It's always a bad sign when I don't make time to blog and this has been 3 days I think. So this could be long or it could be skimming over lots of bits.
Starting from Friday then, my day with KR. I was a little nervous about him coming so I took half a lorazapam early enough so that when we got to mine it was working. It wasn't him coming that was bothering me, but the going out with him, hadn't planned on going far, but still terrifies me. Tuesday going out with my friend was wonderful and this was only the 2nd time and a different friend who doesn't get my issues.
So yeah anyway, he arrived at mine and it was the perfect time to go out. We got Angel ready and I pushed the pink stroller up to the post box - goal 1. Then through the little park - goal 2. From there KR helped me make the quick decision to go further, up to the post office on the main road - goal 3. He asked me if I'd like him to push the pushchair and I said it would be nice and he took it, a tall guy pushing a pink pram ahhh. We got up to the post office and I concentrated on doing the things I needed to do then we came back out again. I was feeling a little more calm because we were going back home. However, we took a detour out onto the canal and with KR pushing the stroller and me walking beside him, chatting away about old times and new things and Angel we walked all the way to the basin and then all the way back home. It was totally gorgeous walking out in the sunshine by the canal with an old friend. He took his jacket off and put it into the back of the stroller and we went on, talking about apartments on the edge of the canal and how much they'd be and all sorts of things. When we got home I put some fries and chicken in the oven and we all went out to play in the sand pit, KR's hair kept getting into his face so I stuck a couple of bows in his hair to get it to stop, one pink and one blue :D we laughed so much, but he kept them in until he went. When we sat down to have lunch I was actually able to eat and then T came home from work and ate with us. Angel went to sleep, T went into the office to work and me and KR were left alone. We decided on our favorite from when we were kids and got out the Sega. We had several micro machines tournaments and giggled so much that I was worried we would wake Angel up. I realized sitting there, how much I love him, as a brother. How much I'd missed my little brother who acts like an older brother. I might have wanted more from him at one time but he has always been my brother. (that sounds quite bad and incestey). Before he went home we played with Angel some more and he gave me a huge hug. It was the first hug I'd ever had from him.
I can't describe the amazing feeling of freedom, from being able to go out and walk around and do something not because I had to but because I wanted to. To be able to eat and drink and talk and act freely. To be who I was meant to be, who I should be. This week has been a completely -to borrow a word from KR- 'awesome' week for freedom and happiness and friendship.
Also on Friday another friend had to have a procedure in hospital and I was on edge waiting to hear how she was and thankfully it went well and she was okay and home by the end of the day. If she's reading this, I hope you're recovering well xxxx
So now the down side to my great week..........
Today I woke up feeling irritable and moody. I didn't take lorazapam because I've taken loads this week, far too much. I was so edgy, we went to a retail park to pick me up some rollerblades; I've wanted some for a while and T said he wanted to get me some as we have some vouchers to get most of the money off. I have to admit in a more crappy mood this morning I was less keen on the idea and thought that I'm way too old and we shouldn't be spending any money on me even if it only work out to be £5. But T wouldn't let up. We went into one shop and I was very very edgy and pinged my bands and I sat in the car for the next shop. But then in a moment of confidence, set myself the goal of getting out of the car to go find Angel and T even if it was to just touch them say hi and run away back to the car again. I got out, locked the car and went into the shop, it was a little busy, but Angel put her arms out to me right away and I cuddled her and felt calmer. From there we went into the next shop and I felt mostly okay. We decided to go home from there to sort out some bird feeders and stuff but I think I would have been okay if we went somewhere else.
So now back to the downside. Using my blogs from the past 3 weeks, I have documented lorazapam taking and my moods and have come up with a link and a reason for my irritability, clumsiness, lack of appetite and a few other things. Beside my normal bi-polar/manic depressive mood changes week to week or there about the other effects were only happening the days I don't take lorazapam pointing to withdrawal effects because I've been taking much more than I used to, and I noticed that over the last few weeks my dosages have increased. So next week I am dreading, I need to cut it back. I need to start taking less and dealing more. Have I only been doing so well because I've been doped up?
Next week may not be as spectacular or enjoyable as last week, in fact the next few weeks could be hard work, I have to keep up with going out and things but on either 0 or low lorazapam. Feel so angry at myself for letting myself slip so much. I used to go a week or more without taking any.... but then again, I used to only go out as far as the end of the road. I don't know what to do.
A few other things happened today, one of which I was thoroughly ashamed of. It was only a comment that I made but I should have been a lot more sensitive and thought about it first. Shame is something I am very familiar with, my mum taught it to me all the time, shame and guilt. Shame so sharp its nauseating. I just want to say I'm sorry, and I hope the hugs helped make up for it.
I've had a few people in my family pass away but I don't seem to react to death as most people do. I don't know if that makes me a sociopath, or insensitive or something else. But I am ashamed of that in me. It left me thinking about who I would cry for and who I wouldn't. Speaking of which I found out this evening that my Nannies partner is in hospital.
This afternoon my dad, his new girlfriend and my sister came around. It was the first time I'd seen my sister since the end of February, because of the arguments and the mum issue. It felt a little awkward but it was nice to see her I guess. I couldn't have asked for a better behaved daughter though, I was so immensely proud of Angel telling them all the words she knows, the colours and numbers and everything else. She even gave J my dad's girlfriend a kiss before she left as well as dad and my sister, that's another one up on mum wohoo. Yes I am that petty and evil, and no I don't care. As time goes on I realize more and more that I'm not a nice person.
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