Long walk

Yesterday night I'd felt quite ambitious about today, although I wasn't sure why. However when I woke up I felt very different. I had lots of trouble actually waking up and then I just didn't feel very confident.

Part way through the morning after some coffee and a leisurely breakfast I decided that I would at least take Angel out for a walk up to the post box. We bumped into our friends P and S outside and we walked up the the nearby opticians with them so I could ask about prices. It was 25 to just have a test, without even paying for lenses so I left it, despite really needing to go, I just don't have that kinda money. We left P ans S and they went the other way into town while me and Angel went back the way we had come to the post box to post the letters. Angel kept going on about wanting to see the 'wack wacks' (ducks) so I agreed that I would take her, despite feeling a little on edge.

* After the fire next door the other day, the paper talked to me and this morning my piece was in the paper complete with my name, my age, where I lived and Angels name and age too. So when I saw the men who got out on bail today who were arrested and my piece was against and about in the paper, I was terrified. Thankfully there were a few people around but they were all drunk and saying things and spitting in my direction. My first instinct was to protect Angel and go home. But she didn't know what was going on an I was not going to ruin her day and cower, so I looked the other way and carried on.


When  we got into the big park we sat watching the ducks, geese, and swans and I tried to eat and have some energy tablets so my blood sugar would stop playing up and I could go a little further or at least not go home yet.

I wasn't sure how far I'd get but I set myself the target of going into the very edge of town and getting some money out of the cash machine for the next few weeks. As i got nearer to the center of town it got more an more busy and I realized that there was Olympic related skateboarding and BMXing going on and chairs set up for people and the big screen set up with the Olympics playing. Instead of turning back with the panic rising, I kept going, I made myself stand at the cash point and wait behind a dithery old woman, then it was my turn and I did it despite the queue behind me and the panic.

Angel was fascinated by the skateboarding so I stopped and let her watch it for a while, then I decided to take the pressure a step higher and take Angel up onto the tall blue bridge to get a better look at the boarding and biking below and generally just walk along it, I've only done it once when it was first built, it is a huge panic thing, being up high and so vulnerable. I questioned what I was doing on the way up, but I did it, I kept going and took photos at the top and let Angel look down below and we chatted about what we could see. Then we walked all the way along it to the end and then back through the park, past the demolition site and all the diggers and then back home again.

The afternoon went okay until Angel suddenly seemed to start whining for no good reason, now I know that she wasn't feeling very well, but at the time, I just thought she was tired or something. I ended up losing my temper and shouting at her quite a bit and being upset etc etc. We ended up bouncing back and forth until T came home and helped... a little. I was just stressed from having to look after her all day, challenge and push myself, think of meals, cook them and not have them eaten anyway, cleaning, washing, tidying etc etc, its tiring and I wanted to do something for myself, some time to myself, even half an hour. I guess I still haven't completely gotten used to Angel not having a sleep in the afternoon.

Hoping tomorrow will be a good day, but knowing that with the dentist being Thurs I'm going to be a bit of a nervous wreck.

New week, new start.

Today I didn't have very high expectations for myself. I got up and gradually got Angel and me ready for the day. We were both on go slow.
It was gone eleven by the time I was ready to go out and even at that point I didn't feel properly ready, I was  very anxious, shaking, and wanting to go inside and hide. K rang me and told me I didn't have to force myself if I wasn't up for it but I pushed through, I went outside and locked the door behind us. Then I kept walking, up to the post box which seemed miles away with how nervous I was. After that although I was very panicky I walked to K's house and we picked up some leaflets to post to nearby houses. It started raining when we got there and I actually found it helped a lot, so by the time we had stood talking then left again I was feeling calmer. Angel and I had some lunch, admittedly I didn't have much and what I did have would be considered more dessert than actual food, but I got something into me with my very small appetite.

Angel didn't have a nap in the afternoon, she played and danced and played more and the day just kind of drifted by. Angel did insist on playing up quite a bit which kept getting me annoyed but I think with the weather being wet outside she was bored being stuck inside. That and she is still teething her very back teeth.

I made a new recipe for dinner, I made my own sweet, sticky mango sauce and cooked some chicken in it until it was all golden and yummy. I did a mismatch of pasta and naan bread too, because that was what we had in. Angel didn't eat much but T and I enjoyed it a lot. I enjoyed it too much, my plan had been for me to make dinner then go and do the leaflets before Angel went to bed, but I was just too hungry to wait.

Once Angel was in bed, I decided that although I'd eaten and non-safe food in my mind, I would still go out and at least post the leaflets in my road and very nearby. I put my music on and just lost myself in the feel of the floor under my footsteps, the sound of the voices and instruments in the music and the louder outside sounds which got in through the sound of my music.
I ended up posting all of the leaflets and I would have done a whole load more if I'd had them, I walked the long way home and shocked T by telling him that I'd done it all.

I'm really very tired now. Very worried about the dentist on Thursday but right now the most important thing I need to do it sleep.

A downfall an unexpected success and a fire.

Saturday morning T didnt wake me up and I ended up sleeping in until they woke me up accidentally, getting ready to go out. I had hoped to go out with them and I felt angry at myself for sleeping in so late. Once they had gone out though, I decided to make the most of the unusual quiet time and have a shower, dress in confident clothes and get some breakfast while I listened to uplifting music. I was in a good mood when they got back although I was still feeling a bit depressed and told T upfront so he would know what to expect from me. Despite him knowing how low I was though, he sat at the table on his phone looking at social networking sites and mostly ignoring me and Angel. I stayed quiet then after lunch he did the same thing, from phone to computer while I played with Angel and kept asking what we should do all together and getting no answer from him. Id rather not talk about what happened the rest of the afternoon, but it culminated in desperate self harm, starving, and self loathing. Once id taken the time I needed to calm down I picked T some flowers from the garden to say sorry and we got on better.

Today I knew I HAD to go out, to prove to myself that I still can at least. We decided to go get a few things they forgot from shopping and go in another shop where T found a lot of new cooking things and a new mug and teapot. I didst take any meds, I thought that if I needed any is take them when I needed them. I went into the shop with T and Angel despite being dizzy and I was okay, even at the back of the store and carrying the basket. From that shop Angel and I walked across to the supermarket while T moved the car. They had moved the whole of the shop around because they were doing work to extend it. The toilets moving especially pressed my buttons but I went in and went down to the furthers corner from the door and we got what we needed. T asked me if I wanted to eat in the cafe but I was a little to unsure and id surprised myself with how well I did and I didnt want to ruin that achievement.

Going out had actually caused me to have an apetite for the first time in days and I had a toffee sundae followed by a bagel for lunch. Angel actually had a sleep today surprisingly and I got some much needed writing done and more importantly, enjoyed it.

I had an odd panic attack after dinner. The type I used to have as a child where I was more scared of getting told off for not eating than I was of forcing myself to eat and accidentally making myself ill once I was out of sight. I was more scared of her telling me off or even worse, me getting ill at the table and making mess, spreading disgusting germs, being foul and dissapointing etc etc.

I managed to deal with it then once Angel was in bed and I'd had my shower I got back on with writing. However when the smell of fire started up, T and I were convinced it was in the house and rushed around desperately trying to find the source until I heard sirens outside and realised it was next-door.

It was a relief it wasnt us, my fight or flight had been fired up and I was ready to fight to save my daughter and my animals no matter what. I shook for a while and insisted on staying outside to watch the engines and persuade myself we really are okay. Now they've just left and I have a large amount of glass to clear up first thing in the morning and I have Angel alone all day tomorrow, Tues and Weds. Thursday I need to go to the dentist to have a filling and hopefully Friday will be calm.

I'm panicking about the dentist so I'd better try to get some sleep before it gets out of hand.

British

I've just gotten into bed after watching a couple of episodes of Castle and the Olympic opening ceremony. I was in a dark place but a cuddle from T helped and while I watched the programs curled up beside him, I coloured in a picture for a friend. I just needed something simple to do, to keep my mind occupied and away from self-ham thoughts. I didn't expect to enjoy either programs but I did, both Castle and the Olympic opening. It actually made me feel proud to be British, they achieved something amazing, breathtaking and special and for a while at least I was captivated and free from my thoughts.

Until my tooth chipped off and its now sharp and indicates another visit to the dentist. As if I needed anything else to bring me down.

I've just realised the time, i really need to get an early night one night, the way I'm going I'm going to crash, the only thing thats kept me awake until now is a supply of coffee and sugar. Hopefully Ill be able to get up in the morning and the bad dreams and panic attacks stay away.

Today

Today I didn't go out past the street again. It was so hot and again I was having trouble with my blood pressure making me faint. KR came round at half 11 and we sat playing with Angel and chatting. Id felt so depressed before he arrived and I wad very grateful for him coming,because be cheered me up a lot.
It struck me while we were playing how much I actually trust him, how easy he is to be with. He is so good with Angel its adorable and Angel has given him a nickname 'Cardi' not sure why, but its cute and he seems to like it. He is so caring and gentle with her, and hes fun too. He completely took my mind off my depression which is very hard to do when I'm in that state. And apart from accidentally making me bang my head off the floor, I had a lovely day and I ate in front of him fine. Be hugged Angel and me goodbye,surpriseing me, by twirling me round.
My depression is back now. Poor T is suffering with his knees being very painful again so he's very caught up on that. It's date night tonight, the only 3 hours I get off a week,but I doubt we will do much.

No idea what our plans are for tomorrow. My dad and sister will most likely be coming round in the afternoon and we need to get some shopping. But everything depends on the weather and me.

I feel so down and empty that its upsetting my tummy which makes ne feel worse. It's a crappy cycle to be in.

Working my ass off with nothing to show for it

Tonight I'm feeling low.

I've spent the last week, working at every available moment to get my writing done, to get cards made, to get my trailer done, illustrations drawn and tonight I feel like it's all for nothing. I spend all day making notes while I look after and play with Angel, cook food and clean the house, then as soon as Angel is in bed and the housework is complete, my work day begins. I've been working from half 6 until half 1 every night and then going to bed but being unable to shut off. I have now finished my trailer and I have a group of poems ready to be edited and published, but I can't help but think that maybe I'm putting in all hard work for no reason.

I am nothing, I came from nothing and I was taught that I would be a wife, a mum, a prostitute to my husband and a cleaner. I didn't get an education properly because I never aspired to be anything other than what I was told I would be. Everything I know is self-taught and nothing was ever encouraged, but still the wild untamed part of me craved more, more knowledge and ability. Dreamed a future for my family that I can never achieve in reality. It goes against everything I am. I was bred to be all the things I was told I would be, I shouldn't aspire to be more, I shouldn't enjoy being what I am, not enjoy the time with my family but just put up with it. I am a shadow here for everyone else without any pleasure for myself, that would be wrong. I can't help but think, what the hell am I doing?

I should have been putting more effort into the house, putting more time into my daughter and my husband. I should have been forcing myself to go out and do more, be the mum I should be.

I'm not good enough to be anything I want to be, so why keep fighting to be something I can't be?

Barely any successes

Apparently I havnt entered my long awaited manic phase afterall.
This week I've barely been out. Ive been to the post box Monday briefly, stayed in all of Tuesday. Yesterday we popped to a nearby shop to get some new clothes and today was a short walk to the post box and little park, everytime with T. The hot weather has made my blood pressure mixed up and served as a brilliant excuse for failure.

My eating has also taken a down turn and I'm feeling hungry but I'm not able to of to scared to eat. Im too scared to even eat a yogurt because of what I imagine it to look like in my tummy. It's a slippery downhill slope and I'm at the top ready to fall again.

Seven Things About Me Award

Thank you so much for Lucy for nominating me, I've never been nominated for anything before. Unfortunately I don't know anyone else's blog that I can share without revealing who I am to them so I can only nominate Lucy's blog back. 


I will still do the 7 things though, hmmmm, here I go.....


1, I love knitting, I love experimenting with making knitted toys and I have over 50 balls of wool in all sorts of colours and styles. 


2, This one is hard to admit... I haven't had contact with my mum for a year an a half now, and despite my guilt and everything else, It's been the best year of my life. Its been the year that I have accomplished the most both mentally and in my career and my day to day life. 


3, I only had one other proper boyfriend before I met my now husband. I met him online on a dating site and we have been more or less inseparable for the past  years since our very first date which was a picnic where I was too panicky to eat or drink anything and talked his head off the whole time. 


4, My favorite author is Christine Feehan and she is the only author that I can read now that I write my own novels. My favorite series of hers is the 'Dark, Carpathian' series. 


5, When I sing, I sound like Amy Lee from Evanescense but I'm too afraid to let anyone hear me anymore and although I will sing to my daughter, I won't sing in front of T, my husband. I have made him a few recordings and he has walked in on my singing a few times but that is all. 


6, My goal in life was to become a wife and mother, an author and artist and I have achieved all of that. My new goal is now to earn enough money doing what I enjoy for T to be able to leave work permanently and for us to live near the cost in Norfolk. 


7, Lastly I have over 10 pets, including 5 cats, 2 guinea-pigs, a rabbit, a gerbil, several aquariums of fish and shrimp and currently some caterpillars. I used to foster kittens and the most amount of animals that have been living in the house at one time was over 20. 


There we go seven random things about me that most people won't know. Hopefully I haven't given too much away which will mean certain people can identify me, if they thought to look. 


Now I'm going to get on with some work, but once again thank you to Lucy and I regret I have no one else to nominate. 

PTSD Triggered

I have been majorly triggered with my PTSD which I have from the pregnancy ad birth of Angel. I'm sitting forcing myself to write this because what I really want to do is dissociate and shut off to not have to deal with it. Unfortunately the trigger is still active and it won't be going any time soon.

When I was pregnant and enduring the nausea 24/7, the chip shop next door opened up and the smell was very nauseating and made me feel much worse. Thankfully it was winter and having the windows and doors shut helped, I just had to avoid going out when the smell was there; everyday from half ten in the morning until half ten at night, except Sundays when thankfully they didn't open. Getting to the car to go out was like getting through a mine field of smell and it made me feel so bad that usually I would end up back in the house feeling ill and panicky. The nausea stopped being 24/7 but it was still there through the summer months even, before I had her and the smell got worse with the heat. So today with all the windows and doors open and that same smell wafting in and filling up the house, its finally won and I've turned into a wreck and I can't deal with it any more. I feel like I'm going to pass out and I'm fighting to keep my dinner where it should be which is triggering me more. I feel like I'm trapped but I'm in my own home. I can't not have the windows open and the only fan we have is in Angel's room and would only help waft the smell around more anyway.

I have lit a load of scented candles and closed the window as much as the weather will allow but I still can't stop smelling it and I can taste it too, like that greasiness is inside me.

The day I gave birth to Angel smelled the exact same and was hot although very wet. Right now I don't think it would be a good idea to go into the birth story, I know I probably would pass out or just dissociate for the night. The best thing I can do is to try to focus on anything else, keep cool and treat the effects of the panic as they come.

Naughty girl

I've been a naughty girl and not been blogging. I've wanted to but I've been so caught up in my latest project and up until today; my depression that I haven't made time and by the time I think, right blog time, its too late and I'm half asleep. 

I managed to do what I wanted to do on Friday and take Angel out for the morning. After a short walk to the post box and 3/4 lorazapam I convinced myself that I would be okay to walk the over half hour walk to the shopping park to get some things for Angel. We walked up there together and I was feeling edgy but not quite panicky. When we got to the shops, my womanly urge of shopping took over and I really began enjoying myself. We got what we needed and what we didn't and we all had fun. I was in a good mood and was happy. When we stopped at K's house to drop them off and pick up the hoodie I left there, I realised that I had lost my HIM hoodie that I'd been wearing and had to take on and off several times during the morning. I was starting to feel upset about it but tried to convince myself that I'd put it into one of the bags hanging on the stroller, even though I knew I hadn't. We got home and while Angel finished hers and my lunch I looked through the bags but couldn't find my beloved hoodie. Over the afternoon, I cried lots about it, as stupid as it sounds, I hadn't realised what a big comfort it was to me and it was so upsetting that it was gone. I'd eaten too much to allow myself to be able to go back out and look for it and I was heartbroken. Angel didn't want a sleep so I set about starting to strip the woodchip off the hall walls, just for something to do. Angel helped me and played and then when it got to about three I decided that we would go out the front and play in the nice weather. When we got outside I decided to go and have a look see if I could see my hoodie down the road the way we had come home, in case I'd dropped it on the way back from K's. I couldn't see it and despite having eaten and not having any safety like a drink or snacks or meds, I kept walking. Kept going with Angel, just watching ahead and trying to spot it. Every time I thought I'll just look that far, I kept going and the panic stayed away, it was like I was possessed, and it was so warm that I was glad that Angel brought a drink with her. I kept going all the way to the canal and where I had taken a call from T so had been distracted, it was in the gutter. I almost ran to it and cried like a baby. I know that if it hadn't have been there then I probably would have kept going. I carried it home and then popped it into the wash once I'd finished holding it and crying. I can't wait for it to be dry so I can fix the sleeve and have it back again. 


That evening I was in a good mood until T was late home because he was helping people at work that he didn't 'need' to help, instead of coming home for the set dinner time we have. It felt like those people come first and I was triggered. I decided that I didn't want to do date night and T was tired and not in such a good mood anyway. I took myself into the bathroom with my hair dye, to dip dye my hair, my bath bomb and my face mask. I didn't think I would get through the bath without using my hidden blade and I was right. I on't go into detail because I suspect it isn't good for me or my readers. In the end we went to bed early and talked for a while before sleep. 

Saturday morning, I was hoping to be in a better mood, especially after talking and the harming too. However mother nature struck which meant I was in a lot of pain, and felt more ugly than usual, so T took Angel shopping and I stayed home and managed to get some of my writing done. I was in a crappy mood by the time we got to the afternoon and I can't even remember why now, all I know is that I ended up using a blade yet again, barely a scratch this time even though I wanted to do much more. 


My sister came round in the evening as she was sleeping over and I ended up having to try and force myself to get out of my crappy mood for all of our sakes. I felt more like arguing than being nice but cuddles with Angel then when she'd gone to bed; a movie night with my drawing my heart out for my project was exactly what I needed. I had a very late night too which was nice for a change. 

This morning we all ended up getting up and ready veeeerrryyyy sllooooowly and by the time we went out, it was gone eleven and we needed to be back for twelve for lunch because we had set a roast off cooking. We went to a nearby HUGE craft store and I brought some more pens for my drawing, some stamps and a bargin buy of HUNDREDS OF BUTTONS!!!! .... I like buttons. I took my confidence a step further and took no meds to go out on, which is a huge thing for me travelling with someone else in the car with us, especially my sister. That's like a big no no in the rules of me. I also wore a dress which takes a lot of confidence for me too. I was okay, I looked around, stayed relaxed and got exactly what I wanted. I felt a little panicky on the way home, but I knew that a large part of that was hunger. 


The roast lunch was an interesting experience, I set the dining table up for us all to sit around and we started eating. I wolfed my food down because apparently I'd been starved all morning (I hadn't but my tummy thought I had), Angel ate okay and is definitely a girl after my own heart, she looves Yorkshire puddings. T ate normally but P had a panic attack and had to go outside and calm down. I gave her some aconite and her phone and a drink of cold water and she recovered a while after. I have to admit it felt very weird for it to be P having the panic and not me! I felt guilty that it was her, like it was my fault because I was okay. 


T wasn't feeling great this afternoon so P and I took Angel outside to play with her friend and then P and Angel played in Angel's den while I did the housework so T wouldn't have to even think about doing it. I made dinner and then we played before Angel went to bed. I've spent this evening working on my project again and I'm ashamed to say that if I hadn't been so wrapped up in my work and forgotten to take my meds until late then I wouldn't have insomnia and I wouldn't be writing this probably. 


I'm thinking that I may have come out of the depressive phase now and I'm entering the manic phase even though it is numbed by the meds somewhat. Hopefully this week will be a better one. 

Our anniversary and the dentist.

Yesterday was our anniversary of our summer wedding, unfortunately it wasn't the best of days.

T had to go to the hospital first thing for a test and he come home after but was due to go out in the afternoon again. While he was home we all went for a walk up to the post box, through the little park and to the big park to feed the ducks, I wasnt on any lorazapam, only aconite. I knew that had I been alone I might nor have even got out if the door let alone to the big park. If anyone spots my independence hiding anywhere, please send it back to me.

On a more serious note, I was more depressed and stressed than id realised and I wasn't enjoying being out as much as I should. I wasn't even keen on taking or having T touch me.

I faught to Urge to shout lots at Angel who was also in not the best of moods and I had to fight not to hurt myself. In the end after trying everything I could to settle down,  I broke down and told T how bad I was and he decided to cancel his meetings. It was a good thing, I was in such a horrible mood and Angels didn't improve especially with her refusing to have a nap.

In the early evening one of my friends was having a crisis and I pushed aside the fact that I'd eaten non safe food for lunch to go out in the car with T and look for her. We found her and although she was very very low, I felt comfortable she was safe enough from herself. I continued to try and help and support best I could over text and later phone.

Today T and I had the dentist first thing and we dropped Angel off with K. I for some reason didn't actually take any lorazapam until we got to K's and even then it was a quarter.
When we got to the dentist I didn't thinking could go in. I had the rumblies and it was making me more panicky. T want in alone and I know how scared and disliking he is of the dentist. I beat myself up internally, cursing myself for being so calm and okay and then suddenly uselss. I took out one of the knifes from ny bag and used it on my wrist, just faintly. I was so angry and disappointed in myself and my stupid inability to go do normal things. In the end watching an argument helped me calm down, odd I know. I then forced myself inside and met T. We went in not long after that and T went in the chair first. It was established that he needed a filling tks replace one that was crumbling and he would need numbing stuff. He decided not to have it done then and I lay in the seat. I was extremely panicky but dug my nails in and made myself stay and cope. He told me I was okay. And I was immediately suspicious, no dentist has even said that to me before. I still now keep thinking he must be wrong.
After my check T decided to go through with the filling there and then and I was amazed by his bravery, I could see he was terrified. He lay down and had the numbing done. And I felt a little faint but I watched, not the dentist but T for signs of pain or distress, that he might need me to hold his hand. It was horrible to watch him go through pain. We sat out in the waiting area while he numbed then we went back in and once again I watched. I made myself watch what they did. To prove to myself it wasn't the end of the world. Towards the end I could see T grasping the chair and making sounds of pain so regardless of the drill etc I jumped up and went to him, held his hand and reassured him through his fear and pain. I felt a little more connected to him, being able to be there for him, like a wife should be.

When we picked up Angel she was very upset but lots of mummy and daddy cuddled helped then we went up to the big supermarket to Oucj up my prescription and get lunch. Still on only half a lorazapam and with no panic.

This afternoon although u should have been feeling proud and happy, I found I still felt down and depressed and had to keep fighting self-harming urges. Angel has continued to be a moody child all day and I'm dreading tomorrow when I have her on my own all day. I'm just hoping she isn't behaving the same as she has been.
Id like to do something nice with get tomorrow but I'm unconvinced that I will have the courage to do anything.

A few things from the last few days

Monday (yesterday) it was a wet and manky day outside but I wanted to at least walk to the post box. I took the bread with me in case we were going to go further to feed the ducks and I got Angel into her waterproof suit. I dug out my wine coloured coat which is a little fitted and makes me feel a bit more attractive and I braved the horrible weather. I was feeling very on edge and a little ill because the nausea inducing heartburn from the night before was back, not as bad and not with the hiccups but it was there. I'm surprised I went out at all with it to be honest. From the post box, Angel told me she wanted to feed the ducks but it was very wet and I knew I wasn't up to that so I suggested to her that we go see K and Phia for a short visit. 


When we arrived I was quite nervous but I kept thinking that if I did feel ill that K wouldn't think that I'm disgusting or recoil from me. I realized part way through the visit that I wasn't only panicky and feeling a bit iffy, I was also in a bad mood. Its rare for me to go into a bad mood for no reason but I was. We stayed about 45 mins they we headed home to start sorting lunch out. 


Thankfully Angel had a nap in the afternoon which gave me some time to myself and by the time she woke up T was back home from work. I could feel myself falling towards depression but I kept myself as busy as I could. 


I was feeling ill again in the evening with my tummy and K was going to come over for a while. I talked to her and decided that I felt comfortable with her coming over despite how I was feeling. I managed to keep myself from feeling too bad and by the time she went home I was okay again, until I went to bed then it all came back and I had a lot of disturbed dreams. 


***


Today I haven't been out. I was still feeling iffy when I woke up this morning but KR was due to come over so I just have to deal with it, I couldn't let him down again. I was feeling quite bad and when he got here the feeling got worse and I began to panic so I ended up taking a quarter of a lorazapam to help and text K which also helped me. We played with Angel and while I was making her lunch I hid in the kitchen and ate mine, or forced myself to eat for my blood sugars sake. Then when Angel went to have her nap, KR and I watched a zombie movie for research for my next book and we laughed at how silly the people were and I had a coffee and some biscuits in front of KR. When the movie finished we sat on the sofa and just chatted about all sorts and he helped me with some ideas for my next novel. By the time I got Angel up I was feeling very positive and excited about some new project ideas. 


Tomorrow T is out all day again and it is our anniversary of our summer wedding. We were planning to do something in the evening but I doubt we will now. 
I need to try to get out if only up to the post box, so I'm hoping this heartburn, sickly feeling will pass overnight and leave me free from it tomorrow. 

Sunday town centre

This morning when I got up knowing we were aiming to be going to town, I didn't mess about, I just took a whole lorazapam and some aconite. However I think a whole one may have been a little over kill in someways. I had some breakfast and then got our wires crossed. We didn't want to text K and A and wake them up if they were having a lie in and we were ready to go, so we got in the car to save T's knees and we drove to the town center. I was feeling on edge and not believing that I could actually do it but I wasn't having a panic attack. We had only been in town for a few mins when I started to feel light-headed and confused. My hands started shaking and T made me sit down and take my blood reading. I was too confused to understand the reading properly but T basically told me that my blood sugar had dropped very low, despite eating breakfast and drinking on the way,  and that I needed to get some glucose tablets into me, some sugary drinks and some crisps for carbs. I felt very odd and floaty but in a bad way, like on the verge of panic but not capable of it. K and A met up with us and K suggested we go into a small quiet shop and look around while I sucked a lolly, nibbled crisps and sipped my drink. It worked, by the time we came out of there I was feeling much better and I continued to sip my drink regularly. I got very edgy when it was time to get Phia and Angel some lunch, just the smell of the food was setting off my panic, but somehow I held it at bay and continued on. We brought some lovely things while we were out and I'm looking forward to sitting down and doing some coloring and new design cards with my new pattern pads. K and A went out of town before us, preferring not to go into the big shop that we needed to go into to find clothes for Angel and me, so we gave them the keys for our house and they went back there to wait for us to bring lunch back. 


I was dreading the big shop myself, and it was very busy but I went inside and went and got the jeans I wanted, I actually took the time to browse and actually get the ones that I wanted. From there I went up a floor and gathered some nice underwear then went to the top of the shop to meet up with T and see what clothes he'd chosen for a bored Angel. He as usual had chosen some wonderful things (he has great taste in clothes!!) He went to pay but the queue was massive so I offered to take Angel and walk around the shop with her as she was feeling tired. When she got even more bored of up there, I decided to go down in the lift and then outside where it was less busy and cooler. 


We decided that T would go off and get the food and I would go back to the car and sort out our bags and things and get the pram put down and Angel in her seat, ready to go home. Our timing was perfect and we were on the road not long after.


When we got back, I didn't hesitate about eating. I didn't even think about it. I sat beside K watching the girls play on the floor and ate a whole chicken pasty and half a pizza. I felt overly full afterwards but, I wasn't panicky or self-conscious. Pizza also isn't a safe colour to have eaten with the tomato sauce. 


K and A went home about an hour later and we settled Angel down for her nap. Phia had a good nap too, I think we wore them both out. 


This evening I got a little job to do; to fix some elastic into some ballet shoes for a friends friend. I'd never met the woman before but even though I'd had dinner and she was a stranger, I didn't panic. I didn't still have any lorazapam in my system but I was calm and fine, no panic, just focused on the job then chatting. Both T and K were checking I was okay afterwards but whereas usually I'd be a nervous wreck I wasn't phased in the least. 


Last thing now before I go to bed...again. I've already gone to bed once, but I ended up having to get up and come back downstairs again due to some vicious heartburn which turned into heartburn hiccups and it was so bad and painful it was making me heave. 
I didn't want to risk sitting too far away from the bathroom with the heaving, so I went into the bathroom, turned the light off and sat down on the toilet lid with my head resting against the cold sink. A few times I felt like I would be, but I was so confused, I was calm and there was no panic. I don't understand. Usually any chance of being ill or not and I'm triggered to hell and panic like mad. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I wasn't panicking and scratching myself either. I had a 'normal' reaction to thinking I might get ill. My FIRST normal reaction to it, in my life. 


I really hope the heartburn will stay at bay now, I'm so tired and I have Angel all day on my own tomorrow with T working hours away. 

Will I finally get to town

Yesterday morning we needed to go grocery shopping for the week. Once we were ready we head over to fl outdoors first to do an exchange. we were going to go to the big sainsburys which is near there,but I said is rather go to Tesco because that's what I'd set myself up mentally to do.when we got there we manage to get a good parking space near the middle doors. I really wasn't sure if I was up to going in there, so I decided to take it 1 step at a time. I was nervous at first and throughout most of the shop. But I stayed In there and faught it and bridged.
The hardest part was when I gave my prescription in, it got so busy and I felt trapped right at the back of the shop in the crowds.

I don't know how I did it and on no meds but I stayed and faught hard.

Once we'd payed, T took the shopping to the car while Angel and I walked up to another shop to find some things. We then head home via fast food place to get lunch.

In the afternoon my daddy and my sister came over, it was P's birthday so we gave her her pressies and we chatted then K, A and Phia came over for dinner and I felt more relaxed than last time and ate a lot more. I think its going to be a practise thing.

Last night before sleep a lot of my memories and forgotten things about the ward cane back to me and left me in s low way. I ended up playing games till late to distract my mind.

This morning T, Angel and I are planning to go to town for a few hours. I've take a lorazapam and I think it'd taken effect.

I'm terrified of doing this but I've wanted to go to town for weeks now. Maybe even month. I'm just worried about T's knees too.

Helping

Wednesday the network that me and those closest to me are on, went down..it was very frustrating and very worrying when T had to go out to work yesterday morning and I had no way of contacting him. My goal was to walk up to the post box to post the Dvd back that we'd watched Wednesday afternoon. I had the lack of communication against me which would have been a good excuse not to go and I also realised after testing that my blood pressure was down and my blood sugar too. So I did something I've never done before, because of having things in my mouth = panic, I sucked a Lolly as I walked along. Just the sweet taste had me feeling a bit edgy but the alternative was not go out or go and and faint. I forced myself to keep going and we posted the CD and did a small loop back home. I wasn't up for being out long or much pushing but I did consider going to visit K. Good thing I didn't, they were out anyway. 

We came home and sat outside for a while then decided to go play in the sandpit and I did a little gardening. 


~ This part of the blog isn't all about me and I'm not going to go into to much detail for her sake. ~

When we got back inside K text me to say she'd had to get a taxi home because she was having a huge panic. She asked me if I could go over and although id not long eaten 'non-safe' food, I put the Dvd on pause, grabbed my bag and Angel and I rushed to her house. By the time I got there I was panicky myself but I took half a lorazapam with my shaking hands and focused on K and making her feel better, being the support she needed. 
After much cuddling, distraction and reassurance oh and meds, she began to calm down and feel a little better. My panic had gone and I felt settled. After a while, I had to get Angel home and give her her lunch so we said goodbye and left a much calmer K and her family. 


One things I did do yesterday that I probably shouldn't have was cancel my blood test. Typical that I cancelled it yesterday and today I'm feeling extra tired, drinking lots, and having blood sugar problems. I'm going to do a blood test tomorrow morning to work out if I need another one or not. 


Anyway back to yesterday, in the evening K had another big panic and I spoke to her by text to begin with then over the phone, just rambling on about any and everything to keep her mind busy. She was beginning to calm by the end of it and I was just very very pleased I could help her out.


I was going to write my blog last night before bed, but I fell asleep writing it so here I am now, even later than last night and feeling like I might fall asleep on it again. 


Today I took an anti dizzy tablet and half a lorazapam to ensure that I would be able to go out okay. K and A came round with Phia first thing and then T went out and I got my panic and blood sugar in order and walked up to the post box to post an important letter for a friend. I then walked with K and A down to the corner of the road then decided that I felt okay enough to try walking up to the doctors to get the prescription that I needed to pick up.


I managed to keep myself calm, and nibbled crisps along the way, up to the docs and fortunately there wasn't anyone in the queue to speak to the receptionist so I went straight up and got it then came out again. I thought about going into the chemist next door to get the meds but decided that I'd done challenge enough and I'd get them tomorrow when we got to the supermarket shopping. 


By the time I got home, I was feeling absolutely exhausted and I fell asleep a few times while Angel was having her lunch, that was after having some lucozade. When Angel got out of her highchair and she seemed tired enough I put her in her cot and went to bed myself. I never do that kinda thing but I was so tired, I couldn't focus of think or see straight. I put it down to mixing the lorazapam and anti dizzy and then having hot food for lunch. Hopefully it isn't a sign of full blown diabetes. Starting to poo myself in fear about it all now again. Thinking I should have just had the test done today. 


This evening another of my friends was having a rough time and I gave her text support to help her out and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it helped. 


I need to go to bed now before I sleep sitting up. I'm so exhausted my eyes are burning. 


Tomorrow we need to go food shopping in the morning and then in the afternoon, my sister and daddy are coming over and it's my sister's birthday so we have pressies and cards for her. 


Night for now 

Changing the way I think

This morning I got up and after the suggestion from T, I put on my confidence clothes; my skinny jeans and my denim and pink shoes.
I had a light breakfast of biscuits and coffee and got the bags ready.
I was scared of going out but not as fearful as yesterday. I didn't take any lorazapam, I'm not sure why.

We got in the car and T took the wrong turning so I asked if we could go somewhere else first. I got out the car when we were just in the carpark and I walked around a shop on my own looking for the materials for a new project. I then walked down to boots where T and Angel were looking around, and met up with them. The shop didn't have what we wanted so T suggested that we walk a distance down the row of shops to the mothercare to check there. I was nervous walking down there but kept focussed and looked around. We found some reduced things for more of Angels birthday present and I went off on my own to look at the sale part of the shop. Once we'd finally got to the front of the queue and payed I was fecking fine and we walked back all the way to the car. I was starting to feel a bit yacky I think from the need to eat but it felt a little different so I couldn't be sure. I tried to nibble some crisps but I wast feeling much better when we started travelling. I sipped on my drink buy found the cold juice was making my tummy feel worse not better. I've noticed cold things give me a bit of a chill on occasion dir some reason and it makes my tummy upset and grumbly. We stopped at a post office to post a parcel and I got out alone and went in. Typical bad timing meant that when it had been empty a few minutes before, just as I got in there a man walked in in front of me with 2 huge bags of parcels. I ended up having to wait behind him without my bag or my drink,beginning to feel even worse. When I got back in the car I was heading towards being a state but I thought I'd be brave and fight it but it only got worse until my arm was a meds from my nails in my panic and I really thought I was going to be sick. The taste was in my mouth and my breathing changed and my body went all hot, cold and tingly. I kept it at bay until we managed to find somewhere to park and I could distract myself, bring myself back down and get over it. Where I would usually then full into a depression for the rest of the day, I smiled and picked myself up and toad T to carry on driving to the shop we were heading to. I have never done that before but with my new code in place. It wasnt the end of the world and although I knew If I got sick I would have hated every second and it might have knocked me back. It wouldn't have knocked me down perminately. Being sick does not instantly mean death any more. It can't. I love my husband, my daughter and my life too much and its about time I saw that and stopped seeing an escape from life as an option.

We arrived at the HUGE Pc World and T and Angel went in so I could recover in the car from the panic. I had a sing to my happy music and ate some crisps then I decided to at least go into the shop to look at the laptop T was thinking of getting and help him choose them come straight back out. Inside I met T and Angel and it suddenly didn't look so big inside. I looked after Angel and we looked at the big TV screens and had a walk around while T talked to the man about the computers. Then T had to pay and Angel and I sat on a chair together and had some sweeties while we waited. I was totally calm and relaxed and unbothered by how long we were.

The drive home was a lot calmer and it wasnt until the end of the journey they I staryed to feel travel sick. But I kept it back and had some food as soon as we were home.

I made myself have a biggest lunch and now I'm sitting knitting and making pizza while Angel plays.

Zoom *triggering and talk of self-harm and suicide*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ctpei-kWL0U - Zoom, Tokio Hotel 

The only goal I had today was to go up to the postbox to post some letters and get myself going with my going out and my confidence again. It was much much more easier said than done. T was working from home and I dawdled about and hung back and messed around. I felt like I felt ill and in one moment I thought that I would be okay then in the next I was convinced that I would be ill and that would be it. *

I stood outside the door, almost in tears with my intense fear of being sick in public, of not feeling well or panicking and all the people around seeing me, of not being able to cope with it, of having to die. I fought T, shouting in the street almost to convince him that I can't do it anymore. Angel witnessed the whole thing and I couldn't be more ashamed of myself and my childish behavior. In the end T challenged me to walk up to the corner of the road at least and locked the door, stopping my argument. I pushed the stroller and walked. I dug my nails into my palms even with my hands around the handles and I tried to focus on anything but the feeling my stomach, anything but the the way I was convinced I was infected and this would be the day. 

We ended up walking around the block, to the post box and the longer but not to long way home but I was already depressed and the fact that I'd done it, didn't change anything for me and I was already looking forward to when everyone would be in bed and I could cut myself, bleed all my pain out. 

I've tried having a long hot shower and some hypnotherapy to help but and usually I would cry until I couldn't anymore, but there were no tears, I felt too empty.

*I think that one of the big problems I've made for myself is my secret suicide pact with myself. That if I get ill, especially if I'm ill out and about then I will take my life. That I can do this because what's the worst that could happen? Death, am I scared of that? Am I scared of taking control and the truth is that I'm less scared of that than being sick. I guess that is what a phobia is though. Every year I make it through I'm surprised I'm still here but with the way I'm thinking, I'm fighting a losing battle. 

What I should be thinking is that if I get sick then I put up with it, and move on. Maybe my mistake is the way that I'm thinking. I'd never even thought of that until now. 

I can't keep living like this, waiting for the day that it all goes wrong and I have to leave my husband and my little girl. The day that I have to kiss them goodbye for good and leave them behind while I let myself drown in my own fears and disgust. 

Backwards

Saturday morning, I took 3/4 of a lorazapam and I guess it must have kicked in because I was confident enough to get into the car. First we went to a shop nearby to get Angel a present that she'd been asking for. I managed to go around the shop okay and keep calm.

Then we drove across town to the big warehouse to get the this we needed. I was quite nervous but kept myself occupied pulling the big heavy trolly along and setting myself little jobs to do, like choosing some sweets and going off and getting little things we needed. By the time we payed and left I was calm and we decided to go across to the resteraunt not far from the warehouse. I was a little edgy but once again I kept calm by setting little tasks and I even managed to eat a reasonable amount. We all enjoyed it and even watching another girl having a panic attack didn't set me off.

I know there was an element of me driving it but I also know a huge chunk of what I did was down to the anazingness of lorazapam.

In the afternoon, my dad came round with his lady friend and I was okay and relaxed.

That evening K came round and I was grateful for her visit in more ways than one. I know she prevented me from self-harming more than I had. I felt better when she left and happier.

~~~~~

Sunday the plan was to go she do some shopping because our delivery the night before had been messed up. I wasn't feeling anywhere near as confident, probably due to no lorazapam in my system but went in the car anyway. I felt okay until we arrived then I started feeling off again and Angel and T went in to shop without me. I did manage to get out of the car and go in the petshop to show Angel the animals while T took back a bulb that wasn't working on the tank.

~~~~~

Today I woke up still feeling unwell but had too much to do to let it stop me. I did all the housework and completely Tidied and changed the living room to make it better for us and Angel. By the time I even thought about going out, it was half past 11 and time to start making lunch. I guess if is really been driven to go out I would have made time to.

In the last few weeks my mental health has started to slip again. It feels like its one thing after another and I'm fighting a losing battle. I don't want to lose but for now I'm out of fight.

Speaking of fights, tonight one broke out outside our house between a couple of drunks. It was loud and messy and one of my neighbours P came out to try to break it up. The bravery! Wow. Her daughter had followed her out into the street though and was shaking and scared and far to close. I didn't hesitate, I opened my door and picked up the little girl, reassuring her that her and her mummy would be okay. I was worried that P might get hurt because one is the fighters was very up close and abusive to her, but without being violent at all she stood up to him. I stood shaking more than the child I was holding, but ready to stand in the way of her if I needed to. Thankfully Angel was in bed when it all started so she was safe. T called thr police when he came out to find out what was going on and they arrived soon after. The men were so stupidly drunk, one of them was walking around with his belongings in a plastic bag. He was the one who'd threatened P and her little girl and been most drunk and violent. When he came back into the road a bit later, trying to start a fight with T, I noticed him carrying paperwork. Unfortunately in his drunken state he dropped some and when I was putting some rubbish out later I found it. It was an NHS card which he needed for the hostel he's staying in etc. It had an accident and found its way in pieces to my bin. Mess with my people and I mess with you. I don't think I could have said it better unless I peed in the street to mark my territory. Yea I'm a petty bitch and no I don't care, only those I care about matter. Not drunken fucktards that drink and litter, fight and pee in my street. It's only a pity they didn't get ran over.

*sigh* rant over.

So yes, onto tomorrow, I need to try to make myself go out but I'm absolutely terrified. I feel like I've taken at least one step back again. KR was supposed to be coming round last week and now wants to this week but Im terrified I will feel or worse be ill when he's here so I keep making excuses and putting it off. I'm a shitty friend.

I need to try to sleep now.

Wonder when my next wake-up call will come, not that I should need one.

Decisions

This morning we need to go out to get some car litter and a few other things. We go over to a cash and carry/warehouse place to do that. It's over the other side of the city near where my mum lives. Regardless that it's a place I panic in, I'm still not doing as well as I could be. I still don't know if I will snap back and carry on where I left off or whether it will be a steep climb back to there. I'm back to being terrified of going out. It could happen at any time. I could go out feeling fine and it could come on. Everything had changed my old method of saying to myself how do I feel now? 'If I'm fine then I'm okay to to out, concentrate on this moment' feels invalid. It's not the moment that will ruin me, its the future.

So I'm left with what do I do? Go out today or not? Fight or wait and see where I stand, or just lay down and go back to how I used to be. Watch everyone walk away from me because I can't walk with them?

Limbo

It's been days since I last blogged and there has been a mixture of things happening, some good but mostly bad.

Wednesday morning after my last entry I had planned to be going to the post office with K, A and Phia. They arrived on time but I was feeling a little out if it. I'd had breakfast so I didn't think much on it. Until the shakes started. I couldn't stop shaking all over, my vision got blurry, I was weak, dizzy, and drowsy, and scarest of all; I was confused. I knew it was my blood sugar and had an energy sweet and some crisps but it didn't improve, it only got worse. I couldn't find my blood testing kit and then when I did it wasn't working. K rushed out to get me some new year strips and made sure I had sugar and carbs. I was starting to feel better again and K took Angel to their house and sent my parcel and letters. I ended up out of it for most of the day.

Thursday, (yesterday), the day started off a lot better. K, A and Phia came to pick up some pages id printed out and asked if id like to walk up to the post office with them. I was feeling panicky but decided I would, suprising myself. I felt quite panicked all the way there and kept thinking of turning back but K was chatting away to me and kept me distracted enough to cope. The worst panic attack was in the post office but I stayed and waited it out, knowing that as soon as we were walking back again id be okay and start to calm down again. I did calm down on the way back and although they offered to come to mine I decided that I'd had enough if ny house and took a leap od faith in myself and went back to their house. I was fine, no panic, no meds. I ate and drank and the girls played. I thought Phia seemed a little quiet but thought nothing of it. Angel and I then went home for lunch.

Later on K told me that Phia had been sick in the afternoon.  It's odd, sometimes I have no reaction and I'm okay and sometimes I freak out. It wasn't K telling me, it was just the pictures in my head and the fear. I closed down. I just unintentionally shut off. My brain got stuck on a loop, 'im going to get ill' even though K had told us that it wasn't a sickness bug and the sane part of my mind understood that. I took off all my jewellery, all of my fave clothes and went into protection mode. I couldn't talk, I responded to Angel but that was all and while she napped and after she went to bed I just closed off from everyone and everything. I didnt intend to live through the night. T knew and I can only begin to imagine how it must have felt to know that his wife, his soulmate might not be alive when he goes downstairs in the morning. Not knowing whether he would find me dead or alive. I hate that I put  him through that. I hate it and yet I can't promise it wont happen again, if something on TV sets me off thinking or someone says something or I see someone get ill in the street.

I'm not proud of how I treated K either. I just shut off which means I stopped communicating which left hee worrying I'd fallen out with her or it was her fault. I did manage to bring my mind back enough to text her before I Sedated myself and went to sleep but by then the harm was done.

This morning I woke up to a nasty sore throat, cough, headache, Earache, fever, aches and stuff running down my throat. I felt very bad. I'm not feeling as rough now but I know I'm still not well.

Yesterday I was so low and today I was too ill to be anything. Now I don't know. I feel like I could go either way, either carry on where I left off with only a small dent or whether ill keep crashing. I'm stuck in limbo and I'm not sure its even safe to come out.
I just want to apologise to everyone I hurt. I'm sorry.

Bored of the pressure

The title is spot on for how I'm feeling today. I'm bored by the stupid pressure in the air, making me have a headache and making my blood pressure play up. 


I cancelled with KR this morning after much thought, but in hindsight although I managed to take Angel out to the post box, I did nothing else and I could have had him over. However with how lazy I'm feeling right now, I guess that's probably what at least a part of it was down to. 


When I took Angel to the post box, the weather was manky and wet and I had to put her in her full weather suit just to go on a short journey. I'd intended to go to K's on the way back from the post box but I wasn't feeling great with being dizzy and lightheaded, or I convinced myself I wasn't. I think I'm losing touch with what's real and whats in my head. I didn't have the confidence to ask them to come here, so Angel and I had another quiet day, mostly stuck in and beginning to get bored. Angel kept asking me on the walk back home, if we could go see Phia, "Phia pease Mummy," was what she kept saying and it broke my heart that I had to tell her no, and simply because of my own fear of being dizzy or feeling ill. I ended up walking the last stretch in tears and telling her no I couldn't take her, I'm sorry. I did mange to do the post box on no lorazapam and I forgot to take aconite so I was on nothing and had had a small breakfast. I got a little edgy because, despite the nasty weather, everyone and their dog seemed to be out and about. It was really busy and it never usually is. 


Angel is really beginning to get bored of being stuck in and  can't blame her, so am I. I feel like I'm suffocating with the pressure of the weather and the dark suffocating air. I looked at the forecast and it is supposed to be like this until at least Saturday so I need to suck it up and get on with it. Sometimes my weakness is shocking and terribly disappointing. I need to do better for Angel, she deserves better. I need to do this. I feel like I'm falling again. 


I really really wish I could wake up tomorrow with the get-up and go to power me, to make me capable of doing the things I need to get done, of just treating Angel to some time out. 

*********************************************

Oh yes one last thing, this is the song that my mum thinks of when she thinks of me and our relationship. ironically, it's the same song, or one of them that I think of in relation to her too. It's called 'Oceans' by 'Evanescence' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUAcjnqUZzE <-----Youtube link complete with words. (A secret about me that barely anyone knows... I sound like Amy Lee when I sing, but barely anyone has ever heard me sing, even my husband has only heard me on a recording and by accident)

Stuck in **very graphic talk of self-harm, MAJOR TRIGGER***

Today has been spend stuck in the house. I cancelled seeing my friend KR so that we could go out as a family to town or something but when I got up I was feeling very dizzy and my ears were painful and felt swollen. I was so annoyed that I couldn't even walk, I ended up stuck on the sofa while T took Angel out. The weather was drizzly and humid and that made my blood pressure drop which made my blood sugar drop and I ended up having to crawl to go and find food to get them back up because I wasn't able to walk.

I finally started to feel a bit better just before T and Angel come home, but by which time my tummy was starting to feel iffy again like it was yesterday. It just felt very sensitive and unhappy and rumbly but at the same time not keen on eating. It's carried on feeling sensitive all day and I've barely eaten anything as a result, only my biscuits and small cup of coffee for breakfast, two chicken nuggets for lunch and a few fries and for dinner one nugget and a little milkshake to try and settle my tummy. Now I'm trying to nibble a few biscuits while I write because I need to take my first lot of meds and I can't do that on an empty tummy otherwise it will be worse.

My tummy being sensitive and a few other things like breasts getting bigger, weight gain, sensitive to smells, dizzy, etc is pressing major buttons with my PTSD about being pregnant, I know it's not possible but I can't stop panicking about it anyway.

I rearranged KR to come round tomorrow instead but with how bad I've been feeling today I'm not at all convinced that I want him round tomorrow with me being on my own all day, I would much rather be alone with Angel and have the choice whether to go out or not. If KR comes round then we will be stuck in all day because he can't walk yet. It sounds awful and selfish but I would prefer to have my options open. I just know he's going to hate me letting him down, I'm so good at letting people down, that's why they leave me.
I'm putting off telling him that I'm not very well. Thinking I might feel better but having nearly fallen down the stairs with my dizziness not long ago and having to take another tablet to sort me out, I'm not sure I want loads of panic attacks too. 


I've been thinking about my mum quite a bit today, about how it would feel to be banned from seeing Angel when she's older, about how it would feel to be banned from seeing my granddaughter. About how I'm hurting her everyday. I'm in denial about everything today to do with her, but at the same time, I'm terrified of her. All she did was bring me up and loo after me and be my mum, that's what I'm trying to do for Angel. And when I get onto her account and look at everything she never talks about me on there, never even bitches or moans about me, I need to see that, I need to see that I'm bad for hurting her. 


I'm really battling with myself right now, with what I should do, for me and for other people. 
I'm even struggling to get how I feel down in words at the moment, so I think I'm going to go and have a shower and a think then carry on. I had lots I wanted to write about but all I want to do now is cry. My mood has been up and down like a flaming roller coaster the last few days and I'm just so tired and worn out by the changes all the time, and fighting the urges to self-harm.

This blog was made so I could be honest and vent and right now I need to be honest about something, something that I'm not ready to tell T about. When I used to self-harm years ago and it was one of the only things I lived for, one of the only things I enjoyed, I used to have a set of blades that I brought and kept especially for that purpose. About a year ago I brought another set, I'd like to say I brought them for the purpose they were intended for but I didn't. I've barely used them apart from my craft work, but I do keep one special one. When I was in the self-harm state at my parents house I used to get up in the morning and go in the shower where I stored some of my blades under my bottles of shampoo and body wash which no one else touched. I used to hurt myself in there, I liked to watch the blood leave me and flow away with the water. I could get deeper and still see what I was doing and it stung far more. At one point during the time me and T have been together I tried it here but he found the blade and removed it. Now I have come up with a new place to hide it. A place no one will look. I haven't used it yet and I ope I'm not going to, I don't have the urge right now, but the way my moods have been going, one minute I'm happy and have no urges and the next I'm so low I start pushing people away and considering killing myself.

I think that being stuck in Friday, yesterday and now today is pressing buttons with me too. I feel like I'm missing out and I'm incapable of going out and doing things. I did walk to the post box this afternoon, but I was alone and although I'd nibbled food, I hadn't had much. I didn't really panic even though it was the time everyone comes out of school so it was busy everywhere. There was a time that I couldn't even contemplate doing that without panic, so I'm grateful for being able to for once and I would really like to go out tomorrow.

For now while my mind is going in circles, I'm going to go and have a shower and try to prepare myself for having Angel on my own while T works tomorrow and work out whether to go ahead with KR or not. I know what I'm swaying towards.

A night from hell, *lots of swearing*

I knew yesterday was too good to be true, last night turned into a total nightmare. 


I went in the shower and then T and I chatted about some things witch have been bothering me in regard to me doing better and what that means for who I am, and what it means for our relationship, as well as not understanding who I'm changing into. A lot of tears and confusion and hurt. A few things had triggered me and these thoughts and when I worked out what it was I told T. 


After our talk I was feeling a little better and went to sit down to get on with some work when beside me, T's work phone started going off. He was called into work and went within the hour. I was thoroughly pissed off, not only did that mean I was in charge of Angel when I have to take my meds which knock me out, but also she's not been sleeping well and we'd planned to go to town today which for once I was really looking forward to. 


He wasn't sure how long he would be out but I knew that if it was bad enough to need to call him in, then he would be in a long time. I tried to get on with some writing but I got to tired to do anything and went to bed. 
Angel had already been crying a few times before I went to bed but I didn't think much of it, only really hoped she'd sleep because I knew I would need all the energy I could get for today, for looking after her, T, the animals, the house, self-harming urges, and oh yeah; myself. (Can you tell I'm feeling bitter and pissed off yet?)


She was basically more awake and crying during the night than sleeping and T didn't get home until even later than I'd expected; it was half past 6, by which time Angel had been awake since half four, and awake on and off more on than off before that. For the time I did manage to dose sitting up I had horrible nightmares about going to a friends house and bad things happening, being rejected etc. 


T went to bed as soon as he got in and I got up and took Angel downstairs, feeling like I was the walking dead. We played and had breakfast which she didn't really eat, got dressed, did our hair and teeth and washed and then played some more. I tidied up her toys and cleared some she doesn't play with out, I made her bottles for tomorrow, cleaned the kitchen and generally tidied and cleaned round. Part way through the morning my stupid blood sugar dropped because I forgot to eat and I ended up sitting down shaking and unable to get up until I'd had a snack and some sugar and let it settle. Then I was dizzy and then it was time to make lunch. Angel actually ate her lunch and all morning I couldn't pick 1 fault with her. She really was an Angel. 


T got up just before Angel went for her nap and he is now having a shower and waking up. 


I'm trying not to be pissed off but I can't help it. I was looking forward to going out to town today and instead Angel and I have been stuck in the house all day bored. He said to me, "We can go to town tomorrow (Monday), but I'v already arranged for a friend to come round. I haven't told T yet but I'm going to cancel, I'm not in the mood to pretend I'm happy and okay and I would for that friend. The fact is that T could well be and probably will be called back in again tonight for the night. Another fucked up shitty night for me and then tomorrow another hard day looking after everything as well as keeping up with the backlog of my work and this crappy mood. Kill me now, I'm fucking tired.