Falling apart

Today has been tough for me, the hardest since arriving in Norfolk over a week ago now. I can't really say what happened to trigger it but I woke up feeling very low and unhappy. I cried lots, shouted at T on the phone, got annoyed and upset with Angel and shut us away for the morning and part of the afternoon. Angel was bored but I was too edgy and depressed to go outside even across to the field or the house even with the snow and I was too much in a bad state to ask for help, all my triggers were off and I was very angry and down on myself. K came to 'call' for us to go over the field with the other kids who were all off today but I just couldn't face it. When she called on us a second time I despite my major panic went out and we walked up the field to where the others were playing. I was very very anxious but I communicated as best I could and helped Angel and cousin K go up and down the slopes. I didn't calm down until we were almost back to the house though and I'm feeling very worn out from all the anxiety. While we waited for dinner to cook Angel played with her cousins then we came over to our bungalow for dinner which she ate really well.

I'm feeling so on edge and panicky now that I've barely done anything all night and now there is no way I can even lay down let alone sleep.

Tomorrow T is coming back for the weekend and not a moment too soon. I'm stressing about what he's bringing with him and what we might need and what we might forget and want which isn't helping. To be honest tonight I don't even feel like I can make if through the night. I don't even know how I will cope with tomorrow. I want to go home, the trouble is, I don't know where home is anymore.
I'm do scared. I need my rock, my husband and he isn't here where I need him. I'm barely holding onto what ever it is, sanity, calm etc by my nails. If something was to happen tonight I think it would be the final push.