Yesterday was our anniversary of our summer wedding, unfortunately it wasn't the best of days.
T had to go to the hospital first thing for a test and he come home after but was due to go out in the afternoon again. While he was home we all went for a walk up to the post box, through the little park and to the big park to feed the ducks, I wasnt on any lorazapam, only aconite. I knew that had I been alone I might nor have even got out if the door let alone to the big park. If anyone spots my independence hiding anywhere, please send it back to me.
On a more serious note, I was more depressed and stressed than id realised and I wasn't enjoying being out as much as I should. I wasn't even keen on taking or having T touch me.
I faught to Urge to shout lots at Angel who was also in not the best of moods and I had to fight not to hurt myself. In the end after trying everything I could to settle down, I broke down and told T how bad I was and he decided to cancel his meetings. It was a good thing, I was in such a horrible mood and Angels didn't improve especially with her refusing to have a nap.
In the early evening one of my friends was having a crisis and I pushed aside the fact that I'd eaten non safe food for lunch to go out in the car with T and look for her. We found her and although she was very very low, I felt comfortable she was safe enough from herself. I continued to try and help and support best I could over text and later phone.
Today T and I had the dentist first thing and we dropped Angel off with K. I for some reason didn't actually take any lorazapam until we got to K's and even then it was a quarter.
When we got to the dentist I didn't thinking could go in. I had the rumblies and it was making me more panicky. T want in alone and I know how scared and disliking he is of the dentist. I beat myself up internally, cursing myself for being so calm and okay and then suddenly uselss. I took out one of the knifes from ny bag and used it on my wrist, just faintly. I was so angry and disappointed in myself and my stupid inability to go do normal things. In the end watching an argument helped me calm down, odd I know. I then forced myself inside and met T. We went in not long after that and T went in the chair first. It was established that he needed a filling tks replace one that was crumbling and he would need numbing stuff. He decided not to have it done then and I lay in the seat. I was extremely panicky but dug my nails in and made myself stay and cope. He told me I was okay. And I was immediately suspicious, no dentist has even said that to me before. I still now keep thinking he must be wrong.
After my check T decided to go through with the filling there and then and I was amazed by his bravery, I could see he was terrified. He lay down and had the numbing done. And I felt a little faint but I watched, not the dentist but T for signs of pain or distress, that he might need me to hold his hand. It was horrible to watch him go through pain. We sat out in the waiting area while he numbed then we went back in and once again I watched. I made myself watch what they did. To prove to myself it wasn't the end of the world. Towards the end I could see T grasping the chair and making sounds of pain so regardless of the drill etc I jumped up and went to him, held his hand and reassured him through his fear and pain. I felt a little more connected to him, being able to be there for him, like a wife should be.
When we picked up Angel she was very upset but lots of mummy and daddy cuddled helped then we went up to the big supermarket to Oucj up my prescription and get lunch. Still on only half a lorazapam and with no panic.
This afternoon although u should have been feeling proud and happy, I found I still felt down and depressed and had to keep fighting self-harming urges. Angel has continued to be a moody child all day and I'm dreading tomorrow when I have her on my own all day. I'm just hoping she isn't behaving the same as she has been.
Id like to do something nice with get tomorrow but I'm unconvinced that I will have the courage to do anything.
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