T went back to the Midlands today, I didn't want to let him go, I almost cried in front of everyone but I held it back with all my might, not wanting those around me to see how weak I was feeling, how vulnerable and hurt.
I forced myself to stay in the main house and let Angel play with her cousin E but when she went home and I wasn't feeling up to going with them, I gave in and came back over here. I closed the curtains and just shut us in making sure I had plenty of things for Angel to do. It wasn't really fair of me I guess but I just couldn't face anyone.
I managed to keep my emotions in check while we went for a short walk around the field with Puppy being a naughty boy because of seeing rabbits, and with Angel being moody about certain things.
It was hard and it seemed as though the day lasted a lot longer than usual. I tried to keep distracted by doing little jobs and things but I just couldn't keep the cold out of my insides.
I was just starting to feel a bit better after a facetime call with T, then I got a text from Nanny J about things I'm apparently doing wrong according to T's sister E who is in the annex next door and not at all happy about us moving in here. Things I might like to add that we've been doing for the past two weeks now and had no comment or anything before now, and now suddenly we are doing things wrong. I hate her, she certainly knows how to choose the right time to do things, she always knows how to kick me when I'm down and I'm down. The only reason I'm not slicing myself up is because of Angel, because if I can't look after her then I really have no purpose and may as well be dead.
I know I don't always feel like this but today I feel weak and useless. In only pray that I have the strength to look after Angel over the coming days and then to cope and be able to look after her and T after he's had his operation.
As far as I can see right now, there is nothing to look forward to, it's going to get harder, the only saving grace is that T will be with me.
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