look around another shop before heading back to the car via taking peacock pictures. Angel was tired and I wa beginning to feel that way too. A strange relaxation fell over me as soon as we started travelling and both Angel and I half drifted in and out all the way home.
It was a very hard day and a very very panicky experience which has left me feeling disheartened and discouraged.

Today I didn't want to take any lorazapam as I was once again feeling irritable from the withdrawal effects. I managed to get ready and get Angel out, up to the post box then somehow, even though I was feeling very very anxious, managed to get myself up to the chemist to get some more energy sweets for the week. I was hoping to go to the big park and feed the ducks from there and then maybe into the very edge of town to the supermarket to get some butter which we ran out of this morning. But the chemist was hard enough and I'd pushed to do that, so I took a slow walk back and regretfully didn't push to go further.
I'm not sure whether it is addiction talking or sense, but I want to take lorazapam to help me go out and do things. I want to be able to cope, like last week. I have no idea how much is too much to be taking, I have no idea how much I should limit myself or whether the irritability is really a withdrawal effect or just my moods fluctuating. I guess I need to e-mail my doctor.
For the rest of today, Angel and I stayed in and did housework and played. I ended up having another nasty panic attack while we were playing out the front and had to bring Angel inside because of how bad I felt.

So now for the poo bugger.... when I saw my sister on Saturday, we agreed we would go out together this week. So Wednesday I am supposed to be going to town and or a retail park nearby to get some things and a swimming costume for Angel as next Wednesday we are supposed to be going swimming. I've taken steps back again, how the hell can I do that? Any of it, let alone go swimming! Why did I open my mouth and agree?

I'm getting so tired now that I will have to e-mail doctor and carry on worrying tomorrow. I have Angel on my own all week this week and I'm already exhausted. It's going to be long and tiring and I still have all this panic to tackle and Wednesday.

Too exhausted to think on this now. Good night xxx