I am in a new world most of the time. A world I don't recognise but am extremely grateful to be in. I am achieving things I never thought I would achieve in my life. Passing my theory test being one of them. Travelling for nearly an hour to go shopping in a massive town centre and even doing the driving myself. Eating meals out and not rushing home to hide but staying out afterwards and continuing which what I'm doing.
I'd be lying if I said that I don't get panic attacks anymore; I do, I get anxious and depressed and panicked like I used to. I for now seem to bounce back quicker perhaps. I honestly don't think it can last but that doesn't matter, the thing that matters is that I am enjoying it, every moment, every day. It is freedom compared to where I used to be. I will never be 'normal' but this is the closest thing for me and it's indescribable.
I'm not any less afraid of either of my phobias and that does catch up with me often, I think I just run quicker away again even though they never leave the back if my mind. You can't outrun yourself.
Friday I have my driving test, I know I'm pinning a lot of hope on that, hope that is just about managing to keep me going through the anxiety and PTSD of this time of the year, especially when we are in the very place the huge big bad happened 8 years ago. It is a long time but every memory is fresh in my mind.
I don't feel ready for the test, I did a few weeks ago. I really do believe I will fail. With the theory I knew I had a fair chance of passing because I'd worked so hard to practise and revise but I'm very hasty practically and I want to so much which means I won't get it and I can't say I will be inclined to try again. I know I will fall into a depression. I know I will crumple. Maybe I even think it's about time I felt that way, I deserve it. I keep considering just cancelling. Not going through the stress of it.
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