Mood Swings

It's been over a week since my last entry and the one thing I have been experiencing a lot of it mood swings. I spent the weekend last weekend looking after my little sister after her shit head of a boyfriend dumped her and wouldn't even tell her why. Me and T looked after her all weekend while she cried and cried. It was heartrending. 
T, Angel and P all went swimming on Sunday morning (last week) and P seemed a lot happier after spending time with us, away from our mum probably helped too. 
I spent Sunday night to Wednesday, feeling very fragile and depressed, all I could think about was hurting myself and I did take a blade to my hip. I seemed to bounce back though midweek and on Thursday Angel and I went shopping to the newly built supermarket which used to be the small safe one for me. It was hard, took half a loraz but I did it and I felt a lot more confident having managed it, especially as I'd woken up feeling a bit iffy again. 

Friday morning after the success the day before I was going to do something nice with Angel but after having some breakfast I started to feel very ill. I kept fighting it and even told T to go out to work, that I could handle feeling ill and looking after Angel (something I never thought possible). Not only that but I also managed to get a lot of the housework done and other extra jobs too, I think keeping my mind busy helped. 

Yesterday (Satuday) was a low day in many ways; T had been awake with nightmares all night about when he was abused as a child. (No one knows about that but I know I can write it here with confidence that it will be safe). He woke up feeling fragile and sensitive, I was on edge and nervous and Angel was well not an Angel. We went out and she was the worst behaved she has EVER been, ignoring us, chatting back, picking things up, tantrums, kicking; not like her at all and we have no idea why she was like that. 
In the afternoon we just wanted to sit around as a family and watch movies but my dad and my sister came round. They must have been able to tell we weren't in good moods because we didn't feel talkative or social at all, in fact we just wanted to be left alone. 

Today Angel was a little better behaved but still wasn't an Angel. We were going into town and I was stupid enough to not want to fight the panic so instead took a too high dose of lorazapam and aconite and spaced out, I did town but didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would and got no Yule shopping done which was what I wanted to go for. I felt angry and frustrated and was anticipating getting home to self-harm but when I got home I got the side affects from the meds (as my friend calls it, medication hangover) I ended up asleep hanging off the bean bag with my head in the toy box and Angel on top of me trying to wake me up. 

Now I'm not sure how I feel, I've managed to get some writing done, but I feel to exhausted and not productive enough to carry on, what I've written is probably crap. I have a hat that I have to make and send out before Thursday and it's a hell load of knitting to get done. 

I don't know, this week will be what it is I guess. I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going.