Sunday

I was hoping that I would get a chance to write this yesterday so everything was fresh but I ended up having barely any spare time between housework and social time.

We planned to drive into town and have a look round the shops, but I was feeling anxious and not at all sure. In the end I took a meagre quarter of a lorazapam expecting not to be able to go, so not wanting to take too much and 'waste' it. I had a few aconite too and then we got into T's dad's car and we drove into the town which is only about ten mins away at the most. We parked up in the ice rink of a car park and I forced myself not to think about and just got out. We walked from the car park to the shops which was a walk away in the slippery ice and snow. We went into a few shops and had a look around to see which other shops are around there. It was like a proper little snowy village. I was a little anxious but I was okay and by the time we had looked in the shops we wanted to look in, I was getting hungry and we decided to go into the big bakery they have in town and actually sit in there and have some lunch. I actually wanted to, I took Angel to the toilet first while T got the food and usually the location of the toilets in the place would have bothered me as they were up 3 flights of stairs and around a corner and down a corridor then another corridor!! Somehow I was alright though and I hadn't scoped out the shop as I usually would to find the disabled toilet; I didn't even think of it and I also didn't have the car keys, I only just thought of that now. I ate more or less a while chicken slice before I started to get a little more anxious. Angel also ate nearly a whole chicken slice and then we walked slowly back to the car with some cakes for later. The journey back was okay despite me having eaten and then when we got back to the house we decided to stay in the main house with everyone else instead of hiding as I usually would when I've eaten. I also had my first cup of coffee over here, I didn't watch it being made but managed to trust Nanny J enough to make it and keep it germ free. I also chomped a nanny J cookie and had some chocolates.

Another huge thing for me is lightning the open fire they have in the living room over here. When I was extremely poorly years before, the night before we were so ill, we lit the fire so it really stands out in my mind and triggers my PTSD. It was very cold though and the desire to watch a roaring fire and poke it won out over my fear and T and I lit it. During our time over the main house I was receiving texts from my family, poking me and moaning at me about my estrangement from my mum. It really upset me but looking into the fire and imagining all my hurt burning away helped me, as well as a smoke outside in the falling snow even though it was freezing.

The texts continued on into the evening and although they were depressing and upsetting me, I carried on okay and I don't think I was too bad company. T, Grandad R and I moved the sofa over so that we have a sofa at ours now and then we came back over to the main house and sat in the kitchen making home made waffles and talking to nanny J, Grandad R, Auntie B and Uncle K. We had a really good chat and a laugh and I felt much happier for it, I felt like I was accepted and belonged.

When we got back over to our place, T went to bed and I decided to have a bath and I guess a pamper session. I used my new bath things I got for Yule (T brought them up this time for me) and I took my time using nice wash things, washing my hair and just laying in the warm water trying to relax.



Just been triggered as I've been writing this, I'm sitting in the main house with T working beside me, Angel and two of her cousins in here, Nanny J, Grandad R, auntie K and uncle K. Auntie K's sister had her baby on Friday and they've all been talking about that, that is triggering enough but now K is going over there to take the baby for a few hours while her sister gets to have a relaxing bath and some time off. This really really gets my back up, yes I'm jealous and bitter because I didn't have that, I never had that when Angel was a baby and she was a very very hard baby to look after with her constant crying because of her pain and colic and she started teething at only two weeks old. So yes I'm jealous and angry and bitter.

Auntie K did come and stay with us for a night or so after Angel was born and she told me if I needed a rest she would look after her so I could get some sleep. I did ask, I got over my pride and asked one night when I'd had no sleep at all since the night before I'd given birth and I was in so much pain, so tired and upset and scared. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't want to be doing it, I was a wreck and I didn't feel like T was doing much, this was partly my fault due to the choice to breastfeed which meant that I had to do the feeds every bloody time, I wish I hadn't.
Anyway K had Angel for two hours but then Angel got to crying so much that I had to be gotten up and take over again because she needed feeding. So yes that was the time I got off until Angel was about one and I had stopped breast feeding. Even so since she was born, I can probably count the amount of time I've spent away from her on two hands.

Speaking of which, I need to move my arse now and make Angel's lunch.