Liberation

I'm truly shocked and astounded at how yesterday went with the funeral. After I wrote my blog on Tuesday night I then went off upstairs to pick out what me and Angel should wear. For Angel I found her out a navy daisy patterned dress, dark grey tights and a cute cardigan. I rifled through my wardrobe and found a dress that I havnt worn since before I was pregnant. I put that with warm black tights, my date blue velvet and black lace jacket and the shoes from our 1st wedding, that are about 4 inches high.

In the morning we all got ready and I even put on some mascara which is a rare event for me, but somehow I felt more confident.

We arrived half an you early and had a walk around the graveyard. My dad came first and we chatted to him awhile before the hearse came and the funeral car with my nanny, my sister, my mum and her bf. It felt so wierd seeing my mum again face to face. I just acted normal. We stood furthest from the grave so we were near our car and then when the service was over my nanny came towards us to look at all the flowers. I immediately went to her and hugged her and she cried in my shoulder. I stood with her comforting her and then everyone else swept her up in cuddles and well wishes. In fact the only people I didn't see hug her were my mum and her bf, but I wasn't honestly watching them really, even when mum kept giving T dirty looks and me and Angel pitiful and pleading looks. When everyone else left it was mum and her bf standing by the car, my sister, dad and nan standing with me, t and angel. I hugged my sister and my nanny goodbye and I turned aroud with my little family and the three of us walked hand in hand the opposite way, to our car. That has to be one of the most liberating and freeing things I've ever done. I knew I looked good, healthy and happy and so did my husband and my daughter and I couldn't be more proud. An even better thing was that I was on no meds at all. I did that just me, no meds. I never even dreamed id be able to achieve anything like that.

When we got into the car, I suggested we go out to lunch,I was hungry and my hunger didn't disappear even when we got there,like it usually does. I sat down and I ate like a normal person. I laughed, talked and ate and I didn't start to panic until after is eaten and I realised what is done. It passed quick though with the methods I've learned and I shared some icecream dessert with Angel quite happily. Then we travelled the 25 min journey home.

Today is my last day with Angel before her and T go away to see T's family. I east sure how long they were planning to go for but I presumed only the weekend. Today I asked T so I knew how much to pack for Angel and he said he isn't planning to come home until Wednesday evening. That's a long time and I was already not looking forward to not seeing them. I dont know why but it all feels so final, I guess I'm worrying something bad will happen to them, they are my life and I'm nothing without them, if something happens and I never see them again, I will take my life to join them. I'm so scared ill never see them again.

Tomorrow morning we are planning to go swimming all together then walking to a small supermarket to get me some food for while they're away.

I keep trying to think that I will get time to do some house improvements and do my writing and editing but I will miss them so much I might end up doing nothing. I might just cry all the time. And sleep to make it go quicker.

I'll talk to T tonight and tell him how I feel.