Today I have spent most of the day questioning whether to travel back to the midlands with T or whether to stay here and look after Angel as I have been doing. There are so many arguments for and against going back. Some if which are to say goodbye properly, just in case I don't ever go back. The other is to pack and sort and get things ready - something I can't do while I'm constantly caring for Angel alone. I asked my sister to come spend at least a few days with me but her answer was no, even though she knows she wont get to see us or her niece for at least 2 months after. I asked my only friend I'm the midlands and he said no. It brought it all back to me, refreshed the feeling of loneliness I have there, the major lack of any form of support which is why we wanted to move here to begin with.
Now in swaying back towards staying here, trouble with that Is how clingy I feel to T knowing next week he will be having his op and I can't be with him. I'm terrified after his last procedure that something will go wrong. I'm scared of losing him. So scared I don't want to let him out of my sight. When I think of losing him it just breaks my heart, he's my everything. I wouldn't be alive if I hadn't met him. Even with his family for support I don't think id get over losing him.
I can tell I'm worried, I'm not eating much and I'm tidying. I tidied and cleaned our bungalow including all the pets then went over to the parents house and cleaned and tidied their living room and kitchen. T's mum still has a sinus infection and not feeling well :( so I decided to do all the tidying and cleaning so she doesn't have to get up and have to do it tomorrow.
We went out in the car today, well not our car as T's dad was working on it, so we took T's dads car. I'd taken half a loraz and I was scared of travelling in another car. It's a big scary for me. I distracted myself on the drive to the shop by looking at all the snow covered houses and all the shops and things we have here. I was nervous when I first went into the shop but I seemed to relax and was okay so went went a few mins down the road to a supermarket. Supermarkets on a Saturday at lunch time are horrendous, they are busy and cramped, but I was okay, even in the crowds, even on my own or off with Angel alone. I even suggested we have lunch in the cafe there and we were going to until we noticed the queue which was very long. We are some food in the car then travelled home and I was fine even though I'd eaten.
Yes some of it was me but thank goodness for loraz! Now to try to get some sleep.
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