Things that change and things that stay the same.

My life at the moment has changes, not only am I changing but there are events waiting just around the corner. The main one being that we have now reached the 3 month mark from T being confirmed at work meaning we can now get a mortgage. We have been looking at houses online and today drove around looking at the ones we short listed from the outside. One had a teeeeenie garden and windows falling apart. One we didn't like the area it was in and another needed a lot of work done just to the outside. We have one left. The area looks great, the house looks great from the outside, garden not huge but big enough and the house has everything were looking for in a house. It ticks all the boxes and from the outside there's no change in that. Tomorrow the estate agents are calling me and we are going to arrange a visit. It's a very exciting.

Another change or rather a progression is that my first book is ready for paper publishing. The format needs tweaking but then it's ready to go. Then I will have the second and third to do then the first book from another series. I have the one I've been writing along with the second zombie one and now I have a third in the series of the zombie books or a stand alone but whichever it has different characters and probably some of my kind of comedy in it. 

I'm trying to think of all the positives right now especially as I'm struggling tonight. 8 years ago I was the Illest I have ever been emetophobically and every year I have stayed away from the place it happened. This year I'm here. Today I have been places I went back then, touched things i touched then and walked the same floors. During the day I can smile, hold back the fears but right now with T asleep, Angel asleep and me sitting up awake with a steadily worsening sore throat and flashbacks it isn't so easy. 

I went out today to top off the phobia ass kicking. I went to a supermarket and had a look round the clothing sale and I was okay. I had aconite in my system but no loraz! That's a huge achievement but I can't say I know how I'm doing it or how long it will last.

Tomorrow it could all crumble and fall apart. 

Not how this week was supposed to start

This week Is starting wrongly, not at all how I imagined at all. I was supposed to get up tomorrow and drive my angel I playgroup then do some shopping in town then pick her up and bring her home. 

This is how tomorrow is going to go in reality. I have to take Angel to her grandparents to take her to playgroup while I try to get some work done at home. She then gets brought back most likely very late and then we stay stuck in doing housework. 

I failed. 

I spent all week preparing myself only to go and fail. I got up Friday morning too calm. We dropped Angel off over at the main house with her grandparents then T drive us the 45 min drive. I was okay. A little anxious but 'normal' feelings. 

Got there and met my instructor and he got me to do some driving. After nearly an hour I was beginning to get tired and was losing concentration. We finally stopped but not before my blood sugar was low. I managed to get time to eat a few crisps then I met my examiner and the test started. Anxiety- 0, panic - 0 confidence - 100. I truly was calm calmer than I've ever been in a tense test situation. I drove and I manoeuvred and I truly believed I would pass. No I knew I would. I was so focussed on it, on how well I was doing that I started to forget what I had to do. I left my indicator on way too long and confused other drivers not once but over 4 times. Major fail. I also messed up my positioning on a busy roundabout. 

I go to the end I the test and despite all of that was sure id passed. He told me right off id failed and it was like a kick in the face. I was mortified, ashamed, I still am. 

Yes I was tired from all the driving beforehand and my blood sugar was low but I also was overconfident. I am disgusted and disappointed. Not that I failed but with my stupidity. As If magically I would pass just through belief and positive thinking. 

So many people knew I was doing the test and I had to announce to them all that I'd failed. 

When I rebook my test I won't be telling anyone. Because then when I fail I won't have to feel so ashamed. 

Can't seem to keep up

I can't seem to keep up with my blog anymore. I tried starting a new one but that didn't help. 

I am in a new world most of the time. A world I don't recognise but am extremely grateful to be in. I am achieving things I never thought I would achieve in my life. Passing my theory test being one of them. Travelling for nearly an hour to go shopping in a massive town centre and even doing the driving myself. Eating meals out and not rushing home to hide but staying out afterwards and continuing which what I'm doing. 

I'd be lying if I said that I don't get panic attacks anymore; I do, I get anxious and depressed and panicked like I used to. I for now seem to bounce back quicker perhaps. I honestly don't think it can last but that doesn't matter, the thing that matters is that I am enjoying it, every moment, every day. It is freedom compared to where I used to be. I will never be 'normal' but this is the closest thing for me and it's indescribable. 

I'm not any less afraid of either of my phobias and that does catch up with me often, I think I just run quicker away again even though they never leave the back if my mind. You can't outrun yourself. 

Friday I have my driving test, I know I'm pinning a lot of hope on that, hope that is just about managing to keep me going through the anxiety and PTSD of this time of the year, especially when we are in the very place the huge big bad happened 8 years ago. It is a long time but every memory is fresh in my mind. 

I don't feel ready for the test, I did a few weeks ago. I really do believe I will fail. With the theory I knew I had a fair chance of passing because I'd worked so hard to practise and revise but I'm very hasty practically and I want to so much which means I won't get it and I can't say I will be inclined to try again. I know I will fall into a depression.  I know I will crumple. Maybe I even think it's about time I felt that way, I deserve it. I keep considering just cancelling. Not going through the stress of it.