This morning we need to go out to get some car litter and a few other things. We go over to a cash and carry/warehouse place to do that. It's over the other side of the city near where my mum lives. Regardless that it's a place I panic in, I'm still not doing as well as I could be. I still don't know if I will snap back and carry on where I left off or whether it will be a steep climb back to there. I'm back to being terrified of going out. It could happen at any time. I could go out feeling fine and it could come on. Everything had changed my old method of saying to myself how do I feel now? 'If I'm fine then I'm okay to to out, concentrate on this moment' feels invalid. It's not the moment that will ruin me, its the future.
So I'm left with what do I do? Go out today or not? Fight or wait and see where I stand, or just lay down and go back to how I used to be. Watch everyone walk away from me because I can't walk with them?
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