Winter = all downhill from here

Last night only got worse, I was completely numb and uninterested in everything, even things that usually bring me up. I tried music and I tried writing and knitting but nothing worked and I ended up more depressed. I went to bed at 8.00pm because I didn't see the point in staying up any longer. I ended up using a blade on myself on my new favored spot then T decided to join me upstairs and unknowingly put a stop to what I was doing. 
By the time I actually went to sleep I thought I'd gotten through the worst of it and that I'd wake up today feeling better. I thought I did at first and the morning went okay, even though we'd all been up early, especially T and Angel as he'd misread the time and let her get up before 5 in the morning. He went out to work and Angel and I just had a slow morning with me working on my knitting project which I've been commissioned to do and Angel playing with her little people and cars on the floor while eating snack and occasionally watching fireman sam on tv. 
I wasn't intending to go out, I just didn't feel like I had the confidence or drive, but it got to 11.00 and I just felt like going out even if it was across the road to kick the leaves with Angel, so we got out coats on and went outside. We walked up the road the opposite way to what we usually go and through a big car park and out onto the pavement of a very very busy road. Angel was scared by all the cars and buses and bikes but she perked up when we walked past a pushbike shop and she was eyeing up a pink bike with a basket and shiny tassels which was in the window. She then announced she wanted to go home and we went back and had some lunch together (I actually felt like eating although Angel was very hungry and helped eat mine too). 
She was absolutely exhausted after getting up so early and I though she would have a nap, I was hoping so, so that I could do some Yule shopping online and have a much needed shower. However, she spent the whole hour and a half messing around, shouting, whinging, moaning, playing up and generally doing anything but going to sleep. I'm not sure what it was about it, but something triggered me majorly. I tried texting a friend and I text T knowing that he had a meeting so he wouldn't be able to come home. (However I just found out a minute ago that he wasn't in a meeting at all, in fact he was just doing normal work that he could have been doing from home, but he hadn't came home even when I'd told him how I couldn't cope.) 

I turned my phone off and sat on the floor crying while I listened to Angel playing up and messing around, not knowing what to do and feeling so alone. In that moment I just wanted to leave, I couldn't cope and I didn't know what to do. 
I tried hurting myself but I couldn't even do that properly. I tried a sharper instrument but I still couldn't so I felt like a total failure on top of forlorn. I wanted to text my friend, text T but I kept my phone off and just cried. 

In the end I managed to pull myself together enough to get Angel back out of her cot and take her downstairs where we had a bath. I hid all my pain and anger and upset and behaved like a proper mum, looking after her, feeding her, caring for her, getting the housework done and making dinner. T came home and he must be able to tell something is wrong by how quiet I am but I just don't have the energy to tell him what I did, he doesn't seem interested in finding out anyway, he doesn't even sound interested in what we did today, where we went out to. He's too busy playing on his phone, so here I am writing this blog before I finish my commission, do some writing and try and get a list together of things I need to get tomorrow, hoping that I can go out and get them otherwise we'll have no bread and no dinner. 

Where am I going?

Today starts of positive, I got my self together and took Angel out to pick up a prescription for T and then to the small park for her to play on her scooter for a while then we walked to the post office to get T some stamps. I was a nervous wreck in there, especially because I was waiting for ages because of the amount I needed to get. I made it through some how though, with the help of Angel for a distraction. I then walked home slowly and T made me have some lunch with him and Angel, if he hadn't made me something, I doubt I'd have eaten little more than a yogurt or a few crisps.

I'm not trying to starve myself, I just seem to have lost my appetite. Although I am hoping that all this not eating will have the effect of taking some of my weight from my tummy and hips. I keep wanting to go and check the scales to make sure that it's coming off but from past experience that's a bad habit to get into.
I either don't feel hungry or I skip the hungry feeling and go straight to the feeling poorly feeling which makes me less inclined to eat. Maybe it's just a phase that I'm going through, it wouldn't be the first time and with the Winter definitely here I'm extra nervous about germs and such.
I do seem to be developing a sore throat though so I guess it could be down to that, I'm exhausted as well tonight and I can't be bothered with anything. I've had to take a tablet for my dizziness and now I'm blasting music in my ears to try and curb the depression which is slowing coming on. I still can't get the idea of self-harm from my head and in some ways I'm anticipating the event which triggers the self-harm so I can have an excuse to do it. I actually hate that I just wrote that, I have been doing so well and in some ways I still am, today on no loraz! it's almost a let down to write that down here. That I'm still the same fucked up person underneath all the false confidence and self-belief.

I thought that I might lose myself in some writing to help me feel better but my new book isn't getting as much attention and likes as I thought it would. There are only a limited amount of people even reading it and I feel like whats the point. But I guess that that would mean that I write for my fans and not for myself. The question is... If I stop now, will I always wonder what happened to those characters? What happened in the end of their story, did they even survive, the answer to that is no, no I couldn't leave it be, it is my story to tell and they don't deserve abandonment. I just need to keep in my mind fuck everyone else, I do this for me, to help me, for the friends in my head that are always with me. I'm on the verge of sounding completely mad now so I think I'll leave it there and go pay a visit to my friends and see what I can do about getting their story out.

Mood Swings

It's been over a week since my last entry and the one thing I have been experiencing a lot of it mood swings. I spent the weekend last weekend looking after my little sister after her shit head of a boyfriend dumped her and wouldn't even tell her why. Me and T looked after her all weekend while she cried and cried. It was heartrending. 
T, Angel and P all went swimming on Sunday morning (last week) and P seemed a lot happier after spending time with us, away from our mum probably helped too. 
I spent Sunday night to Wednesday, feeling very fragile and depressed, all I could think about was hurting myself and I did take a blade to my hip. I seemed to bounce back though midweek and on Thursday Angel and I went shopping to the newly built supermarket which used to be the small safe one for me. It was hard, took half a loraz but I did it and I felt a lot more confident having managed it, especially as I'd woken up feeling a bit iffy again. 

Friday morning after the success the day before I was going to do something nice with Angel but after having some breakfast I started to feel very ill. I kept fighting it and even told T to go out to work, that I could handle feeling ill and looking after Angel (something I never thought possible). Not only that but I also managed to get a lot of the housework done and other extra jobs too, I think keeping my mind busy helped. 

Yesterday (Satuday) was a low day in many ways; T had been awake with nightmares all night about when he was abused as a child. (No one knows about that but I know I can write it here with confidence that it will be safe). He woke up feeling fragile and sensitive, I was on edge and nervous and Angel was well not an Angel. We went out and she was the worst behaved she has EVER been, ignoring us, chatting back, picking things up, tantrums, kicking; not like her at all and we have no idea why she was like that. 
In the afternoon we just wanted to sit around as a family and watch movies but my dad and my sister came round. They must have been able to tell we weren't in good moods because we didn't feel talkative or social at all, in fact we just wanted to be left alone. 

Today Angel was a little better behaved but still wasn't an Angel. We were going into town and I was stupid enough to not want to fight the panic so instead took a too high dose of lorazapam and aconite and spaced out, I did town but didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would and got no Yule shopping done which was what I wanted to go for. I felt angry and frustrated and was anticipating getting home to self-harm but when I got home I got the side affects from the meds (as my friend calls it, medication hangover) I ended up asleep hanging off the bean bag with my head in the toy box and Angel on top of me trying to wake me up. 

Now I'm not sure how I feel, I've managed to get some writing done, but I feel to exhausted and not productive enough to carry on, what I've written is probably crap. I have a hat that I have to make and send out before Thursday and it's a hell load of knitting to get done. 

I don't know, this week will be what it is I guess. I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going. 

Kick up the ass

After such a depressing entry last time I gave my anxiety a big kick up the ass, I ended up taking Angel out to the post box yesterday morning but felt calm enough to go further thanks to half a lorazepam. We ended up going home to pick up some bread for the ducks Before going to the park. I decided to take the pushchair with me which meant that if I felt up to it, i could go further. I also remembered to take some lunch out for Angel. I was terrified but with the help of Angel I managed to keep pushing forward and forward until we were in the centre of town. I wasn't hungry at all and in some ways that was a good thing. I managed to get the things that I wanted to get, then we came home. T had to go out just after we got back And despite saying he would be back earlier he wasn't home until after Angel was fast asleep in bed. I can clearly remember the time when having angel on my own even a couple of minutes was absolutely terrifying and now being able to look after her on my own all day and even in the evening and nighttime, it's amazing.

Today I had angel alone again as T had to go into work today. I was very nervous again but I kept pushing and I ended up taking Angel to the post office to post some letter sets id been commissioned to make.

We ended up spending all day together alone again as T didn't get home from work until 7:30, Once again after Angels bedtime.

When I was getting Angel to bed on my own I had a very strange thought, a thought that I never ever expected to have: Angel was playing up, complaining her tummy was poorly which of course made me worried that she felt unwell. But I thought to myself, no I can do this, if she gets poorly then I will deal with it and she won't see the side of me thats scared, And if I get it too then I will just deal with it.
I believe that's how I Felt for those few seconds But already the positive feelings are wearing off.

So bloody fed up

As the title says, I'm so fed up of not being able to go out. The doctor told me recently that people with a 'disease' like mine get worse in the autumn winter. Not sure why he used the word disease but I know I always get worse in the colder, duller months. Yesterday I didn't even try to go out, today I have everything ready but ok to afraid to even go for a walk let alone go into town like I'd planned/ wanted to. I feel like I'm proving those they have told me what a useless loser I am, right. What kind of a useless waste if air can't even take her daughter out to look around a few shops. Useless waste of oxygen. I can't even be bothered to take lorazepam because it probably won't help enough and then ill have side affects anyway.
What's the fucking point.

Another weekend

Wednesday I didn't think I was going to get out at all but I decided about half ten that Angel and I would at least walk to the post box. When we got there I was edgy especially as there were lots of builders and such around doing work, but Angel wanted to go into the little park, so I indulged her and I took photos and we played kicking in the leaves. She then told me she wanted to walk the very long way home along the main road, I wasn't sure but Angel said, Mummy, You're okay and it made me that little more confident so we walked the long way home before making some lunch. 

I didn't however go out of Thursday because we had a very long bath and just ran out of time and Friday we stayed in because of the rotten weather. My sister came to stop over yesterday night (Friday) and I was terrified of it because of how crappy I've been sleeping. The night before T and I decided that I would be best sleep on the sofa so that I could at least get a good nights sleep potentially without panic and I think it helped take the edge of the tiredness so that last night I wasn't exhausted. Of course the amount of coffee I'd had yesterday helped with that. I did go to sleep very late and unintentionally. I did wake up panicking and have bad dreams but I managed to get through it somehow. 

Today we were planning to go out and do something but T's knee got very bad last night and he could barely walk today, so I spent the day in a pissed off self-destructive mood. I cut/scratched myself once when my sister, T and Angel were all downstairs and I wanted to do more but I was only supposed to be upstairs getting changed for P to take some photos of me for her photography class. I kept almost snapping myself out of the mood and then it would come right back again, but as T pointed out, nothing got broken and I lost my need to self harm when I unintentionally walked into a door and bruised my elbow. Accidental self-harm yay. 

Now I'm hoping to get some writing done although what I feel like doing is nothing at all. I want to brood and hate and mope really. 

3 days, 3 fights

Saturday evening after I wrote my blog, I spent the rest of the time writing another blog, writing a chapter and a half of my book and doing a few other things to keep up with my work. By the time I went to bed I was feeling a tiny bit better for living in my fantasy world for a while. My wrist and fingers were hurting more than they had been during the day but I put it down to over use and RSI.

Sunday morning I didn't feel much like fighting but I put a plan together with Angel to go out and get some glue sticks, tissue paper and a few other things to do some craft activities this week. Angel liked the idea, especially after not going out the day before and I very reluctantly got in the car and panicked all the way to the shop, I had nail marks in my hand but nothing permanent. When we arrived I was a little put off by all the railings and stuff still up there from the work that they're doing to change my once safest supermarket. T parked as close to the door as we could get and he and Angel got out and went into the shop. I sat in the car trying to calm myself down, I took half a lorazapam and some aconite and had a smoke. T called me so that he could talk to me to try and distract me and I made myself get out of the car and walk inside the doors past the people collecting money and through the in only door where I was met with the bright lights and colours of the Christmas display. I set about looking around the Halloween things before meeting up with T and Angel and we had a good look around all the shiny pretties and then the toys and then the craft area. We found some lovely things then we went to pay before driving to a shop that we hadn't ever been to before. It's just off a very busy road and it has an in door which is next to the out door, but you have to like go round a maze to get to the out door again and they're automatic so no getting out of the in door. I was nervous but I could feel the lorazapam working and I bit the bullet, held Angel's hand and walked in. We had a look around and Angel started playing up because she needed to pee and she was hungry so we paid and came home. I actually ate my lunch on the way home, thanks to the meds I hadn't even thought about what I was doing until T pointed it out very proudly.
So that was fight one.

Fight 2 was yesterday (Monday). T was supposed to be working from home in the morning but I decided that it would be better and easier for me and Angel if I sent him into work, especially as he wasn't far away and I knew that if we needed him he could come to us in minutes. I knew the night before that I was gearing up for something and I woke up with a fight in me that was strong. Angel and I did our usual morning routine and took our time, then I got the big pram out and got everything ready. I would usually go through the little park or around the quieter streets by the post box but I was feeling more confident than usual especially with the lack of people around, presumably from the colder autumn weather. We walked past the medical center and the diggers and into the park where I let Angel out of the pram and we fed the ducks, geese and swans. It was nice and Angel and I had a giggle about the silly geese all trying to get near to us, and took pity on one that was limping, feeding it lots of bread.

I took a breath after that, had a drink and walked through the park and down the slope to the little supermarket that's on the edge of town. I was planning to get Angel a few magazines/workbooks which we work through together. I was very very nervous but I kept going, kept pushing forward and then we stood inside and I was looking through the magazines to find her the ones she would enjoy most while she stood looking at some others. She all of a sudden announced that she NEEDED A WEE! She had a nappy on but she decided that she needed to go to the toilet so I put her in the pram and rushed her into the nearby bus station and bless her, she held it all the way there. I was so proud of her and I let her know. I was feeling a lot calmer by the time we went back into the supermarket and I brought not only a few magazines for Angel but also one for myself, which I never do. I also went around the shop pushing the pram and holding the basket jointly with Angel while we got some little bits and bobs that we needed. I got a few looks for being mad enough to juggle everything all at once but I just felt like for once I was doing what a good mummy should do. A one point Angel tripped up and I ended up pushing the pram, carrying her and the basket! Fortunately I had all the patience in the world though even when I was banging into things and getting lots of looks. When we came to pay I went to the self serve checkout and I held Angel and let her beep all the items and press the screen and put everything into the bags. Again I got impressed and 'omg she's mad' looks and I could't help but giggle, I was having great fun and more importantly so was my Angel.
We got outside the doors and Angel fell over and I ended up damn near running everyone over while I cuddled and reassured her and hurried with the pram to a bench where I could give her my full attention. I sat there for a while, cuddling my little girl and kissing her poorly bits better then we walked hand in hand to the park again and I decide that we would go into the playground. Angel had a great time and was perfectly fine about only staying a short while before going to get lunch. I took pictures and even went on the swing with her, I hate going on swings but she wanted to and I told my emetophobia that going on a swing wouldn't cause me to be ill. We went home without any tantrums and then we had a lovely rest of the day. The best thing was not only was I a model mum and wife, I did it all on no meds at all.

Today was a little different though, I didn't wake up with the same fire in me as the day before, and for a while I didn't think I'd get out at all but despite all the things getting in my way I persuaded myself out of the door and up the road towards the doctors to pick up mine and T's prescriptions. I was very anxious and even as we walked things kept going wrong, like forgetting things and Angel dropping things and having to go back, I felt like everything was telling me I should go home.... I didn't listen and when I got to the pavement leading to the doctors I saw what I really didn't want to, s*** on the pavement in a few places and like a car crash, I looked. I still continued on to the Dr's and got the scripts but on the way back down I kept getting flashes of what could have happened, of someone being ill. It wasn't just that it was there it was that it was near the docs and I could have been someone going there or coming out of there and my head scream germs! GERMS! I felt like they were in the air coming off it and getting inside me.

I was intending to go straight home, I was on no meds and in a very fragile state but I guess I'm stupid or something because I went along the main road and into the big park to meet T on the way back from his meeting. I was very very panicky and couldn't make myself calm down no matter what I did, until T came into sight and the panic kind of slid away, that doesn't usually happen and it surprised me.
The rest of the day has involved eating very little and panicking quite a bit. My hand has gotten worse but I'm to terrified to even E-mail the doctor, I just want to leave it and see what happens, hopefully my sister won't moan at me too much to go to the doctors. At the moment I have decided to ignore it and go about everything normally, resting it didn't help so may as well use it.

Right now I'm feeling tired and worn down and I have another 3 days of Angel care before the weekend which might involve T going into work on call anyway. Hopefully a bit of writing or knitting tonight will give me much needed rest from reality and let me relax for a good nights sleep which I haven't had for as long as I can remember again... panicking every night.

No improvement

I feel so silly with all my little concerns right now. There is a poor little girl who was abducted on Monday and here I am crying all the time and clinging to my husband and daughter like a young child. A friend told me not to compare though and she's right, so I thought I would try and get out how I'm feeling, try to make sense of it and find the source so I can get to a happier place.

When did this mood start, well Monday I was fine, I took Angel out to the park on no meds and fed the ducks, Tuesday I was a nervous wreck despite lorazapam and being with T and Angel when I was out, Wednesday and Thursday I made myself walk up to the post box but both times it was a short and desperately nervous walk. My mood started changing on Tuesday, Wednesday I was incredibly irritable and by Friday I was flat out depressed. Today (Saturday) I'm not much better. All day I have had to put on a brave face for visitors, my oldest friend Kardi and my dad and sister all came around and I have to say it was lovely to see them all. My dad was in a great mood and he offered finally to do the work for us that we need doing in the house, in a few weeks. I'm terrified of having him here alone in case I panic but it has to be done and he is kindly offering at last. He also brought us some dinner in town with my sister and was just generally happy and upbeat which was refreshing after his unusual behavior recently.
My sister was in a good mood too and Angel shone for all of us, she was a little star and held us all captivated by her antics and games and I couldn't have been prouder of her.

When they all went though I as good as fell to my knees with the weight of the depression that I'd been holding off. I just felt overwhelmed and unable to hold back the tears. I cuddled up to T while he and Angel had some dinner and then I closed the blinds and sat in the dark with them both.

I just don't feel like my usual self, I don't feel like doing anything, not watching TV, not drawing, knitting, crafting or even writing. I can't work out if this is caused by how poorly I've been feeling with my ears and not giving into the pain and resting, or if its all the nights of bad sleep and nightmares, if its just a general drop from the bi-polar or something else.

Last night I tried my usual tactic to snap out of it; I had date night in front of a favorite TV series with T, then I had a shower to try and 'wash' away the mood which usually works, then I listened to some hypnotherapy but I fell asleep to it and woke up in a panic hours later. This morning I woke up and I didn't want to get up, I knew I was already low and I subconsciously purposely ate stuff which I knew I wouldn't be able to go out on, like I was giving up the fight without even trying.

The need to self harm has been getting steadily stronger, and I have made a small scratch, more out of OCD telling me that if I let some blood out, some badness then I will feel better. Trouble is that it doesn't feel deep enough, not enough blood but at the same time I'm so depressed that I don't even want to hurt myself, if I do I want to do it to leave and after a perfect day with my loved ones, it would be a perfect parting. Of course I won't.

Tomorrow we have no plans but I know that if I keep hiding and not fighting then I won't break out of this. Right now, I'm too low to want to fight.

Everything is pointless and everything I do is useless

I know that a big part of how I'm feeling is frustration and the other big contributor is my depressed phase which has naturally come around.

For the last few days my enthusiasm has been gradually dropping off. I've barely touched my writing, I've not done any knitting and I can't say I feel like doing anything. I feel like there's no point to my writing, that there's no point to my knitting or toy making. I feel like I'm coping rubbish with Angel and I'm in a bad mood almost constantly despite the fact that I've been trying to snap out of it. This morning was hard for me to persuade myself up and T and I decided that I would do his work today while he looked after Angel and the house, it didn't go to plan though because the computer was going extremely slow so although I got some stuff done for him I was bored and got steadily more frustrated. Now I'm sitting here not feeling very hungry and I'm just feeling generally angry and tired and frustrated and fidgety. I have a bad feeling that this will end in self harm, I was only thinking this morning that its been a while since I've hurt myself, typical. Maybe having a smoke will help, it does seem that if I smoke and its only a few a day if that then I tend to self harm less, although I'm not sure if that's a coincidence yet or not though, I only started again recently.

I think one thing that's brought this around is a near miss that I had with a job as a manager of a nursery. It was going to be in the same county as Ts family lives and we were talking about us moving there. I missed the opportunity because I was too late to accept it.
Then we talked about me extending my business so I'm the main earner and eventually getting a shop, but I just can't manage it alone, it's too much expense and I'm not am army alone. I'm not good enough and I never have been in anything.

Maybe in a few days this will pass but with the nightmares and everything I have a feeling it will be a few days at least.

1 whole free day

T went back to work on Thursday last week, but he decided to stay and work from home, especially as Angel had another rough night and she was running a very high, nasty fever. He took her to the doctors to get her checked out and we both spent most of the day looking after her and trying to be a patient as we could. Friday T went into work for the day and one part of me was dreading it, especially if Angel still wasn't very well, but another part of me was almost looking forward to it, to having some mummy Angel time; I can't help but be amazed at how far I have come to be wanting to be spending time alone with my little girl, to be feeling absolutely comfortable about it. I remember a time when I hated being on my own with her for only a few moments while T went to make a cup of tea. 
Anyway she was brilliant for me, we played games and I got quite a bit of knitting done while I did one of my favorite things; watching Angel play (it always fascinates me). I ended up finishing off a knitted bird for her that I'd been making for ages as an on and off project and she helped me pick out the eyes for it and stuff it. 

Saturday was set to be a busy day, we got up and had to do our weekly shopping. I also had to pick up some more supplies for my business  so first stop was a huge craft store. I got what I needed even though I 
was very edgy. From there we went to the supermarket nearest us, which used to be very small and the most comforting, safe shopping place for me to go to. However they have been adding extensions and changing it all round. The new toilets are done but they are at the very end of the shop away from everything else apart from the doors to get in and out. They still haven't finished so there were still the noises of people working etc but I made myself go around the shop and when I got more edgy I took myself off on my own to find things we needed that were nearer the exit. Despite panic I managed to stay in the shop for the whole visit and I helped on the checkout and even took Angel to the new toilets to encourage her potty training out and about as well as at home. 

When we got home it was still early so we decided to go up to the postbox for a walk, we very rarely go on little walks all together as a family and I was looking forward to it. It was a nice calm walk, but before we got home I got a call from Kardi to tell me that he was already at our house (he wasn't supposed to be coming until after 12 and it was only half past 11). He walked up the road to meet us and still I kept calm. I knew that we would have to have lunch despite him being there, T was hungry, Angel was hungry and I was too. I made cheese on toast at Angel's request and I actually ate it, in front of Kardi and didn't feel self-conscious or panicky even afterwards. 

Once Kardi had gone home, T and Angel went over to pick my sister P up as she was staying over that night. I made the dinner and did the housework then we all ate together when they got back. I was okay until it got to bed time then I worried a bit, but I ended up talking myself down before it got out of hand and we all went to bed quite late. (I'd had 1/4 lorazapam in the morning and that's all).

Sunday morning we were all up fairly early and P went out to meet her bf while T and I decided to take Angel to a park to have a walk in the fallen leaves. We arrived and we parked in a car park we do't usually park in, then I got out and we walked all three of us hand in hand through the trees and over the grass and leaves, just slowly meandering along. Angel spotted the playground and she went in that direction, usually I would panic about being around lots of people, especially lots of children, but I played with Angel, I helped her climb, up onto the slide and swung her on the swings for ages, while chatting to a man I'd met who was swinging his little boy on the swing next to Angel's. Eventually it was time to leave to get some lunch and although Angel had a bit of a tantrum it didn't last long and I asked T if we could stop off at a shop on the way home. I only wanted to pop in there and see if they had what I was looking for, so I got out the car alone and went in. I had a nice look around and found what I wanted then I came out and got me and T a baked potato to share. Angel had fallen asleep in her car seat and still feeling okay, but very hungry, I opened the food there and then and we ate it in the car at a busy retail park. Not only that but I also ate sweetcorn as part of it, and I haven't touched that since Angel was poorly after having it. 

The day went on and it got to bedtime, I lay there beside T and told him how I hadn't had a panic attack all day, I don't remember the last time that happened, but more amazingly, I had been on no meds all day. T was proud and I couldn't help but feel a little proud of how far I have come in 8 months, from housebound 
and panicked all the time to spending a whole day with my family doing normal family things on no meds. 
All I can say is wow. 

Yesterday T was in work all day and Angel and I took a slow leisurely walk to the post box and then the big park where we fed the ducks and Angel almost got bitten by a swan. We took an even longer walk home, just hand in hand, not really talking but both happily taking in our surroundings and just enjoying each others company. We did some baking in the afternoon and I introduced her to 'Hamma' beads.

Today wasn't so much of a success, T was working from home and Angel was acting up for him a lot, it was getting to me and I ended up with a nasty headache and no patience left. He went to his physio and it was like Angel was another child. I decided to get her into her pushchair to go and get some bread but only part way there on half a loraz, I was in a panic. I ended up meeting T when he came out of the medical center  I wanted to go home but instead I pushed myself hard, I made myself walk all the way along the very long main road with Angel and T to the post office and shop. I was on edge an nervous but I did it, for them. 

T and I decided that when he works from home in future he should work in the dining room out of sight of Angel, but that he should maybe start working in the office a little more, to give him the right kind of non distractive atmosphere for getting his work done and for Angel to behave herself. So tomorrow instead of T working from home as planed, he is going to be going into the office to work for the day and I can say that the only thing I'm worried about is that Angel will get ill while he isn't here, I mean ill as in tummy problems.... I guess I have to ask myself, can I cope with that alone? Have I come far enough that if she was sick I could look after her? Hold her? and comfort her? Stay calm and reassure her?Clean up and not show my fear or panic? 

Right now, I feel like I could do that for her.... and that in itself is a huge step.