This morning T's knees were so bad that he called into work to say he couldn't go in and went to the doctors. We both knew that this would not only mean I'd need to look after him, but I'd also have to do all of the housework, all of the looking after animals including a very ill gerbil, all of the Angel care and the cooking. I don't mind, I like to be useful and T is always so grateful but I won't deny that its hard work.
Angel was in a bit of a mood so I took her out for a walk in her stroller, unfortunately, I wasn't in a great mood myself, my confidence was lacking after a big scare last night when I thought I was going to be ill. I pushed myself very hard to go up to the postbox and then back home again, I was feeling very on edge, but thankfully I knew that although my tummy is sensitive, it was mostly panic making it feel so bad.
Back at home Angel and I had a snack and we played outside for a while until it started raining and we went in to make some lunch. I managed a little bit for lunch but I think Angel ate as much if not more than me. My appetite has gone right down and although I keep trying to make myself eat, things get in the way or I just don't feel hungry.
In the afternoon Angel decided pretty late that she would have a nap but I let her have half an hour and spent that time doing some painting while T played his game to take his mind of his pain.
I ended up waking Angel up at just gone four so she would be awake enough to have some dinner. She wasn't at all ready to get up though and when T was cuddling her after I'd brought her downstairs she fell asleep again. I thought she was just drowsy so I tickled her and helped her wake up by encouraging her to play but as soon as she was awake a bit more she started to scream and cry. I tried putting teething gel on her gums where she's teething and it helped at first then she started again. Although T was with me, I felt so lost, I didn't know what was wrong and I didn't know what to do. I responded with anger and told her to shh and stop being silly. The poor thing kept looking up at me and breaking my heart. We decided to try some ibuprofen and I went to get some, when I got back she was screaming so much she wouldn't take it. I don't know what I was thinking, between her cries I put the spoon in her mouth and she sucked the medicine back and choked. We massaged her back and gave her water and she seemed to calm down and stop, but then she started to gag again, and she was sick. I won't go into details because at least one other emetophobic reads this. I will say that although I held her and helped and cleaned up, I was shaking and minutes from passing out. T cleaned her up and I shut my brain off, I couldn't stop seeing the images over and over so I just stopped seeing anything.
We don't know whether it was me choking her which caused her to be ill or more likely the case that she was crying because she wasn't feeling well. She has managed some toast now so hopefully she will be okay although I'll be on a knifes edge for the next few days to a week.
She's in bed now, not asleep but settling down and I have shown her all the love I could in my dissociated state. I couldn't be more ashamed of my behavior before she was poorly.
Now I have started my usual fasting whenever there is a risk of me getting ill, not great with my blood sugar but at least I have extra weight now that it doesn't matter if I lose. This will also mean staying in for the next so many days so that if I am to get ill, it won't be in public. Maybe getting my teeth sorted will have to wait even longer. (T can't take me with his knees at the moment anyway).
Now to shut myself off with my music and continue my dad's painting.
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