Saturday morning T didnt wake me up and I ended up sleeping in until they woke me up accidentally, getting ready to go out. I had hoped to go out with them and I felt angry at myself for sleeping in so late. Once they had gone out though, I decided to make the most of the unusual quiet time and have a shower, dress in confident clothes and get some breakfast while I listened to uplifting music. I was in a good mood when they got back although I was still feeling a bit depressed and told T upfront so he would know what to expect from me. Despite him knowing how low I was though, he sat at the table on his phone looking at social networking sites and mostly ignoring me and Angel. I stayed quiet then after lunch he did the same thing, from phone to computer while I played with Angel and kept asking what we should do all together and getting no answer from him. Id rather not talk about what happened the rest of the afternoon, but it culminated in desperate self harm, starving, and self loathing. Once id taken the time I needed to calm down I picked T some flowers from the garden to say sorry and we got on better.
Today I knew I HAD to go out, to prove to myself that I still can at least. We decided to go get a few things they forgot from shopping and go in another shop where T found a lot of new cooking things and a new mug and teapot. I didst take any meds, I thought that if I needed any is take them when I needed them. I went into the shop with T and Angel despite being dizzy and I was okay, even at the back of the store and carrying the basket. From that shop Angel and I walked across to the supermarket while T moved the car. They had moved the whole of the shop around because they were doing work to extend it. The toilets moving especially pressed my buttons but I went in and went down to the furthers corner from the door and we got what we needed. T asked me if I wanted to eat in the cafe but I was a little to unsure and id surprised myself with how well I did and I didnt want to ruin that achievement.
Going out had actually caused me to have an apetite for the first time in days and I had a toffee sundae followed by a bagel for lunch. Angel actually had a sleep today surprisingly and I got some much needed writing done and more importantly, enjoyed it.
I had an odd panic attack after dinner. The type I used to have as a child where I was more scared of getting told off for not eating than I was of forcing myself to eat and accidentally making myself ill once I was out of sight. I was more scared of her telling me off or even worse, me getting ill at the table and making mess, spreading disgusting germs, being foul and dissapointing etc etc.
I managed to deal with it then once Angel was in bed and I'd had my shower I got back on with writing. However when the smell of fire started up, T and I were convinced it was in the house and rushed around desperately trying to find the source until I heard sirens outside and realised it was next-door.
It was a relief it wasnt us, my fight or flight had been fired up and I was ready to fight to save my daughter and my animals no matter what. I shook for a while and insisted on staying outside to watch the engines and persuade myself we really are okay. Now they've just left and I have a large amount of glass to clear up first thing in the morning and I have Angel alone all day tomorrow, Tues and Weds. Thursday I need to go to the dentist to have a filling and hopefully Friday will be calm.
I'm panicking about the dentist so I'd better try to get some sleep before it gets out of hand.
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