Zoom *triggering and talk of self-harm and suicide*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ctpei-kWL0U - Zoom, Tokio Hotel 

The only goal I had today was to go up to the postbox to post some letters and get myself going with my going out and my confidence again. It was much much more easier said than done. T was working from home and I dawdled about and hung back and messed around. I felt like I felt ill and in one moment I thought that I would be okay then in the next I was convinced that I would be ill and that would be it. *

I stood outside the door, almost in tears with my intense fear of being sick in public, of not feeling well or panicking and all the people around seeing me, of not being able to cope with it, of having to die. I fought T, shouting in the street almost to convince him that I can't do it anymore. Angel witnessed the whole thing and I couldn't be more ashamed of myself and my childish behavior. In the end T challenged me to walk up to the corner of the road at least and locked the door, stopping my argument. I pushed the stroller and walked. I dug my nails into my palms even with my hands around the handles and I tried to focus on anything but the feeling my stomach, anything but the the way I was convinced I was infected and this would be the day. 

We ended up walking around the block, to the post box and the longer but not to long way home but I was already depressed and the fact that I'd done it, didn't change anything for me and I was already looking forward to when everyone would be in bed and I could cut myself, bleed all my pain out. 

I've tried having a long hot shower and some hypnotherapy to help but and usually I would cry until I couldn't anymore, but there were no tears, I felt too empty.

*I think that one of the big problems I've made for myself is my secret suicide pact with myself. That if I get ill, especially if I'm ill out and about then I will take my life. That I can do this because what's the worst that could happen? Death, am I scared of that? Am I scared of taking control and the truth is that I'm less scared of that than being sick. I guess that is what a phobia is though. Every year I make it through I'm surprised I'm still here but with the way I'm thinking, I'm fighting a losing battle. 

What I should be thinking is that if I get sick then I put up with it, and move on. Maybe my mistake is the way that I'm thinking. I'd never even thought of that until now. 

I can't keep living like this, waiting for the day that it all goes wrong and I have to leave my husband and my little girl. The day that I have to kiss them goodbye for good and leave them behind while I let myself drown in my own fears and disgust.