It's been days since I last wrote an entry in my blog. In that time Angel seems to have hit a stage in her development where she is constantly battles with T and especially me. She says she wants one thing for example for lunch and when you make it for her she sits there and says I want 'such and such'. I'm not sure why it's such a battle because she knows that no matter how much she pushes, she gets only what she's given. Like now, she asked for fries, so I made the for us for lunch then she sat there when i gave her the plate saying "I want waffles" and I've basically said no you eat what you got or wait for dinner. I's her choice but she wont get what she wants.
She's started whining about things but not telling us what she wants and even ignoring us when we ask her. She isn't as bad with her daddy but with me, it all games and challenging me. Saying that though she is absolutely brilliant where it really matters, like when I'm feeling poorly or we are near a road or something, the she does exactly as she's told, so i guess that if she is going to challenge she's doing it in a safe atmosphere.
On with other things then, Wednesday was T's last day off work and we were hoping to do something special like swimming or something, in the end we decided to take Angel to a huge indoor play area. We drove all the way over there to find that there was no places to park outside and the place was packed. We decided to drive into town instead and have a walk around the shops. I was feeling very nervous and on edge about it but the half a loraz I took helped me get there and talk myself out of the car and into the town center. We looked around the shops and I managed to do okay, we were looking for trainers for me but we never found anything that worked, although it was very nice to take my time and try everything on and think about it and not rush because I was panicking or anything. Angel had her lunch in her pram as we pushed her round and T ate his walking too, it was only me that didn't eat but when we got back to the car to go home I started on my baguette. We didn't go round all that many shops and it was thrashing down with rain but it was nice regardless.
Thursday, (yesterday) T went back to work and I had Angel on my own for the morning and part of the afternoon. I just kind of fit back into it and although as I said before it's hard right now with her challenges, it was alright. We went out for a walk to the post box and Angel decided she would rather walk than go in the pushchair and we walked together in the drizzle. It was nice and I actually felt relaxed. We went through the little park and then out onto the main road hand in hand. We walked all the way down to the edge of the big park but then I thought although I wanted to carry on, we should go home because we were supposed to be waiting in for a parcel for T. I hadn't taken any lorazapam and I was okay though and I couldn't help but think about when I never used to be even able to go to the shop or the post box without at least a quarter of a lorazapam.
The afternoon got more hectic when T came home and Angel decided that she was going to play up to get his attention and I got more stressed again. I was glad when it got to her bedtime and I got to do some writing.
Today (Friday) I found out this morning that my nannies partner died last night about 10.00pm and I only know because my little sister told me. I knew he had lunch cancer but the last I heard he was having therapy and responding okay to it. ( I only knew that much because my sister had told me.) She told me this morning that he has terminal cancer and he was in a hostel they knew he was dying although he was in denial. Apparently he had gotten so bad that although he wanted to die at home, my nanny couldn't look after him. I never really got on very well with him, but it's still sad that he died and in so much pain and so suddenly. I'm waiting to see whether my nanny will ring me to tell me about the funeral and such. I want to go to the funeral to pay my respects and be there for my nanny but nanny is my mum's mum which means that my mum will definitely be there and I will be faced with her after a year and a half of estrangement.
T went into work and Kardi is coming around very soon to spend some time with me and Angel. Later on my sister is coming over to stay for the night and she's meeting her fancy guy tomorrow, she hasn't met him before but they've met online and been talking for months, just like me and T did. She's a nervous wreck at the moment, she suffers with anxiety and panic attacks also and she's scared of being sick in public, so i guess she has a form of emetophobia too. She's always had a very sensitive tummy from birth and she's scared that with being anxious she will be poorly in front of her guy tomorrow, I can completely understand, bless her. So she's given me the job of looking after her and distracting her tonight then tomorrow, convincing her and drugging her if need be so she goes to meet him. I actually feel honored that she has asked me to help her do this and not our mum... maybe she is finally realizing what mum is like. Maybe her R is having the effect of pulling her away from mums clutches and setting her free.
Tonight P will be coming over and we will watch step up 2, which I love love love and then we will probably chat until bed while I sit knitting like an old lady. Then tomorrow morning I will have challenge of persuading her she will be okay and getting myself up and ready to go out.
Talking of getting up, I've been having a lot of trouble getting up in the morning and I have no set up two new app alarms on my phone to get me going in the morning. I got one that just plays random music and another one which is harsher and I set it up to only snooze 3 times then the alarm just keeps going off and off until I shake the phone for ten seconds and it then turns off and I am awake. I slept through the music alarm and then pressed snooze without even realizing on the second one. Finally the snoozes were up and it kept going and going until I shook it and made myself wake up, by which time T was in fits of giggles watching me and I was feeling most discombobulated but pleased to have woken up before Angel for a change.
I took Angel out in her stroller for a while this morning, I was going to take her to a shop to get her some new socks or to another shop to just look around and get some lunch. I ended up taking her into the big park and looking at the ducks but I felt dizzy with my blood sugar and ended up walking back home, feeling quite on edgy and panicky.
Now Angel is acting up and I'm thinking of putting her in her cot for a while for a rest for both of us, even if it's only 5 mins. Although I'm feeling a bit nervous about Kardi coming especially as I've had some lunch, I'm also looking forward to it because Angel loves playing with him and he makes it easier.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Beginning, middle, and end.
Today has been a rough day. It started off really well, after a day in yesterday we went out early and looked around some shops, taking our time and gathering supplies for painting and decorating the house. I was on no lorazapam but managed to stay calm and go in the shops. We had planned that weather Angel had a sleep or not, I would do some stripping or painting in the afternoon. We ended up being out over 2 and a half hours and by the time we got home we had a great selection of things to get us started doing the decorating and we were all hungry and eagerly scoffed lunch.
I set to work on the stairway, stripping the woodchip, but T kept getting impatient with Angel and pushing for her to have a lie in her cot when I could clearly see she didn't need it. After battling on with ny guilt and listening to t's mood getting worse I stopped what I was doing and went to help. I ended up just sitting around all afternoon. Angel was irritable and moany, T was tired and grumpy and I was getting steadily more peed off with being in a house with two moody people. If it wasn't for my anxiety after eating I'd have gone out and left them to it. I was so angry and annoyed and we all ended up arguing and falling out. I got more and more stressed and tempted until I gave in and found a blade, I didn't care that I was in plan sight if one of them walked in. I knew it had been building.
After our evening meal we all seemed to perk up a bit and T decided to get on with some decorating prep so we could crack on when Angel went to bed.
She was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow and T and I got on with the stripping and painting in the bathroom and cubby between the bathroom and kitchen. We've not long finished and Tidied up after ourselves but our walls are now blue and look a lot better.
I'm really hoping for a better day tomorrow whatever we end up doing
Monday, 27 August 2012
No support network
I know this is my second post of the evening but right now there are too many things going on inside my mind which I'm hoping to get out so they will allow me to sleep.
It's been at least a month, maybe more since I last hurt myself but the feeling is growing, it isn't an achievement it's a bad sign because I know sometimes soon I will lose it and usually the longer its been the worse it is. At the moment everything seems to be coming together to persuade me into it and who am I to argue, it's what I do, it's what I enjoy.
The other night I was talking about how my dad seems to have gone very quiet and off with us and how it was upsetting me. To rub salt into the wounds, not only is he ignoring my messages but I found out a little while ago that T has tried to text him too, but has had no response.
It's not only my father that I'm angry with. It's my family in general. In fact the only person who I'm unashamed of and who cares for us is my little sister.
My grandparents (Angel's grandparents) don't see us, they act like they like us when we go to see them but they never make an effort to come see us, or even call or text, even when it is Angel's birthday or Yule.
My nanny (Angel's Greatnan) couldn't get here to see Angel for her birthday because of her boyfriend being in a hostel and she can't drive. I respect that and I love her to bits, she helped to bring me up when my mum couldn't/wouldn't and my dad worked away. But she only comes to see us on Angel's birthday and she doesn't call or message us. Again we have to make contact. Although I love her, it is a disappointment.
My mum (Angel's nanny) It's been over a year and a half since she physically abused me, tried to snatch Angel and we severed contact with her. I don't even know where to start with her faults so to save me from my mood I will stop there.
My aunties, uncles and cousins on my dads side, have never taken an interest in my sister or me and we are as good as estranged. They are un-supportive, selfish low lives.
My uncles on my mum's side, there are three, one I have only met once, one adored me and helped my mum with me as a child but committed suicide when I was 10. My other uncle seemed to like us too despite him being an agoraphobic, alcoholic with lots of other mental problems which he was never given help for. He has so many of his own problems that I don't blame him for his lack of contact. He is drinking himself into an early grave and he knows what he's doing.
So that's it, that's my family. That's my support network. That's Angels support network.. it's non-existent. There is only two people that I am staying here for; my sister P and my childhood friend Kardi.
Even T's family who live miles and miles away can make an effort to come see us, they are happy to come here and help out when things have happened in the past and when my own family refuse to help us decorate the nursery when I was pregnant and had to go up ladders with a heavy bump to do it all myself. If we didn't have T's family, we would have no one.
For a while, I was happy here, I had a friend close by, but that friend wasn't a real one and I'm left hurting. I don't want to be living here anymore. I want a new house, a new area and a new start for me and my husband and little girl. We would love to move nearby to T's family, but with T's job we can't. This again is where I wish I had a career that actually paid so that I could support us and we could move and afford everything we need. We are putting in a renewed effort into selling the house and hopefully we can move at least half an hour away to a new city where there won't be the risk of running into people who we only exist to on their terms or who wishes us bad and wants to make us unhappy.
We've got all we can out of here now and it's time to move on.
It's been at least a month, maybe more since I last hurt myself but the feeling is growing, it isn't an achievement it's a bad sign because I know sometimes soon I will lose it and usually the longer its been the worse it is. At the moment everything seems to be coming together to persuade me into it and who am I to argue, it's what I do, it's what I enjoy.
The other night I was talking about how my dad seems to have gone very quiet and off with us and how it was upsetting me. To rub salt into the wounds, not only is he ignoring my messages but I found out a little while ago that T has tried to text him too, but has had no response.
It's not only my father that I'm angry with. It's my family in general. In fact the only person who I'm unashamed of and who cares for us is my little sister.
My grandparents (Angel's grandparents) don't see us, they act like they like us when we go to see them but they never make an effort to come see us, or even call or text, even when it is Angel's birthday or Yule.
My nanny (Angel's Greatnan) couldn't get here to see Angel for her birthday because of her boyfriend being in a hostel and she can't drive. I respect that and I love her to bits, she helped to bring me up when my mum couldn't/wouldn't and my dad worked away. But she only comes to see us on Angel's birthday and she doesn't call or message us. Again we have to make contact. Although I love her, it is a disappointment.
My mum (Angel's nanny) It's been over a year and a half since she physically abused me, tried to snatch Angel and we severed contact with her. I don't even know where to start with her faults so to save me from my mood I will stop there.
My aunties, uncles and cousins on my dads side, have never taken an interest in my sister or me and we are as good as estranged. They are un-supportive, selfish low lives.
My uncles on my mum's side, there are three, one I have only met once, one adored me and helped my mum with me as a child but committed suicide when I was 10. My other uncle seemed to like us too despite him being an agoraphobic, alcoholic with lots of other mental problems which he was never given help for. He has so many of his own problems that I don't blame him for his lack of contact. He is drinking himself into an early grave and he knows what he's doing.
So that's it, that's my family. That's my support network. That's Angels support network.. it's non-existent. There is only two people that I am staying here for; my sister P and my childhood friend Kardi.
Even T's family who live miles and miles away can make an effort to come see us, they are happy to come here and help out when things have happened in the past and when my own family refuse to help us decorate the nursery when I was pregnant and had to go up ladders with a heavy bump to do it all myself. If we didn't have T's family, we would have no one.
For a while, I was happy here, I had a friend close by, but that friend wasn't a real one and I'm left hurting. I don't want to be living here anymore. I want a new house, a new area and a new start for me and my husband and little girl. We would love to move nearby to T's family, but with T's job we can't. This again is where I wish I had a career that actually paid so that I could support us and we could move and afford everything we need. We are putting in a renewed effort into selling the house and hopefully we can move at least half an hour away to a new city where there won't be the risk of running into people who we only exist to on their terms or who wishes us bad and wants to make us unhappy.
We've got all we can out of here now and it's time to move on.
Battles
Before I start this entry I wanted to add something that I forgot to write on here on my last blog entry. It might not sound much to most people but I managed something for the first time ever since I have been with my husband. On Angel's birthday I managed to get the confidence together to sing happy birthday to her in front of him. I managed it and I didn't even feel that self-conscious, but it was the first time ever that I have sang in front of him.
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I was absolutely exhausted yesterday and ended up falling asleep early and not getting around to my blog, so I'm catching up again tonight.
Yesterday morning was hard but the hard work payed off in the end and I was actually proud of myself for once, or maybe I was just surprised.
T wasn't up for going out at all, his knees were so bad that I told him he had to stay on the sofa and rest all day unless he was going to the bathroom. He needed repeatedly telling off until he finally got the message and rested. I decided that I didn't want to be stuck in all day, so I got the letters from the shelf and got mine and Angel's bags ready before talking myself into getting the stroller out of the car and setting it all up to go out. I had some aconite but decided to skip the lorazapam, thinking that I was going only as far as the little park if that, although I did pick up a little shopping list I'd made the day before for some ingredients to make T a homemade curry which he's been fancying for a while. I didn't really believe I would make it to the supermarket though.
I went out and feeling a little edgy, pushed Angel to the post box. She asked if we could go into the park and although I was feeling not at my best I decided to indulge her. While we went through the empty park, I tried a new technique that I learned from an emetophobic forum, where I feel/look inside myself to work out where the nausea feeling is coming from; if it feels like it's coming from my throat then the chances are its with wind or panic. If it's in my tummy there is more chance of it being an illness but depending on the way it feels I can work out if it is more likely to be something else. It takes a lot of practice and work and feeling inside yourself for what you really feel but I find it works quite well sometimes and I will take any method that helps even a little.
We got out onto the main road and I decided that it was more likely hunger or anxiety by the feeling of it and I carried on walking, denying the feeling it's hold over me. I kept going past the shortcut home, the longer route home, the medical center and the last route home and continued on to the diggers which Angel loved watching for a while, while I looked up opening times for the shop I was thinking of going to.
We set off again and went into the big park, I decided that I would walk through the bit park looking at the birds and things and then if from where I can see the shop from just past the park and it was closed, I would go home again, if it was open I would keep going.
When we got out of the other side of the park I could see the shop and it looked closed but I kept myself going forward, telling myself that I was only trying to find out if I could see people going inside or not. We got as far as the slope down to the shop and I decided to take another route, through a garden. The garden was closed but it was so quiet in that area that I decided to let Angel out of the pushchair and let her walk for a while, while I decided what to do. We walked all round the outside of the garden, down a residential but very quiet road and I took a quarter of a lorazapam. The shop was definitely closed when we got nearer and instead of standing outside it panicking I decided to go sit in the pretty garden and I let Angel sit with me on the bench and have a drink while we looked at the flowers and waited for the shop to open. As I sat there though, I got myself more and more worked up as I watched town getting more and more full of people. Some police arrived and came into the park and they made me worse; I don't trust police at all, they always make me on edge.
I text T to tell him where I was and what I was doing and he offered that if I needed picking up he would pick me up, and he also said that if I didn't feel up to going any further, he thinks I'm wonderful anyway and very brave. I nibbled some crisps and sipped my drink then made myself get up and get Angel in the pushchair to try for getting the shopping in the small supermarket, with only one in and one out door, in a very public place with no hidey holes and with no toilets inside. I was scared, terrified even but I made myself keep going.
We got inside the doors and I took a breath, grabbed a basket and went inside. I started getting the food, having to go back on myself a few times because the nerves were making me forgetful and I couldn't see things in front of my eyes. I also picked up some plain biscuits in little packets for me to take out with me and some special treats for T and Angel. We payed and then we walked outside again. I took the more busy route home, but I was feeling strong and confident and pleased with my achievements. T was so proud when we got home, he hadn't expected me to just carry on and he said that I am amazing and brave and he married a wonderful person, (needless to say I blushed).
The afternoon however went downhill from there really, we had some lunch and then I kept trying to get bits of housework and stripping the walls done but T was completely absorbed in playing his Xbox while I looked after him and Angel and juggled everything else too. Angel was also being a pain in the butt, crying lots and triggering me and then being naughty because she was trying to get T's attention. I was very annoyed but kept going until when she was in bed and I'd done all the housework I had no energy left to do anything and ended up falling asleep very early then having nightmares and panic attacks waking me up every half hour- hour from then onward until I was woken this morning by T saying he needed me up straight away because he was in pain again.
I dragged myself out of bed and made myself get dressed in record time even though my eyes wouldn't even see clearly. I had a little breakfast downstairs but right from when I got up Angel was in a really crappy mood and played me up. T managed to stand up long enough to have a shower which made him feel a little better and we were intending to go out but by the time we got ready Angel was in a VERY bad mood and I was that way too and I just didn't have the energy to try. We had an early lunch and not long after we put Angel in her cot for a sleep while T sorted out some of his writing stuff and I did some knitting as I have 3 commissions to get through in the next 3 weeks. When Angel woke up thankfully she was in a better mood and after we shared a shower bath, I put on some music and we all danced, even T who couldn't stand up and dance but did so sitting down.
While Angel and T had their dinner, I did the washing up, sorted out the kitchen, cleaned the hob and then did some more stripping on the staircase. Tomorrow I'm hoping that we get going early enough to get to a shop where I can buy some paint and filler and things to help me do more DIY and decorating. I'm a small, one girl band but I will have a house that we are happy to live in even if it takes a year and several collapses from exhaustion.
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I was absolutely exhausted yesterday and ended up falling asleep early and not getting around to my blog, so I'm catching up again tonight.
Yesterday morning was hard but the hard work payed off in the end and I was actually proud of myself for once, or maybe I was just surprised.
T wasn't up for going out at all, his knees were so bad that I told him he had to stay on the sofa and rest all day unless he was going to the bathroom. He needed repeatedly telling off until he finally got the message and rested. I decided that I didn't want to be stuck in all day, so I got the letters from the shelf and got mine and Angel's bags ready before talking myself into getting the stroller out of the car and setting it all up to go out. I had some aconite but decided to skip the lorazapam, thinking that I was going only as far as the little park if that, although I did pick up a little shopping list I'd made the day before for some ingredients to make T a homemade curry which he's been fancying for a while. I didn't really believe I would make it to the supermarket though.
I went out and feeling a little edgy, pushed Angel to the post box. She asked if we could go into the park and although I was feeling not at my best I decided to indulge her. While we went through the empty park, I tried a new technique that I learned from an emetophobic forum, where I feel/look inside myself to work out where the nausea feeling is coming from; if it feels like it's coming from my throat then the chances are its with wind or panic. If it's in my tummy there is more chance of it being an illness but depending on the way it feels I can work out if it is more likely to be something else. It takes a lot of practice and work and feeling inside yourself for what you really feel but I find it works quite well sometimes and I will take any method that helps even a little.
We got out onto the main road and I decided that it was more likely hunger or anxiety by the feeling of it and I carried on walking, denying the feeling it's hold over me. I kept going past the shortcut home, the longer route home, the medical center and the last route home and continued on to the diggers which Angel loved watching for a while, while I looked up opening times for the shop I was thinking of going to.
We set off again and went into the big park, I decided that I would walk through the bit park looking at the birds and things and then if from where I can see the shop from just past the park and it was closed, I would go home again, if it was open I would keep going.
When we got out of the other side of the park I could see the shop and it looked closed but I kept myself going forward, telling myself that I was only trying to find out if I could see people going inside or not. We got as far as the slope down to the shop and I decided to take another route, through a garden. The garden was closed but it was so quiet in that area that I decided to let Angel out of the pushchair and let her walk for a while, while I decided what to do. We walked all round the outside of the garden, down a residential but very quiet road and I took a quarter of a lorazapam. The shop was definitely closed when we got nearer and instead of standing outside it panicking I decided to go sit in the pretty garden and I let Angel sit with me on the bench and have a drink while we looked at the flowers and waited for the shop to open. As I sat there though, I got myself more and more worked up as I watched town getting more and more full of people. Some police arrived and came into the park and they made me worse; I don't trust police at all, they always make me on edge.
I text T to tell him where I was and what I was doing and he offered that if I needed picking up he would pick me up, and he also said that if I didn't feel up to going any further, he thinks I'm wonderful anyway and very brave. I nibbled some crisps and sipped my drink then made myself get up and get Angel in the pushchair to try for getting the shopping in the small supermarket, with only one in and one out door, in a very public place with no hidey holes and with no toilets inside. I was scared, terrified even but I made myself keep going.
We got inside the doors and I took a breath, grabbed a basket and went inside. I started getting the food, having to go back on myself a few times because the nerves were making me forgetful and I couldn't see things in front of my eyes. I also picked up some plain biscuits in little packets for me to take out with me and some special treats for T and Angel. We payed and then we walked outside again. I took the more busy route home, but I was feeling strong and confident and pleased with my achievements. T was so proud when we got home, he hadn't expected me to just carry on and he said that I am amazing and brave and he married a wonderful person, (needless to say I blushed).
The afternoon however went downhill from there really, we had some lunch and then I kept trying to get bits of housework and stripping the walls done but T was completely absorbed in playing his Xbox while I looked after him and Angel and juggled everything else too. Angel was also being a pain in the butt, crying lots and triggering me and then being naughty because she was trying to get T's attention. I was very annoyed but kept going until when she was in bed and I'd done all the housework I had no energy left to do anything and ended up falling asleep very early then having nightmares and panic attacks waking me up every half hour- hour from then onward until I was woken this morning by T saying he needed me up straight away because he was in pain again.
I dragged myself out of bed and made myself get dressed in record time even though my eyes wouldn't even see clearly. I had a little breakfast downstairs but right from when I got up Angel was in a really crappy mood and played me up. T managed to stand up long enough to have a shower which made him feel a little better and we were intending to go out but by the time we got ready Angel was in a VERY bad mood and I was that way too and I just didn't have the energy to try. We had an early lunch and not long after we put Angel in her cot for a sleep while T sorted out some of his writing stuff and I did some knitting as I have 3 commissions to get through in the next 3 weeks. When Angel woke up thankfully she was in a better mood and after we shared a shower bath, I put on some music and we all danced, even T who couldn't stand up and dance but did so sitting down.
While Angel and T had their dinner, I did the washing up, sorted out the kitchen, cleaned the hob and then did some more stripping on the staircase. Tomorrow I'm hoping that we get going early enough to get to a shop where I can buy some paint and filler and things to help me do more DIY and decorating. I'm a small, one girl band but I will have a house that we are happy to live in even if it takes a year and several collapses from exhaustion.
Saturday, 25 August 2012
A looong 2 day catch up (A lot's happened)
I shall start at the start; yesterday morning.
It was T's first day of leave and we were intending to go to the zoo with Angel or to the butterfly farm, but T's knees were hurting him so bad, he whether he admitted it or not was not in a fit state to be driving that far. So I suggested we stay in the City we live in and go get a few last minute things for Angel's birthday. We went to a huge toy store and I have to admit I was very very reluctant to go out, especially as I'd spent most of the night downstairs having panic attacks. T assured me that I would be okay, but I felt so on edge. I decided to take some aconite and a quarter of a lorazapam and then let T talk me into getting into the car with him and Angel. He said that I should at least stay in the car for the drive there and then whether I go in or not when we get there, I've at least been out. I reluctantly agreed and we set off. The shop is over by where my mum lives and I started to get a little worried that we might bump into her but thankfully we didn't. It's a massive shop and I really didn't think I would be able to go in. T parked near the exit door so that if I did go in and needed to come out quickly I would come out to the car right in front of me.
I decided that despite my fear, I'd get out of the car and at least walk to the doors with T and Angel then if I wasn't up for going inside, go back to the car, I had the car keys so felt a little safer about doing it.
I was holding Angel's hand and I decided to go in, I don't know why, not sure what was spurring me on but I went in and reminded myself that there were toilets down the end furthest from the exit and then at the other end of the shop was the exit and the car. We walked to the exit end first and looked around the strollers as we're thinking of getting a new one to replace the small one we have now and the huge travel system which is so heavy I can barely carry it. Angel started to get bored so we moved onto looking around the toys and further into the shop. I was a little anxious but not panicky and I helped us chose the things we wanted, then we walked the length of the shop a few times, looking for the other things we wanted, to find they were right by the check-outs and we'd missed them because the range of them had been reduced.
Once we had what we wanted we went to the only check-out open and payed and Angel told the lady behind the counter that we were buying her birthday presents for tomorrow. We went back out to the car and once we were all in I sat there stunned at being able to go in there from what a state I'd been in earlier in the morning and how scared I'd been.
We drove across to a pet shop which is on a busy main road and there was nowhere to park but we wanted to go inside to have a look for another rat for Pheonix because she needs a friend really. We ended up parking really far up one of the side roads and T assured me that the pet shop was just around the corner at the end of the road. I said I would walk to the end of the road and see how I felt and if I was okay, I'd keep going. We got to the corner and I couldn't see the pet shop, only a busy bus stop and a very busy road. I had a feeling we were parked much further away than T thought but I kept going, I had Angel's hand in mine and I was feeling calm enough to carry on. It turned out that the pet shop was quite a distance up this main road but I did it and I managed to keep myself calm enough and after looking round the shop leisurely we made our way slowly back to the car, this time with me carrying Angel who'd announced she was tired. Apart from the fact that my arm felt like it was going to fall off from her weight I was feeling pleased that I'd been able to do something that might seem simple to most people but is a real challenge for me.
Next we decided to pop into the pet shop on the way home, to check if they had any rats. Once again, we weren't parked that near and it was pretty busy but I went in, and we had a good look round at all the animals several times; Angel loves animals, like her mummy and daddy. We established that the rats were all males and we need a female to go with our female so we went to get some food and headed home.
When we got back, Kardi text me, part way through my lunch to tell me he was on his way over. I was a little unsure but I didn't want to tell him no when he wanted to see Angel for her birthday. So I just ate less of my lunch and tried to keep calm. He arrived and he played with Angel then while she had a nap he helped me finish making her cake, tidying up, sort out and put away the shopping delivery, wrap and decorate the last of Angel's presents and we talked about my newest book ideas. I had a really nice afternoon. T didn't because of his knees, he was in a lot of pain but I did my very best to look after him and make him tea and food and make sure he didn't have to move around too much.
Once Angel finally went to bed last night, I blew up balloons and strung them to the ceiling, hung up red streamers and some silver bunting and stacked all her presents along one wall before covering them with a big blanket so she couldn't see them until after her breakfast the next morning.
I was exhausted by the time I finally sat down and rested but I knew it would all be worth it in the end.
*********************************************************************************
Today
After a night of very vivid nightmares I forced myself to wake up so that I could see Angel's little face when she came downstairs and saw the living room all decorated. I also wanted to have my breakfast with T and Angel so that I would be ready to watch and help Angel open her presents.
I dragged myself up and got dressed then we all went downstairs and I pulled the blind up and Angel's face lit up at the decorations. She announced that she wanted a balloon and I had anticipated that, I took the spare balloon I'd blown up and put it on the pink stick for her to play with while me and T went about making breakfast for us all and the cats.
Angel knew what her birthday meant, she wolfed her breakfast down so that she could have her presents and she got very impatient at me and her daddy for being slower than her and slowing her down on getting to the pile of presents all along the wall. They were still covered with the blanket but she knew what was in there.
Finally after like five minutes to us but a decade to her we pulled the blanket back and showed her her pile of pressies and she jumped right in and started opening the first one. The first part of the morning was spent with me sitting on the floor helping Angel open her presents and T sitting on the sofa with his poorly knees, taking photos of our now 2 year old.
Once all the opening was done T and Angel popped to get some fruit while I stayed home and got myself prepared for going out and put up Angel's scooter she'd gotten for her birthday; the only thing she'd actually requested.
Then it was time to go out and with all the new toys she had through so many bargains and some second hand stuff we desperately needed to get some new stackers for them all. I again was very nervous about going out and took some aconite to help. The short journey there was quite nerve wracking and wen we arrived I didn't feel in a fit state to go into the shop. T brought the stackers and came back out to the car and had to make them all fit. I decided to pop back inside now on a quarter of loraz and get Angel some sweeties for being so good and patient with us and because I was running out of things to feed her. Despite feeling very on edge still, I took her in alone and I let her choose what she wanted, which was a HUGE packet of dolly mixture, which she said was for mummy and daddy to share too. T came into the shop a moment later and he got us both a drink as he was very thirsty and we were supposed to be heading to another pet shop to look for a rat afterwards. I got panicky in the longish queue but I made myself stay and I did it. We then drove a little way to the other pet shop and again, there was nowhere to park near so T parked up a side street and said he and Angel would go and I could wait in the car. I didn't want to though, I was geared up ready to go and we did, I was fine, even when Angel ran around the shop ten times looking at the animals and happily skipping about. Who needs a zoo when she loves and pet shop and it's free. We established there were only males there too and we went back to the car to go home and get some lunch and sort out the living room and all Angel's toys.
We now have a much tidier and ordered living room, which my OCD really likes and its easier to keep tidy with the new drawers. Angel then went to bed for a much needed sleep after her over stimulation of pressies and the going out to see animals.
So now for a bit of a moan to finish us off.....
I expected to get a text from my sister this morning to say happy birthday to Angel but I got nothing, I can let her off for that though, she came over in the afternoon.
My dad however has annoyed me because it was his birthday last Saturday and he decided to go away to camp on his own, which was fair enough. He said that he wasn't going to take his phone or if he did he wasn't going to turn it on unless there was an emergency, which again, a little ignorant if his girls or his granddaughter want to text or call and wish him a happy birthday, but fair enough. I text him a few times to say happy birthday etc and I'd just expected him to reply when he got home to say thank you o at least to tell us he wasn't dead somewhere in the mountains alone. But I got nothing all week, until last night when he text not saying thank you but just asking when he could come over with my sister. I told him half past 3 which would give us time to do what we wanted in the morning and give Angel a chance to have a sleep before they got here.
Before 3 I got a text to say can we come now, annoying when I'd told them what time was suitable. I text back and said yes but Angel would be asleep. They turned up not much later.
I'd asked my dad to look around the house at the work that we need doing and give me a quote so we can get him in to do it and last time he was here he conveniently 'forgot' to mention it. Then he'd skipped a week, not coming around when he said he would and letting us and Angel down and today he didn't seem keen. I pushed him to walk around the house with me so he could see what we want doing and give me a number for how much it will cost us. (He's a very good and very experienced painter and decorator).
He reluctantly followed me around and ummed and arred then skirted around giving us a price, changing the subject and trying to put us off by saying he isn't available to do it until October at the earliest if at all. He clearly wasn't keen and didn't want to and I sat there feeling so ashamed of my family, of my mum for not even giving enough of a crap about us to even put a status on facebook about her granddaughters birthday, for not even trying to get in touch to give her a card. Do we mean that less to her than she's managed to forget about us enough not to care? I don't want her in our lives, I think but I also don't want to know that we are as good as dead to her. Then my dad, being off with us, ignoring contact, not wanting to help his daughter make their house a home. I feel so alone. I have barely any family, the only person I see from my very small family is P my sister and I love her to bits. But sometimes I get so jealous of T with all his family, so many people that love him. I have him, Angel and P that love me. I'm not trying to sound self-pitying, I'm just trying to explain how it made me feel to know he doesn't want to be in our lives for more than an hour every two weeks at most.
The very last thing that really peed me off about my dad today was the present he got Angel for her birthday. I never ask for much but he usually goes out his way to spend at least £50.00 on her, being his only granddaughter. But for me it isn't the money that counts, it is the gift, even if he made her some painted stones, but he's put love and care into making them I wouldn't care. What he actually gave her, a 2 year old was an adult sized bracelet which is almost too big for me, and an old gift which I think my mum gave to him when we lived all together; a mug in a tin, only he's filled the mug with unwrapped jelly babies. I didn't want a solid gold bar for her, or a present at all, but it is the thought that counts and there was no thought there.
I also found out today, through my sister as my Nanny seems to be ignoring my texts also that my Nannies partner who has cancer is now in a hostel and he's been told he might not come out. We are hoping that although we hear barely anything from her to go and see her on Monday if she's in, see how she is and how she's coping with it all.
Anyway, I apologize, this is a long entry and there is much moaning at the end. To end on a more positive note, Angel had a great birthday and she went to bed happy and content.
And now time for me to get some writing done before I get too tired and have no energy left for anything.
It was T's first day of leave and we were intending to go to the zoo with Angel or to the butterfly farm, but T's knees were hurting him so bad, he whether he admitted it or not was not in a fit state to be driving that far. So I suggested we stay in the City we live in and go get a few last minute things for Angel's birthday. We went to a huge toy store and I have to admit I was very very reluctant to go out, especially as I'd spent most of the night downstairs having panic attacks. T assured me that I would be okay, but I felt so on edge. I decided to take some aconite and a quarter of a lorazapam and then let T talk me into getting into the car with him and Angel. He said that I should at least stay in the car for the drive there and then whether I go in or not when we get there, I've at least been out. I reluctantly agreed and we set off. The shop is over by where my mum lives and I started to get a little worried that we might bump into her but thankfully we didn't. It's a massive shop and I really didn't think I would be able to go in. T parked near the exit door so that if I did go in and needed to come out quickly I would come out to the car right in front of me.
I decided that despite my fear, I'd get out of the car and at least walk to the doors with T and Angel then if I wasn't up for going inside, go back to the car, I had the car keys so felt a little safer about doing it.
I was holding Angel's hand and I decided to go in, I don't know why, not sure what was spurring me on but I went in and reminded myself that there were toilets down the end furthest from the exit and then at the other end of the shop was the exit and the car. We walked to the exit end first and looked around the strollers as we're thinking of getting a new one to replace the small one we have now and the huge travel system which is so heavy I can barely carry it. Angel started to get bored so we moved onto looking around the toys and further into the shop. I was a little anxious but not panicky and I helped us chose the things we wanted, then we walked the length of the shop a few times, looking for the other things we wanted, to find they were right by the check-outs and we'd missed them because the range of them had been reduced.
Once we had what we wanted we went to the only check-out open and payed and Angel told the lady behind the counter that we were buying her birthday presents for tomorrow. We went back out to the car and once we were all in I sat there stunned at being able to go in there from what a state I'd been in earlier in the morning and how scared I'd been.
We drove across to a pet shop which is on a busy main road and there was nowhere to park but we wanted to go inside to have a look for another rat for Pheonix because she needs a friend really. We ended up parking really far up one of the side roads and T assured me that the pet shop was just around the corner at the end of the road. I said I would walk to the end of the road and see how I felt and if I was okay, I'd keep going. We got to the corner and I couldn't see the pet shop, only a busy bus stop and a very busy road. I had a feeling we were parked much further away than T thought but I kept going, I had Angel's hand in mine and I was feeling calm enough to carry on. It turned out that the pet shop was quite a distance up this main road but I did it and I managed to keep myself calm enough and after looking round the shop leisurely we made our way slowly back to the car, this time with me carrying Angel who'd announced she was tired. Apart from the fact that my arm felt like it was going to fall off from her weight I was feeling pleased that I'd been able to do something that might seem simple to most people but is a real challenge for me.
Next we decided to pop into the pet shop on the way home, to check if they had any rats. Once again, we weren't parked that near and it was pretty busy but I went in, and we had a good look round at all the animals several times; Angel loves animals, like her mummy and daddy. We established that the rats were all males and we need a female to go with our female so we went to get some food and headed home.
When we got back, Kardi text me, part way through my lunch to tell me he was on his way over. I was a little unsure but I didn't want to tell him no when he wanted to see Angel for her birthday. So I just ate less of my lunch and tried to keep calm. He arrived and he played with Angel then while she had a nap he helped me finish making her cake, tidying up, sort out and put away the shopping delivery, wrap and decorate the last of Angel's presents and we talked about my newest book ideas. I had a really nice afternoon. T didn't because of his knees, he was in a lot of pain but I did my very best to look after him and make him tea and food and make sure he didn't have to move around too much.
Once Angel finally went to bed last night, I blew up balloons and strung them to the ceiling, hung up red streamers and some silver bunting and stacked all her presents along one wall before covering them with a big blanket so she couldn't see them until after her breakfast the next morning.
I was exhausted by the time I finally sat down and rested but I knew it would all be worth it in the end.
*********************************************************************************
Today
After a night of very vivid nightmares I forced myself to wake up so that I could see Angel's little face when she came downstairs and saw the living room all decorated. I also wanted to have my breakfast with T and Angel so that I would be ready to watch and help Angel open her presents.
I dragged myself up and got dressed then we all went downstairs and I pulled the blind up and Angel's face lit up at the decorations. She announced that she wanted a balloon and I had anticipated that, I took the spare balloon I'd blown up and put it on the pink stick for her to play with while me and T went about making breakfast for us all and the cats.
Angel knew what her birthday meant, she wolfed her breakfast down so that she could have her presents and she got very impatient at me and her daddy for being slower than her and slowing her down on getting to the pile of presents all along the wall. They were still covered with the blanket but she knew what was in there.
Finally after like five minutes to us but a decade to her we pulled the blanket back and showed her her pile of pressies and she jumped right in and started opening the first one. The first part of the morning was spent with me sitting on the floor helping Angel open her presents and T sitting on the sofa with his poorly knees, taking photos of our now 2 year old.
Once all the opening was done T and Angel popped to get some fruit while I stayed home and got myself prepared for going out and put up Angel's scooter she'd gotten for her birthday; the only thing she'd actually requested.
Then it was time to go out and with all the new toys she had through so many bargains and some second hand stuff we desperately needed to get some new stackers for them all. I again was very nervous about going out and took some aconite to help. The short journey there was quite nerve wracking and wen we arrived I didn't feel in a fit state to go into the shop. T brought the stackers and came back out to the car and had to make them all fit. I decided to pop back inside now on a quarter of loraz and get Angel some sweeties for being so good and patient with us and because I was running out of things to feed her. Despite feeling very on edge still, I took her in alone and I let her choose what she wanted, which was a HUGE packet of dolly mixture, which she said was for mummy and daddy to share too. T came into the shop a moment later and he got us both a drink as he was very thirsty and we were supposed to be heading to another pet shop to look for a rat afterwards. I got panicky in the longish queue but I made myself stay and I did it. We then drove a little way to the other pet shop and again, there was nowhere to park near so T parked up a side street and said he and Angel would go and I could wait in the car. I didn't want to though, I was geared up ready to go and we did, I was fine, even when Angel ran around the shop ten times looking at the animals and happily skipping about. Who needs a zoo when she loves and pet shop and it's free. We established there were only males there too and we went back to the car to go home and get some lunch and sort out the living room and all Angel's toys.
We now have a much tidier and ordered living room, which my OCD really likes and its easier to keep tidy with the new drawers. Angel then went to bed for a much needed sleep after her over stimulation of pressies and the going out to see animals.
So now for a bit of a moan to finish us off.....
I expected to get a text from my sister this morning to say happy birthday to Angel but I got nothing, I can let her off for that though, she came over in the afternoon.
My dad however has annoyed me because it was his birthday last Saturday and he decided to go away to camp on his own, which was fair enough. He said that he wasn't going to take his phone or if he did he wasn't going to turn it on unless there was an emergency, which again, a little ignorant if his girls or his granddaughter want to text or call and wish him a happy birthday, but fair enough. I text him a few times to say happy birthday etc and I'd just expected him to reply when he got home to say thank you o at least to tell us he wasn't dead somewhere in the mountains alone. But I got nothing all week, until last night when he text not saying thank you but just asking when he could come over with my sister. I told him half past 3 which would give us time to do what we wanted in the morning and give Angel a chance to have a sleep before they got here.
Before 3 I got a text to say can we come now, annoying when I'd told them what time was suitable. I text back and said yes but Angel would be asleep. They turned up not much later.
I'd asked my dad to look around the house at the work that we need doing and give me a quote so we can get him in to do it and last time he was here he conveniently 'forgot' to mention it. Then he'd skipped a week, not coming around when he said he would and letting us and Angel down and today he didn't seem keen. I pushed him to walk around the house with me so he could see what we want doing and give me a number for how much it will cost us. (He's a very good and very experienced painter and decorator).
He reluctantly followed me around and ummed and arred then skirted around giving us a price, changing the subject and trying to put us off by saying he isn't available to do it until October at the earliest if at all. He clearly wasn't keen and didn't want to and I sat there feeling so ashamed of my family, of my mum for not even giving enough of a crap about us to even put a status on facebook about her granddaughters birthday, for not even trying to get in touch to give her a card. Do we mean that less to her than she's managed to forget about us enough not to care? I don't want her in our lives, I think but I also don't want to know that we are as good as dead to her. Then my dad, being off with us, ignoring contact, not wanting to help his daughter make their house a home. I feel so alone. I have barely any family, the only person I see from my very small family is P my sister and I love her to bits. But sometimes I get so jealous of T with all his family, so many people that love him. I have him, Angel and P that love me. I'm not trying to sound self-pitying, I'm just trying to explain how it made me feel to know he doesn't want to be in our lives for more than an hour every two weeks at most.
The very last thing that really peed me off about my dad today was the present he got Angel for her birthday. I never ask for much but he usually goes out his way to spend at least £50.00 on her, being his only granddaughter. But for me it isn't the money that counts, it is the gift, even if he made her some painted stones, but he's put love and care into making them I wouldn't care. What he actually gave her, a 2 year old was an adult sized bracelet which is almost too big for me, and an old gift which I think my mum gave to him when we lived all together; a mug in a tin, only he's filled the mug with unwrapped jelly babies. I didn't want a solid gold bar for her, or a present at all, but it is the thought that counts and there was no thought there.
I also found out today, through my sister as my Nanny seems to be ignoring my texts also that my Nannies partner who has cancer is now in a hostel and he's been told he might not come out. We are hoping that although we hear barely anything from her to go and see her on Monday if she's in, see how she is and how she's coping with it all.
Anyway, I apologize, this is a long entry and there is much moaning at the end. To end on a more positive note, Angel had a great birthday and she went to bed happy and content.
And now time for me to get some writing done before I get too tired and have no energy left for anything.
Thursday, 23 August 2012
A visit from family
Last night was a little restless due to several panic attacks for me and Angel deciding that part way through the night she would wake up and sing and dance in her bed. She took a few hours to go back to sleep and in the end T decided to get up at 5 in the morning to do his work so he could spend the day with his visiting family. He was also helping one of our very closest friends over text and I was so grateful for him being there for her when I was knocked out by my meds. She's such a lovely person and right now she's having a rough time, I'm really hoping that things improve for her soon, she doesn't deserve all of this rubbish that comes her way. <3
Today seems to have gone by very quickly. I was worried about T's family coming to visit because it's a rare thing and whenever we have gone to see them in the past we quite often ended up getting poorly. I got up and after having panics and nightmares all night, jumped into the shower so I felt better, then T had a shower and went to his physio and I looked after Angel for an hour on my own, including bathing her and playing with her until he came home. Thankfully I felt better able to cope today, I'm not sure why but I'm grateful for it. The only problem was when my tummy ache came on worse and I ended up sitting doubled up in pain and feeling dizzy from it while Angel played in the bath, I ended up getting her out and dry so that if I did pass out or something she would be safe. I was okay and when T got home from his physio appointment he persuaded me to take some ibuprofen for the pain, especially as I had a headache too.
The painkillers didn't do very much of anything, the tummy ache seemed to ease a little but it never went completely. The headache didn't even flinch at the drugs.
T's family arrived here earlier than we'd expected which is a big feat for them! He and his family have a nasty and very annoying habit of always being late.
I thought I would freak out and need some lorazapam to calm me down, but I happened to be having Angel cuddles when they got here and she clung to me like a monkey until she got used to them, and instead of being afraid of her getting ill or something, I cuddled her and smelt her (she smelled of shampoo and lush bubble bar, nom) Eventually she went to play and I sorted out some drinks and snacks for everyone and then a while later some lunch which had me coming in and out of the room and I spent quite a bit of time chatting to KP our sister-in-law who is so lovely.
I ended up having just some crackers for lunch because I was worried about feeling poorly because of my tummy but I did eat them in the living room with everyone else and I ate them all.( well all 4).
After lunch Angel found the bags of presents from T's family and she delved into opening them, (lucky girl gets two birthdays!) She was thrilled and was bouncing with excitement and it was wonderful to be able to watch her and join in, feeling relaxed and at ease rather than panicking and having to keep sipping my drink like a water starved loon. She got a playmat with cars, a tool box and tools, some puzzles, colouring and a little cat carrier with vet set and kitty inside. She was over the moon and I just can't wait to see her little face on her actual birthday.
After a while I eventually persuaded myself to get off my ass and make Angel's birthday cake. KP came through to talk to me again and I made a lovely smelling vanilla and chocolate marble cake. While it was cooking and I couldn't move away from the oven in case it started to burn, Angel's nanny J played with her which she loved and her cousin A played with T on the Xbox. Her other little cousin E had a sleep in her pram, but it all felt so okay and homey.
After I'd been cooking I started to feel a bit rumbly and my headache came back full force, making me feel lightheaded and like the light was too bright. I forced myself to have some food in private after I'd maneuvered everyone out the front to play football so I could have some quiet time, then I went outside and joined them and the air seemed to help. When we came back inside, the children declared they were all hungry too, so I stayed home with A and nanny J while T went out with the two girls and our sister-in-law to get McDonalds (its easiest with all of us to eat.) I made use of the time to go around and do the housework so that now I can just write my blogs, do some work and relax.
When they got back, I set up the children to eat then ate myself in the same room, in the middle of everyone. I actually did alright, I didn't eat it all but I ate a good portion and I did feel a little edgy but I just sipped my drink and nibbled and was okay once the food settled.
They all left about six and Angel went to bed, very over tired but happy.
Tomorrow we were supposed to be going to the zoo for Angel's birthday treat but the drive is quite a distance and T's knees are very bad at the moment so I suggested going to the butterfly farm which is closer, but with how his knees are today, we just don't know if he will be up to driving very far at all. I have a few more things that I want to get Angel for her birthday so I was thinking that if he can't drive far we can just go up the road to get the few things I want then KR will be coming round some time during the day and Angel loves him to bits. I haven't said anything to T yet but I was thinking that if he isn't up to going out at all, he could stay home and have a daddy Angel morning, (which they very very rarely do) and I could go out to town or something and get her the things and have a morning shopping.... maybe.
Today seems to have gone by very quickly. I was worried about T's family coming to visit because it's a rare thing and whenever we have gone to see them in the past we quite often ended up getting poorly. I got up and after having panics and nightmares all night, jumped into the shower so I felt better, then T had a shower and went to his physio and I looked after Angel for an hour on my own, including bathing her and playing with her until he came home. Thankfully I felt better able to cope today, I'm not sure why but I'm grateful for it. The only problem was when my tummy ache came on worse and I ended up sitting doubled up in pain and feeling dizzy from it while Angel played in the bath, I ended up getting her out and dry so that if I did pass out or something she would be safe. I was okay and when T got home from his physio appointment he persuaded me to take some ibuprofen for the pain, especially as I had a headache too.
The painkillers didn't do very much of anything, the tummy ache seemed to ease a little but it never went completely. The headache didn't even flinch at the drugs.
T's family arrived here earlier than we'd expected which is a big feat for them! He and his family have a nasty and very annoying habit of always being late.
I thought I would freak out and need some lorazapam to calm me down, but I happened to be having Angel cuddles when they got here and she clung to me like a monkey until she got used to them, and instead of being afraid of her getting ill or something, I cuddled her and smelt her (she smelled of shampoo and lush bubble bar, nom) Eventually she went to play and I sorted out some drinks and snacks for everyone and then a while later some lunch which had me coming in and out of the room and I spent quite a bit of time chatting to KP our sister-in-law who is so lovely.
I ended up having just some crackers for lunch because I was worried about feeling poorly because of my tummy but I did eat them in the living room with everyone else and I ate them all.( well all 4).
After lunch Angel found the bags of presents from T's family and she delved into opening them, (lucky girl gets two birthdays!) She was thrilled and was bouncing with excitement and it was wonderful to be able to watch her and join in, feeling relaxed and at ease rather than panicking and having to keep sipping my drink like a water starved loon. She got a playmat with cars, a tool box and tools, some puzzles, colouring and a little cat carrier with vet set and kitty inside. She was over the moon and I just can't wait to see her little face on her actual birthday.
After a while I eventually persuaded myself to get off my ass and make Angel's birthday cake. KP came through to talk to me again and I made a lovely smelling vanilla and chocolate marble cake. While it was cooking and I couldn't move away from the oven in case it started to burn, Angel's nanny J played with her which she loved and her cousin A played with T on the Xbox. Her other little cousin E had a sleep in her pram, but it all felt so okay and homey.
After I'd been cooking I started to feel a bit rumbly and my headache came back full force, making me feel lightheaded and like the light was too bright. I forced myself to have some food in private after I'd maneuvered everyone out the front to play football so I could have some quiet time, then I went outside and joined them and the air seemed to help. When we came back inside, the children declared they were all hungry too, so I stayed home with A and nanny J while T went out with the two girls and our sister-in-law to get McDonalds (its easiest with all of us to eat.) I made use of the time to go around and do the housework so that now I can just write my blogs, do some work and relax.
When they got back, I set up the children to eat then ate myself in the same room, in the middle of everyone. I actually did alright, I didn't eat it all but I ate a good portion and I did feel a little edgy but I just sipped my drink and nibbled and was okay once the food settled.
They all left about six and Angel went to bed, very over tired but happy.
Tomorrow we were supposed to be going to the zoo for Angel's birthday treat but the drive is quite a distance and T's knees are very bad at the moment so I suggested going to the butterfly farm which is closer, but with how his knees are today, we just don't know if he will be up to driving very far at all. I have a few more things that I want to get Angel for her birthday so I was thinking that if he can't drive far we can just go up the road to get the few things I want then KR will be coming round some time during the day and Angel loves him to bits. I haven't said anything to T yet but I was thinking that if he isn't up to going out at all, he could stay home and have a daddy Angel morning, (which they very very rarely do) and I could go out to town or something and get her the things and have a morning shopping.... maybe.
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Edgy
Today has been another slow day. Taking it a little at a time seems like the best way to get through at the moment.
I started the day exhausted because I ended up being up late thanks to forgetting to take my meds and then some loud hopeless drunks arguing and a woman literally having tantrums and throwing herself in front of the police car and on the floor.
Angel was up a little later today, well later for her, being 7am rather than half 5 or 6 and T let me sleep until half 8 I think it was so I got a little extra. Angel has been in a very trying mood all day today though. She has been clingy and acting like she was acting before she got ill a few weeks ago, so I was edgy all day, watching her and waiting and silently praying to anyone that might be listening that she's not poorly again.
Our moods seemed to be bouncing off each other and when T suggested that could be the case now, I decided to try and change it around, which had the effect of Angel cheering up and me cheering up. I tried to keep her occupied with a variety of things but she has had the attention span of a flea and went from one thing to another moaning and whining as she went. In the end I decided to do some baking while she played with a bowl of water in the kitchen again while T cooked dinner and I made a mess with my mixing. She didn't stay happy and occupied very long before she was claiming starvation and literally trying to eat her T-shirt and the towel which was drying on the radiator :s I'm very confused by that but she thought it was a good idea.
Mine and T's sister-in-law rang this morning and asked if it would be okay if her, two of her children and T's mum could come visiting from where they live about 3 or more hours away. I was very reluctant with how I'm feeling but they put me on the spot and I couldn't have said no. So now I have a day of people tomorrow and my tummy is already feeling wibbly at the idea.
So at the end of another stressful day, I'm still feeling fragile and cut up again the person who hurt me and I'm still incredibly fragile about Angel and for some reason I have major fear that's flared up about my teeth. It's never ending and so tonight I'm looking forward to some writing time and shutting off from the real world.
I started the day exhausted because I ended up being up late thanks to forgetting to take my meds and then some loud hopeless drunks arguing and a woman literally having tantrums and throwing herself in front of the police car and on the floor.
Angel was up a little later today, well later for her, being 7am rather than half 5 or 6 and T let me sleep until half 8 I think it was so I got a little extra. Angel has been in a very trying mood all day today though. She has been clingy and acting like she was acting before she got ill a few weeks ago, so I was edgy all day, watching her and waiting and silently praying to anyone that might be listening that she's not poorly again.
Our moods seemed to be bouncing off each other and when T suggested that could be the case now, I decided to try and change it around, which had the effect of Angel cheering up and me cheering up. I tried to keep her occupied with a variety of things but she has had the attention span of a flea and went from one thing to another moaning and whining as she went. In the end I decided to do some baking while she played with a bowl of water in the kitchen again while T cooked dinner and I made a mess with my mixing. She didn't stay happy and occupied very long before she was claiming starvation and literally trying to eat her T-shirt and the towel which was drying on the radiator :s I'm very confused by that but she thought it was a good idea.
Mine and T's sister-in-law rang this morning and asked if it would be okay if her, two of her children and T's mum could come visiting from where they live about 3 or more hours away. I was very reluctant with how I'm feeling but they put me on the spot and I couldn't have said no. So now I have a day of people tomorrow and my tummy is already feeling wibbly at the idea.
So at the end of another stressful day, I'm still feeling fragile and cut up again the person who hurt me and I'm still incredibly fragile about Angel and for some reason I have major fear that's flared up about my teeth. It's never ending and so tonight I'm looking forward to some writing time and shutting off from the real world.
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Role play day
I've been sitting here for over an hour trying to work out what to write when only a few hours ago I wanted to write loads.
Today has been difficult, T was out at work all morning and I was feeling quite anxious. Angel and I had a quiet morning, just sorting some things out and her playing role play games like shopping, picnics, looking after her baby, living in her house etc and she seemed to be content to play on her own and just have the occasional interaction from me. It meant that I could enjoy watching her play, get some photos and work on the final part of the dress for her knitted bear.
We both got bored around the same time and I decided to take her out for a very short walk, to push my boundaries and get us both some air. There was nothing to post for once so we just walked hand in hand up the road and round the corner in one direction then came back because I hadn't expected to get far so hadn't locked the door and there were suspicious people hanging around. Then I locked the door and really pushed my comfort zone, taking Angel for a walk up the road the other way and further than I felt comfortable going. I have to admit that part of the reason I was uncomfortable out and about was because I was worried about bumping into someone in the area while I was on my own.
Back at home, I put some lunch in the oven and tried my very best to distract Angel while the food cooked as she was claiming starvation and decided she couldn't wait without trying to eat all her play food.
When T came home from work and after lunch Angel continued to go about the living room playing her games and entertaining me and T. It was so cute and thinking back now I wish I'd got some video of it.
She had an hour nap in the afternoon and I plunged into my writing again while she slept, then she woke up and I got triggered majorly by the way she was behaving, it was identical to the way she'd been behaving when she'd gotten poorly a few weeks before and I was convinced that she was unwell again. T reassured me that she was okay, just tired and sent me around the house, doing little jobs to keep me occupied and after she's eaten she perked up and began playing and giggling again and although I was still feeling faint and icky from my panic I was relived and relaxed a little, although I can't relax completely now and I feel a little like today I have taken a step back again. T thinks its because of things that were said knocking my confidence which is fragile anyway and I guess with no other answers, he's probably right.
I got some Avon delivered to me tonight and I was over the moon that the night dresses I ordered, in my size for once, came and it means that I have something new to wear to bed that has no connections or associations with anything bad, the only risk is that my OCD deems them to be bad luck for some reason and I won't be able to wear them.
Today has been difficult, T was out at work all morning and I was feeling quite anxious. Angel and I had a quiet morning, just sorting some things out and her playing role play games like shopping, picnics, looking after her baby, living in her house etc and she seemed to be content to play on her own and just have the occasional interaction from me. It meant that I could enjoy watching her play, get some photos and work on the final part of the dress for her knitted bear.
We both got bored around the same time and I decided to take her out for a very short walk, to push my boundaries and get us both some air. There was nothing to post for once so we just walked hand in hand up the road and round the corner in one direction then came back because I hadn't expected to get far so hadn't locked the door and there were suspicious people hanging around. Then I locked the door and really pushed my comfort zone, taking Angel for a walk up the road the other way and further than I felt comfortable going. I have to admit that part of the reason I was uncomfortable out and about was because I was worried about bumping into someone in the area while I was on my own.
Back at home, I put some lunch in the oven and tried my very best to distract Angel while the food cooked as she was claiming starvation and decided she couldn't wait without trying to eat all her play food.
When T came home from work and after lunch Angel continued to go about the living room playing her games and entertaining me and T. It was so cute and thinking back now I wish I'd got some video of it.
She had an hour nap in the afternoon and I plunged into my writing again while she slept, then she woke up and I got triggered majorly by the way she was behaving, it was identical to the way she'd been behaving when she'd gotten poorly a few weeks before and I was convinced that she was unwell again. T reassured me that she was okay, just tired and sent me around the house, doing little jobs to keep me occupied and after she's eaten she perked up and began playing and giggling again and although I was still feeling faint and icky from my panic I was relived and relaxed a little, although I can't relax completely now and I feel a little like today I have taken a step back again. T thinks its because of things that were said knocking my confidence which is fragile anyway and I guess with no other answers, he's probably right.
I got some Avon delivered to me tonight and I was over the moon that the night dresses I ordered, in my size for once, came and it means that I have something new to wear to bed that has no connections or associations with anything bad, the only risk is that my OCD deems them to be bad luck for some reason and I won't be able to wear them.
Monday, 20 August 2012
A loss
I started writing this blog for my own self-help and getting my inner most thoughts and feelings out in a safe way, so I regardless of who might read this or not I am going to write from my heart.
It all started a few nights ago when I was texting a friend who said she was getting tummy cramps and was feeling queezy and having tummy trouble, she said she thought it was stress about something big she was going to do and I accepted that. Then later on she told me that it wasn't panic and that she was getting nausea in waves and generally feeling poorly. Of course I was sympathetic, no one wants to feel ill, but I was also concerned as my daughter had been there that morning. I suggested it might be IBS, worrying about going the day after but she told me that she doesn't get that and that her mate had took her so round who had been feeling sick and she thought she'd picked up a tummy bug or something she'd eaten. Alarm bells went off more, if she had a tummy bug, then Angel could have it and we only just got over one. Then she said it had started the morning before, which meant that she'd been feeling unwell while Angel was there, before that even and she hadn't said anything. She ended the message by saying that a warm bath had eased it and she just hoped that she hadn't spoke too soon. So I went to sleep a total wreck, only just mentally beginning to get over the last tummy bug and believing that we could have caught another. I never blamed her but alarm bells were going off in my head and I went to sleep to have dreams about vomit all night long.
The following day when I text to see how she was she told me that she'd called NHS direct she was that bad, and that the DR had said it could be stress or a poorly tummy...again more panic. Then all of a sudden she called T to take her to meet her family where they had gone, I was like what so she's not ill any more? It seemed as though suddenly her illness had disappeared after I'd been up all night panicking over it. I felt sorry for her having lots of panic when she got where she was going and I wanted to be supportive and tried to but I was just so confused. I reassured her that she wasn't a failure and tried to be there as a friend.
Admittedly I didn't text much that night but I was feeling confused and I was trying to focus on my family and not let too much of my mental shit ruin our weekend.
The next day we had a busy day and went swimming which was very hard for me, then shopping in town and then I fell asleep. In the end after I hadn't heard from her, yet her partner had checked with my hubby if I was okay with her I decided to text and see how she was. She kept asking about why I seemed so unresponsive and I decided that because she'd always said in the past that I could tell her anything, that we would be friends always and if there was a problem I should tell her, I told her that I was feeling a bit whiplashed from all the chopping and changing and worry the day before. I never meant that she was doing it intentially to hurt me or upset me, but I wanted her to know how I felt so she knew why I was feeling off. She told me how she didn't want to lose me as a friend, obviously she wasn't as concerned as she made out. She turned my concern around to say that I was calling her inconsiderate. I tried to explain how being emetophobic it affected me but I wasn't blaming her but she was already off on one and all her earlier promises and words went out the window and I went to bed in tears knowing that yet another 'friend' had hurt me, I swore I would never let another person in and I did, and I let her in more than anyone else except Lucy or T are aloud in and it was all for nothing. I keep re-reading the texts over and over again, looking to find where she could have gotten that I was calling her inconsiderate from but I just can't. I tried to be careful and delicate but tell the truth. There are so many people in this world that say they want the truth, that they can take but apparently can't. She ended the texting last night by saying that she was going to send her partner round to pick up the DVD's that I was borrowing. I got back up out of bed and put all the things she's given me into a box for her, I didn't want it all to be thrown away but I was hurting and I couldn't see how we'd get back from there so I wanted it all gone.
I got up this morning and tried to be happy and normal for Angel and we were just about to go out to the postbox when her partner turned up and I passed him the box without speaking to him, I didn't know what to say and I was gearing up for going out despite all the shit going on. I got a text while I was walking with Angel claiming that I'd drawn him into it by giving him a dirty look, which I hadn't. I was also called a child. I felt like they were bullying me and T was at work our of the house for the first time since we all got ill. I said that I was feeling bullied and that they must both have an habit of seeing things that aren't there. I was then accused of bullying them. I was bullied all through school and I have never bullied another person in my life and I never would. How can she claim to have ever known me and call me that? I took some time out, not wanting to reply and she sent another text in my absence, she called me a little girl and I quote 'realize life is harder than a bit of puke'. I broke down in tears at this point, all that time she had been saying she got me, when to say that comment she couldn't have understood at all, she has no clue as to what a real phobia is and just to use that word with me when she knew she was going to be triggering me. I said as much to her and when T got home from work he was messaging someone and after asking he told me that she'd been messaging him for the last hour. And she was going on about me dragging her man into it, there was no need at all to contact T except to make him upset, stressed and try to grab attention as I'd stopped texting and taking the bait. I also suggested the name calling should stop. I told her that I was not going to argue about it anymore and told her that she knows where I live if she wishes to talk like an adult. She kept going on and on, even after she' said bye. I stopped texting and she went on and on and on, texting over and over until I thought I was going to have to turn my phone off. Eventually she text me the message 'forget the whole thing, I'm gone'. I didn't reply, I had no interest in giving her more attention. She said a similar thing to T and then a while later messaged him yet again, this time to tell him that she almost jumped in the canal (which is knee high) and her partner had stopped her and that she was okay and she was looking forward to work with him on the area things. By this time we were both completely fed up of the shit and both got on with our evening, feeling upset and hurt but doing our best for Angel.
I am more upset that I ever opened up to her and I have certainly learned my lesson not to trust. Apart from T there is only one other person in this world that understands me and I can talk to and they know who they are. I'm sad that this 'friendship' has ended but I knew it would never last, it was too good to be true and I'm bored of defending myself now.
If you're reading this, despite what I've said, I will miss you.
It all started a few nights ago when I was texting a friend who said she was getting tummy cramps and was feeling queezy and having tummy trouble, she said she thought it was stress about something big she was going to do and I accepted that. Then later on she told me that it wasn't panic and that she was getting nausea in waves and generally feeling poorly. Of course I was sympathetic, no one wants to feel ill, but I was also concerned as my daughter had been there that morning. I suggested it might be IBS, worrying about going the day after but she told me that she doesn't get that and that her mate had took her so round who had been feeling sick and she thought she'd picked up a tummy bug or something she'd eaten. Alarm bells went off more, if she had a tummy bug, then Angel could have it and we only just got over one. Then she said it had started the morning before, which meant that she'd been feeling unwell while Angel was there, before that even and she hadn't said anything. She ended the message by saying that a warm bath had eased it and she just hoped that she hadn't spoke too soon. So I went to sleep a total wreck, only just mentally beginning to get over the last tummy bug and believing that we could have caught another. I never blamed her but alarm bells were going off in my head and I went to sleep to have dreams about vomit all night long.
The following day when I text to see how she was she told me that she'd called NHS direct she was that bad, and that the DR had said it could be stress or a poorly tummy...again more panic. Then all of a sudden she called T to take her to meet her family where they had gone, I was like what so she's not ill any more? It seemed as though suddenly her illness had disappeared after I'd been up all night panicking over it. I felt sorry for her having lots of panic when she got where she was going and I wanted to be supportive and tried to but I was just so confused. I reassured her that she wasn't a failure and tried to be there as a friend.
Admittedly I didn't text much that night but I was feeling confused and I was trying to focus on my family and not let too much of my mental shit ruin our weekend.
The next day we had a busy day and went swimming which was very hard for me, then shopping in town and then I fell asleep. In the end after I hadn't heard from her, yet her partner had checked with my hubby if I was okay with her I decided to text and see how she was. She kept asking about why I seemed so unresponsive and I decided that because she'd always said in the past that I could tell her anything, that we would be friends always and if there was a problem I should tell her, I told her that I was feeling a bit whiplashed from all the chopping and changing and worry the day before. I never meant that she was doing it intentially to hurt me or upset me, but I wanted her to know how I felt so she knew why I was feeling off. She told me how she didn't want to lose me as a friend, obviously she wasn't as concerned as she made out. She turned my concern around to say that I was calling her inconsiderate. I tried to explain how being emetophobic it affected me but I wasn't blaming her but she was already off on one and all her earlier promises and words went out the window and I went to bed in tears knowing that yet another 'friend' had hurt me, I swore I would never let another person in and I did, and I let her in more than anyone else except Lucy or T are aloud in and it was all for nothing. I keep re-reading the texts over and over again, looking to find where she could have gotten that I was calling her inconsiderate from but I just can't. I tried to be careful and delicate but tell the truth. There are so many people in this world that say they want the truth, that they can take but apparently can't. She ended the texting last night by saying that she was going to send her partner round to pick up the DVD's that I was borrowing. I got back up out of bed and put all the things she's given me into a box for her, I didn't want it all to be thrown away but I was hurting and I couldn't see how we'd get back from there so I wanted it all gone.
I got up this morning and tried to be happy and normal for Angel and we were just about to go out to the postbox when her partner turned up and I passed him the box without speaking to him, I didn't know what to say and I was gearing up for going out despite all the shit going on. I got a text while I was walking with Angel claiming that I'd drawn him into it by giving him a dirty look, which I hadn't. I was also called a child. I felt like they were bullying me and T was at work our of the house for the first time since we all got ill. I said that I was feeling bullied and that they must both have an habit of seeing things that aren't there. I was then accused of bullying them. I was bullied all through school and I have never bullied another person in my life and I never would. How can she claim to have ever known me and call me that? I took some time out, not wanting to reply and she sent another text in my absence, she called me a little girl and I quote 'realize life is harder than a bit of puke'. I broke down in tears at this point, all that time she had been saying she got me, when to say that comment she couldn't have understood at all, she has no clue as to what a real phobia is and just to use that word with me when she knew she was going to be triggering me. I said as much to her and when T got home from work he was messaging someone and after asking he told me that she'd been messaging him for the last hour. And she was going on about me dragging her man into it, there was no need at all to contact T except to make him upset, stressed and try to grab attention as I'd stopped texting and taking the bait. I also suggested the name calling should stop. I told her that I was not going to argue about it anymore and told her that she knows where I live if she wishes to talk like an adult. She kept going on and on, even after she' said bye. I stopped texting and she went on and on and on, texting over and over until I thought I was going to have to turn my phone off. Eventually she text me the message 'forget the whole thing, I'm gone'. I didn't reply, I had no interest in giving her more attention. She said a similar thing to T and then a while later messaged him yet again, this time to tell him that she almost jumped in the canal (which is knee high) and her partner had stopped her and that she was okay and she was looking forward to work with him on the area things. By this time we were both completely fed up of the shit and both got on with our evening, feeling upset and hurt but doing our best for Angel.
I am more upset that I ever opened up to her and I have certainly learned my lesson not to trust. Apart from T there is only one other person in this world that understands me and I can talk to and they know who they are. I'm sad that this 'friendship' has ended but I knew it would never last, it was too good to be true and I'm bored of defending myself now.
If you're reading this, despite what I've said, I will miss you.
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Strong Person Award
Award Rules
So, this is a little something different than usual, lets start with the rules.
1. Make sure to add in the above text and image (below) to spread the love and add how little or how much you want!
2. Name your diagnoses – Stand loud and proud! You can tell us a little about them also if you’d like. How you’re affected by these diagnoses and how you are fighting your way out of them.
3. Add a photo of yourself, or some abstract picture that represents you, anything you like!
2. Name your diagnoses – Stand loud and proud! You can tell us a little about them also if you’d like. How you’re affected by these diagnoses and how you are fighting your way out of them.
3. Add a photo of yourself, or some abstract picture that represents you, anything you like!
***************************************************************************************
Thank you so much Lucy for nominating me for this award, It means a lot to me and I believe you are an amazing strong person.
Soo, my diagnosis;
Emetophobia - I copied some of this description from Lucy herself, I couldn't have put it better.
This is a phobia of being sick. I know many people will say, “Nobody likes being sick”. This is true, nobody likes to be sick but equally people that aren’t emetophobic will only take reasonable precautions to avoid it like not eating raw chicken or out of date foods.
This is a phobia of being sick. I know many people will say, “Nobody likes being sick”. This is true, nobody likes to be sick but equally people that aren’t emetophobic will only take reasonable precautions to avoid it like not eating raw chicken or out of date foods.
For me and other emetophobics, it is much more severe. Often I will not leave the house and I eat only foods I consider to be “safe”, Including no bright colours or strong tastes. I can quite easily say that I would rather die than be sick, that is how severe it can be. The emetophobia causes more problems than any of my other diagnosis’ because it stops me from doing “normal” things and it feeds into all the other problems I have, stoking and fueling them and keeping my going round and round in a vicious circle. Everywhere I go I fear touching something that someone who has a bug has touched, fear eating something that isn't right, fear catching things from everywhere and when I do get ill I close off completely and I feel disgusting, like there are parasites moving around inside me and I can't get away from myself. Emetophobia is inescapable, unlike heights, insects, certain colours or food etc, Sickness is all around us everyday, it dominates our lives and it is ALWAYS a risk.
OCD ~ I was diagnosed with this first along with depression and panic disorder, when I was forced to drop out of school due to not being able to cope being there. I hid the emetophobia for another ten years after that, feeling disgusting just for having it. The OCD used to rule my life a lot more than it does now, when I was about 11 I began to grow out of it a little and now unless i let it get out of control, it isnt too bad. Also I've found letting it lose on things that I can't get obsessed about like sorting coloured beads can help it.
PTSD ~ I have PTSD from every time I have ever vomited or seen someone vomit. From the very first time I was sick in school and it was all over the lunch tables and even the dinner ladies called me disgusting and moaned about having to clean it up, to when I was older and was sick all over the kichen floor and my mum was pregnant and slipped in it and then lost the baby. To now, only a few weeks ago when we had something that went through the family. Something i am still struggling to come back from and cope with.
The other element of my PTSD came about from the pregnancy and birth of my little girl. 2 years ago this Saturday coming. I'm not as bad as I was but at one time the flashbacks kept me up at night screaming and just being in the bathroom where i gave birth to her was hard. I couldn't even look at a pregnant person, but thanks to a self help book I am now keeping it all under control and would say I am almost free of it, it only catches me out sometimes.
Agrophobia and Panic disorder ~ These two come hand in hand and they are very closely linked to my Emetophobia, Its hard to say which came first.
Bi-Polar ~ This is a recent diagnosis from my doctor, half a year ago. I knew I either had that or cryclothymia, but all the same it was a shock when it was confirmed and I was put on meds for it.
This picture to me, reminds me of one of my hypnotherapy sessions I do frequently and it is one of my favorite places; the beach. To me this represents a type of freedom, not from my problems but a place where I can be alone with them so their hold over my is lessened and I can have even a tiny taste of freedom.
Currently I'm on a few medications to help with my OCD, depression, anxiety and bi-polar, but aside from that I'm having no help from any outside source.
I work hard at bridging, pushing, trying to be brave, visulisation, self hypnotherapy, and positive thinking.
Thank you for the nomination again, and thank you for reading all about my madness! :D
Another tick for the 'to do' list.
This morning I woke up to a big challenge that we'd been talking about doing for a long while but never seemed to get around to it for one reason or another. I really didn't think I was going to be able to do it, but I got the bags all ready and concentrated on Angel then it was time to go out the door. I decided that I would at least go and watch, but took my stuff anyway.
We arrived and I was so unsure about even getting out of the car, but Angel wanted to hold my hand so I indulged her and went with them into the large building and let T pay for us all. There were two flights of stairs to get to the vending machines then through some double doors and into the changing rooms. As soon as Angel saw the pool she was jumping up and down and grinning about going swimming. I loved seeing that happiness on her face and I pushed my fears down and started getting her changed so she could go in the water. T and Angel we in first while I took myself into a cubicle and got changed myself. I was feeling lightheaded from the warmth of the room and very very panicky about going in the pool. As I got changed I thought about some safety things I could put into place. I decided to leave my towel on the bench by the side of the pool with my drink there and an 'emergency bag' hid inside, in case I was feeling panicky and needed a drink or if I was too far gone to get to the toilets and could grab the towel and its bits and hide in a changing room. I also kept the key for the locker and arranged it so it would be easy to get my emergency things.
With all of that in place I went out of the changing area to find Angel and T who were playing in a shallow part of the pool, already smiling and having fun. I got in and was surprised to find the water was quite cool, or I was very hot before I got in. I tried to enjoy myself but felt very very on edge and panicky and ended up getting back out to grab a drink of juice. I sipped it and watched all the people playing in the water, all the families and young children and I just wanted to be with family. I closed my drink, made sure my towel was safe and went back into the pool. They'd gone a little further into the pool, round the corner and it was stressful trying to cope but I did, by the time I'd been there playing with Angel a little while I relaxed a little and began to enjoy myself. I swam and played and even went down the rapids several times, in the deep part of the pool, went off on my own with Angel and even when she swallowed some water and had a coughing fit, although I panicked thinking that she would be sick, I didn't run away and I let it drop as soon as she was okay so the experience wasn't ruined.
We played in the pool for about an hour before Angel started getting cold and I was getting nasty rumbles in my tummy. We got out and got dry and dressed then we all had a snack on the way back to the car. We decided that seeing as we were already at the edge of town parked up, we may as well take a walk in and have a quick look in a few shops as well as get lunch.
Town was almost empty and it was very nice to walk round, although admittedly I was nervous again. We took a scenic walk in and then T wanted to go and get some coffee from starbucks and I decided to go into another shop on my own despite the anxiety to have a look for some new earrings. I couldn't find any that I liked enough to pay nearly 10.00 for but I did spot some pretty tiaras and magic wands on one side of the shop and they were beautiful. I decided to get a wand and tiara for Angel for her birthday, then the lady working there told me they were all on 3 for 2 including all the Peppa Pig stuff so I had a look and found a beautiful Peppa Pig jewelry set with a necklace, ring and bracelet in and I just know she will love them.
I spotted a beautiful bag on the wall next to the jewelery and I went to investigate. It is pink and black with skulls and I fell in love with it immediately. I checked it over to make sure it had pockets for all my safety bits and bobs then dithered about buying it. I came to the conclusion that I very rarely buy myself anything and I've been through a lot just lately, so maybe I deserve a little present? T was over the moon that I had brought something for myself and I was surprised.
The afternoon kind of dwindled away with me falling asleep on my knitting like an old lady (although it was because of the 1mg loraz side affects).
Now I have my beautiful new bag ready for going out, Angels bag ready and I have finished knitting and piecing together the teddybear and now I'm onto the clothes, shoes are complete and top part of dress, now for the skirt and bag, and to be finished by Friday night. Oh yes and I need to make her cake!!! Busy week ahead I think.
We arrived and I was so unsure about even getting out of the car, but Angel wanted to hold my hand so I indulged her and went with them into the large building and let T pay for us all. There were two flights of stairs to get to the vending machines then through some double doors and into the changing rooms. As soon as Angel saw the pool she was jumping up and down and grinning about going swimming. I loved seeing that happiness on her face and I pushed my fears down and started getting her changed so she could go in the water. T and Angel we in first while I took myself into a cubicle and got changed myself. I was feeling lightheaded from the warmth of the room and very very panicky about going in the pool. As I got changed I thought about some safety things I could put into place. I decided to leave my towel on the bench by the side of the pool with my drink there and an 'emergency bag' hid inside, in case I was feeling panicky and needed a drink or if I was too far gone to get to the toilets and could grab the towel and its bits and hide in a changing room. I also kept the key for the locker and arranged it so it would be easy to get my emergency things.
With all of that in place I went out of the changing area to find Angel and T who were playing in a shallow part of the pool, already smiling and having fun. I got in and was surprised to find the water was quite cool, or I was very hot before I got in. I tried to enjoy myself but felt very very on edge and panicky and ended up getting back out to grab a drink of juice. I sipped it and watched all the people playing in the water, all the families and young children and I just wanted to be with family. I closed my drink, made sure my towel was safe and went back into the pool. They'd gone a little further into the pool, round the corner and it was stressful trying to cope but I did, by the time I'd been there playing with Angel a little while I relaxed a little and began to enjoy myself. I swam and played and even went down the rapids several times, in the deep part of the pool, went off on my own with Angel and even when she swallowed some water and had a coughing fit, although I panicked thinking that she would be sick, I didn't run away and I let it drop as soon as she was okay so the experience wasn't ruined.
We played in the pool for about an hour before Angel started getting cold and I was getting nasty rumbles in my tummy. We got out and got dry and dressed then we all had a snack on the way back to the car. We decided that seeing as we were already at the edge of town parked up, we may as well take a walk in and have a quick look in a few shops as well as get lunch.
Town was almost empty and it was very nice to walk round, although admittedly I was nervous again. We took a scenic walk in and then T wanted to go and get some coffee from starbucks and I decided to go into another shop on my own despite the anxiety to have a look for some new earrings. I couldn't find any that I liked enough to pay nearly 10.00 for but I did spot some pretty tiaras and magic wands on one side of the shop and they were beautiful. I decided to get a wand and tiara for Angel for her birthday, then the lady working there told me they were all on 3 for 2 including all the Peppa Pig stuff so I had a look and found a beautiful Peppa Pig jewelry set with a necklace, ring and bracelet in and I just know she will love them.
I spotted a beautiful bag on the wall next to the jewelery and I went to investigate. It is pink and black with skulls and I fell in love with it immediately. I checked it over to make sure it had pockets for all my safety bits and bobs then dithered about buying it. I came to the conclusion that I very rarely buy myself anything and I've been through a lot just lately, so maybe I deserve a little present? T was over the moon that I had brought something for myself and I was surprised.
The afternoon kind of dwindled away with me falling asleep on my knitting like an old lady (although it was because of the 1mg loraz side affects).
Now I have my beautiful new bag ready for going out, Angels bag ready and I have finished knitting and piecing together the teddybear and now I'm onto the clothes, shoes are complete and top part of dress, now for the skirt and bag, and to be finished by Friday night. Oh yes and I need to make her cake!!! Busy week ahead I think.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
A poem for mummy
Each bite of the blade
Is dedicated to you,
And all the things
You put me through.
And every drop of blood
I bleed,
Stems from inside,
Where you planted
These consuming cancerous seeds.
The beating's stopped
In my blackened heart,
The day I saw you for who you are
And my life had a chance to finally start.
I said goodbye to you
As if you were dead,
But still you cling
And linger
Inside my battered head.
Each slice of the blade
Is by your hand
From all the pain and guilt you still demand.
I'm disgusted to say that I'm still yours
Even though we're apart,
But one day I'll be free
And won't miss you
As much as you'll miss me.
A great Saturday morning
This morning we were thinking of doing something that would be quite challenging to me, but we decided in the end that we would do something less difficult so I wouldn't have to take any lorazapam seeing as I took over a whole one yesterday.
We got ready and we decided to go to a local retail park.. again but this time to get some decorations for Angel's birthday this time next week and price up decorating things.
I didn't take any loraz although I did feel like I needed it, I almost talked myself out of going out, especially after the horrid emeto nightmares I had all night long. In the end I decided that I would at least get in the car and from there I went up to the retail park then got out of the car and it was so quiet and I got so absorbed in having a great time with my family that I didn't panic. I just relished every moment and made the most of every single one. We spotted a variety of things we needed and things we liked and I went off on my own with Angel, fed her some snack, looked after her and felt fine about it. Something I never thought I would feel again.
We went in quite a few shops, some of which I went into on my own with Angel. We all had a good time then run out of places to go, so after Angel had been telling me she wanted to go see 'wack wacks', I suggested to T that we go to the park. He agreed but his knees were hurting far to much to drop the car home and walk like I'd suggested so we parked right by the park so he could make the most of walking around it with us. Angel was enamored with the ducks and geese and the baby coots but she was also very keen on the idea of playing in the as she calls it thanks to Peppa Pig, 'the playground'. When we told her she could she squealed and ran through the gate and jumped onto the seesaw telling me to get on the other end. I gave my bag to T and threw myself full force into playing on every part of the play area, even the parts I didn't fit on really, I made myself fit and Angel was thrilled to bits that I was joining in. I went on the climbing frame, the see saws, the slides, obstacle course, rocking animals (which I didn't fit on but made myself fit) and the swings. Usually I hate the swings, despite having one as a child and loving it to bits and never being off it. I am terrified of the feeling of the motion, the abandonment it takes to go so high you almost go over. But today, I went on and I went for it, giggling at every moment until I actually thought I was going to go over the top the I slowed down and ran off to play something else. There was a point following Angel at her request down a tunnel that I didn't think I was going to make it half way down, I thought I was going to get stuck, thankfully the surface was wet from the rain and I managed to keep going, but I was giggling my head off at almost getting stuck and not panicking about it.
When it was time to go, I bribed Angel off the play things with a lolly pop and I decided that I would walk home with her while T took the car home and got started on lunch. I think he was surprised that I wanted to go it alone but I wanted to let Angel see the diggers that we would be passing on the way back, I wanted some mummy Angel time when I wasn't scared and although my anxiety levels shot through the roof, I did it.
In the afternoon the day went downhill a bit, I became very irritable and sensitive and strangely over tired. I guess it was the nightmares catching up with me. I just didn't feel like doing anything but felt like I needed to keep doing things. The afternoon dragged but finally Angel is asleep in bed, I'm wrapped up in my brand new fluffy purple blanket and I'm about to start my writing.
We got ready and we decided to go to a local retail park.. again but this time to get some decorations for Angel's birthday this time next week and price up decorating things.
I didn't take any loraz although I did feel like I needed it, I almost talked myself out of going out, especially after the horrid emeto nightmares I had all night long. In the end I decided that I would at least get in the car and from there I went up to the retail park then got out of the car and it was so quiet and I got so absorbed in having a great time with my family that I didn't panic. I just relished every moment and made the most of every single one. We spotted a variety of things we needed and things we liked and I went off on my own with Angel, fed her some snack, looked after her and felt fine about it. Something I never thought I would feel again.
We went in quite a few shops, some of which I went into on my own with Angel. We all had a good time then run out of places to go, so after Angel had been telling me she wanted to go see 'wack wacks', I suggested to T that we go to the park. He agreed but his knees were hurting far to much to drop the car home and walk like I'd suggested so we parked right by the park so he could make the most of walking around it with us. Angel was enamored with the ducks and geese and the baby coots but she was also very keen on the idea of playing in the as she calls it thanks to Peppa Pig, 'the playground'. When we told her she could she squealed and ran through the gate and jumped onto the seesaw telling me to get on the other end. I gave my bag to T and threw myself full force into playing on every part of the play area, even the parts I didn't fit on really, I made myself fit and Angel was thrilled to bits that I was joining in. I went on the climbing frame, the see saws, the slides, obstacle course, rocking animals (which I didn't fit on but made myself fit) and the swings. Usually I hate the swings, despite having one as a child and loving it to bits and never being off it. I am terrified of the feeling of the motion, the abandonment it takes to go so high you almost go over. But today, I went on and I went for it, giggling at every moment until I actually thought I was going to go over the top the I slowed down and ran off to play something else. There was a point following Angel at her request down a tunnel that I didn't think I was going to make it half way down, I thought I was going to get stuck, thankfully the surface was wet from the rain and I managed to keep going, but I was giggling my head off at almost getting stuck and not panicking about it.
When it was time to go, I bribed Angel off the play things with a lolly pop and I decided that I would walk home with her while T took the car home and got started on lunch. I think he was surprised that I wanted to go it alone but I wanted to let Angel see the diggers that we would be passing on the way back, I wanted some mummy Angel time when I wasn't scared and although my anxiety levels shot through the roof, I did it.
In the afternoon the day went downhill a bit, I became very irritable and sensitive and strangely over tired. I guess it was the nightmares catching up with me. I just didn't feel like doing anything but felt like I needed to keep doing things. The afternoon dragged but finally Angel is asleep in bed, I'm wrapped up in my brand new fluffy purple blanket and I'm about to start my writing.
Friday, 17 August 2012
I'm alive, I fought another war and won
I'm still alive, after my appointment at the dentist.
At about 9 in the morning we dropped Angel off at K's house and drove to the dentist, I was definitely under the influence of the lorazapam by then and driving around the blog to wait for a space didn't bother me.
We managed to get a very good parking space nearest to the building which made me feel a little more comfy, well as comfy as you can feel when you're facing a phobia. We sat on the landing upstairs and talked and I made myself sit in the floor so I would't bolt down the stairs and out the door. I wasn't too long before we were called in but long enough for me to have settled down a little. We went into the room and my lovely dentist smiled at me and asked if I was okay, I told him "no, not really," which is what I tell him every time I go see him. I sat down in the chair and at my request T came to hold my hand to support me, (I used to not like anyone near me when I'm panicky, even T, I couldn't have him touching me, but over the last few months, i feel like our bond has strengthened and I can have him there, I can let him in to help me, in a way that I have NEVER let anyone else in. I felt stronger with his hand around mine and I concentrated on the feel of his fingers around mine, of his body heat and the slight movements he made. The dentist looked at my teeth and said that there were a variety of small holes that needed to be filled in and that I should go to the doctors and get a blood test for my blood sugar because it's affecting my teeth. Also that I need to cut down on sugar :( Not happy about that but I think a walk into town to go to a health food shop and get sugar free sweets might be in order. Maybe I'll make that a goal for next week, along with picking up some decorations for the house for Angel's birthday.
Anyway back to the dentist, he said that he would do the work there and then and he wouldn't us any needles. He spent ages drilling and although I don't like it, I was okay and the only time I was close to asking him to stop was when they were spraying the water and it was catching all in my throat and making me almost gag. I knew that once he's drilled all the holes out that I couldn't just leave it and run, they needed filling otherwise they would get worse. I took a breath while he put the drill away and nodded to T that I was okay then I prepared myself and the dentist started filling in the holes. I'm not at all sure how long it took to have all the work done, but I am incredibly grateful to K for having Angel so she didn't have to see me so wound up, for T for holding my hand and seeing me at my worst and still loving me and to my wonderful dentist who I think deserves a medal for being so patient and careful with me.
When we got back to pick Angel up I just wanted to throw my arms around her and hold her tight, almost to confirm to her that with that bit over I can now work harder to stay here, with one obstacle down I might be able to fight back.
We were going to go straight home but I decided that seeing as I was doped up we may as well make the most of it and go shopping, get that out of the way so that we could have a weekend to do what we want. We arrived at Sainsburys and I took Angel, got a trolley and went shopping, T went off in the car to get some air for his tires but I felt fine, better than fine, I felt normal, nothing like drugs to give a false feeling of freedom.
I had done way over half the shopping by the time T came to find us and I would have felt happy to do the whole thing, despite the fact that I didn't know where the car (my safe space) was, they were doing up the shop so lots of builders etc around and changes to the usual set up that I'm used to, including changing where the toilets are. I don't think I even saw the people around me, I gave Angel some crisps to nibble as she was hungry and we were off.
We had a lunch of Mc Donalds at home, to ensure that a very very tired Angel would eat before she would need a sleep and then after I'd had warm food and some drink I went all dosey as an effect of the tablets.
After falling asleep on top of Angel's toys on the sofa twice, T sent me to bed. I slept most of the afternoon away, and so did Angel so T got some quiet time alone.
I'm still reeling from the thought that yes I was doped up to the high heavens but I did it and I was able to have T that close to me, I was actually able to let me support me.
A few things that I know helped me get through today are, the support of my two special friends, Lucy and K, the love for my daughter and husband and a few simple sentences that T told me last night before sleep.
We were laying in bed, me worrying about today and feeling edgy after being alone with Angel for a while and he turned to me, held me in his arms and said;
"I'm so proud of you, you hold yourself together so well that Angel doesn't even know there is anything wrong and you only allow your feeling to show when she isn't around. You are doing exactly what a mummy should be doing to protect her child, to Angel you are a normal, wonderful mummy, she doesn't see the pain your in."
I hadn't realized that I was doing such a good job of protecting her from the crap in my life, and for once I'm proud that I am managing to do that, that I have achieved something that I never thought I could do.
When we came out of the dentist, T turned to me in the car and told me that he was so proud of me, that I'm so brave and wonderful and he's honored to be my husband.
With the words of my husband, my triumph today and the love of my daughter and friends, right now I'm feeling like maybe I can fight a little longer.
At about 9 in the morning we dropped Angel off at K's house and drove to the dentist, I was definitely under the influence of the lorazapam by then and driving around the blog to wait for a space didn't bother me.
We managed to get a very good parking space nearest to the building which made me feel a little more comfy, well as comfy as you can feel when you're facing a phobia. We sat on the landing upstairs and talked and I made myself sit in the floor so I would't bolt down the stairs and out the door. I wasn't too long before we were called in but long enough for me to have settled down a little. We went into the room and my lovely dentist smiled at me and asked if I was okay, I told him "no, not really," which is what I tell him every time I go see him. I sat down in the chair and at my request T came to hold my hand to support me, (I used to not like anyone near me when I'm panicky, even T, I couldn't have him touching me, but over the last few months, i feel like our bond has strengthened and I can have him there, I can let him in to help me, in a way that I have NEVER let anyone else in. I felt stronger with his hand around mine and I concentrated on the feel of his fingers around mine, of his body heat and the slight movements he made. The dentist looked at my teeth and said that there were a variety of small holes that needed to be filled in and that I should go to the doctors and get a blood test for my blood sugar because it's affecting my teeth. Also that I need to cut down on sugar :( Not happy about that but I think a walk into town to go to a health food shop and get sugar free sweets might be in order. Maybe I'll make that a goal for next week, along with picking up some decorations for the house for Angel's birthday.
Anyway back to the dentist, he said that he would do the work there and then and he wouldn't us any needles. He spent ages drilling and although I don't like it, I was okay and the only time I was close to asking him to stop was when they were spraying the water and it was catching all in my throat and making me almost gag. I knew that once he's drilled all the holes out that I couldn't just leave it and run, they needed filling otherwise they would get worse. I took a breath while he put the drill away and nodded to T that I was okay then I prepared myself and the dentist started filling in the holes. I'm not at all sure how long it took to have all the work done, but I am incredibly grateful to K for having Angel so she didn't have to see me so wound up, for T for holding my hand and seeing me at my worst and still loving me and to my wonderful dentist who I think deserves a medal for being so patient and careful with me.
When we got back to pick Angel up I just wanted to throw my arms around her and hold her tight, almost to confirm to her that with that bit over I can now work harder to stay here, with one obstacle down I might be able to fight back.
We were going to go straight home but I decided that seeing as I was doped up we may as well make the most of it and go shopping, get that out of the way so that we could have a weekend to do what we want. We arrived at Sainsburys and I took Angel, got a trolley and went shopping, T went off in the car to get some air for his tires but I felt fine, better than fine, I felt normal, nothing like drugs to give a false feeling of freedom.
I had done way over half the shopping by the time T came to find us and I would have felt happy to do the whole thing, despite the fact that I didn't know where the car (my safe space) was, they were doing up the shop so lots of builders etc around and changes to the usual set up that I'm used to, including changing where the toilets are. I don't think I even saw the people around me, I gave Angel some crisps to nibble as she was hungry and we were off.
We had a lunch of Mc Donalds at home, to ensure that a very very tired Angel would eat before she would need a sleep and then after I'd had warm food and some drink I went all dosey as an effect of the tablets.
After falling asleep on top of Angel's toys on the sofa twice, T sent me to bed. I slept most of the afternoon away, and so did Angel so T got some quiet time alone.
I'm still reeling from the thought that yes I was doped up to the high heavens but I did it and I was able to have T that close to me, I was actually able to let me support me.
A few things that I know helped me get through today are, the support of my two special friends, Lucy and K, the love for my daughter and husband and a few simple sentences that T told me last night before sleep.
We were laying in bed, me worrying about today and feeling edgy after being alone with Angel for a while and he turned to me, held me in his arms and said;
"I'm so proud of you, you hold yourself together so well that Angel doesn't even know there is anything wrong and you only allow your feeling to show when she isn't around. You are doing exactly what a mummy should be doing to protect her child, to Angel you are a normal, wonderful mummy, she doesn't see the pain your in."
I hadn't realized that I was doing such a good job of protecting her from the crap in my life, and for once I'm proud that I am managing to do that, that I have achieved something that I never thought I could do.
When we came out of the dentist, T turned to me in the car and told me that he was so proud of me, that I'm so brave and wonderful and he's honored to be my husband.
With the words of my husband, my triumph today and the love of my daughter and friends, right now I'm feeling like maybe I can fight a little longer.
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Morning of the massive scary
This morning I have an appointment at the dentist. I have ar least 2 teeth that need work and I'm unsure whether I'm going to have to be Sedated or not. Hopefully I can persuade the dentist to do the work without numbing and just face any pain which is better than needles and sedation.
So far I've woken up, taken some aconite and a whole lorazapam and now I'm waiting for them to work, wondering if I need more lorazapam. I havnt been able to eat anything yet and I don't really feel all that hungry so maybe ill have a few crisps or a biscuit.
Terror doesnt even begin to describe what I'm feeling. I'm trying my best to be strong and brave but inside I'm shivering in a corner.
I know I need this work done, I Wont be able to concentrate on getting mentally better with it hanging over me and if I get it done today, then I will get to enjoy my weekend and then next week,Angels birthday. I don't want this hanging over me for that.
A close friend is having Angel thus morning while we go so T can be there for me fully and Angel doesn't have to see me in a state.
I'm so scared :'(
Pushing
Last night I spent most of the evening up a ladder with a scraper and spray bottle working on stripping the hallway of the old woodchip which has been here since before T moved in 11 years ago. We never intended tk stay here more than 5 years after we got together but here we are over 6 years later still here, not our fault but honestly the house is a nice one really, large rooms and although the area has gone downhill and the galley kitchen is a pain its our home.
I had a shower after all my hard work and I did some hypno. It all made me very tired and although I still had vivid dreams, i slept okay.
This morning I knew I NEEDED to go out today,especially if theres to be any hope of me going through with the dentist tomorrow. I took a quarter of a loraz and did the morning how we usually do, slow, taking our time for me to warm up to the going out idea and feel more prepared for it. It was 2 hours later by the time I managed to even feel close to being able to and even then I didn't think I'd get far. T set me the task of just popping to the post box and if I felt I could, to go to a nearby shop (one of them) and get some bread.
I really didn't want to take Angel out, she used to relax me but now she's another reason to worry. I put her in the stroller and we went outside. It was windy which was quite refreshing although Angel hates the wind. We got to the post box and posted the letter then we walked back down towards home but the longer way round. At the left turn for home I carried on though to go out onto the main road round the corner and attempt to get bread. I was very anxious and stepping around the corner realised that I was totally in the open, the very busy road and shops and not even any crannys or entries to hide in. So instead if turning back I just thought well I can't be ill then,no where safe to be and went Into the shop. I was in a state enough that I didn't see the bread at first and walked around a little aimlessly with Angel asking for sweeties. I found it and brought some bread and batches then didn't feel like treating myself but wanted to get a treat for Angel so I got her some nice crisps for later or tomorrow. I felt calmer coming out and decided to take the busy main road home. Angel didn't approve she hates all the traffic noise but I felt not fine but okay.
This afternoon I've been working my butt of on finishing the teddy bear I'm making Angel and T is working in the dining room. Tonight the battle for confidence will take place and then tomorrow I will fidgets crossed be able to go through with Dentist and get it out the way so I can enjoy my weekend then Angels birthday next week.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Which way is back from here?
Today I'm feeling even more trapped. It's been a week today since I was very ill and the memories aren't going to leave me alone. I keep thinking that everyday I get away from the last time I was sick the closer I am to the next. My dreams were about vomit all night apart from the part where Angel was awake and I was panicking that she was awake because she was feeling ill.
I'd wanted to go out to the postbox at least this morning but, here I am still at home, feeling weak, edgy and dizzy while T has stopped his work to take Angel out to get my meds.
I don't know how to get back from here, how to heal after the big bad happened. I swore that next time I got a tummy bug I would kill myself. So why am I still here? Stuck in what feels like lonely empty scary limbo.
The truth is I dont want to leave T and Angel but at the moment I'm living a half life with no idea how to change it.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Hiding inside
Today has been a slow day I ended up staying up until two In the morning, I couldnt let myself go to sleep because I was having a nasty panic attack, I was convinced that I was going to get ill again. After watching Pheonix playing in her cage for a while and still not feeling any better I decided I would be best to go and try to sleep downstairs. It ended up watching the little mermaid ballet on the TV and forced myself to eat some biscuits which thankfully made me feel better.
T and Angel were also both up in the night which meant we were all very tired this morning and were all finding it hard to get up and going. I was very anxious about having Angel on my own which I never ended up having to do really, T's knees were playing him up a lot and meant it was very hard for him to concentrate on work, so he played his game and helped me keep an eye on Angel from the sofa. We ended up putting her in her cot after a while during the morning, her being awake in the night had left her very tired and she just didn't want to do anything but cry and complain. After an hour nap she was doing a bit better and I decided to give her a bath before lunch then took a leap of confidence and gave her something that is a no no food for me and that presses buttons thinking of it brought up. (more than other things because of the colour).
After lunch she was behaving badly again, and really winding both me and T up, but I ended up coming up with a brilliant idea, I gave her a bowl of soapy water on the kitchen floor in the sun by the open door with some of her kitchen stuff in and she played washing up and making cups of soapy tea for about two hours! She was so involved that when she wanted her snack, she didn't stop, she just asked me to put the rice crisps into her mouth. I got a lot of washing up done, cleaned the kitchen surfaces and had a good tidy up. I cleaned out one of the cupboards and threw some of Angels old things out and the kitchen looks great now and although it exhausted me, I'm feeling better about it being cleaner and being able to keep it cleaner.
I made roast gammon for dinner with boiled potatoes and yorkshire puddings, but when it came to eating it, I just didn't feel hungry, I felt more panicky and I ended up eating a little potato and a few mini yorkshire puddings but was too scared to eat much meat because of the colour and texture and how terrified I was of bringing it up.
Now I'm sitting trying my best to get my head into my writing but still my brain won't focus and every little thing stops me from it. Maybe it is another watch the TV night and forget.
Of course whats also playing on my mind is my teeth which desperately need to be seen and fixed but I can't even go out of the house most of the time right now, I didn't today, so how will I go to somewhere that presses on BOTH of my phobias? I'm hoping to be able to get T to talk to the dentist tomorrow and see what he suggests.
Basically, I'm all over the place and I hurt inside all the time.
T and Angel were also both up in the night which meant we were all very tired this morning and were all finding it hard to get up and going. I was very anxious about having Angel on my own which I never ended up having to do really, T's knees were playing him up a lot and meant it was very hard for him to concentrate on work, so he played his game and helped me keep an eye on Angel from the sofa. We ended up putting her in her cot after a while during the morning, her being awake in the night had left her very tired and she just didn't want to do anything but cry and complain. After an hour nap she was doing a bit better and I decided to give her a bath before lunch then took a leap of confidence and gave her something that is a no no food for me and that presses buttons thinking of it brought up. (more than other things because of the colour).
After lunch she was behaving badly again, and really winding both me and T up, but I ended up coming up with a brilliant idea, I gave her a bowl of soapy water on the kitchen floor in the sun by the open door with some of her kitchen stuff in and she played washing up and making cups of soapy tea for about two hours! She was so involved that when she wanted her snack, she didn't stop, she just asked me to put the rice crisps into her mouth. I got a lot of washing up done, cleaned the kitchen surfaces and had a good tidy up. I cleaned out one of the cupboards and threw some of Angels old things out and the kitchen looks great now and although it exhausted me, I'm feeling better about it being cleaner and being able to keep it cleaner.
I made roast gammon for dinner with boiled potatoes and yorkshire puddings, but when it came to eating it, I just didn't feel hungry, I felt more panicky and I ended up eating a little potato and a few mini yorkshire puddings but was too scared to eat much meat because of the colour and texture and how terrified I was of bringing it up.
Now I'm sitting trying my best to get my head into my writing but still my brain won't focus and every little thing stops me from it. Maybe it is another watch the TV night and forget.
Of course whats also playing on my mind is my teeth which desperately need to be seen and fixed but I can't even go out of the house most of the time right now, I didn't today, so how will I go to somewhere that presses on BOTH of my phobias? I'm hoping to be able to get T to talk to the dentist tomorrow and see what he suggests.
Basically, I'm all over the place and I hurt inside all the time.
Monday, 13 August 2012
Relapsing but with a facade
Today started out not too bad. The plan was for T to work at home but be unavailable in the dining room, even with music on his headphones so that I was on my own, but he was there if absolutely needed.
I got myself some breakfast and although I didn't feel at all ready I squared up for the day and made myself dive in and cope. Angel was being well behaved enough and I took it slow as usual getting ready for the day. I was on edge with things like her eating and in some ways felt better when she was because I knew that there was more of a chance that she wouldn't be eating if she felt unwell. Still I watched her overly closely and I kept washing things, cleaning our hands and using hand gel. I knew I was probably being too over the top but the OCD said that I wasn't being thorough enough.
I ended up getting our bags ready and talking myself into taking Angel for a walk to the post box, trying to convince myself that I would be okay, that if I felt okay in that moment then I would most likely be okay in the next too. I made myself lock the door as if I would have to if I was alone and I took a sip of my drink and walked to the end of the road. I kept going and walked up to the postbox, feeling very on edge and my tummy was feeling very sensitive. I could have come back home then but I pushed myself on, through Daisy Park and then along the main road which almost had me hyperventilating and I had to work hard to control my panic and my breathing. I then cut through some very quiet roads that we hadn't been down before but then found myself next to two vans with people working outside a row of houses and no choice but to go past them one way or another. I dug my nails in and breathed very shallowly, clenched my teeth and tried to keep myself under control. Once I was past them I sped up and made quick work of crossing the road and getting home, I knew it was panic and as soon as I got back I would be okay again but if I thought with a sane mind I wouldn't be where I am now.
Lunch time came around quick and I organised some sausage, cheese melt toasted sandwiches for T and Angel and I had some white bread but found it to be stale and ended up throwing over half of it away and not really making up for it. I managed to have some crisps in the afternoon to settle my tummy and I spent a few hours tidying and cleaning which made me feel better at the time but I was already a wreck by that point, somewhere after lunch my defenses dropped and the pictures got in. I couldn't stop the flashbacks and my imagination and I kept thinking Angel looks pale and ill and keeping a special close eye on her while going through plans in my head of what I would do if she was sick. The afternoon seemed to take ages and as the day has wore on I've become more and more distressed and panicky and my tummy seems to have gotten more and more sensitive. I made baked potatoes for dinner but mine is still sitting in the oven untouched, I had two buttered crackers and a tiny bit of Angel's potato but apart from that and I've just had two biscuits, I'm terrified to eat much else.
Frazzled is a very good description of how I'm feeling right now. My nerves are on a knifes edge and I wish it was my wrists there instead. I wouldn't say that I feel suicidal as such, but I am feeling like I'm tired of this, tired of fighting and having to hold up a facade and be strong. Maybe I need some time to fall, to let go and panic and fret, out of sight of anyone, hidden away. But then again, maybe not.
I'm terrified once again of going to bed tonight because I do not want to face tomorrow.
I got myself some breakfast and although I didn't feel at all ready I squared up for the day and made myself dive in and cope. Angel was being well behaved enough and I took it slow as usual getting ready for the day. I was on edge with things like her eating and in some ways felt better when she was because I knew that there was more of a chance that she wouldn't be eating if she felt unwell. Still I watched her overly closely and I kept washing things, cleaning our hands and using hand gel. I knew I was probably being too over the top but the OCD said that I wasn't being thorough enough.
I ended up getting our bags ready and talking myself into taking Angel for a walk to the post box, trying to convince myself that I would be okay, that if I felt okay in that moment then I would most likely be okay in the next too. I made myself lock the door as if I would have to if I was alone and I took a sip of my drink and walked to the end of the road. I kept going and walked up to the postbox, feeling very on edge and my tummy was feeling very sensitive. I could have come back home then but I pushed myself on, through Daisy Park and then along the main road which almost had me hyperventilating and I had to work hard to control my panic and my breathing. I then cut through some very quiet roads that we hadn't been down before but then found myself next to two vans with people working outside a row of houses and no choice but to go past them one way or another. I dug my nails in and breathed very shallowly, clenched my teeth and tried to keep myself under control. Once I was past them I sped up and made quick work of crossing the road and getting home, I knew it was panic and as soon as I got back I would be okay again but if I thought with a sane mind I wouldn't be where I am now.
Lunch time came around quick and I organised some sausage, cheese melt toasted sandwiches for T and Angel and I had some white bread but found it to be stale and ended up throwing over half of it away and not really making up for it. I managed to have some crisps in the afternoon to settle my tummy and I spent a few hours tidying and cleaning which made me feel better at the time but I was already a wreck by that point, somewhere after lunch my defenses dropped and the pictures got in. I couldn't stop the flashbacks and my imagination and I kept thinking Angel looks pale and ill and keeping a special close eye on her while going through plans in my head of what I would do if she was sick. The afternoon seemed to take ages and as the day has wore on I've become more and more distressed and panicky and my tummy seems to have gotten more and more sensitive. I made baked potatoes for dinner but mine is still sitting in the oven untouched, I had two buttered crackers and a tiny bit of Angel's potato but apart from that and I've just had two biscuits, I'm terrified to eat much else.
Frazzled is a very good description of how I'm feeling right now. My nerves are on a knifes edge and I wish it was my wrists there instead. I wouldn't say that I feel suicidal as such, but I am feeling like I'm tired of this, tired of fighting and having to hold up a facade and be strong. Maybe I need some time to fall, to let go and panic and fret, out of sight of anyone, hidden away. But then again, maybe not.
I'm terrified once again of going to bed tonight because I do not want to face tomorrow.
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