Backwards

Saturday morning, I took 3/4 of a lorazapam and I guess it must have kicked in because I was confident enough to get into the car. First we went to a shop nearby to get Angel a present that she'd been asking for. I managed to go around the shop okay and keep calm.

Then we drove across town to the big warehouse to get the this we needed. I was quite nervous but kept myself occupied pulling the big heavy trolly along and setting myself little jobs to do, like choosing some sweets and going off and getting little things we needed. By the time we payed and left I was calm and we decided to go across to the resteraunt not far from the warehouse. I was a little edgy but once again I kept calm by setting little tasks and I even managed to eat a reasonable amount. We all enjoyed it and even watching another girl having a panic attack didn't set me off.

I know there was an element of me driving it but I also know a huge chunk of what I did was down to the anazingness of lorazapam.

In the afternoon, my dad came round with his lady friend and I was okay and relaxed.

That evening K came round and I was grateful for her visit in more ways than one. I know she prevented me from self-harming more than I had. I felt better when she left and happier.

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Sunday the plan was to go she do some shopping because our delivery the night before had been messed up. I wasn't feeling anywhere near as confident, probably due to no lorazapam in my system but went in the car anyway. I felt okay until we arrived then I started feeling off again and Angel and T went in to shop without me. I did manage to get out of the car and go in the petshop to show Angel the animals while T took back a bulb that wasn't working on the tank.

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Today I woke up still feeling unwell but had too much to do to let it stop me. I did all the housework and completely Tidied and changed the living room to make it better for us and Angel. By the time I even thought about going out, it was half past 11 and time to start making lunch. I guess if is really been driven to go out I would have made time to.

In the last few weeks my mental health has started to slip again. It feels like its one thing after another and I'm fighting a losing battle. I don't want to lose but for now I'm out of fight.

Speaking of fights, tonight one broke out outside our house between a couple of drunks. It was loud and messy and one of my neighbours P came out to try to break it up. The bravery! Wow. Her daughter had followed her out into the street though and was shaking and scared and far to close. I didn't hesitate, I opened my door and picked up the little girl, reassuring her that her and her mummy would be okay. I was worried that P might get hurt because one is the fighters was very up close and abusive to her, but without being violent at all she stood up to him. I stood shaking more than the child I was holding, but ready to stand in the way of her if I needed to. Thankfully Angel was in bed when it all started so she was safe. T called thr police when he came out to find out what was going on and they arrived soon after. The men were so stupidly drunk, one of them was walking around with his belongings in a plastic bag. He was the one who'd threatened P and her little girl and been most drunk and violent. When he came back into the road a bit later, trying to start a fight with T, I noticed him carrying paperwork. Unfortunately in his drunken state he dropped some and when I was putting some rubbish out later I found it. It was an NHS card which he needed for the hostel he's staying in etc. It had an accident and found its way in pieces to my bin. Mess with my people and I mess with you. I don't think I could have said it better unless I peed in the street to mark my territory. Yea I'm a petty bitch and no I don't care, only those I care about matter. Not drunken fucktards that drink and litter, fight and pee in my street. It's only a pity they didn't get ran over.

*sigh* rant over.

So yes, onto tomorrow, I need to try to make myself go out but I'm absolutely terrified. I feel like I've taken at least one step back again. KR was supposed to be coming round last week and now wants to this week but Im terrified I will feel or worse be ill when he's here so I keep making excuses and putting it off. I'm a shitty friend.

I need to try to sleep now.

Wonder when my next wake-up call will come, not that I should need one.