Thurs 10th Jan 2013

I don't really feel all that much like writing now but I know that if I don't get this down then I will regret it.

Tuesday morning we got up early and with most things having been put in the car the night before, there wasn't much left to do so after breakfast we left. For some reason I only took half a lorazapam and not even a blue tablet but a white one which is only half the dose of the blue. We set off and as usual I was terrified and kept wanting to ask T to turn back, I had to fight the instinct to not get further away which we were doing every minute. We got stuck in traffic a few times and in that respect it wasn't the best of journeys, but I managed to stay 'okay' even when Puppy was poorly twice and when Angel started to get fidgety and moody towards the end. I don't know for the life of me how I did it, I just did, I can't explain it.

When we first arrived it wasn't long before we had the onslaught of many excited family members and during that time we had to drag all the bags in and start getting the bungalow into shape. It was a much worse state than I feared; every available surface was filled with boxes and bags and pots of things, all piled high and covered with dust and dead insects. I was no sooner through the door and I began cleaning things. I started in the bedroom, making the bedroom into two using the furniture to section half of it off and then I tidied it all and swept the floor. Meanwhile T started on the kitchen which was in the worst shape and of course we would need most. I moved into the bathroom and filled another two big bags of stuff, old bottles, medical kits which had instruments in that even T didn't know what they were. I then moved into the hallway and cleared all of that then to help T in the kitchen. By the end of the day we had a bedroom, a bathroom, a hallway, a living room/dining room and a little kitchen; enough to cook on. I think that most of the day I was in denial about actually being here. T kept going over to see his family and at times I did too, but what I really wanted to do was crack on and make this into our home. At one point in the day while we were tidying and cleaning Angel was playing with cousin K (who I actually dislike because of the way she acts and when Angel is with her she picks up very bad habits that I hate) anyway she was playing with cousin K and then I blinked and cousin E was there too toddling round. Went out the room and came back in again and there was cousin R in the corner. Five minutes later Cousin B and A were also here and all six of the cousins were chasing around and around the chairs until Angel fell over and hurt herself and the rest got told off by Auntie K. (It's all very complicated, poor Cousin K and R have two auntie K's, we have the same names and the same three initials too and of course the same sir name, very confuzzleating. Auntie K is wonderful, she has helped get us settled in so much, she's done everything she can and I don't think I'd have settled so well without her. Angel loves playing with her daughter cousin E too and she's adorable and quiet and relaxed and very very well behaved so perfect company and nearer Angel's age.

The plan as of Tuesday night was that the following day T would go back home with his dad (granddad R) and me and Angel would stay here with Puppy. As you read before, I wasn't keen on the idea in the least and when I went to bed on Tuesday night I was still as unconvinced. Wednesday T was feeling a bit rough with the same thing that me and most other people have had lately, the whole dreaded virus/infection thing. He popped out to do some shopping with his mum (Nanny J) and test how well I did on my own here.  I was fine at first, then Auntie K came over, still fine, then Auntie B came over with Cousin K and it got louder and more uncomfortable. I was hoping to just have a chat then them leave so we could have a quiet lunch, but Auntie B suggested to the girls, without asking me whether they'd like to all eat together. I then had no choice because I was put in a position where Angel was set on going. I knew that for my own sanity I needed to go over there so that I could watch and help protect her from the germs best I could, if only putting hand gel on her before she ate. This though meant that I had to shut Puppy outside and feed him out there because I didn't have time to do my usual routine of feeding him, letting him out to do his business then going out and leaving him with his toys or a bone. I felt guilty about that. I was too late to help prepare the lunch although auntie K did it so I felt a little more comfy, it's just I know about the germs that sometimes linger here and no one else is bothered obviously because they don't have the fear I do. While Angel ate I just sat there with my mask on, holding it all in and feeling my stomach rumbling and my blood sugar dropping lower. In the end T came home with the shopping and I came over to help him put it away leaving Angel over there (I didn't want to) and when we got through the door I burst into tears. I told T how I felt, how I couldn't cope without him here and we decided to all go home that evening, kind of anyway, then T just started getting upset and I felt guilty for breaking down on him and let him go get some rest.

He really didn't want us at home, he said he knew how disruptive it would be and there'd be no toilet, sink, bath, shower or any water until they go home at night after the work. The work starts on Thursday morning (today) and is supposed to finish on Friday but T thought that was hopeful thinking; that the bathroom probably wouldn't be refitted until Saturday night at the earliest.

So I felt forced to make the decision to stay here on my own with my puppy and my daughter, responsible for both of them and getting the house cleaned and tidied and more like a home as well as making meals, looking after myself, fighting off the panic and fears and phobia and like I'm doing now crumbling.

T left and I just burst into even more tears, fighting every instinct to stop him from going and leaving me. In the end  I was making myself feel so ill that I took a quarter of a loraz and rang my sister. We chatted for an hour and by the end of it I was feeling happier and a lot less depressed. I then watched a DVD, did some cross-stitching and then went to bed after a quick wash of my hair.

Angel woke me up at half past five and although it was early she at my request sat in bed reading her books while I let Puppy out and did his breakfast. By the time I'd done all that I was awake more and we both had our breakfast. I was feeling pretty positive about the day, although I'd planned to go over the fields with Auntie K and cousin E to walk Puppy which I was worried about. Once I got up and about though and got Angel bathed and had some music on for a while I was okay and Auntie K was running late so Angel and I went over to see Nanny J for a while. I was worried about going out the front, but we went and Puppy was off his lead zooming around like mad. When we came back in it was just accepted that I was coming over here to have some lunch with Angel alone and we did just that. The afternoon was then mostly taken up with more work on the house, I cleared out six very very heavy bin bags of things and have still got more to sort through. I cleaned the cooker and grill, loads of plates and things and some drawers. I basically pushed myself too hard, to the limit, but I needed to keep busy.

I started to get tired around dinner time and hoped that some food would perk me up but after a quick visit to Nanny J to get some potato waffles from her freezer and to stroke the cat, then coming back here to have dinner, Angel was beginning to play up.

She messed about her dinner and since then she has been a terror, she hasn't even been making sense. By the end of her day I was trying desperately to hold in the tears but they kept overflowing. I walked out of her room after reading her a story and just cried.

I beginning to feel the anger soaking into me now, of why the hell should I have to play the single mum. But I know deep down that he only wanted to leave us to get things sorted. It wasn't that he couldn't be bothered to deal with us and everything else at home as well as his knees and his cold, was it? We're too much for him. I made him cry just crying myself. I feel so fucking weak and stupid. I know I won't ask for help, he wanted me here so I have help but the more I get like this the more I shut myself away. I will never ask for it, not ever, not even if it kills me. I will deal with it and kill myself in the process if I have to. I'm not like them. I'm a freak, always the black sheep, the outcast.

The bathroom at home isn't going so well, just t top things off. They haven't even found the pipe they're supposed to be digging down to yet and they went home at four. There is no floor in any of the bathroom and no bathroom furniture, it's basically just a hole. My hopes that they would get most of it done today and then only take tomorrow morning so that T and his dad could put the furniture back and be back here on Saturday isn't looking likely.

Another update is that my uncle is still in hospital; my nanny is still in denial. He is off the morphine now and still hasn't come around. They can't find any reactions or brain activity and they keep extending the 24 hours they're giving him to wake up. So yes not good. To top it off it is my nannies birthday on Sunday and I'm not even going to be there to make a card let alone giver her anything, especially at the hard time for her.

I don't feel like I want to wake up tomorrow. I have to though, I have to for Angel, I shouldn't even be having these thoughts knowing I have a small life to care for but I just can't relax, I can't shut off. I'm not safe, the germs are all around me and I can't get away from them.