So busy

Grrr I'm getting so peed off with this now. I have tried this blog entry 5 times using the method of straight onto blogger and copy and pasting it to ensure I don't lose it. But so far every attempt has failed. I'm really beginning to wonder whether to hang write my blog and take pictures of the bits I want to share. I'm getting so bored of typing it and losing it and not getting time to get my laptop out and it taking twice as long by phone.

What I was trying to say was that Tuesday was spent working my butt off doing cleaning and tidying and sorting and housework. I'd planned to have the afternoon off to do some cross stitch while angel played but it never happened. Yesterday was the same in the end and I went to bed too hyped to sleep but completely worn out.

Today I didn't even plan to have a quiet day. I helped Nanny J (who I now call mum for ease and because it fits) to empty and dismantle one of her marine tanks. T wasn't doing so well and I was juggling angel, Dyson, helping mum and helping him all at once. I let my blood sugar get low, I wanted to hurt but since I've been here I haven't self harmed except a small scratch, so I starved myself and made myself ill instead. I'd like to add that I didn't just do it out of spite, when I got over to the main house to help out I was informed that cousin R was off school feeling 'unwell' the type I'm terrified of. My emeto kicked right up but I held if off while I did all the helping until it got too much and T was feeling better and we were back at out house and I just cried and continued to starve myself. I had to eat in the end and have vaguely had dinner but I'm too afraid to have much. I'm now sitting up in bed imagining the worst, feeling like I'm already infected and terrified. I'm hoping that tomorrow brings news that cousin R wasn't ill in the end, just ate something not quite right. Please be that and not anything else.

Vexed! (Major rant probably with lots of swearing)

Today was the day that T went into hospital to have his operation. I got up and by the time I was properly awake T had already been dropped off by his mum and dad. An hour later they had loaded the car up ready to come back, cleared out the fridge of out of date stuff and were in the coffee shop having a well earned drink. So grateful for his family. His mum has been a star and his dad has been a golden star with glitter. 

Angel and I did our morning jobs then we went over to the main house to see Cousin E and Auntie K. Uncle K basically sat in the arm chair in the main house all day long, ignoring everyone even his own children when they came home and all the housework around him, including the stuff made by him. K and I ended up having to look after all the kids alone and keep them entertained which the fat bastard sat on his fat fucking arse with shitty non child safe TV on (he didn't and wouldn't turn it over for them) and his laptop out watching youtube videos instead of actually doing the college work he was pretending to do. I think it's about time someone talked to him about his fucking respnosibilies. If it wouldn't be K and me looking after them it would be Nanny J and she is retired and has to do more work because of that twat wank than she did when she was working. It really took the biscuit though when my puppy (who is an angel most of the time) was playing with Nanny J's dog in the living room while we made cookies in the kitchen. The first I knew was that  uncle K's son came to the door to tell me that my puppy had pooed on the floor. I went in to find Uncle K STILL sitting on his fat arse on the arm chair by the door and had refused to get up to let poor Dyson (puppy) out so he could go to the loo. He had then left him to wander around the living room making poo everywhere around the kids for me to clear up. I was so so angry I was almost in tears and have decided that I might be best stay away from him for a few days now. I'm actually looking forward to having a few quiet days over at our place away from that fucker and his ffing demon kids who are a huge bad example and play up majorly because he doesn't give one shit about them or anyone else but himself. 

His behavior majorly triggered me and I ended up coming over to be alone just to use a knife but it was blunt :(He made me feel like my mum used to make me feel, insignificant, stupid etc etc etc and for that I hate him right now. 

T is now home and safe with me and he has a doctors note for the next 3 weeks then a review to see if he needs it extending. Even when he goes back to work he will be working from home so looks like we were right about it being a few months at least. 

Auntie K is going shopping in the morning and I'm half debating whether me and Angel will go with her to get some time out if nothing but I will see how tonight goes and how I feel in the morning. 

Some ups, some downs and too many round-a-bouts

At the moment I'm sitting in mc Donald's over half an hour from my new home. It wasn't the nicest drive to get here, lots of fast roads and angel and me were very anxious and uncertain. We arrived at the big shop and somehow I found the confidence to get out of the car and go inside. I was very on edge but we looked all around and T even went off to get me something for my birthday and I stayed with Angel alone without the keys. The shop was the same shop that they have where I used to live but this one is like 6 times the size! They sell so much craft stuff and kitchen things and all sorts. We had a long walk round and then we all started to get hungry so we went back to the car. I was starting to feel quite anxious by this point just because of how I felt on the ride there and I knew the ride back would be soon. We ended up having to go out of the retail park and back in again, round roundabouts which made my stomach feel even worse on top of the anxiety. I took some aconite and half a lorazepam and sat outside the Restaurant in the car while Angel and T had their lunch. After a text from T telling me that angel was missing me, i gathered my confidence together, got out the car and went inside despite the fact that we weren't anywhere near the restaurant and it was very packed inside to the point where people were waiting for tables. I know the lorazepam wasn't working by this point but somehow knowing it was our last day together before T's operation, I pushed hard and went in despite the panic to take my rightful place at the table with my little family. I was extremely on edge and had to do bridging to keep myself in the moment, but somehow I managed to eat a little and then when we went back out to the car I didn't want to travel back home but... I just did.
By the time we got closer to home I was feeling a bit better not completely better just a little, so I asked T if we could stop off at the supermarket to get couple of things.
The short stop at the supermarket turned into a slow casual look around even though I'd eaten and it was in the afternoon so it was quite busy, and although I still anxious I wasn't having a panic attack.

The plan for this weekend to be a family weekend so that we could be together before T's operation kind of got lost in all the hectic activity that happens over here with so many family around. It's okay though, I'm feeling like I got quality time with T and Angel and I can't wait to have him back even though I will be primary carer for months.

I want to write in here about my day on Friday, yesterday (Saturday) we went out for a quick drive in the morning then in the evening K, M and their children came over and Me and K did a joint effort on dinner.

Friday was odd, another if you find my lack of confidence, please hand it in days.
I got up not really expecting to do very much And then T text me to find out if I could get a tank for our fish because bringing the one from home would be too hard. I instantly thought of K and an hour later we were in the car heading down to the local pet shop to have a look at tanks with Angel and cousin E with us. This time I was only on half a lorazepam and a bit of aconite and I was more nervous than the first time I went out with her but I knew it was something that needed to be done to make it easier for T to get here. We spent quite a while looking at the tanks and then looking around at all sorts of things and by the time we left I was feeling a little less anxious and had brought a new tank set up complete with pink stones chosen by Angel.

K then asked me whether I felt up to going to Morrison's to get a few bits and bobs and strangely I'd put my shopping list in my pocket before coming out and although I was scared I decided to go and try it.

The shop was packed!! absolutely chockablock full!! I somehow managed to get round the shop completing my shopping list and getting other things I hadn't thought to write down as well. It was mayhem there, but finally we paid and got back to the main house where we decided to have lunch in the main kitchen  with Nanny J and another of Angel's cousins.

Something else I'd like to add here is that when we got back and Angel needed a wee instead of using the small downstairs toilet like I would usually, I took her up to the upstairs bathroom. It doesn't sound
all that look all that scary in words but this was a major thing for me. I hadn't been in this bathroom for years; since I was very very poorly in there on boxing day a few years ago.  I still have to fight PTSD from the event and I have always been convinced that if I ever went in there again, then like a curse I would get it happen all over again. I honestly don't know where my confidence comes from just lately but not only did I go in there and sort Angel out, we then went down to the breakfast bar to eat publicly like I did that horrible winter. I felt okay.

I'm beginning to get tired now, I'm now writing this at home, T has left with his mum and dad to go back to the midlands for him to have his operation tomorrow morning. I've spent most of the last few days working myself as hard as I can to try and forget and distract but I still kept finding myself in tears, I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time last night and I can see tonight going the same way. I can't seem to be able to see past the fear that he will go in and I will never see him again. It hurts so much, and he is very positive about it but I just feel like I'm becoming numb now. I know that if he left, then Angel wouldn't just lose one parent, she'd lose two. Yep here I go setting myself off again, my tummy is already not happy at all.

I'm going to go and get some more things done to distract then go to bed early.

Someone new for the day

Last night was horrendous. Angel was awake from 3 and that meant I was too, forcing myself to stay awake through the effects of the meds. I was crying from tiredness and frustration and in the end at 6 I put Angel in bed with me and I entered into a state of being awake and being unable to even open my eyes or speak. I'm dreading going to bed tonight, dreading it will be the same but I know I need to get an early night. 

First though I think it's important to get this written down, how my day went in the end today, so here goes:

I got up and had a breakfast that I wouldn't consider safe to go out on in the amounts I had, even though I wanted to get out I knew I wasn't in the right state of mind for it so didn't bother to limit myself. I was feeling very panicky by the end of breakfast and I kept the curtains closed again, expecting today to be a hide away day again. 

K came over and I let her and cousin E in. E and Angel played together while K and I chatted and she gently encouraged me to try going out in the car with her, just to her house. She then went out with grandad R and left me here to think about it. I ended up getting some jobs done including getting mine and Angel's bags and coats ready for going out. I had some aconite and I had half a lorazapam. I'm not sure if I only had half because I didn't believe I could really do it, or whether I knew I could, but when K came back I got me and Angel into the car with her and we drove through town to K's house where I have only been once before about 4 or 5 years ago. I was afraid but I felt safeish with K and I went into the house and played with E and Angel while K made lunch for us all. I only ate half a batch and a packet of crisps but I ate, not only out but out at someone's house knowing I could only get back to my safe space in her car again. 

Angel and E played for a while after and K and I chatted some more, I felt welcome and okay with her. She then suggested us going out and I liked the idea, I was scared but I wanted to get out. We decided to take the car into town to have a look around a few shops. I felt okay if a little cold even on the drive over. I ended up buying Angel a new double pushchair from a toyshop and a few other bits and bobs including treating myself to come chocolate. We walked away from the car, went into shops, even ones where there were no toilets nearby at all. We didn't start driving home until it was getting dark and then instead of hiding over in our house I stayed in the parent's house and I decided to help Nanny J out with making dinner and tidying round and even shouting at all the kids when they weren't listening to their Nanny. It shocked everyone including me, but I guess I may have come out of my shell a little. 

I also took Angel to the toilet upstairs, the one that I was very very ill in a few years ago and although I'm terrified the room is bad luck and I'm going to get ill not from germs but just because I unleashed it, I was okay, even looking at that sink. 

Before making dinner Nanny J asked if I wanted food making too and I shocked her and me by saying yes please. I had fish in sauce with boiled potatoes and even a spoonful of bright green mushy peas. I didn't just let her cook mine and Angel's food but I decided to sit at the table with everyone to eat, and I ate it all. 

My bag of safe things wasn't even in the main house, i'd left it here at ours but I did that, all of it. 

Travelling in someone elses car, eating at other people's houses, going to town in the afternoon, going out for the whole day! This isn't me, I guess it was nice to have a normal day for once. 

I would never in a hundred years dreamed that I would be able to do any of the things I did today, I'm just grateful that I have gotten to experience something so special. 

A long lonely day

T went back to the Midlands today, I didn't want to let him go, I almost cried in front of everyone but I held it back with all my might, not wanting those around me to see how weak I was feeling, how vulnerable and hurt.
I forced myself to stay in the main house and let Angel play with her cousin E but when she went home and I wasn't feeling up to going with them, I gave in and came back over here. I closed the curtains and just shut us  in making sure I had plenty of things for Angel to do. It wasn't really fair of me I guess but I just couldn't face anyone.
I managed to keep my emotions in check while we went for a short walk around the field with Puppy being a naughty boy because of seeing rabbits, and with Angel being moody about certain things.

It was hard and it seemed as though the day lasted a lot longer than usual. I tried to keep distracted by doing little jobs and things but I just couldn't keep the cold out of my insides.

I was just starting to feel a bit better after a facetime call with T, then I got a text from Nanny J about things I'm apparently doing wrong according to T's sister E who is in the annex next door and not at all happy about us moving in here. Things I might like to add that we've been doing for the past two weeks now and had no comment or anything before now, and now suddenly we are doing things wrong. I hate her, she certainly knows how to choose the right time to do things, she always knows how to kick me when I'm down and I'm down. The only reason I'm not slicing myself up is because of Angel, because if I can't look after her then I really have no purpose and may as well be dead.

I know I don't always feel like this but today I feel weak and useless. In only pray that I have the strength to look after Angel over the coming days and then to cope and be able to look after her and T after he's had his operation.

As far as I can see right now, there is nothing to look forward to, it's going to get harder, the only saving grace is that T will be with me.

Sunday

I was hoping that I would get a chance to write this yesterday so everything was fresh but I ended up having barely any spare time between housework and social time.

We planned to drive into town and have a look round the shops, but I was feeling anxious and not at all sure. In the end I took a meagre quarter of a lorazapam expecting not to be able to go, so not wanting to take too much and 'waste' it. I had a few aconite too and then we got into T's dad's car and we drove into the town which is only about ten mins away at the most. We parked up in the ice rink of a car park and I forced myself not to think about and just got out. We walked from the car park to the shops which was a walk away in the slippery ice and snow. We went into a few shops and had a look around to see which other shops are around there. It was like a proper little snowy village. I was a little anxious but I was okay and by the time we had looked in the shops we wanted to look in, I was getting hungry and we decided to go into the big bakery they have in town and actually sit in there and have some lunch. I actually wanted to, I took Angel to the toilet first while T got the food and usually the location of the toilets in the place would have bothered me as they were up 3 flights of stairs and around a corner and down a corridor then another corridor!! Somehow I was alright though and I hadn't scoped out the shop as I usually would to find the disabled toilet; I didn't even think of it and I also didn't have the car keys, I only just thought of that now. I ate more or less a while chicken slice before I started to get a little more anxious. Angel also ate nearly a whole chicken slice and then we walked slowly back to the car with some cakes for later. The journey back was okay despite me having eaten and then when we got back to the house we decided to stay in the main house with everyone else instead of hiding as I usually would when I've eaten. I also had my first cup of coffee over here, I didn't watch it being made but managed to trust Nanny J enough to make it and keep it germ free. I also chomped a nanny J cookie and had some chocolates.

Another huge thing for me is lightning the open fire they have in the living room over here. When I was extremely poorly years before, the night before we were so ill, we lit the fire so it really stands out in my mind and triggers my PTSD. It was very cold though and the desire to watch a roaring fire and poke it won out over my fear and T and I lit it. During our time over the main house I was receiving texts from my family, poking me and moaning at me about my estrangement from my mum. It really upset me but looking into the fire and imagining all my hurt burning away helped me, as well as a smoke outside in the falling snow even though it was freezing.

The texts continued on into the evening and although they were depressing and upsetting me, I carried on okay and I don't think I was too bad company. T, Grandad R and I moved the sofa over so that we have a sofa at ours now and then we came back over to the main house and sat in the kitchen making home made waffles and talking to nanny J, Grandad R, Auntie B and Uncle K. We had a really good chat and a laugh and I felt much happier for it, I felt like I was accepted and belonged.

When we got back over to our place, T went to bed and I decided to have a bath and I guess a pamper session. I used my new bath things I got for Yule (T brought them up this time for me) and I took my time using nice wash things, washing my hair and just laying in the warm water trying to relax.



Just been triggered as I've been writing this, I'm sitting in the main house with T working beside me, Angel and two of her cousins in here, Nanny J, Grandad R, auntie K and uncle K. Auntie K's sister had her baby on Friday and they've all been talking about that, that is triggering enough but now K is going over there to take the baby for a few hours while her sister gets to have a relaxing bath and some time off. This really really gets my back up, yes I'm jealous and bitter because I didn't have that, I never had that when Angel was a baby and she was a very very hard baby to look after with her constant crying because of her pain and colic and she started teething at only two weeks old. So yes I'm jealous and angry and bitter.

Auntie K did come and stay with us for a night or so after Angel was born and she told me if I needed a rest she would look after her so I could get some sleep. I did ask, I got over my pride and asked one night when I'd had no sleep at all since the night before I'd given birth and I was in so much pain, so tired and upset and scared. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't want to be doing it, I was a wreck and I didn't feel like T was doing much, this was partly my fault due to the choice to breastfeed which meant that I had to do the feeds every bloody time, I wish I hadn't.
Anyway K had Angel for two hours but then Angel got to crying so much that I had to be gotten up and take over again because she needed feeding. So yes that was the time I got off until Angel was about one and I had stopped breast feeding. Even so since she was born, I can probably count the amount of time I've spent away from her on two hands.

Speaking of which, I need to move my arse now and make Angel's lunch.

No support vs tonnes of support + love

Today I have spent most of the day questioning whether to travel back to the midlands with T or whether to stay here and look after Angel as I have been doing. There are so many arguments for and against going back. Some if which are to say goodbye properly, just in case I don't ever go back. The other is to pack and sort and get things ready - something I can't do while I'm constantly caring for Angel alone. I asked my sister to come spend at least a few days with me but her answer was no, even though she knows she wont get to see us or her niece for at least 2 months after. I asked my only friend I'm the midlands and he said no. It brought it all back to me, refreshed the feeling of loneliness I have there, the major lack of any form of support which is why we wanted to move here to begin with.
Now in swaying back towards staying here, trouble with that Is how clingy I feel to T knowing next week he will be having his op and I can't be with him. I'm terrified after his last procedure that something will go wrong. I'm scared of losing him. So scared I don't want to let him out of my sight. When I think of losing him it just breaks my heart, he's my everything. I wouldn't be alive if I hadn't met him. Even with his family for support I don't think id get over losing him.
I can tell I'm worried, I'm not eating much and I'm tidying. I tidied and cleaned our bungalow including all the pets then went over to the parents house and cleaned and tidied their living room and kitchen. T's mum still has a sinus infection and not feeling well :( so I decided to do all the tidying and cleaning so she doesn't have to get up and have to do it tomorrow.

We went out in the car today, well not our car as T's dad was working on it, so we took T's dads car. I'd taken half a loraz and I was scared of travelling in another car. It's a big scary for me. I distracted myself on the drive to the shop by looking at all the snow covered houses and all the shops and things we have here. I was nervous when I first went into the shop but I seemed to relax and was okay so went went a few mins down the road to a supermarket. Supermarkets on a Saturday at lunch time are horrendous, they are busy and cramped, but I was okay, even in the crowds, even on my own or off with Angel alone. I even suggested we have lunch in the cafe there and we were going to until we noticed the queue which was very long. We are some food in the car then travelled home and I was fine even though I'd eaten.

Yes some of it was me but thank goodness for loraz! Now to try to get some sleep.

Making memories

Yesterday I was very low. For most of today I haven't been much better but I have been able to see the brighter side of things in some ways. Angel spent most of the morning playing with her cousins as they were off school because of the snow again, after lunch we all went out into the field and had snowball fights and played on the play area (yep we have a play area out the front!) then we went into the field and made snow angels and a solider snowman with pink gloves. It was so much fun and I found myself just laughing freely and running around like one of the children. The rest of the afternoon was spent with Angel playing very happily DVD quietly with cousin K after auntie K had taken the other three home. They role played mummies and children for hours while I sat in the kitchen talking to nanny J and Grandad R. I also filled out Angels application to playgroup.
I made dinner for nanny and grandad tonight, I made pizza and they were both thrilled and felt treated because they're very rarely cooked for. Grandad R brought Angel a sledge and then surprised me with a glorious very special jar of lemon curd mmmmmm. It's nice to feel like I belong.

Tonight T is coming back/home after a stressful week at work :( I can't wait to see him, I have butterflies like a teenager on a first date. My sister P was supposed to be coming too but I think I put her off. She was so unsure and I think she felt more like she had to come than she wanted to which should't be the way it is. I feel guilty for putting points across that put her off but calmer that I don't have the extra panic. Also I'm debating going back to hometown next week to finish packing some things, it's not set I'm stone but I wouldn't have been able to travel at all with P in the car, it presses too many triggers.

After barely any sleep last night my tummy is a little wibbly and I'm exhausted so I think I'm going to set up a nest on the floor and watch something until T gets home. Home? Here? Back? Is this home now? :/

Falling apart

Today has been tough for me, the hardest since arriving in Norfolk over a week ago now. I can't really say what happened to trigger it but I woke up feeling very low and unhappy. I cried lots, shouted at T on the phone, got annoyed and upset with Angel and shut us away for the morning and part of the afternoon. Angel was bored but I was too edgy and depressed to go outside even across to the field or the house even with the snow and I was too much in a bad state to ask for help, all my triggers were off and I was very angry and down on myself. K came to 'call' for us to go over the field with the other kids who were all off today but I just couldn't face it. When she called on us a second time I despite my major panic went out and we walked up the field to where the others were playing. I was very very anxious but I communicated as best I could and helped Angel and cousin K go up and down the slopes. I didn't calm down until we were almost back to the house though and I'm feeling very worn out from all the anxiety. While we waited for dinner to cook Angel played with her cousins then we came over to our bungalow for dinner which she ate really well.

I'm feeling so on edge and panicky now that I've barely done anything all night and now there is no way I can even lay down let alone sleep.

Tomorrow T is coming back for the weekend and not a moment too soon. I'm stressing about what he's bringing with him and what we might need and what we might forget and want which isn't helping. To be honest tonight I don't even feel like I can make if through the night. I don't even know how I will cope with tomorrow. I want to go home, the trouble is, I don't know where home is anymore.
I'm do scared. I need my rock, my husband and he isn't here where I need him. I'm barely holding onto what ever it is, sanity, calm etc by my nails. If something was to happen tonight I think it would be the final push.

Scary

The scary thing about today is that I have had some sort of a break in myself. This morning I got up not even expecting to be able to go over to the main house. After a while, a small coffee and biscuits I felt okay enough to and off we went. Auntie K was there and she offered to take Angel into town with her. Angel said she wanted to go so I let her, I felt okay about it, out of everyone I trust K most. I decided to take puppy down to the field for a run around. I let him off the lead and he was good. All I could see around me was green and trees. All I could hear was birds and the occasional car and all I could smell was the outdoors and fire which reminded me of the Land. I felt truly free for the first time in ages. I then went back to our house and got on with some work in the quiet. The washing machine was on and that sound as well as the clock ticking made it really feel like home. I was intending to bring Angel over here for lunch but she said she wanted to stay at nannies so I got the sausages from our house, fed puppy and then we all went over for lunch. I made mine at home and took it over but I are there with them and I was fine. After lunch we made cookies with nanny and auntie K then After a FaceTime call with T who's back at our house still with the bathroom fix going on. It was the hardest time if the day for me and I think that K recognised that because she asked Angel if she wanted to go pick up her boys from school with her. Angel was up for it and although I wasn't sure I wasn't about to stop her so I let her go and just cried a bit. I spoke to T again and we discussed the fact that his knee op would be done in our old home town then for the recovery his mum and dad who took him for the surgery would bring him back here to stay for at least 2 months to get better again. To save having to get someone in for cat care his dad and him are bringing the cats up here when they come back after the work at home is finished, as well as the rabbit and some more stuff for us. We were talking about Angel and I not going back at all but then I got a text from my sister to say my uncle had died. He finally got what he wanted. I will have to go back at least for the funeral but T's family have offered to have Angel while we go so we won't have to take her to the funeral where my mum will be.

****warning emetophobics stop here!**** that means you missy - just skip this paragraph
I have to admit something here about something that happened this evening. When I brought Angel back over here after playing in the main house all day she had hiccups and after leaning down and squishing her tummy she hiccuped violently and was poorly a little bit, almost on me I was so close. She was worried about the mess she'd made even though it was only a little and I cuddled her and reassured her then got my cleaning things and cleaned up with no gloves on, no shaking, no cringing and no panic. Now that isn't to say if she was poorly I would be able to deal with it in the slightest but its a step and apart from writing it here its my secret because I'm scared if I admit It then I will be cursed to go backwards again.

**** no more emeto stuff****

The last thing to include here is after Angel telling me she wants to go to school I have spoken to Auntie K and gotten her enrolled in a playgroup where her cousin E is starting in the spring. Another ffing huge huge step for me in many more ways than one and yet another commitment to staying here.

So yes an emotional roller coaster of a day and a very social one at that. Now if only I could relax enough for sleep.

Thurs 10th Jan 2013

I don't really feel all that much like writing now but I know that if I don't get this down then I will regret it.

Tuesday morning we got up early and with most things having been put in the car the night before, there wasn't much left to do so after breakfast we left. For some reason I only took half a lorazapam and not even a blue tablet but a white one which is only half the dose of the blue. We set off and as usual I was terrified and kept wanting to ask T to turn back, I had to fight the instinct to not get further away which we were doing every minute. We got stuck in traffic a few times and in that respect it wasn't the best of journeys, but I managed to stay 'okay' even when Puppy was poorly twice and when Angel started to get fidgety and moody towards the end. I don't know for the life of me how I did it, I just did, I can't explain it.

When we first arrived it wasn't long before we had the onslaught of many excited family members and during that time we had to drag all the bags in and start getting the bungalow into shape. It was a much worse state than I feared; every available surface was filled with boxes and bags and pots of things, all piled high and covered with dust and dead insects. I was no sooner through the door and I began cleaning things. I started in the bedroom, making the bedroom into two using the furniture to section half of it off and then I tidied it all and swept the floor. Meanwhile T started on the kitchen which was in the worst shape and of course we would need most. I moved into the bathroom and filled another two big bags of stuff, old bottles, medical kits which had instruments in that even T didn't know what they were. I then moved into the hallway and cleared all of that then to help T in the kitchen. By the end of the day we had a bedroom, a bathroom, a hallway, a living room/dining room and a little kitchen; enough to cook on. I think that most of the day I was in denial about actually being here. T kept going over to see his family and at times I did too, but what I really wanted to do was crack on and make this into our home. At one point in the day while we were tidying and cleaning Angel was playing with cousin K (who I actually dislike because of the way she acts and when Angel is with her she picks up very bad habits that I hate) anyway she was playing with cousin K and then I blinked and cousin E was there too toddling round. Went out the room and came back in again and there was cousin R in the corner. Five minutes later Cousin B and A were also here and all six of the cousins were chasing around and around the chairs until Angel fell over and hurt herself and the rest got told off by Auntie K. (It's all very complicated, poor Cousin K and R have two auntie K's, we have the same names and the same three initials too and of course the same sir name, very confuzzleating. Auntie K is wonderful, she has helped get us settled in so much, she's done everything she can and I don't think I'd have settled so well without her. Angel loves playing with her daughter cousin E too and she's adorable and quiet and relaxed and very very well behaved so perfect company and nearer Angel's age.

The plan as of Tuesday night was that the following day T would go back home with his dad (granddad R) and me and Angel would stay here with Puppy. As you read before, I wasn't keen on the idea in the least and when I went to bed on Tuesday night I was still as unconvinced. Wednesday T was feeling a bit rough with the same thing that me and most other people have had lately, the whole dreaded virus/infection thing. He popped out to do some shopping with his mum (Nanny J) and test how well I did on my own here.  I was fine at first, then Auntie K came over, still fine, then Auntie B came over with Cousin K and it got louder and more uncomfortable. I was hoping to just have a chat then them leave so we could have a quiet lunch, but Auntie B suggested to the girls, without asking me whether they'd like to all eat together. I then had no choice because I was put in a position where Angel was set on going. I knew that for my own sanity I needed to go over there so that I could watch and help protect her from the germs best I could, if only putting hand gel on her before she ate. This though meant that I had to shut Puppy outside and feed him out there because I didn't have time to do my usual routine of feeding him, letting him out to do his business then going out and leaving him with his toys or a bone. I felt guilty about that. I was too late to help prepare the lunch although auntie K did it so I felt a little more comfy, it's just I know about the germs that sometimes linger here and no one else is bothered obviously because they don't have the fear I do. While Angel ate I just sat there with my mask on, holding it all in and feeling my stomach rumbling and my blood sugar dropping lower. In the end T came home with the shopping and I came over to help him put it away leaving Angel over there (I didn't want to) and when we got through the door I burst into tears. I told T how I felt, how I couldn't cope without him here and we decided to all go home that evening, kind of anyway, then T just started getting upset and I felt guilty for breaking down on him and let him go get some rest.

He really didn't want us at home, he said he knew how disruptive it would be and there'd be no toilet, sink, bath, shower or any water until they go home at night after the work. The work starts on Thursday morning (today) and is supposed to finish on Friday but T thought that was hopeful thinking; that the bathroom probably wouldn't be refitted until Saturday night at the earliest.

So I felt forced to make the decision to stay here on my own with my puppy and my daughter, responsible for both of them and getting the house cleaned and tidied and more like a home as well as making meals, looking after myself, fighting off the panic and fears and phobia and like I'm doing now crumbling.

T left and I just burst into even more tears, fighting every instinct to stop him from going and leaving me. In the end  I was making myself feel so ill that I took a quarter of a loraz and rang my sister. We chatted for an hour and by the end of it I was feeling happier and a lot less depressed. I then watched a DVD, did some cross-stitching and then went to bed after a quick wash of my hair.

Angel woke me up at half past five and although it was early she at my request sat in bed reading her books while I let Puppy out and did his breakfast. By the time I'd done all that I was awake more and we both had our breakfast. I was feeling pretty positive about the day, although I'd planned to go over the fields with Auntie K and cousin E to walk Puppy which I was worried about. Once I got up and about though and got Angel bathed and had some music on for a while I was okay and Auntie K was running late so Angel and I went over to see Nanny J for a while. I was worried about going out the front, but we went and Puppy was off his lead zooming around like mad. When we came back in it was just accepted that I was coming over here to have some lunch with Angel alone and we did just that. The afternoon was then mostly taken up with more work on the house, I cleared out six very very heavy bin bags of things and have still got more to sort through. I cleaned the cooker and grill, loads of plates and things and some drawers. I basically pushed myself too hard, to the limit, but I needed to keep busy.

I started to get tired around dinner time and hoped that some food would perk me up but after a quick visit to Nanny J to get some potato waffles from her freezer and to stroke the cat, then coming back here to have dinner, Angel was beginning to play up.

She messed about her dinner and since then she has been a terror, she hasn't even been making sense. By the end of her day I was trying desperately to hold in the tears but they kept overflowing. I walked out of her room after reading her a story and just cried.

I beginning to feel the anger soaking into me now, of why the hell should I have to play the single mum. But I know deep down that he only wanted to leave us to get things sorted. It wasn't that he couldn't be bothered to deal with us and everything else at home as well as his knees and his cold, was it? We're too much for him. I made him cry just crying myself. I feel so fucking weak and stupid. I know I won't ask for help, he wanted me here so I have help but the more I get like this the more I shut myself away. I will never ask for it, not ever, not even if it kills me. I will deal with it and kill myself in the process if I have to. I'm not like them. I'm a freak, always the black sheep, the outcast.

The bathroom at home isn't going so well, just t top things off. They haven't even found the pipe they're supposed to be digging down to yet and they went home at four. There is no floor in any of the bathroom and no bathroom furniture, it's basically just a hole. My hopes that they would get most of it done today and then only take tomorrow morning so that T and his dad could put the furniture back and be back here on Saturday isn't looking likely.

Another update is that my uncle is still in hospital; my nanny is still in denial. He is off the morphine now and still hasn't come around. They can't find any reactions or brain activity and they keep extending the 24 hours they're giving him to wake up. So yes not good. To top it off it is my nannies birthday on Sunday and I'm not even going to be there to make a card let alone giver her anything, especially at the hard time for her.

I don't feel like I want to wake up tomorrow. I have to though, I have to for Angel, I shouldn't even be having these thoughts knowing I have a small life to care for but I just can't relax, I can't shut off. I'm not safe, the germs are all around me and I can't get away from them.

Going away

Today started like any normal day, we got up (me struggling to fight through the meds) and had breakfast. We decided that although T was supposed to be working we would pop out to the banks to cash my cheque at last and then go to a shop to get a few things that we needed, both for the house and for my business.

When we arrived at the retail park I was already feeling on edge and shaky and then I spotted a friend which I had a falling out with and hadn't spoken to for ages. I immediately began to panic more, of all the days to bump into someone, today wasn't the day I was feeling strong enough to. We got out the car and went into the first shop with me slipping my mask firmly into place. I struggled with my panic but I forced myself to stay in the shop even when I spotted the person had come into there too.
We drove across the park to another shop and got out once I got myself vaguely ready. I don't know where my strength came from, the strength to get out of the car feeling as bad as I did, not knowing what to expect and somehow being able to hold a normal, even happy expression.

We approached and I don't remember what I did for sure but my intention had been to walk past without a word. She spoke to me though and I felt compelled to speak back although I could hear the unsure tone to my voice. We ended up talking for quite a while and sharing numbers and I was very surprised to hear that she hasn't been doing so well. We are back to talking and texting now so hopefully having someone she knows she can talk to will help.

When we got home, we realized that the drains had completely stopped working as well as the toilet so T had to call the home care team out again to sort it out. We wasn't sure what they'd be able to do and T told me how he would feel better knowing that we were in Norfolk with his family, with a working toilet and kitchen and shower and bath and sinks. We discussed it a bit and then it was all go. Since then I've been packing and packing and sorting and making lists and packing some more. I have just had a shower and sat down and the tears of fear, uncertainty, anxiety and depression have hit me.

The plan is that early tomorrow morning we will all get up and get loaded into the car (including the dog) and we will drive to Norfolk. There we will be staying in the annex/bungalow which is the place we would be living if we moved there. T will stay the night and most of the next day then come home so he's here for the workmen who're turning up on Thursday morning. This means leaving me, Angel and Puppy in Norfolk with his family. Up until that point I'm scared, worried and anxious but then the part where he leaves us, and it hits a whole new level of fear. The feelings I get when T and I are apart especially for more than a day are so deep and cutting that they physically cause pain. I can't eat or do anything, I'm just a shell. I really don't think I'm ready for him to leave us there, not when the last time I went was over 3 years ago and not a positive memory. T is sure we can do this, can make this work, I hope he's right.

I guess it's time to go to sleep now and take tomorrow a step at a time. We will find out whether my hard work gas paid off, whether I can cope or crumble.
Am I now strong enough to face fears that I haven't been able to face for over 6 years now?

Grr

Last night, after hours of looking at prices and deliberation, I finally bit the bullet and booked a room in the center of town for me and Angel for two nights when the work will be going on. I was pleased with it and even looking forward to mine and Angel's little holiday as well as us being able to give T some time off and a lay-in.

I'm guessing you're sensing a but here and you'd be right. T has a pre-op assessment on Friday and basically said that if I was going to be out all day and wouldn't come home to look after the dog (who doesn't need looking after) then he would cancel it. So I had to cancel the reservation so I can be at home to oversee the work that I didn't want to be here for so he will go to his appointment. I'm a ..bit.. pissed off.

To make matters worse; T used the toilet this morning and since it hasn't worked. Been trying to get it sorted all day but no luck so now we have a toilet which isn't working and he has no intention of calling up to ask to get the work done earlier. Not even sure if they could but there has to be an alternative to this. We have no ffing loo at all apart from a chemical loo which isn't a real one. Peeing I'm not so fussed about although I am quite private but no.2's well lets say that when I lived at my parents place I was bullied and told off so much for going that I stopped, I trained myself to only go every few weeks at the most and when no one was in the house. It would hurt me, make me poorly but it was better that than be disgusting or in the way of one of them. Sometimes I was in so much pain and felt so ill I was forced to do things that I'm not ready to admit yet. This has made me very sensitive to the whole thing as well as being sensitive about the toilet anyway. I won't use public loo's and there isn't a hope in hell of me using the chemical one. I have been training myself to wait a lot longer simply because I rarely get time with Angel, the house etc but that's different from not being able to let myself at all. If only I had the money, I would go and stay in a hotel for the week, but alas I don't have that much money so I guess bring on a week of pain and illness.

On a slightly brighter note before I stop, I popped out today on no loraz and brought some things for my business and we took puppy to a park, I walked him around when it was quite busy while T took Angel on the play area where dogs weren't aloud. It was okay apart from the stress of him pulling when other stupid dog owners weren't controlling their dogs and letting them run at him which riled him up. I spent the afternoon doing all the housework (back to normal) because T's knees were playing up and after doing it all, making dinner and taking puppy for a walk around the area past lots of weird people walking and in cars and smoking weed, alcohol, broken glass everywhere and even some of 'it' in one place. I did it though, in the dark, on my own, on no meds and having eaten earlier. Have to admit I don't feel safe in this area at the moment, the new lot that have come into the salvation army house on the opposite side of the road are very rough and bad.

Several days on

The day I last wrote was sometime a few days ago, (my brain is going to mush). I'm still not completely better but I'm a lot better than I was.
Thursday disappeared in a haze of 'what's going on again?' Friday we had to get the house ready for the man that has put the offer in on this house, he was coming to have another look before committing properly. T and I worked our butts off all morning and part of the afternoon to get the house looking at its best so we would have the best chance we could at him holding his offer. It was quite nerve wracking but he was a nice man and he said that he still wanted to go ahead with it. Phew, one hurdle jumped over. Now we are waiting to see if he has the bank statements to prove that he can pay what he says he can. Hopefully we will hear on Monday. Meanwhile T's family are working very hard on getting our 'house' over there sorted out, they're cleaning and tidying and moving things and have hired a skip for the weekend.

Next weekend T's dad is coming to stay with us as on Thursday we are having the men from DynoRod come back out to drill up the concrete bathroom floor to get to the pipe to repair it. It's going to take at least two days and then the bath and everything will have to be refitted. I had thought about taking Angel away for a night or two to a hotel in town so that we can do some shopping, looking around etc and be out of the way with a working loo, but I'm too scared to commit to it :/ I think that while I'm online I will look up prices though, it won't very nice for us here with all that going on, we will be disrupted and not have a loo again which presses major buttons.

Anyway before I do that, the other news is that the appointment came through for T's first knee operation; its's booked for the 28th this month and we really need to know where we stand with the house move by then because if he has the op done he wont be able to walk or do much for about 6 weeks, which may well be around the time of the move and I will have the added work of packing etc on my own as well as everything else. So it's all resting on the events which are yet to come.

T's mum wants us to go and visit them soon to check the annex will work for us, to get a feel for it etc. I'm scared, no I'm effing petrified but I want to do it and it's the desire to do it which will help me carry it through. It will have to been the weekend after next because the following one is near T's knee op and the one before is when the house is in pieces. So this weekend is my only weekend just for us and some peace.

Before I go on my web search I want to talk about today. I wasn't at all sure about going out, in fact I was very scared and unconvinced I would be able to go. I took half a lorazapam and took my time getting myself and the bags ready, then we got into the car and I was still not at all convinced but I could feel the loraz just starting to work and I made myself stay in the car. I didn't get out when we got to the banks but when we got to the library I got out and went in without even the tiniest thought not to. I was relaxed and looked at the books and talked with Angel and went off on my own for a while to collect some books for me.

We left with me feeling positive and we went to another shop, T went into the supermarket and I took Angel into the craft store alone, we looked around the whole thing but nothing tickled our fancy and we came out just in time to meet T. We were going to go to another shop but Angel was getting very moody for her lunch so we decided to come home and make something. Tomorrow we have a few ideas about what to do but I guess it's dependent on the weather.

A bit of a moan

This is less of a blog entry and more of a moan and a distraction. Yesterday after yet another argument with T he decided that I should have the day of Angel care, housework and cooking today and instead spend the day writing or doing whatever I wanted.
I really didn't believe him after all the other plans we'd had to do that that failed. However he insisted and I ended up upstairs at the desk with my lap top and work.

I found it hard to concentrate at first then I got into it and fell into the story. However not long after I got into it, I started to feel poorly. I thought it would go away buy its so far just gotten worse and worse.
I managed to force some dinner down and had an ice lolly which felt wonderful on my throat.

Now I'm sitting on the sofa in the cold, with a one of the worst sore throats I've ever had where it hurts to breathe or turn my head let alone eat or talk. I have earache that feels like my head is being drilled and I can't hear anything properly. Every part of my body aches and I'm cold and hot at the same time. My phobia is triggered and I'm struggling to get even one of my meds into me, not just because of the pain but the fear and panic too.

I know I'm not the only person feeling this bad though, I hope my friend feels better soon too x