Toady is the very last day of T's holiday from work. Tomorrow at 8 in the morning he starts work again and I'm primary carer of Angel and house keeper again. I didn't end up going out yesterday, T and Angel went into town for a while but I was still feeling ill with my ears and throat, so I stayed home and worked my way through a backlog of housework.
Today we'd intended to take Angel to a big indoor play place, but the plans were scuppered when we all had a very bad night's sleep. Angel was awake at least every hour crying and burning up and T had to keep getting up with her. I was feeling wibbly before I went to sleep but I tried to reason that it was panic although I wrote a note to T to let him know that I'd gone downstairs, just in case I needed to. Somehow I guess I knew that I would end up on the sofa and ever weirder, somehow I knew that when I would need to go downstairs I would neither have the time or the brain capacity to write the note then. I fell asleep, not by choice but because my meds took affect and I woke up only a few minutes later feeling very very ill and managed to talk myself out of bed and down the stairs, only just remember to put the note on my pillow. I sat on the edge of the sofa in the bright light from the bulb and rocked, cried, sipped my drink desperate to make the taste go and try to settle my tummy, and panicked so much that I almost felt paralyzed, I couldn't make myself move off the sofa and I was convinced that I would get ill. I dug my nails into my arms, my hands, my legs, anywhere to try and ground me, to try and persuade me that this was a panic and I could snap out of it, but it didn't happen. I did eventually start to feel better and although I never felt okay enough to go back up to bed, I eventually felt up to trying sleep again, this time feeling more in control and I managed to get a little on the sofa with one of my blankets around me.
I felt so trapped, I can't get that feeling out of my mind, yes I came through it yet again but that doesn't mean I want to have to again. I didn't want to wake up today, let alone try to go out when I did wake up, but I could see how much Angel wanted to go out, and T too and we decided to go somewhere that wasn't so much of a challenge as a big play place full of people and children and potential germs. We decided to go to a big shoe warehouse that we have about ten minutes from where we live, we were after some winter boots for me and I was kind of excited about having a look, especially because it's a huge big warehouse type building and Angel would be able to run around and look at shoes.. She loves shoes. I was panicky on the way there, Angel insisted on having some music on which didn't help and when we got there my nerves were fraught and I didn't want to go in, but I did. I made myself get out of the car and give it a go, even though my safety net (a drink to sip) needed refreshing and didn't taste right and my tummy was wibbly from last night.
I don't understand why I keep on fighting, I don't even want to most of the time. Why is my body and mind so eager to stay alive? Even when so much shit hits and there's so much to face and live with.
Tonight I feel fragile and like hiding, tomorrow I have to a mummy, a proper mummy and I need to get my head into that space for Angels sake. I can't even imagine being able to go out alone, but I need to, I need to push, but why? I'm so confused, its the coming winter and there are germs everywhere and illness around every corner, why do I keep going knowing that it's only a matter of time before I get ill again or have to watch my daughter go through that.
*Sigh*
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Tired
Today has been a long and tiring day. T woke me up this morning just before my alarm was due to go off to tell me that he needed me up because both he and Angel weren't well. He'd been awake since about 4 unable to breathe properly and Angel although she'd woken up feeling better yesterday was worse again today. So I dragged myself out of bed, already knowing what would be in store for me for the day. I had expected Angel to be difficult but thankfully she was an Angel most of the day which I made sure to thank her for just before she went to bed, so she knew how grateful I was.
I drank a large cold coffee and made T some more tea. I had been reading up on potty training last night and I decided that once Angel is better I would start it properly and keep to it so no more confusing her. Today though as soon as I was up she took her nappy off herself and I set the toilet up so she could use it if she wanted to rather than the potty's. She was amazing, all day long when she needed to wee she told me, and went through, hopped up onto the stool and onto the toilet herself. She even managed her first poo on the toilet today ever. I am one massively proud mummy!
I knew that we wouldn't be going out with them both being ill so I made sure to have a sugary breakfast to keep me going through the morning.
I spent the morning dividing my attention between getting the animals fed, looking after poorly T, poorly Angel, being there for Angel to use to loo with plenty of positive encouragement and enthusiasm, tidying the kitchen and playing with Angel on the floor with all her toys, drawing, stickers and even water painting.
I then made lunch, I decided to make a big fry up for T and sausages and toast for Angel, this meant that I was cooking away in the kitchen for quite a while, juggling all the food prep and forgot to think about my lunch, I ended up getting very low blood sugar and having to cook with the major shakes! I managed it though and had a small sandwich to tide me over.
Angel managed to have a nap in the afternoon after a chill out session with me, playing games on my phone. I was going to just relax and knit but I ended up spending my time working on the next chapter of my book and then preparing dinner which involved chopping veg and preparing meat. I then cooked for an hour then found I had to tidy the kitchen up all over again because although I'd cleaned it all at lunch time, making dinner was messy with lots of cooking things and I had to do it all over again. T and Angel ate and I managed a small amount before I had to feed the animals again and clean some of them out.
It sounds hard enough when put like that but I have to admit that I'm also not well, I haven't told T although I think he knows I'm a little unwell just not how unwell. I'm mostly trying to ignore it, I have a sore throat, very bad ear ache and a slight fever which is up and down, but I'm mostly trying to just get on with things and not let it get to me. So far I've managed apart from when I had to cry with the pain while I was cooking but thankfully Angel was only just waking up and T was playing his game.
I'm going to send T to bed soon, I think an early night would do him good. I have my chapter to write up and finish but whether I end up doing that or not I'm not sure.
I'm hoping that both Angel and T will feel better tomorrow so we can go out and do something.
I drank a large cold coffee and made T some more tea. I had been reading up on potty training last night and I decided that once Angel is better I would start it properly and keep to it so no more confusing her. Today though as soon as I was up she took her nappy off herself and I set the toilet up so she could use it if she wanted to rather than the potty's. She was amazing, all day long when she needed to wee she told me, and went through, hopped up onto the stool and onto the toilet herself. She even managed her first poo on the toilet today ever. I am one massively proud mummy!
I knew that we wouldn't be going out with them both being ill so I made sure to have a sugary breakfast to keep me going through the morning.
I spent the morning dividing my attention between getting the animals fed, looking after poorly T, poorly Angel, being there for Angel to use to loo with plenty of positive encouragement and enthusiasm, tidying the kitchen and playing with Angel on the floor with all her toys, drawing, stickers and even water painting.
I then made lunch, I decided to make a big fry up for T and sausages and toast for Angel, this meant that I was cooking away in the kitchen for quite a while, juggling all the food prep and forgot to think about my lunch, I ended up getting very low blood sugar and having to cook with the major shakes! I managed it though and had a small sandwich to tide me over.
Angel managed to have a nap in the afternoon after a chill out session with me, playing games on my phone. I was going to just relax and knit but I ended up spending my time working on the next chapter of my book and then preparing dinner which involved chopping veg and preparing meat. I then cooked for an hour then found I had to tidy the kitchen up all over again because although I'd cleaned it all at lunch time, making dinner was messy with lots of cooking things and I had to do it all over again. T and Angel ate and I managed a small amount before I had to feed the animals again and clean some of them out.
It sounds hard enough when put like that but I have to admit that I'm also not well, I haven't told T although I think he knows I'm a little unwell just not how unwell. I'm mostly trying to ignore it, I have a sore throat, very bad ear ache and a slight fever which is up and down, but I'm mostly trying to just get on with things and not let it get to me. So far I've managed apart from when I had to cry with the pain while I was cooking but thankfully Angel was only just waking up and T was playing his game.
I'm going to send T to bed soon, I think an early night would do him good. I have my chapter to write up and finish but whether I end up doing that or not I'm not sure.
I'm hoping that both Angel and T will feel better tomorrow so we can go out and do something.
Saturday, 22 September 2012
Working hard
It's been quite a long time since I last wrote here. I have been very very busy with my work ad to be honest, I haven't done anything that much different. That's not to say that everything I do doesn't amaze me or astound me still, it does, it's just that I've had to be dividing my time into other things.
T and Angel went away as I was talking about on my last entry. We all went swimming in the morning and hen I was very upset when they left after lunch, but an afternoon walk into town with my sister once they'd gone meant that it took my mind off things. She helped so much over the first few days, she was only supposed to stay for one night but she ended up staying for two and I was actually very sad to see her leave on Sunday. I had lots of video chats with T and Angel and that helped me feel less lonely. I basically spent all my time working extremely hard to get my work edited and ready to publish and the hard work payed off when I got my latest book published and my next one planned out, including the title and the front cover.
T and Angel came home on the Wednesday afternoon and I was feeling very very low, I tried to hold it back but by the time Angel went to bed, I was in floods of tears. I put it down to them coming home and the loneliness before that as well as some bad dreams, that and the night before I'd had a night off and spent it watching one of my fave series and it was a very depressing few episodes. The next day though I was still feeling the same and after getting up and not being able to go out with them as planned because of how badly my tummy was hurting I dropped lower still until I was very suicidal and couldn't think of much else. I did tell T how I felt and tried to keep and open mind that it was most likely the changes and my normal low phase combining at the same time. T encouraged me to sit and work out some of my new characters for my new book, (after finishing a book like I have recently that makes me depressed too, but this wasn't just the end of a book, it was the end of a series, for now at least). It did help to sit there and work out my characters, make friends with them and get to know them a bit. I came to the conclusion that apart from my Lucy friend, that the best friends are in my head, those are the ones that make me happiest and they never hurt me. Yes I may be deranged but they make me happy.
Yesterday we had planned to go to my nannies house, after the death of her partner, she is feeling very understandably fragile and lonely and she has never had the opportunity to spend all that much time with Angel so, although I was nervous we went over there (I took half a lorazapam but that was all). I was very edgy but we got there and it was so relaxed that I felt calmer. Angel, T and I had our lunch there and it brought back memories of being a child, especially as my nanny had brought me up when my mum couldn't cope with me. She gave us food that reminded me of my childhood and of my greatnan who died many years ago now. Angel settled down very quickly and my nanny got to see her in a way that she has never gotten to see her in before; relaxed, talkative, happy and exploring around. When we got home me and Angel both fell asleep, Angel had tired herself out playing and she isn't 100% well anyway and I was tired because of my meds and fell asleep on T's leg.
Today we went to the big Tesco that we have in our area, it is massive and it was my idea. I forgot to take any aconite and didn't even consider the need to take lorazapam. We went to the library first and I did have some doubts but got out of the car and went in. Angel and I had a lovely time walking round and looking at the books, we took our time and read some of them and browsed leisurely (something I remember not being able to do at a smaller library, nearer home and on meds, not to long ago). We left T getting the books out and walked down at some candy dispensers and I got a little 20p bag of sweets for us to share. Then we went to the opposite end of the shop from the doors by the car and looked for a cover for my new phone which is coming on Tuesday. I'd never dreamed that I would be able to go so far away from the car on no meds in such a huge place. I couldn't have gotten any further from the car. We then traveled from there to a retail park and we went into a shop to get Angel some winter boots (the weather has really taken a cold snap here, definitely autumn now,) and some fleeces. From there Angel and I walked down to a chemist for me to get some more vitamins and some aconite and we did that on our own without T who was moving the car but didn't really need to, by the time he got into the shop Angel and I were happily paying and coming out.
We had intended to eat out but when we got down to the food place, again with Angel and I walked and T going in the car because of his knees, it was packed and the queue was huge so we ended up travelling home and having a little picnic lunch out the front of the house on a picnic blanket.
My dad and sister came round this afternoon and my dad brought some cakes as usual, usually I would save one and not eat in front of them for my nerves, but today, despite having had lunch and a HUGE mocha, I was feeling okay and I shared a doughnut with Angel. They stayed longer and longer, even when we hinted for them to go so we could have some dinner and in the end we had our dinner with them there. I thought I would be panicky but I ate well, very well, I felt too full but no panic and I even shared some chocolate ice-cream with T as a dessert. (The ice-cream was handmade by me :))
I'm suspecting that this blog will drop off a little until a huge challenge like the dentist or similar comes up. As I said, it isn't that i don't appreciate all the things I am doing, or that I don't think they're special, it's more that I'm learning to appreciate them at the time (I don't think I'm describing this well at all, I'm not sure how to.) I will keep this going because it helps me, but I feel the need to do it a bit less I think. I think that is a good sign, I hope it is.
That is all for now, Onto writing my new book now.
T and Angel went away as I was talking about on my last entry. We all went swimming in the morning and hen I was very upset when they left after lunch, but an afternoon walk into town with my sister once they'd gone meant that it took my mind off things. She helped so much over the first few days, she was only supposed to stay for one night but she ended up staying for two and I was actually very sad to see her leave on Sunday. I had lots of video chats with T and Angel and that helped me feel less lonely. I basically spent all my time working extremely hard to get my work edited and ready to publish and the hard work payed off when I got my latest book published and my next one planned out, including the title and the front cover.
T and Angel came home on the Wednesday afternoon and I was feeling very very low, I tried to hold it back but by the time Angel went to bed, I was in floods of tears. I put it down to them coming home and the loneliness before that as well as some bad dreams, that and the night before I'd had a night off and spent it watching one of my fave series and it was a very depressing few episodes. The next day though I was still feeling the same and after getting up and not being able to go out with them as planned because of how badly my tummy was hurting I dropped lower still until I was very suicidal and couldn't think of much else. I did tell T how I felt and tried to keep and open mind that it was most likely the changes and my normal low phase combining at the same time. T encouraged me to sit and work out some of my new characters for my new book, (after finishing a book like I have recently that makes me depressed too, but this wasn't just the end of a book, it was the end of a series, for now at least). It did help to sit there and work out my characters, make friends with them and get to know them a bit. I came to the conclusion that apart from my Lucy friend, that the best friends are in my head, those are the ones that make me happiest and they never hurt me. Yes I may be deranged but they make me happy.
Yesterday we had planned to go to my nannies house, after the death of her partner, she is feeling very understandably fragile and lonely and she has never had the opportunity to spend all that much time with Angel so, although I was nervous we went over there (I took half a lorazapam but that was all). I was very edgy but we got there and it was so relaxed that I felt calmer. Angel, T and I had our lunch there and it brought back memories of being a child, especially as my nanny had brought me up when my mum couldn't cope with me. She gave us food that reminded me of my childhood and of my greatnan who died many years ago now. Angel settled down very quickly and my nanny got to see her in a way that she has never gotten to see her in before; relaxed, talkative, happy and exploring around. When we got home me and Angel both fell asleep, Angel had tired herself out playing and she isn't 100% well anyway and I was tired because of my meds and fell asleep on T's leg.
Today we went to the big Tesco that we have in our area, it is massive and it was my idea. I forgot to take any aconite and didn't even consider the need to take lorazapam. We went to the library first and I did have some doubts but got out of the car and went in. Angel and I had a lovely time walking round and looking at the books, we took our time and read some of them and browsed leisurely (something I remember not being able to do at a smaller library, nearer home and on meds, not to long ago). We left T getting the books out and walked down at some candy dispensers and I got a little 20p bag of sweets for us to share. Then we went to the opposite end of the shop from the doors by the car and looked for a cover for my new phone which is coming on Tuesday. I'd never dreamed that I would be able to go so far away from the car on no meds in such a huge place. I couldn't have gotten any further from the car. We then traveled from there to a retail park and we went into a shop to get Angel some winter boots (the weather has really taken a cold snap here, definitely autumn now,) and some fleeces. From there Angel and I walked down to a chemist for me to get some more vitamins and some aconite and we did that on our own without T who was moving the car but didn't really need to, by the time he got into the shop Angel and I were happily paying and coming out.
We had intended to eat out but when we got down to the food place, again with Angel and I walked and T going in the car because of his knees, it was packed and the queue was huge so we ended up travelling home and having a little picnic lunch out the front of the house on a picnic blanket.
My dad and sister came round this afternoon and my dad brought some cakes as usual, usually I would save one and not eat in front of them for my nerves, but today, despite having had lunch and a HUGE mocha, I was feeling okay and I shared a doughnut with Angel. They stayed longer and longer, even when we hinted for them to go so we could have some dinner and in the end we had our dinner with them there. I thought I would be panicky but I ate well, very well, I felt too full but no panic and I even shared some chocolate ice-cream with T as a dessert. (The ice-cream was handmade by me :))
I'm suspecting that this blog will drop off a little until a huge challenge like the dentist or similar comes up. As I said, it isn't that i don't appreciate all the things I am doing, or that I don't think they're special, it's more that I'm learning to appreciate them at the time (I don't think I'm describing this well at all, I'm not sure how to.) I will keep this going because it helps me, but I feel the need to do it a bit less I think. I think that is a good sign, I hope it is.
That is all for now, Onto writing my new book now.
Thursday, 13 September 2012
Liberation
I'm truly shocked and astounded at how yesterday went with the funeral. After I wrote my blog on Tuesday night I then went off upstairs to pick out what me and Angel should wear. For Angel I found her out a navy daisy patterned dress, dark grey tights and a cute cardigan. I rifled through my wardrobe and found a dress that I havnt worn since before I was pregnant. I put that with warm black tights, my date blue velvet and black lace jacket and the shoes from our 1st wedding, that are about 4 inches high.
In the morning we all got ready and I even put on some mascara which is a rare event for me, but somehow I felt more confident.
We arrived half an you early and had a walk around the graveyard. My dad came first and we chatted to him awhile before the hearse came and the funeral car with my nanny, my sister, my mum and her bf. It felt so wierd seeing my mum again face to face. I just acted normal. We stood furthest from the grave so we were near our car and then when the service was over my nanny came towards us to look at all the flowers. I immediately went to her and hugged her and she cried in my shoulder. I stood with her comforting her and then everyone else swept her up in cuddles and well wishes. In fact the only people I didn't see hug her were my mum and her bf, but I wasn't honestly watching them really, even when mum kept giving T dirty looks and me and Angel pitiful and pleading looks. When everyone else left it was mum and her bf standing by the car, my sister, dad and nan standing with me, t and angel. I hugged my sister and my nanny goodbye and I turned aroud with my little family and the three of us walked hand in hand the opposite way, to our car. That has to be one of the most liberating and freeing things I've ever done. I knew I looked good, healthy and happy and so did my husband and my daughter and I couldn't be more proud. An even better thing was that I was on no meds at all. I did that just me, no meds. I never even dreamed id be able to achieve anything like that.
When we got into the car, I suggested we go out to lunch,I was hungry and my hunger didn't disappear even when we got there,like it usually does. I sat down and I ate like a normal person. I laughed, talked and ate and I didn't start to panic until after is eaten and I realised what is done. It passed quick though with the methods I've learned and I shared some icecream dessert with Angel quite happily. Then we travelled the 25 min journey home.
Today is my last day with Angel before her and T go away to see T's family. I east sure how long they were planning to go for but I presumed only the weekend. Today I asked T so I knew how much to pack for Angel and he said he isn't planning to come home until Wednesday evening. That's a long time and I was already not looking forward to not seeing them. I dont know why but it all feels so final, I guess I'm worrying something bad will happen to them, they are my life and I'm nothing without them, if something happens and I never see them again, I will take my life to join them. I'm so scared ill never see them again.
Tomorrow morning we are planning to go swimming all together then walking to a small supermarket to get me some food for while they're away.
I keep trying to think that I will get time to do some house improvements and do my writing and editing but I will miss them so much I might end up doing nothing. I might just cry all the time. And sleep to make it go quicker.
I'll talk to T tonight and tell him how I feel.
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
Determination
Sunday I didn't go out, T took Angel swimming but I just couldn't muster the energy, confidence or power to go with them, so I stayed home and worked in the house work and then a monster that I was commissioned to make.
Yesterday (Monday) Again I didn't have the zing that I needed to go out, I kept putting it off and off until it was too late. In the afternoon we had a family come and look around at the house, they seemed quite interested in it, so we just wait and see now.
T was supposed to be home all day working yesterday but he ended up having to go in for a meeting in the afternoon. Angel and I played games and she helped me make cakes and do some jobs. We actually had a nice afternoon together, there was no stropping and none of her bad mood so it was so relaxing.
I wanted to go out, I wanted to go to town or the retail park, but both seemed like an impossibility. Last night I sat getting myself into a real state about the idea of going into town, but at the same time I have a very large streak of determination. So even thought I was a panicky mess I knew that I would be at least trying to go in the morning. I decided to do some editing to take my mind off it (that's why my blog entries have gone down, I'm snowed under with work) and then after a shower and a few puzzles and a cuddle with my new sock monkey that T brought me, I finally relaxed enough to put on my hypnotherapy which I fell asleep to.
This morning, I didn't want to wake up... as usual but I also knew what a huge challenge I was putting upon myself. T went out to work early and was working over half an hour away from home so not available if
I suddenly needed picking up, I was really on my own.
I'd packed the bags the night before with snacks and drinks and things we might need, probably over the top to most people but necessary for me and Angel. I really didn't believe I could do what I wanted to do, but I got the pushchair ready and we went out. We walked up to the post box first and posted a letter and then I deliberated whether to walk towards town or go the opposite way to the post office to post a parcel first. Angel told me she wanted to go to see the ducks which meant the town direction so I took it. I was shaky and worried and took a little more loaz and aconite while we sat looking at the ducks and I had a chat with T over the phone, then I don't know, I seem to gain the confidence that was needed and we walked the long and quieter way round to the middle of the town center. I started by buying myself a cold drink as I'd almost finished the one I brought for me. It was the perfect way to start the trip and from there we went to look for another jumper for me from another shop and we ended up going up to the top floor in the lift and spending time up there looking round. We went around the whole of town and brought what we needed and more and Angel had her lunch while we walked around then finished it off with a choc chip cookie that was bigger then her head and took until we got home to eat. I started eating a baguette that I brought while we walked round and by the time we got near our house, half of it was gone. I decided that seeing as I was feeling okay and I'd eaten I would carry on up to the top of the main road to send a parcel before we headed home. Angel wasn't to keen on the extra time out because she was bored by then but I let her out to trot along beside me and we went home and my meds set in. Angel cuddled up to me and I fell asleep on her, I was going between sleep and wakefulness for about an hour in which time, Angel took it upon herself to use her potty and use wipes, she put a blanket over me and surrounded me with pillows and soft toys and she just played.
I was so pleased with how she'd behaved and how well she'd looked after me, It made me feel a lot more comfortable about if I was ever ill or anything. What a big clever girl.
There are two more things that I want to get into this blog, the first is something that T has been planning for the last week or so. He has Friday off work and he's off for 2 more weeks after that. So he is thinking, no planning to take Angel away with him to Norfolk to see his family.He was planning to go mid week next week but after we talked about it we came to the conclusion that if he goes at the beginning of his holiday then when they come home, we have at least a week to all be together and do nice things before he has to go back. So even when I'm depressed about being alone and I'm missing them, I can look forward to them coming home and us getting to do lots of lovely things together.
The other thing that is at the top of my list of things to worry about tonight, is that tomorrow morning is the funeral of my nannies partner. In the newspaper mine and Angel's names were listed as ones that will miss him and it nearly brought me to tears, I can't not go, we didn't get on so well but there were lots of times when I was younger that I stayed with them and he had chats with me and played with me. I think that if I don't go I will be the shame of the family, I want to show my nanny that I care, that I really care for her. I want to show everyone there that I can do this, that I can sit/stand there in front of my mother and mourn the loss of a family member. That I will have my husband and my daughter there, both well dressed, both healthy and both supporting me and there for my nanny too.
*deep breath* so T has canceled his meeting and we're going. Now to work out what to wear and dose myself up if need be in the morning.
This will be the first time I've seen my mum and her boyfriend since they abused me outside their house over a year and half ago and I'm not actually sure how I feel about that yet.
Ah bless my little sister, she says she's going to come an stay over on Friday night so that I won't be alone for the first night which is always the worse.
Yesterday (Monday) Again I didn't have the zing that I needed to go out, I kept putting it off and off until it was too late. In the afternoon we had a family come and look around at the house, they seemed quite interested in it, so we just wait and see now.
T was supposed to be home all day working yesterday but he ended up having to go in for a meeting in the afternoon. Angel and I played games and she helped me make cakes and do some jobs. We actually had a nice afternoon together, there was no stropping and none of her bad mood so it was so relaxing.
I wanted to go out, I wanted to go to town or the retail park, but both seemed like an impossibility. Last night I sat getting myself into a real state about the idea of going into town, but at the same time I have a very large streak of determination. So even thought I was a panicky mess I knew that I would be at least trying to go in the morning. I decided to do some editing to take my mind off it (that's why my blog entries have gone down, I'm snowed under with work) and then after a shower and a few puzzles and a cuddle with my new sock monkey that T brought me, I finally relaxed enough to put on my hypnotherapy which I fell asleep to.
This morning, I didn't want to wake up... as usual but I also knew what a huge challenge I was putting upon myself. T went out to work early and was working over half an hour away from home so not available if
I suddenly needed picking up, I was really on my own.
I'd packed the bags the night before with snacks and drinks and things we might need, probably over the top to most people but necessary for me and Angel. I really didn't believe I could do what I wanted to do, but I got the pushchair ready and we went out. We walked up to the post box first and posted a letter and then I deliberated whether to walk towards town or go the opposite way to the post office to post a parcel first. Angel told me she wanted to go to see the ducks which meant the town direction so I took it. I was shaky and worried and took a little more loaz and aconite while we sat looking at the ducks and I had a chat with T over the phone, then I don't know, I seem to gain the confidence that was needed and we walked the long and quieter way round to the middle of the town center. I started by buying myself a cold drink as I'd almost finished the one I brought for me. It was the perfect way to start the trip and from there we went to look for another jumper for me from another shop and we ended up going up to the top floor in the lift and spending time up there looking round. We went around the whole of town and brought what we needed and more and Angel had her lunch while we walked around then finished it off with a choc chip cookie that was bigger then her head and took until we got home to eat. I started eating a baguette that I brought while we walked round and by the time we got near our house, half of it was gone. I decided that seeing as I was feeling okay and I'd eaten I would carry on up to the top of the main road to send a parcel before we headed home. Angel wasn't to keen on the extra time out because she was bored by then but I let her out to trot along beside me and we went home and my meds set in. Angel cuddled up to me and I fell asleep on her, I was going between sleep and wakefulness for about an hour in which time, Angel took it upon herself to use her potty and use wipes, she put a blanket over me and surrounded me with pillows and soft toys and she just played.
I was so pleased with how she'd behaved and how well she'd looked after me, It made me feel a lot more comfortable about if I was ever ill or anything. What a big clever girl.
There are two more things that I want to get into this blog, the first is something that T has been planning for the last week or so. He has Friday off work and he's off for 2 more weeks after that. So he is thinking, no planning to take Angel away with him to Norfolk to see his family.He was planning to go mid week next week but after we talked about it we came to the conclusion that if he goes at the beginning of his holiday then when they come home, we have at least a week to all be together and do nice things before he has to go back. So even when I'm depressed about being alone and I'm missing them, I can look forward to them coming home and us getting to do lots of lovely things together.
The other thing that is at the top of my list of things to worry about tonight, is that tomorrow morning is the funeral of my nannies partner. In the newspaper mine and Angel's names were listed as ones that will miss him and it nearly brought me to tears, I can't not go, we didn't get on so well but there were lots of times when I was younger that I stayed with them and he had chats with me and played with me. I think that if I don't go I will be the shame of the family, I want to show my nanny that I care, that I really care for her. I want to show everyone there that I can do this, that I can sit/stand there in front of my mother and mourn the loss of a family member. That I will have my husband and my daughter there, both well dressed, both healthy and both supporting me and there for my nanny too.
*deep breath* so T has canceled his meeting and we're going. Now to work out what to wear and dose myself up if need be in the morning.
This will be the first time I've seen my mum and her boyfriend since they abused me outside their house over a year and half ago and I'm not actually sure how I feel about that yet.
Ah bless my little sister, she says she's going to come an stay over on Friday night so that I won't be alone for the first night which is always the worse.
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Lonliness
Today has been steadily getting worse, after a positive day there just had to be big negatives thrown in didn't there.
Its been going on a while with ny dad, my nanny still hasn't replied to me and P told me the funeral is on Wednesday. T keeps saying that its everyone else with the problem but it isn't, it can't be;there are too many people that hate me,not all of them are fucked up. It's me. Im a shit daughter, granddaughter and friend. I have barely anyone left and one day the 5 people that care for me will leave me too. Including Angel when she's old enough to know what I am and T when his heart changes. I guess that on the day I finally lose everyone I can leave this life behind.
Longest time
This is the longest time that I haven't written a blog for since I started! I don't know why even. I was in a bad way when I last wrote an entry too, not the best time to leave it.
Monday night I was exhausted and worn down both mentally and physically and I still didn't sleep much.
Tuesday I took Angel for a walk around the streets, just the quieter ones as I was quite anxious but I got out and did it and felt better for it. That night I decided to take some meds to make me sleep that night; I knew if I didn't then I would hurt myself or stay up all night torturing myself more.
Wednesday I slept through thanks to the meds, although I forgot to leave a note to tell T why he couldn't wake me up and why I hadn't set an alarm. In the end I was roused from sleep and I decided to do something nice with Angel as I was feeling better for my sleep. I was very nervous though and we started going to the post box, then around the quieter streets, trying to beat back the fear, the phobia which kept trying to make me go home and give in. In the end I felt calm enough to get far enough away from home to walk all the way along the canal, it was a warm day and beautiful to be walking in such a pretty place in the sun. The only thing that made it difficult was Angel's mood; she has been in an awful mood all week, it just doesn't seem to be passing. Anyway, we were out over an hour and apart from moodiness had a nice time.
Wednesday night my sister came to stay and we watched another movie while I knitted and we chatted. I'm finding that I'm more comfortable with her company at the moment, I think it's one of those things, the more we do it, the better I feel about it. Even to the point that I have a bladder infection, its nearly gone now but Wednesday night I was literally doubled up with it and feeling nausea because of it, but I was able to talk to P about it and not have to hide away.
Thursday P and I decided to go to town, my pain was less and we got Angel in the pram. I took half a lorazapam but then felt I might need more so took another half but it was a larger half because it had split wrong and on an empty stomach.... well I was stoned. I know we went to town, I know I brought things and I can remember snatches of it, but that's all. When we got home again I fell asleep on T's shoulder while he was working and Angel and P were playing on the floor. They took photos, tried to make me jump and poked me but nothing worked, I was out of it. At one point T moved me off him and lay me on some pillows with a blanket but I only vaguely remember that. I woke up for a few hours that evening to have something to eat then I fell asleep again at not long past 8 on a full tummy, which I NEVER do! I slept until nearly 8 the next day too!
Friday (Yesterday) I got up and didn't feel as well rested as I should have done for all the sleep but I got up and decided to take Angel for a walk in her pushchair up to the post box. I didn't expect to get far but I ended up walking up to the shop on the main road to get bread, posted the letters there then walked the opposite way to go to the doctors to put in my prescription, I then walked to the big park and then along a long main road to another set of shops to look around. We then came home the long way and I told T all about what we'd done, feeling surprised at what I'd achieved and on no lorazapam. T had to go out to work not long after we got home and I felt okay about it, I got me and Angel into the bath and we washed then had a late lunch. Kardi came around in the afternoon and we played outside for ages, drawing chalk patterns on the floor, playing with a ball, with Angel's pushchair with her and just talking. Kardi once again struck me with how much he loves Angel to bits. T was home early and he went back out to get a Chinese for us, I don't usually eat from take-outs, it's far to scary and triggering for the emetophobia, but last night Kardi an T talked me into it and I actually ate a lot for me and enjoyed it and didn't panic after. It was date night last night so once Angel was in bed asleep, T and I cuddled up on the sofa and watched a romance before as good as falling into bed very tired.
This morning I got up, feeling confident again, put on a maxi dress, silver heels and did my hair nice, even put on a new ring. Then we went out and I hadn't eaten much but I got out of the car when we got to the new pet shop and looked around, didn't even flinch, even at the back of the shop which was went very far back. We brought our cats a new little scratching post toy which they will love and some food for our rat and guinea-pigs. From there we decided to go over to another pet shop to see if they had any rats left because we're looking for another female to go with the one we have to settle her down and give her a companion. We arrived and because there is no parking we had to park down the street and walk and I asked myself if I felt okay in that minute and if yes then I would most likely be okay to go just down the road, (even thought it felt like miles away to me). It was the sweetest thing, as if they both sensed my fear, Angel took one had and T the other and we walked to the shop like that and I felt so much safer than usual. They had a little girl rat left, only one and we looked at her and agreed she was perfect. We brought her and drove him, Angel moaned most of the way back; she was tired and moody. I ended up feeling really hungry on the drive home and scoffed a whole packet of crisps. Then just as we got home, we decided to go back out to yet another pet shop to buy my rats, Phoenix and Syndil a new cage to make it better for handling them both and socializing. After a short argument. caused by Angel played up again and me getting frustrated and using a swear word at her then feeling as though all my confidence had gone so getting changed, we dropped Syndil home to start getting settled then went the short drive to the retail park. We couldn't park very near the doors but although I'd just eaten and felt like a pig I went in ahead of T and Angel and choose a new cage, then we had a look around the shop at the animals and Angel helped me choose some dog biscuits for our rats, then we paid and went back to the car. Just before we came out of the shop Angel had played me up badly, even hit me at one point and I hate to admit that. She apologized when we got back to the car and hugged me for ages but it really did upset me and I have to say I am really not enjoying looking after her just lately, I'm so tired of her moods. We decided to get lunch out and take it home then Angel could go to sleep sooner. We sat outside on a picnic blanket to eat and even saw a few neighbors passing by but I felt okay, not much panic or worry, although I have had very low appetite today which always worries me.
Thankfully Angel had a sleep this afternoon and I got on with hanging some new paper in the bedroom (which I've never done before, but my dad (a painter and decorator) doesn't seem to want to help with. It went okay and I only made a small mess, then I painted the wall. I made up a nice pale green colour from tester pots and a tin of cream paint, it really is a nice colour and the room will look gorgeous when it's all done, no thanks to my dad. Screw you daddy... look, I'm doing it myself!
Talking of dad, him and P were supposed to come around today as it is a weekend they spend together, but they didn't again, I thought that might be the case, I think dad has a problem with us, I wish he would just say what, but at least P had a nice time with him, I think.
Now I'm really hoping to get some editing done before I have to give in and go to bed. I'm dreading next week already :( I really wish Angel would snap back to being the lovely little girl she used to be. I miss that little girl.
Monday night I was exhausted and worn down both mentally and physically and I still didn't sleep much.
Tuesday I took Angel for a walk around the streets, just the quieter ones as I was quite anxious but I got out and did it and felt better for it. That night I decided to take some meds to make me sleep that night; I knew if I didn't then I would hurt myself or stay up all night torturing myself more.
Wednesday I slept through thanks to the meds, although I forgot to leave a note to tell T why he couldn't wake me up and why I hadn't set an alarm. In the end I was roused from sleep and I decided to do something nice with Angel as I was feeling better for my sleep. I was very nervous though and we started going to the post box, then around the quieter streets, trying to beat back the fear, the phobia which kept trying to make me go home and give in. In the end I felt calm enough to get far enough away from home to walk all the way along the canal, it was a warm day and beautiful to be walking in such a pretty place in the sun. The only thing that made it difficult was Angel's mood; she has been in an awful mood all week, it just doesn't seem to be passing. Anyway, we were out over an hour and apart from moodiness had a nice time.
Wednesday night my sister came to stay and we watched another movie while I knitted and we chatted. I'm finding that I'm more comfortable with her company at the moment, I think it's one of those things, the more we do it, the better I feel about it. Even to the point that I have a bladder infection, its nearly gone now but Wednesday night I was literally doubled up with it and feeling nausea because of it, but I was able to talk to P about it and not have to hide away.
Thursday P and I decided to go to town, my pain was less and we got Angel in the pram. I took half a lorazapam but then felt I might need more so took another half but it was a larger half because it had split wrong and on an empty stomach.... well I was stoned. I know we went to town, I know I brought things and I can remember snatches of it, but that's all. When we got home again I fell asleep on T's shoulder while he was working and Angel and P were playing on the floor. They took photos, tried to make me jump and poked me but nothing worked, I was out of it. At one point T moved me off him and lay me on some pillows with a blanket but I only vaguely remember that. I woke up for a few hours that evening to have something to eat then I fell asleep again at not long past 8 on a full tummy, which I NEVER do! I slept until nearly 8 the next day too!
Friday (Yesterday) I got up and didn't feel as well rested as I should have done for all the sleep but I got up and decided to take Angel for a walk in her pushchair up to the post box. I didn't expect to get far but I ended up walking up to the shop on the main road to get bread, posted the letters there then walked the opposite way to go to the doctors to put in my prescription, I then walked to the big park and then along a long main road to another set of shops to look around. We then came home the long way and I told T all about what we'd done, feeling surprised at what I'd achieved and on no lorazapam. T had to go out to work not long after we got home and I felt okay about it, I got me and Angel into the bath and we washed then had a late lunch. Kardi came around in the afternoon and we played outside for ages, drawing chalk patterns on the floor, playing with a ball, with Angel's pushchair with her and just talking. Kardi once again struck me with how much he loves Angel to bits. T was home early and he went back out to get a Chinese for us, I don't usually eat from take-outs, it's far to scary and triggering for the emetophobia, but last night Kardi an T talked me into it and I actually ate a lot for me and enjoyed it and didn't panic after. It was date night last night so once Angel was in bed asleep, T and I cuddled up on the sofa and watched a romance before as good as falling into bed very tired.
This morning I got up, feeling confident again, put on a maxi dress, silver heels and did my hair nice, even put on a new ring. Then we went out and I hadn't eaten much but I got out of the car when we got to the new pet shop and looked around, didn't even flinch, even at the back of the shop which was went very far back. We brought our cats a new little scratching post toy which they will love and some food for our rat and guinea-pigs. From there we decided to go over to another pet shop to see if they had any rats left because we're looking for another female to go with the one we have to settle her down and give her a companion. We arrived and because there is no parking we had to park down the street and walk and I asked myself if I felt okay in that minute and if yes then I would most likely be okay to go just down the road, (even thought it felt like miles away to me). It was the sweetest thing, as if they both sensed my fear, Angel took one had and T the other and we walked to the shop like that and I felt so much safer than usual. They had a little girl rat left, only one and we looked at her and agreed she was perfect. We brought her and drove him, Angel moaned most of the way back; she was tired and moody. I ended up feeling really hungry on the drive home and scoffed a whole packet of crisps. Then just as we got home, we decided to go back out to yet another pet shop to buy my rats, Phoenix and Syndil a new cage to make it better for handling them both and socializing. After a short argument. caused by Angel played up again and me getting frustrated and using a swear word at her then feeling as though all my confidence had gone so getting changed, we dropped Syndil home to start getting settled then went the short drive to the retail park. We couldn't park very near the doors but although I'd just eaten and felt like a pig I went in ahead of T and Angel and choose a new cage, then we had a look around the shop at the animals and Angel helped me choose some dog biscuits for our rats, then we paid and went back to the car. Just before we came out of the shop Angel had played me up badly, even hit me at one point and I hate to admit that. She apologized when we got back to the car and hugged me for ages but it really did upset me and I have to say I am really not enjoying looking after her just lately, I'm so tired of her moods. We decided to get lunch out and take it home then Angel could go to sleep sooner. We sat outside on a picnic blanket to eat and even saw a few neighbors passing by but I felt okay, not much panic or worry, although I have had very low appetite today which always worries me.
Thankfully Angel had a sleep this afternoon and I got on with hanging some new paper in the bedroom (which I've never done before, but my dad (a painter and decorator) doesn't seem to want to help with. It went okay and I only made a small mess, then I painted the wall. I made up a nice pale green colour from tester pots and a tin of cream paint, it really is a nice colour and the room will look gorgeous when it's all done, no thanks to my dad. Screw you daddy... look, I'm doing it myself!
Talking of dad, him and P were supposed to come around today as it is a weekend they spend together, but they didn't again, I thought that might be the case, I think dad has a problem with us, I wish he would just say what, but at least P had a nice time with him, I think.
Now I'm really hoping to get some editing done before I have to give in and go to bed. I'm dreading next week already :( I really wish Angel would snap back to being the lovely little girl she used to be. I miss that little girl.
Monday, 3 September 2012
I don't understand
I shouldn't be here now. I shouldn't be trying to smile let alone go out and do things. I dont understand how I'm keeping going. I don't remember the last time I slept more than an hour at a time, I don't remember when I last went to bed and fell asleep without nightmares, panic or insomnia. I don't remember the last time I ate because I enjoyed it and bit just to stop blood sugar dropping too low. I cook for T and Angel,clean and look after the animals but right now Im not on my list of things to care for. I just don't understand any of it.
Staying in
Today I was intending to take Angel out to the post office at least to go and post a parcel for T but after a really crappy night's sleep again, if it can be classed as sleeping, I kept trying to prepare myself but ended up nowhere. Angel played out the front with her friend and I chatted to mine for a while in the sun which was really lovely, but then we came inside again and ate an early lunch, we were all famished for some reason. After lunch I took Angel into the garden to play in the sand while I cleaned the rabbit out, did some weeding and watched her playing. I managed to get some great pictures and we had a lovely time outside in the warm afternoon air. When we came inside I thought Angel might go for a nap or at least a lie down but any signs of tiredness she'd shown earlier were gone and she was raring to go and play again.
I ended up playing with her and making up games all afternoon to keep her occupied while she continued to challenge me on everything.
Not much else has happened, I made a early dinner, didn't really eat much myself because I made something for T and Angel that they would love but I didn't. I ate my small meal while I washed up and did the housework and now I have tonnes of work to get done before I go to bed, which has to be earlier tonight
and I need to actually sleep.
I'm really hoping that I'll feel up to at least going for a little walk tomorrow, I could do with popping to Sainsburys to get some of my milk but I'll have to see how brave I'm feeling.
Oh and as a last note, I still haven't heard anything at all from my nanny about her partner who died last week. I have no idea as far as she knows.
I ended up playing with her and making up games all afternoon to keep her occupied while she continued to challenge me on everything.
Not much else has happened, I made a early dinner, didn't really eat much myself because I made something for T and Angel that they would love but I didn't. I ate my small meal while I washed up and did the housework and now I have tonnes of work to get done before I go to bed, which has to be earlier tonight
and I need to actually sleep.
I'm really hoping that I'll feel up to at least going for a little walk tomorrow, I could do with popping to Sainsburys to get some of my milk but I'll have to see how brave I'm feeling.
Oh and as a last note, I still haven't heard anything at all from my nanny about her partner who died last week. I have no idea as far as she knows.
Sunday, 2 September 2012
A long weekend
This weekend starting Friday was a bit stressful in places. Kardi came over Friday afternoon which meant I had to watch what I ate and was on edge. He didn't leave until nearly Angel's bedtime and although I had a nice time with him, I was nervous and jittery. T brought P over on the way home from work and we had some dinner together, watched step-up 2 and just relaxed, had fun, and chatted about the day after when she would be meeting R for the first time in person. I was more than happy to help and we ended up staying up very late talking about the day after, all the things she was scared of and anything that might help. I gave her some aconite to help her sleep then I went off to bed, feeling absolutely exhausted and drained and not looking forward to my alarm going off in the morning.
Saturday morning T was up with Angel a an hour or so before I got up and then P got up around 9 which is a lot earlier for her but she wanted time to get ready. She was very very anxious and T and I did all we could to calm her down including lots of talking and encouragement, more aconite and even a quarter of a lorazapam, (I have never given my meds out before but I knew it was barely anything, wouldn't get her addicted and that this day, this meeting was one of the most important things that had happened in her life so far and I wanted it to go as smoothly as it could). In the end she went and I was so guilty for 'making' her in case it went bad or she didn't like him in person or something. We were running late on going out but it was worth it and we went out about 11 for a trip to the retail park to get Angel and me some new socks and slippers and to look for a new coat for me and T. I was very very nervous after a bad nights sleep and lots of anxiety and worry, but I made myself go out and do it.
Angel really started to play up towards the end of the shopping trip, even though it was only about an hour, it was her lunch time and she was hungry and tired from getting up early. While we were out P called me and said she was feeling really bad and I gave her some phone support then she braved it and went back out to him, I couldn't have been prouder of her, she is amazing and brave.
We got home and had lunch, I had safe lunch, not knowing what would be happening the rest of the day and I was glad of it when my closest friend L text me to ask if it was okay to come an stay here for a little while. I'm not going into details on here, but we were more than happy for her to come stay and we then spent the rest of the afternoon plowing through tidying and cleaning the dining room, making it ready to be used as a bedroom best we could in a few hours with a toddlers 'help'. I was beginning to get all worried about P when it got to 6 at night and we STILL had heard nothing from her, we were just hoping that she was having such a great time that she hadn't thought to look at her phone and we were right. She got back at about half past 6 with a massive grin on her face and when we got Angel in bed she told us all about it and I squealed and bounced and happy danced for her, it was a major success and she was so grateful we'd 'made' her go.
L arrived after P had finally had some food (her ad R hadn't eaten all day!), we showed her to her room and then her and her mum went back out to get some food while T took P home and I caught up with the housework and took 5 mins outside just to breathe.
I spent the rest of the evening putting together a knitted mouse I'd made and chatting to L and T while I worked. It was a nice evening but another late one and then a bad nights sleep again.
This morning L got a call from her mum to tell her that she'd found her somewhere better suited and more permanent to stay so she packed up again. It was lovely having her to stay, we'd all enjoyed it but it wasn't the best long term option with all our pets and the limited space in that room, especially with Angel getting up early and waking L up!
L went again with her mum while she was still in the area and although I was feeling a bit panicky again we went out to get me some more aconite and look around for a new coat for me as I have nothing even vaguely waterproof. We parked the car up and I didn't want to get out but I reasoned that it was better to get out and try looking round and have to go back to the car, than to sit in the car and not try at all. I got out and held Angel's hand and we found the aconite, although there was no offer on and it's quite expensive so we only got one.
We came out of the shop and I had a quick glance around outfit for a coat, very quickly establishing that it was all vastly overpriced and nowhere near as good as it should be for the money. I wanted to go down to TK Maxx which was the shop at the very bottom of the shopping park and our car was parked at the other end nearly. Usually we would all get into the car and move it nearer or if I was feeling confident enough I would walk down with Angel and T would move the car. Today however, I don't know, I felt..okay I guess and we all walked down together, leaving the car where it was. I felt okay and we looked around and the leap of faith paid off, I found a gorgeous coat which is warm, has a hood, matches me and my wierdo style and was well enough priced for me to get. Angel was really playing up by this point again and I told T to take her back to the car and that I would pay and catch up. I got in the queue, and refused to panic and paid then walked the length of the shops alone to get to the car. T was surprised but pleased with me and my unexpected bout of confidence, I did have a quarter of lorazapam this morning after a rough night again but I worked for it too, it wasn't just the meds, they only helped a little.
This afternoon though, the lack of sleep and the tiny amount of loraz, mixed with some warm lunch and some choccy biscuits and I was exhausted and almost falling asleep on my knitting again so T sent me to bed. I ended up sleeping a few hours and feel a bit better for it now.
I'm not really looking forward to being on my own with Angel tomorrow, just because of how busy and social the weekend has been. I kinda feel lonely. I'm sure if me and Angel don't wind each other up we can look after each other and have a nice time though, especially with the dining room being so tidy, I could set up the whole of her happy land in there for her, she would love that! I may do that, be fun for me too and take my mind of this building depression.
I'm hoping to get some writing done now, either for my other blog or for my book, I just need to lose myself in fantasy land to drive the blues away.
Saturday morning T was up with Angel a an hour or so before I got up and then P got up around 9 which is a lot earlier for her but she wanted time to get ready. She was very very anxious and T and I did all we could to calm her down including lots of talking and encouragement, more aconite and even a quarter of a lorazapam, (I have never given my meds out before but I knew it was barely anything, wouldn't get her addicted and that this day, this meeting was one of the most important things that had happened in her life so far and I wanted it to go as smoothly as it could). In the end she went and I was so guilty for 'making' her in case it went bad or she didn't like him in person or something. We were running late on going out but it was worth it and we went out about 11 for a trip to the retail park to get Angel and me some new socks and slippers and to look for a new coat for me and T. I was very very nervous after a bad nights sleep and lots of anxiety and worry, but I made myself go out and do it.
Angel really started to play up towards the end of the shopping trip, even though it was only about an hour, it was her lunch time and she was hungry and tired from getting up early. While we were out P called me and said she was feeling really bad and I gave her some phone support then she braved it and went back out to him, I couldn't have been prouder of her, she is amazing and brave.
We got home and had lunch, I had safe lunch, not knowing what would be happening the rest of the day and I was glad of it when my closest friend L text me to ask if it was okay to come an stay here for a little while. I'm not going into details on here, but we were more than happy for her to come stay and we then spent the rest of the afternoon plowing through tidying and cleaning the dining room, making it ready to be used as a bedroom best we could in a few hours with a toddlers 'help'. I was beginning to get all worried about P when it got to 6 at night and we STILL had heard nothing from her, we were just hoping that she was having such a great time that she hadn't thought to look at her phone and we were right. She got back at about half past 6 with a massive grin on her face and when we got Angel in bed she told us all about it and I squealed and bounced and happy danced for her, it was a major success and she was so grateful we'd 'made' her go.
L arrived after P had finally had some food (her ad R hadn't eaten all day!), we showed her to her room and then her and her mum went back out to get some food while T took P home and I caught up with the housework and took 5 mins outside just to breathe.
I spent the rest of the evening putting together a knitted mouse I'd made and chatting to L and T while I worked. It was a nice evening but another late one and then a bad nights sleep again.
This morning L got a call from her mum to tell her that she'd found her somewhere better suited and more permanent to stay so she packed up again. It was lovely having her to stay, we'd all enjoyed it but it wasn't the best long term option with all our pets and the limited space in that room, especially with Angel getting up early and waking L up!
L went again with her mum while she was still in the area and although I was feeling a bit panicky again we went out to get me some more aconite and look around for a new coat for me as I have nothing even vaguely waterproof. We parked the car up and I didn't want to get out but I reasoned that it was better to get out and try looking round and have to go back to the car, than to sit in the car and not try at all. I got out and held Angel's hand and we found the aconite, although there was no offer on and it's quite expensive so we only got one.
We came out of the shop and I had a quick glance around outfit for a coat, very quickly establishing that it was all vastly overpriced and nowhere near as good as it should be for the money. I wanted to go down to TK Maxx which was the shop at the very bottom of the shopping park and our car was parked at the other end nearly. Usually we would all get into the car and move it nearer or if I was feeling confident enough I would walk down with Angel and T would move the car. Today however, I don't know, I felt..okay I guess and we all walked down together, leaving the car where it was. I felt okay and we looked around and the leap of faith paid off, I found a gorgeous coat which is warm, has a hood, matches me and my wierdo style and was well enough priced for me to get. Angel was really playing up by this point again and I told T to take her back to the car and that I would pay and catch up. I got in the queue, and refused to panic and paid then walked the length of the shops alone to get to the car. T was surprised but pleased with me and my unexpected bout of confidence, I did have a quarter of lorazapam this morning after a rough night again but I worked for it too, it wasn't just the meds, they only helped a little.
This afternoon though, the lack of sleep and the tiny amount of loraz, mixed with some warm lunch and some choccy biscuits and I was exhausted and almost falling asleep on my knitting again so T sent me to bed. I ended up sleeping a few hours and feel a bit better for it now.
I'm not really looking forward to being on my own with Angel tomorrow, just because of how busy and social the weekend has been. I kinda feel lonely. I'm sure if me and Angel don't wind each other up we can look after each other and have a nice time though, especially with the dining room being so tidy, I could set up the whole of her happy land in there for her, she would love that! I may do that, be fun for me too and take my mind of this building depression.
I'm hoping to get some writing done now, either for my other blog or for my book, I just need to lose myself in fantasy land to drive the blues away.
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