No improvement

I feel so silly with all my little concerns right now. There is a poor little girl who was abducted on Monday and here I am crying all the time and clinging to my husband and daughter like a young child. A friend told me not to compare though and she's right, so I thought I would try and get out how I'm feeling, try to make sense of it and find the source so I can get to a happier place.

When did this mood start, well Monday I was fine, I took Angel out to the park on no meds and fed the ducks, Tuesday I was a nervous wreck despite lorazapam and being with T and Angel when I was out, Wednesday and Thursday I made myself walk up to the post box but both times it was a short and desperately nervous walk. My mood started changing on Tuesday, Wednesday I was incredibly irritable and by Friday I was flat out depressed. Today (Saturday) I'm not much better. All day I have had to put on a brave face for visitors, my oldest friend Kardi and my dad and sister all came around and I have to say it was lovely to see them all. My dad was in a great mood and he offered finally to do the work for us that we need doing in the house, in a few weeks. I'm terrified of having him here alone in case I panic but it has to be done and he is kindly offering at last. He also brought us some dinner in town with my sister and was just generally happy and upbeat which was refreshing after his unusual behavior recently.
My sister was in a good mood too and Angel shone for all of us, she was a little star and held us all captivated by her antics and games and I couldn't have been prouder of her.

When they all went though I as good as fell to my knees with the weight of the depression that I'd been holding off. I just felt overwhelmed and unable to hold back the tears. I cuddled up to T while he and Angel had some dinner and then I closed the blinds and sat in the dark with them both.

I just don't feel like my usual self, I don't feel like doing anything, not watching TV, not drawing, knitting, crafting or even writing. I can't work out if this is caused by how poorly I've been feeling with my ears and not giving into the pain and resting, or if its all the nights of bad sleep and nightmares, if its just a general drop from the bi-polar or something else.

Last night I tried my usual tactic to snap out of it; I had date night in front of a favorite TV series with T, then I had a shower to try and 'wash' away the mood which usually works, then I listened to some hypnotherapy but I fell asleep to it and woke up in a panic hours later. This morning I woke up and I didn't want to get up, I knew I was already low and I subconsciously purposely ate stuff which I knew I wouldn't be able to go out on, like I was giving up the fight without even trying.

The need to self harm has been getting steadily stronger, and I have made a small scratch, more out of OCD telling me that if I let some blood out, some badness then I will feel better. Trouble is that it doesn't feel deep enough, not enough blood but at the same time I'm so depressed that I don't even want to hurt myself, if I do I want to do it to leave and after a perfect day with my loved ones, it would be a perfect parting. Of course I won't.

Tomorrow we have no plans but I know that if I keep hiding and not fighting then I won't break out of this. Right now, I'm too low to want to fight.