Tonight I'm feeling low.
I've spent the last week, working at every available moment to get my writing done, to get cards made, to get my trailer done, illustrations drawn and tonight I feel like it's all for nothing. I spend all day making notes while I look after and play with Angel, cook food and clean the house, then as soon as Angel is in bed and the housework is complete, my work day begins. I've been working from half 6 until half 1 every night and then going to bed but being unable to shut off. I have now finished my trailer and I have a group of poems ready to be edited and published, but I can't help but think that maybe I'm putting in all hard work for no reason.
I am nothing, I came from nothing and I was taught that I would be a wife, a mum, a prostitute to my husband and a cleaner. I didn't get an education properly because I never aspired to be anything other than what I was told I would be. Everything I know is self-taught and nothing was ever encouraged, but still the wild untamed part of me craved more, more knowledge and ability. Dreamed a future for my family that I can never achieve in reality. It goes against everything I am. I was bred to be all the things I was told I would be, I shouldn't aspire to be more, I shouldn't enjoy being what I am, not enjoy the time with my family but just put up with it. I am a shadow here for everyone else without any pleasure for myself, that would be wrong. I can't help but think, what the hell am I doing?
I should have been putting more effort into the house, putting more time into my daughter and my husband. I should have been forcing myself to go out and do more, be the mum I should be.
I'm not good enough to be anything I want to be, so why keep fighting to be something I can't be?
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