This morning I got up and after the suggestion from T, I put on my confidence clothes; my skinny jeans and my denim and pink shoes.
I had a light breakfast of biscuits and coffee and got the bags ready.
I was scared of going out but not as fearful as yesterday. I didn't take any lorazapam, I'm not sure why.
We got in the car and T took the wrong turning so I asked if we could go somewhere else first. I got out the car when we were just in the carpark and I walked around a shop on my own looking for the materials for a new project. I then walked down to boots where T and Angel were looking around, and met up with them. The shop didn't have what we wanted so T suggested that we walk a distance down the row of shops to the mothercare to check there. I was nervous walking down there but kept focussed and looked around. We found some reduced things for more of Angels birthday present and I went off on my own to look at the sale part of the shop. Once we'd finally got to the front of the queue and payed I was fecking fine and we walked back all the way to the car. I was starting to feel a bit yacky I think from the need to eat but it felt a little different so I couldn't be sure. I tried to nibble some crisps but I wast feeling much better when we started travelling. I sipped on my drink buy found the cold juice was making my tummy feel worse not better. I've noticed cold things give me a bit of a chill on occasion dir some reason and it makes my tummy upset and grumbly. We stopped at a post office to post a parcel and I got out alone and went in. Typical bad timing meant that when it had been empty a few minutes before, just as I got in there a man walked in in front of me with 2 huge bags of parcels. I ended up having to wait behind him without my bag or my drink,beginning to feel even worse. When I got back in the car I was heading towards being a state but I thought I'd be brave and fight it but it only got worse until my arm was a meds from my nails in my panic and I really thought I was going to be sick. The taste was in my mouth and my breathing changed and my body went all hot, cold and tingly. I kept it at bay until we managed to find somewhere to park and I could distract myself, bring myself back down and get over it. Where I would usually then full into a depression for the rest of the day, I smiled and picked myself up and toad T to carry on driving to the shop we were heading to. I have never done that before but with my new code in place. It wasnt the end of the world and although I knew If I got sick I would have hated every second and it might have knocked me back. It wouldn't have knocked me down perminately. Being sick does not instantly mean death any more. It can't. I love my husband, my daughter and my life too much and its about time I saw that and stopped seeing an escape from life as an option.
We arrived at the HUGE Pc World and T and Angel went in so I could recover in the car from the panic. I had a sing to my happy music and ate some crisps then I decided to at least go into the shop to look at the laptop T was thinking of getting and help him choose them come straight back out. Inside I met T and Angel and it suddenly didn't look so big inside. I looked after Angel and we looked at the big TV screens and had a walk around while T talked to the man about the computers. Then T had to pay and Angel and I sat on a chair together and had some sweeties while we waited. I was totally calm and relaxed and unbothered by how long we were.
The drive home was a lot calmer and it wasnt until the end of the journey they I staryed to feel travel sick. But I kept it back and had some food as soon as we were home.
I made myself have a biggest lunch and now I'm sitting knitting and making pizza while Angel plays.
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