Determination

Sunday I didn't go out, T took Angel swimming but I just couldn't muster the energy, confidence or power to go with them, so I stayed home and worked in the house work and then a monster that I was commissioned to make.

Yesterday (Monday) Again I didn't have the zing that I needed to go out, I kept putting it off and off until it was too late. In the afternoon we had a family come and look around at the house, they seemed quite interested in it, so we just wait and see now.

T was supposed to be home all day working yesterday but he ended up having to go in for a meeting in the afternoon. Angel and I played games and she helped me make cakes and do some jobs. We actually had a nice afternoon together, there was no stropping and none of her bad mood so it was so relaxing.

I wanted to go out, I wanted to go to town or the retail park, but both seemed like an impossibility. Last night I sat getting myself into a real state about the idea of going into town, but at the same time I have a very large streak of determination. So even thought I was a panicky mess I knew that I would be at least trying to go in the morning. I decided to do some editing to take my mind off it (that's why my blog entries have gone down, I'm snowed under with work) and then after a shower and a few puzzles and a cuddle with my new sock monkey that T brought me, I finally relaxed enough to put on my hypnotherapy which I fell asleep to.

This morning, I didn't want to wake up... as usual but I also knew what a huge challenge I was putting upon myself. T went out to work early and was working over half an hour away from home so not available if
I suddenly needed picking up, I was really on my own.
I'd packed the bags the night before with snacks and drinks and things we might need, probably over the top to most people but necessary for me and Angel. I really didn't believe I could do what I wanted to do, but I got the pushchair ready and we went out. We walked up to the post box first and posted a letter and then I deliberated whether to walk towards town or go the opposite way to the post office to post a parcel first. Angel told me she wanted to go to see the ducks which meant the town direction so I took it. I was shaky and worried and took a little more loaz and aconite while we sat looking at the ducks and I had a chat with T over the phone, then I don't know, I seem to gain the confidence that was needed and we walked the long and quieter way round to the middle of the town center. I started by buying myself a cold drink as I'd almost finished the one I brought for me. It was the perfect way to start the trip and from there we went to look for another jumper for me from another shop and we ended up going up to the top floor in the lift and spending time up there looking round. We went around the whole of town and brought what we needed and more and  Angel had her lunch while we walked around then finished it off with a choc chip cookie that was bigger then her head and took until we got home to eat. I started eating a baguette that I brought while we walked round and by the time we got near our house, half of it was gone. I decided that seeing as I was feeling okay and I'd eaten I would carry on up to the top of the main road to send a parcel before we headed home. Angel wasn't to keen on the extra time out because she was bored by then but I let her out to trot along beside me and we went home and my meds set in. Angel cuddled up to me and I fell asleep on her, I was going between sleep and wakefulness for about an hour in which time, Angel took it upon herself to use her potty and use wipes, she put a blanket over me and surrounded me with pillows and soft toys and she just played.
I was so pleased with how she'd behaved and how well she'd looked after me, It made me feel a lot more comfortable about if I was ever ill or anything. What a big clever girl.

There are two more things that I want to get into this blog, the first is something that T has been planning for the last week or so. He has Friday off work and he's off for 2 more weeks after that. So he is thinking, no planning to take Angel away with him to Norfolk to see his family.He was planning to go mid week next week but after we talked about it we came to the conclusion that if he goes at the beginning of his holiday then when they come home, we have at least a week to all be together and do nice things before he has to go back. So even when I'm depressed about being alone and I'm missing them, I can look forward to them coming home and us getting to do lots of lovely things together.

The other thing that is at the top of my list of things to worry about tonight, is that tomorrow morning is the funeral of my nannies partner. In the newspaper mine and Angel's names were listed as ones that will miss him and it nearly brought me to tears, I can't not go, we didn't get on so well but there were lots of times when I was younger that I stayed with them and he had chats with me and played with me. I think that if I don't go I will be the shame of the family, I want to show my nanny that I care, that I really care for her. I want to show everyone there that I can do this, that I can sit/stand there in front of my mother and mourn the loss of a family member. That I will have my husband and my daughter there, both well dressed, both healthy and both supporting me and there for my nanny too.
*deep breath* so T has canceled his meeting and we're going. Now to work out what to wear and dose myself up if need be in the morning.

This will be the first time I've seen my mum and her boyfriend since they abused me outside their house over a year and  half ago and I'm not actually sure how I feel about that yet.

Ah bless my little sister, she says she's going to come an stay over on Friday night so that I won't be alone for the first night which is always the worse.