Another weekend

Wednesday I didn't think I was going to get out at all but I decided about half ten that Angel and I would at least walk to the post box. When we got there I was edgy especially as there were lots of builders and such around doing work, but Angel wanted to go into the little park, so I indulged her and I took photos and we played kicking in the leaves. She then told me she wanted to walk the very long way home along the main road, I wasn't sure but Angel said, Mummy, You're okay and it made me that little more confident so we walked the long way home before making some lunch. 

I didn't however go out of Thursday because we had a very long bath and just ran out of time and Friday we stayed in because of the rotten weather. My sister came to stop over yesterday night (Friday) and I was terrified of it because of how crappy I've been sleeping. The night before T and I decided that I would be best sleep on the sofa so that I could at least get a good nights sleep potentially without panic and I think it helped take the edge of the tiredness so that last night I wasn't exhausted. Of course the amount of coffee I'd had yesterday helped with that. I did go to sleep very late and unintentionally. I did wake up panicking and have bad dreams but I managed to get through it somehow. 

Today we were planning to go out and do something but T's knee got very bad last night and he could barely walk today, so I spent the day in a pissed off self-destructive mood. I cut/scratched myself once when my sister, T and Angel were all downstairs and I wanted to do more but I was only supposed to be upstairs getting changed for P to take some photos of me for her photography class. I kept almost snapping myself out of the mood and then it would come right back again, but as T pointed out, nothing got broken and I lost my need to self harm when I unintentionally walked into a door and bruised my elbow. Accidental self-harm yay. 

Now I'm hoping to get some writing done although what I feel like doing is nothing at all. I want to brood and hate and mope really.