Thursday I was supposed to get up and go to the dentist but the night before I took a sedative, I admit I didn't want to wake up, and I couldn't, T couldn't wake me nor Angel and we had to cancel the appointment. We made it for the next day and T went into work. Angel and I spend most of the day inside except an hour and half when it was nice enough weather for her to play outside with her friend S. She had an unexpected sleep in the afternoon so I took the opportunity to have a shower and do some hypnotherapy. By the use of music at the same time as the hypno, I managed to stay awake and focused on what I was doing.
First thing Friday morning, I took a whole lorazapam and had some aconite and didn't eat very much a all except maybe a biscuit. K had Angel for us and we went to the dentist with plenty of time to spare. I was actually pretty doped up I think because I don't really remember where we parked even. I remember going into the waiting room and the receptionist telling us that my dentist was off sick and that I was going to be having a different one. Alarm bells went off and I knew I should have said, okay then I will come back when he's better but the receptionist reassured me she was a nice lady and I felt like I would be a failure if I chickened out of going so I agreed and me and T went up the stairs and sat on the landing talking while we waited.
It took ages and a check by one of the nurses before I was finally called in and I was in a room upstairs right at the very very back of the building away from the stairs and any toilets. Completely out of my comfort zone. I sat in the chair and she looked at the tooth that needed a filling she ummed and ahhed then began hacking at me with her silver tool. She said I can fill it but it will cost £50, or a colleague can fill it for £25 or I can put a temporary one in until you see your dentist. We agreed to temporary, not being able to afford the latter and she once again began pressing on it and hacking at it, little bits of tooth came flying off in all directions, one almost blinding me, one almost chocking me and another landing on my tongue. I was terrified. Once she'd finished what ever she was doing she then started grating the tool across my other teeth, telling the nurse that far more needs doing. She pressed on more teeth and broke more bits off a few other ones. Then she said "There's a lot of work to do, you're teeth are very decayed. You need to change your diet." "You need to stop having sugar and sugary things and drink water instead of juice," she said, pointing to my 'safety drink' I always have with me. She made me feel like a dirty twat who doesn't know how to look after her teeth, she made me feel that it's my fault that I'm doing it to my teeth myself. She made me feel dejected and disgusting and ashamed. She broke me up like my original dentist that gave me dentophobia. I felt insulted and ashamed of myself.
I walked out of the dentist in tears, I didn't care who saw me, I was distraught and so far more and more of my teeth have crumbled and fallen out due to her poking. Two weeks ago I was told by my own dentist that my teeth were fine. The first time ever and apparently according to her he was either lying or my teeth have decayed in a few weeks that badly.
Today I had my sister over and although I tried to enjoy myself as much as possible I found I just wanted to be on my own to cry. More and more tooth kept falling out and I just feel nauseous constantly now, I'm too scared to eat because every time I do more comes out, I have a dull ache and I know the hole is down to the gum, I think it will need drilling which will mean I will have to go back to be sedated again. I can't put into words how devastated I am, how upset and hurt I am and how much I hate that woman for what she's done to me.
I would usually be considering suicide at this point but I feel to heartbroken and almost abused to even want to do that.
No comments:
Post a Comment