I'm sitting on the sofa, feeling too afraid to go to sleep and wake up in the morning knowing I won't have long until we set off. I can't cope with it. I really really wanted to go on holiday but all I feel and have felt a growing feeling of over the past few days is ill. For an emetophobic, it's a nightmare to be terrified to the point of nausea 24/7. Tonight is worse and I know tomorrow will be even worse. I regret not asking the doctor for some diazapam now. I don't feel like I can do this.
I'm not as scared of the actual holiday but the travelling. It's like my mind is convinced that I'm going to get ill. I can't do that. I know if that happened I would go downhill and I don't know if I could get back up again.
I tried having a bath with lavender oil, even lit some candles and had some floating lights and did some hypnotherapy but I feel no different. I'm a state. I'm talking to my sister at the moment who is just as scared of travelling as I am and I can't blame her, she gets travel sickness worse than I do. It comes in waves, I'm either trying not to think about it or I'm panicking about it. Feeling the urge to self-harm again, not because of addiction or guilt but more out of desperation.
Showing posts with label friend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friend. Show all posts
Thursday, 14 June 2012
A very mixed day
I got up this morning feeling tired as usual thanks to the meds, and I had a few things during the day, I needed to go to the chemist and pick up my prescription, post some letters and post a parcel. I decided that I wouldn't take any lorazapam, I wanted to see how far I could get and I felt oddly confident for once. Maybe the fear of travelling Friday morning is making everything else seem smaller in comparison.
The morning was quite rushed, Angel was messing her breakfast around and T was hurrying to get ut and not bothering to make sure I had a chance to get breakfast and do other morning things, it really pissed me off.
I had to take the big pram out because the parcel I needed to take to the post office was quite large. I wasn't looking forward to pushing the huge thing, especially with how warm it was outside but I just took it slow and it was actually okay. We went to the post box and I felt a little anxious but not too bad so we carried on up to the chemist where I felt very panicky while I waited for them to call the doctors and see where my prescription was. They'd messed up despite me telling the doctor that I was going on holiday and would need my prescription early, so I was told to come back tomorrow.That peed me off.
From there I was feeling quite edgy but I carried on walking all the way up to the post office, I sent the parcel, finding it was more expensive to send than I'd charged so I was paying out of my own pocket. When we came out of there I felt calm again and we walked the long way to our friends house so Angel could play with Phia and I could chat to K and A. At first I was anxious then I relaxed and ended up only leaving because it was getting towards lunch time and I didn't want to impose. Angel and I took a slow walk home along a route we don't usually take because it's on the main road and very busy and noisy but I wasn't afraid and I even at a few packets of crisps as I walked along, finding I was starving.
When we got home though, despite the fact that we'd had a very positive experience, things started to go downhill. Angel said she was hungry but refused to eat anything I gave her. I was getting very very frustrated and the mood from first thing in the morning when T as peed me off was hanging over me, as well as the thought that T wouldn't be home until quite late and I was beginning to feel like I couldn't cope. I tried texting people and just looked forward to when Angel would have her nap and I would get time out to sort my mood out and relax. Despite how tired and moody and stroppy and horrible Angel was behaving, when I put her in the cot, after only 5 minutes of quiet she started playing up again, standing up, being noisy, moaning, lying about doing things in her happy, crying out for her daddy. I was trying desperately to get some time to relax and calm down and answer some questions for an interview I was asked to do. I couldn't concentrate and in the end I lost my patience and knew she wasn't going to shut up so I went upstairs to get her up again.
While I was walking up the stairs, I knew I wasn't in a good place. I got into the room and shouted, opened the blind and shouted more. I got her out of her cot and more or less just shoved her down onto her feet making her lose her balance and fall over. She was scared of me, which triggered something related to my mum. I wanted to make her scared, I wanted to show her what real crying was, not that fake crying she' been doing before I walked in the room. I kicked things, threw things around and she was terrified, she looked at me and cried and tried to hide from me, triggering me more. I knew I was acting like my mum and that made me more hate filled. I went into Angel's room, leaving my bedroom door open, which meant she could easily fall down the stairs because there was no barrier between her and them. I thought of the scissors in the draw and took them out. I didn't care that they were rusty or that they had something on them that I couldn't even identify. 7 slashes later, something stopped me, maybe Angel calling out for me. I came back to myself and the tears came, I picked Angel up realising I was bleeding down my arm. She kept saying mummy poorly and clean it, pointing to my arm.
The first thing I could think to do was call my friend K. She answered and rushed over, calling T on the way, I think she knew I wasn't going to call him. She just held me and talked to me and then helped clean me up. I've never let anyone in after hurting myself after that, I usually hide and beat m self up inside. It was the worst I'd hurt myself since I lived with my mum and I was so so so ashamed of how id behaved towards Angel.
K stayed with me until T got home from work and I told him what happened.
Later that evening K acme around for our girly evening that we'd planned and it was exactly what I needed. We did face masks, make-up, nails, hair. She made me loo prettyful and feel good about myself and we laughed so much. I've never had a girly night before, and it was wonderful, so much fun, and I'm already looking forward to the next one. I also thought I might need lorazapam but I didn't and even while K di my make-up I didn't feel much more than a bit anxious.
When K went home, her hubby was in a lot of pain with an injury he has and T took him to hospital while I stayed home with Angel an K stayed home with her 3 children. T got home about half past two.
T has gone to work for the morning today so I have Angel alone and although I feel a little more relaxed I know I'm still stressing majorly about travelling tomorrow and all of the things we need to do before tomorrow. All the packing we need to do still, and all the prep. I'm hoping that Angel is going to behave for me so I can stay calm and get some things done. At the moment she's playing with one of our cats and singing incy wincy spider.
My tummy is all a bit wibbly about going tomorrow, so I'm not sure if I will get out very far today, it's also very warm, but I'll see, might end up going out this evening to get my prescription instead of this morning maybe. Might just have a me and Angel morning, looking at books, playing, drawing, sand and things.
I'm expecting to blog later, in fear of going tomorrow.
The morning was quite rushed, Angel was messing her breakfast around and T was hurrying to get ut and not bothering to make sure I had a chance to get breakfast and do other morning things, it really pissed me off.
I had to take the big pram out because the parcel I needed to take to the post office was quite large. I wasn't looking forward to pushing the huge thing, especially with how warm it was outside but I just took it slow and it was actually okay. We went to the post box and I felt a little anxious but not too bad so we carried on up to the chemist where I felt very panicky while I waited for them to call the doctors and see where my prescription was. They'd messed up despite me telling the doctor that I was going on holiday and would need my prescription early, so I was told to come back tomorrow.That peed me off.
From there I was feeling quite edgy but I carried on walking all the way up to the post office, I sent the parcel, finding it was more expensive to send than I'd charged so I was paying out of my own pocket. When we came out of there I felt calm again and we walked the long way to our friends house so Angel could play with Phia and I could chat to K and A. At first I was anxious then I relaxed and ended up only leaving because it was getting towards lunch time and I didn't want to impose. Angel and I took a slow walk home along a route we don't usually take because it's on the main road and very busy and noisy but I wasn't afraid and I even at a few packets of crisps as I walked along, finding I was starving.
When we got home though, despite the fact that we'd had a very positive experience, things started to go downhill. Angel said she was hungry but refused to eat anything I gave her. I was getting very very frustrated and the mood from first thing in the morning when T as peed me off was hanging over me, as well as the thought that T wouldn't be home until quite late and I was beginning to feel like I couldn't cope. I tried texting people and just looked forward to when Angel would have her nap and I would get time out to sort my mood out and relax. Despite how tired and moody and stroppy and horrible Angel was behaving, when I put her in the cot, after only 5 minutes of quiet she started playing up again, standing up, being noisy, moaning, lying about doing things in her happy, crying out for her daddy. I was trying desperately to get some time to relax and calm down and answer some questions for an interview I was asked to do. I couldn't concentrate and in the end I lost my patience and knew she wasn't going to shut up so I went upstairs to get her up again.
While I was walking up the stairs, I knew I wasn't in a good place. I got into the room and shouted, opened the blind and shouted more. I got her out of her cot and more or less just shoved her down onto her feet making her lose her balance and fall over. She was scared of me, which triggered something related to my mum. I wanted to make her scared, I wanted to show her what real crying was, not that fake crying she' been doing before I walked in the room. I kicked things, threw things around and she was terrified, she looked at me and cried and tried to hide from me, triggering me more. I knew I was acting like my mum and that made me more hate filled. I went into Angel's room, leaving my bedroom door open, which meant she could easily fall down the stairs because there was no barrier between her and them. I thought of the scissors in the draw and took them out. I didn't care that they were rusty or that they had something on them that I couldn't even identify. 7 slashes later, something stopped me, maybe Angel calling out for me. I came back to myself and the tears came, I picked Angel up realising I was bleeding down my arm. She kept saying mummy poorly and clean it, pointing to my arm.
The first thing I could think to do was call my friend K. She answered and rushed over, calling T on the way, I think she knew I wasn't going to call him. She just held me and talked to me and then helped clean me up. I've never let anyone in after hurting myself after that, I usually hide and beat m self up inside. It was the worst I'd hurt myself since I lived with my mum and I was so so so ashamed of how id behaved towards Angel.
K stayed with me until T got home from work and I told him what happened.
Later that evening K acme around for our girly evening that we'd planned and it was exactly what I needed. We did face masks, make-up, nails, hair. She made me loo prettyful and feel good about myself and we laughed so much. I've never had a girly night before, and it was wonderful, so much fun, and I'm already looking forward to the next one. I also thought I might need lorazapam but I didn't and even while K di my make-up I didn't feel much more than a bit anxious.
When K went home, her hubby was in a lot of pain with an injury he has and T took him to hospital while I stayed home with Angel an K stayed home with her 3 children. T got home about half past two.
T has gone to work for the morning today so I have Angel alone and although I feel a little more relaxed I know I'm still stressing majorly about travelling tomorrow and all of the things we need to do before tomorrow. All the packing we need to do still, and all the prep. I'm hoping that Angel is going to behave for me so I can stay calm and get some things done. At the moment she's playing with one of our cats and singing incy wincy spider.
My tummy is all a bit wibbly about going tomorrow, so I'm not sure if I will get out very far today, it's also very warm, but I'll see, might end up going out this evening to get my prescription instead of this morning maybe. Might just have a me and Angel morning, looking at books, playing, drawing, sand and things.
I'm expecting to blog later, in fear of going tomorrow.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Learning who I am.
It's always a bad sign when I don't make time to blog and this has been 3 days I think. So this could be long or it could be skimming over lots of bits.
Starting from Friday then, my day with KR. I was a little nervous about him coming so I took half a lorazapam early enough so that when we got to mine it was working. It wasn't him coming that was bothering me, but the going out with him, hadn't planned on going far, but still terrifies me. Tuesday going out with my friend was wonderful and this was only the 2nd time and a different friend who doesn't get my issues.
So yeah anyway, he arrived at mine and it was the perfect time to go out. We got Angel ready and I pushed the pink stroller up to the post box - goal 1. Then through the little park - goal 2. From there KR helped me make the quick decision to go further, up to the post office on the main road - goal 3. He asked me if I'd like him to push the pushchair and I said it would be nice and he took it, a tall guy pushing a pink pram ahhh. We got up to the post office and I concentrated on doing the things I needed to do then we came back out again. I was feeling a little more calm because we were going back home. However, we took a detour out onto the canal and with KR pushing the stroller and me walking beside him, chatting away about old times and new things and Angel we walked all the way to the basin and then all the way back home. It was totally gorgeous walking out in the sunshine by the canal with an old friend. He took his jacket off and put it into the back of the stroller and we went on, talking about apartments on the edge of the canal and how much they'd be and all sorts of things. When we got home I put some fries and chicken in the oven and we all went out to play in the sand pit, KR's hair kept getting into his face so I stuck a couple of bows in his hair to get it to stop, one pink and one blue :D we laughed so much, but he kept them in until he went. When we sat down to have lunch I was actually able to eat and then T came home from work and ate with us. Angel went to sleep, T went into the office to work and me and KR were left alone. We decided on our favorite from when we were kids and got out the Sega. We had several micro machines tournaments and giggled so much that I was worried we would wake Angel up. I realized sitting there, how much I love him, as a brother. How much I'd missed my little brother who acts like an older brother. I might have wanted more from him at one time but he has always been my brother. (that sounds quite bad and incestey). Before he went home we played with Angel some more and he gave me a huge hug. It was the first hug I'd ever had from him.
I can't describe the amazing feeling of freedom, from being able to go out and walk around and do something not because I had to but because I wanted to. To be able to eat and drink and talk and act freely. To be who I was meant to be, who I should be. This week has been a completely -to borrow a word from KR- 'awesome' week for freedom and happiness and friendship.
Also on Friday another friend had to have a procedure in hospital and I was on edge waiting to hear how she was and thankfully it went well and she was okay and home by the end of the day. If she's reading this, I hope you're recovering well xxxx
So now the down side to my great week..........
Today I woke up feeling irritable and moody. I didn't take lorazapam because I've taken loads this week, far too much. I was so edgy, we went to a retail park to pick me up some rollerblades; I've wanted some for a while and T said he wanted to get me some as we have some vouchers to get most of the money off. I have to admit in a more crappy mood this morning I was less keen on the idea and thought that I'm way too old and we shouldn't be spending any money on me even if it only work out to be £5. But T wouldn't let up. We went into one shop and I was very very edgy and pinged my bands and I sat in the car for the next shop. But then in a moment of confidence, set myself the goal of getting out of the car to go find Angel and T even if it was to just touch them say hi and run away back to the car again. I got out, locked the car and went into the shop, it was a little busy, but Angel put her arms out to me right away and I cuddled her and felt calmer. From there we went into the next shop and I felt mostly okay. We decided to go home from there to sort out some bird feeders and stuff but I think I would have been okay if we went somewhere else.
So now back to the downside. Using my blogs from the past 3 weeks, I have documented lorazapam taking and my moods and have come up with a link and a reason for my irritability, clumsiness, lack of appetite and a few other things. Beside my normal bi-polar/manic depressive mood changes week to week or there about the other effects were only happening the days I don't take lorazapam pointing to withdrawal effects because I've been taking much more than I used to, and I noticed that over the last few weeks my dosages have increased. So next week I am dreading, I need to cut it back. I need to start taking less and dealing more. Have I only been doing so well because I've been doped up?
Next week may not be as spectacular or enjoyable as last week, in fact the next few weeks could be hard work, I have to keep up with going out and things but on either 0 or low lorazapam. Feel so angry at myself for letting myself slip so much. I used to go a week or more without taking any.... but then again, I used to only go out as far as the end of the road. I don't know what to do.
A few other things happened today, one of which I was thoroughly ashamed of. It was only a comment that I made but I should have been a lot more sensitive and thought about it first. Shame is something I am very familiar with, my mum taught it to me all the time, shame and guilt. Shame so sharp its nauseating. I just want to say I'm sorry, and I hope the hugs helped make up for it.
I've had a few people in my family pass away but I don't seem to react to death as most people do. I don't know if that makes me a sociopath, or insensitive or something else. But I am ashamed of that in me. It left me thinking about who I would cry for and who I wouldn't. Speaking of which I found out this evening that my Nannies partner is in hospital.
This afternoon my dad, his new girlfriend and my sister came around. It was the first time I'd seen my sister since the end of February, because of the arguments and the mum issue. It felt a little awkward but it was nice to see her I guess. I couldn't have asked for a better behaved daughter though, I was so immensely proud of Angel telling them all the words she knows, the colours and numbers and everything else. She even gave J my dad's girlfriend a kiss before she left as well as dad and my sister, that's another one up on mum wohoo. Yes I am that petty and evil, and no I don't care. As time goes on I realize more and more that I'm not a nice person.
Starting from Friday then, my day with KR. I was a little nervous about him coming so I took half a lorazapam early enough so that when we got to mine it was working. It wasn't him coming that was bothering me, but the going out with him, hadn't planned on going far, but still terrifies me. Tuesday going out with my friend was wonderful and this was only the 2nd time and a different friend who doesn't get my issues.
So yeah anyway, he arrived at mine and it was the perfect time to go out. We got Angel ready and I pushed the pink stroller up to the post box - goal 1. Then through the little park - goal 2. From there KR helped me make the quick decision to go further, up to the post office on the main road - goal 3. He asked me if I'd like him to push the pushchair and I said it would be nice and he took it, a tall guy pushing a pink pram ahhh. We got up to the post office and I concentrated on doing the things I needed to do then we came back out again. I was feeling a little more calm because we were going back home. However, we took a detour out onto the canal and with KR pushing the stroller and me walking beside him, chatting away about old times and new things and Angel we walked all the way to the basin and then all the way back home. It was totally gorgeous walking out in the sunshine by the canal with an old friend. He took his jacket off and put it into the back of the stroller and we went on, talking about apartments on the edge of the canal and how much they'd be and all sorts of things. When we got home I put some fries and chicken in the oven and we all went out to play in the sand pit, KR's hair kept getting into his face so I stuck a couple of bows in his hair to get it to stop, one pink and one blue :D we laughed so much, but he kept them in until he went. When we sat down to have lunch I was actually able to eat and then T came home from work and ate with us. Angel went to sleep, T went into the office to work and me and KR were left alone. We decided on our favorite from when we were kids and got out the Sega. We had several micro machines tournaments and giggled so much that I was worried we would wake Angel up. I realized sitting there, how much I love him, as a brother. How much I'd missed my little brother who acts like an older brother. I might have wanted more from him at one time but he has always been my brother. (that sounds quite bad and incestey). Before he went home we played with Angel some more and he gave me a huge hug. It was the first hug I'd ever had from him.
I can't describe the amazing feeling of freedom, from being able to go out and walk around and do something not because I had to but because I wanted to. To be able to eat and drink and talk and act freely. To be who I was meant to be, who I should be. This week has been a completely -to borrow a word from KR- 'awesome' week for freedom and happiness and friendship.
Also on Friday another friend had to have a procedure in hospital and I was on edge waiting to hear how she was and thankfully it went well and she was okay and home by the end of the day. If she's reading this, I hope you're recovering well xxxx
So now the down side to my great week..........
Today I woke up feeling irritable and moody. I didn't take lorazapam because I've taken loads this week, far too much. I was so edgy, we went to a retail park to pick me up some rollerblades; I've wanted some for a while and T said he wanted to get me some as we have some vouchers to get most of the money off. I have to admit in a more crappy mood this morning I was less keen on the idea and thought that I'm way too old and we shouldn't be spending any money on me even if it only work out to be £5. But T wouldn't let up. We went into one shop and I was very very edgy and pinged my bands and I sat in the car for the next shop. But then in a moment of confidence, set myself the goal of getting out of the car to go find Angel and T even if it was to just touch them say hi and run away back to the car again. I got out, locked the car and went into the shop, it was a little busy, but Angel put her arms out to me right away and I cuddled her and felt calmer. From there we went into the next shop and I felt mostly okay. We decided to go home from there to sort out some bird feeders and stuff but I think I would have been okay if we went somewhere else.
So now back to the downside. Using my blogs from the past 3 weeks, I have documented lorazapam taking and my moods and have come up with a link and a reason for my irritability, clumsiness, lack of appetite and a few other things. Beside my normal bi-polar/manic depressive mood changes week to week or there about the other effects were only happening the days I don't take lorazapam pointing to withdrawal effects because I've been taking much more than I used to, and I noticed that over the last few weeks my dosages have increased. So next week I am dreading, I need to cut it back. I need to start taking less and dealing more. Have I only been doing so well because I've been doped up?
Next week may not be as spectacular or enjoyable as last week, in fact the next few weeks could be hard work, I have to keep up with going out and things but on either 0 or low lorazapam. Feel so angry at myself for letting myself slip so much. I used to go a week or more without taking any.... but then again, I used to only go out as far as the end of the road. I don't know what to do.
A few other things happened today, one of which I was thoroughly ashamed of. It was only a comment that I made but I should have been a lot more sensitive and thought about it first. Shame is something I am very familiar with, my mum taught it to me all the time, shame and guilt. Shame so sharp its nauseating. I just want to say I'm sorry, and I hope the hugs helped make up for it.
I've had a few people in my family pass away but I don't seem to react to death as most people do. I don't know if that makes me a sociopath, or insensitive or something else. But I am ashamed of that in me. It left me thinking about who I would cry for and who I wouldn't. Speaking of which I found out this evening that my Nannies partner is in hospital.
This afternoon my dad, his new girlfriend and my sister came around. It was the first time I'd seen my sister since the end of February, because of the arguments and the mum issue. It felt a little awkward but it was nice to see her I guess. I couldn't have asked for a better behaved daughter though, I was so immensely proud of Angel telling them all the words she knows, the colours and numbers and everything else. She even gave J my dad's girlfriend a kiss before she left as well as dad and my sister, that's another one up on mum wohoo. Yes I am that petty and evil, and no I don't care. As time goes on I realize more and more that I'm not a nice person.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)