Battles

Before I start this entry I wanted to add something that I forgot to write on here on my last blog entry. It might not sound much to most people but I managed something for the first time ever since I have been with my husband. On Angel's birthday I managed to get the confidence together to sing happy birthday to her in front of him. I managed it and I didn't even feel that self-conscious, but it was the first time ever that I have sang  in front of him. 

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I was absolutely exhausted yesterday and ended up falling asleep early and not getting around to my blog, so I'm catching up again tonight.

Yesterday morning was hard but the hard work payed off in the end and I was actually proud of myself for once, or maybe I was just surprised.

T wasn't up for going out at all, his knees were so bad that I told him he had to stay on the sofa and rest all day unless he was going to the bathroom. He needed repeatedly telling off until he finally got the message and rested. I decided that I didn't want to be stuck in all day, so I got the letters from the shelf and got mine and Angel's bags ready before talking myself into getting the stroller out of the car and setting it all up to go out. I had some aconite but decided to skip the lorazapam, thinking that I was going only as far as the little park if that, although I did pick up a little shopping list I'd made the day before for some ingredients to make T a homemade curry which he's been fancying for a while. I didn't really believe I would make it to the supermarket though.

I went out and feeling a little edgy, pushed Angel to the post box. She asked if we could go into the park and although I was feeling not at my best I decided to indulge her. While we went through the empty park, I tried a new technique that I learned from an emetophobic forum, where I feel/look inside myself to work out where the nausea feeling is coming from; if it feels like it's coming from my throat then the chances are its with wind or panic. If it's in my tummy there is more chance of it being an illness but depending on the way it feels I can work out if it is more likely to be something else. It takes a lot of practice and work and feeling inside yourself for what you really feel but I find it works quite well sometimes and I will take any method that helps even a little.

We got out onto the main road and I decided that it was more likely hunger or anxiety by the feeling of it and I carried on walking, denying the feeling it's hold over me. I kept going past the shortcut home, the longer route home, the medical center and the last route home and continued on to the diggers which Angel loved watching for a while, while I looked up opening times for the shop I was thinking of going to.

We set off again and went into the big park, I decided that I would walk through the bit park looking at the birds and things and then if from where I can see the shop from just past the park and it was closed, I would go home again, if it was open I would keep going.

When we got out of the other side of the park I could see the shop and it looked closed but I kept myself going forward, telling myself that I was only trying to find out if I could see people going inside or not. We got as far as the slope down to the shop and I decided to take another route, through a garden. The garden was closed but it was so quiet in that area that I decided to let Angel out of the pushchair and let her walk for a while, while I decided what to do. We walked all round the outside of the garden, down a residential but very quiet road and I took a quarter of a lorazapam. The shop was definitely closed when we got nearer and instead of standing outside it panicking I decided to go sit in the pretty garden and I let Angel sit with me on the bench and have a drink while we looked at the flowers and waited for the shop to open. As I sat there though, I got myself more and more worked up as I watched town getting more and more full of people. Some police arrived and came into the park and they made me worse; I don't trust police at all, they always make me on edge.
I text T to tell him where I was and what I was doing and he offered that if I needed picking up he would pick me up, and he also said that if I didn't feel up to going any further, he thinks I'm wonderful anyway and very brave. I nibbled some crisps and sipped my drink then made myself get up and get Angel in the pushchair to try for getting the shopping in the small supermarket, with only one in and one out door, in a very public place with no hidey holes and with no toilets inside. I was scared, terrified even but I made myself keep going.

We got inside the doors and I took a breath, grabbed a basket and went inside. I started getting the food, having to go back on myself a few times because the nerves were making me forgetful and I couldn't see things in front of my eyes. I also picked up some plain biscuits in little packets for me to take out with me and some special treats for T and Angel. We payed and then we walked outside again. I took the more busy route home, but I was feeling strong and confident and pleased with my achievements. T was so proud when we got home, he hadn't expected me to just carry on and he said that I am amazing and brave and he married a wonderful person, (needless to say I blushed).

The afternoon however went downhill from there really, we had some lunch and then I kept trying to get bits of housework and stripping the walls done but T was completely absorbed in playing his Xbox while I looked after him and Angel and juggled everything else too. Angel was also being a pain in the butt, crying lots and triggering me and then being naughty because she was trying to get T's attention. I was very annoyed but kept going until when she was in bed and I'd done all the housework I had no energy left to do anything and ended up falling asleep very early then having nightmares and panic attacks waking me up every half hour- hour from then onward until I was woken this morning by T saying he needed me up straight away because he was in pain again.

I dragged myself out of bed and made myself get dressed in record time even though my eyes wouldn't even see clearly. I had a little breakfast downstairs but right from when I got up Angel was in a really crappy mood and played me up. T managed to stand up long enough to have a shower which made him feel a little better and we were intending to go out but by the time we got ready Angel was in a VERY bad mood and I was that way too and I just didn't have the energy to try. We had an early lunch and not long after we put Angel in her cot for a sleep while T sorted out some of his writing stuff and I did some knitting as I have 3 commissions to get through in the next 3 weeks. When Angel woke up thankfully she was in a better mood and after we shared a shower bath, I put on some music and we all danced, even T who couldn't stand up and dance but did so sitting down.

While Angel and T had their dinner, I did the washing up, sorted out the kitchen, cleaned the hob and then did some more stripping on the staircase. Tomorrow I'm hoping that we get going early enough to get to a shop where I can buy some paint and filler and things to help me do more DIY and decorating. I'm a small, one girl band but I will have a house that we are happy to live in even if it takes a year and several collapses from exhaustion.