I knew yesterday was too good to be true, last night turned into a total nightmare.
I went in the shower and then T and I chatted about some things witch have been bothering me in regard to me doing better and what that means for who I am, and what it means for our relationship, as well as not understanding who I'm changing into. A lot of tears and confusion and hurt. A few things had triggered me and these thoughts and when I worked out what it was I told T.
After our talk I was feeling a little better and went to sit down to get on with some work when beside me, T's work phone started going off. He was called into work and went within the hour. I was thoroughly pissed off, not only did that mean I was in charge of Angel when I have to take my meds which knock me out, but also she's not been sleeping well and we'd planned to go to town today which for once I was really looking forward to.
He wasn't sure how long he would be out but I knew that if it was bad enough to need to call him in, then he would be in a long time. I tried to get on with some writing but I got to tired to do anything and went to bed.
Angel had already been crying a few times before I went to bed but I didn't think much of it, only really hoped she'd sleep because I knew I would need all the energy I could get for today, for looking after her, T, the animals, the house, self-harming urges, and oh yeah; myself. (Can you tell I'm feeling bitter and pissed off yet?)
She was basically more awake and crying during the night than sleeping and T didn't get home until even later than I'd expected; it was half past 6, by which time Angel had been awake since half four, and awake on and off more on than off before that. For the time I did manage to dose sitting up I had horrible nightmares about going to a friends house and bad things happening, being rejected etc.
T went to bed as soon as he got in and I got up and took Angel downstairs, feeling like I was the walking dead. We played and had breakfast which she didn't really eat, got dressed, did our hair and teeth and washed and then played some more. I tidied up her toys and cleared some she doesn't play with out, I made her bottles for tomorrow, cleaned the kitchen and generally tidied and cleaned round. Part way through the morning my stupid blood sugar dropped because I forgot to eat and I ended up sitting down shaking and unable to get up until I'd had a snack and some sugar and let it settle. Then I was dizzy and then it was time to make lunch. Angel actually ate her lunch and all morning I couldn't pick 1 fault with her. She really was an Angel.
T got up just before Angel went for her nap and he is now having a shower and waking up.
I'm trying not to be pissed off but I can't help it. I was looking forward to going out to town today and instead Angel and I have been stuck in the house all day bored. He said to me, "We can go to town tomorrow (Monday), but I'v already arranged for a friend to come round. I haven't told T yet but I'm going to cancel, I'm not in the mood to pretend I'm happy and okay and I would for that friend. The fact is that T could well be and probably will be called back in again tonight for the night. Another fucked up shitty night for me and then tomorrow another hard day looking after everything as well as keeping up with the backlog of my work and this crappy mood. Kill me now, I'm fucking tired.
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