Going away

Today started like any normal day, we got up (me struggling to fight through the meds) and had breakfast. We decided that although T was supposed to be working we would pop out to the banks to cash my cheque at last and then go to a shop to get a few things that we needed, both for the house and for my business.

When we arrived at the retail park I was already feeling on edge and shaky and then I spotted a friend which I had a falling out with and hadn't spoken to for ages. I immediately began to panic more, of all the days to bump into someone, today wasn't the day I was feeling strong enough to. We got out the car and went into the first shop with me slipping my mask firmly into place. I struggled with my panic but I forced myself to stay in the shop even when I spotted the person had come into there too.
We drove across the park to another shop and got out once I got myself vaguely ready. I don't know where my strength came from, the strength to get out of the car feeling as bad as I did, not knowing what to expect and somehow being able to hold a normal, even happy expression.

We approached and I don't remember what I did for sure but my intention had been to walk past without a word. She spoke to me though and I felt compelled to speak back although I could hear the unsure tone to my voice. We ended up talking for quite a while and sharing numbers and I was very surprised to hear that she hasn't been doing so well. We are back to talking and texting now so hopefully having someone she knows she can talk to will help.

When we got home, we realized that the drains had completely stopped working as well as the toilet so T had to call the home care team out again to sort it out. We wasn't sure what they'd be able to do and T told me how he would feel better knowing that we were in Norfolk with his family, with a working toilet and kitchen and shower and bath and sinks. We discussed it a bit and then it was all go. Since then I've been packing and packing and sorting and making lists and packing some more. I have just had a shower and sat down and the tears of fear, uncertainty, anxiety and depression have hit me.

The plan is that early tomorrow morning we will all get up and get loaded into the car (including the dog) and we will drive to Norfolk. There we will be staying in the annex/bungalow which is the place we would be living if we moved there. T will stay the night and most of the next day then come home so he's here for the workmen who're turning up on Thursday morning. This means leaving me, Angel and Puppy in Norfolk with his family. Up until that point I'm scared, worried and anxious but then the part where he leaves us, and it hits a whole new level of fear. The feelings I get when T and I are apart especially for more than a day are so deep and cutting that they physically cause pain. I can't eat or do anything, I'm just a shell. I really don't think I'm ready for him to leave us there, not when the last time I went was over 3 years ago and not a positive memory. T is sure we can do this, can make this work, I hope he's right.

I guess it's time to go to sleep now and take tomorrow a step at a time. We will find out whether my hard work gas paid off, whether I can cope or crumble.
Am I now strong enough to face fears that I haven't been able to face for over 6 years now?