At the moment I'm sitting in mc Donald's over half an hour from my new home. It wasn't the nicest drive to get here, lots of fast roads and angel and me were very anxious and uncertain. We arrived at the big shop and somehow I found the confidence to get out of the car and go inside. I was very on edge but we looked all around and T even went off to get me something for my birthday and I stayed with Angel alone without the keys. The shop was the same shop that they have where I used to live but this one is like 6 times the size! They sell so much craft stuff and kitchen things and all sorts. We had a long walk round and then we all started to get hungry so we went back to the car. I was starting to feel quite anxious by this point just because of how I felt on the ride there and I knew the ride back would be soon. We ended up having to go out of the retail park and back in again, round roundabouts which made my stomach feel even worse on top of the anxiety. I took some aconite and half a lorazepam and sat outside the Restaurant in the car while Angel and T had their lunch. After a text from T telling me that angel was missing me, i gathered my confidence together, got out the car and went inside despite the fact that we weren't anywhere near the restaurant and it was very packed inside to the point where people were waiting for tables. I know the lorazepam wasn't working by this point but somehow knowing it was our last day together before T's operation, I pushed hard and went in despite the panic to take my rightful place at the table with my little family. I was extremely on edge and had to do bridging to keep myself in the moment, but somehow I managed to eat a little and then when we went back out to the car I didn't want to travel back home but... I just did.
By the time we got closer to home I was feeling a bit better not completely better just a little, so I asked T if we could stop off at the supermarket to get couple of things.
The short stop at the supermarket turned into a slow casual look around even though I'd eaten and it was in the afternoon so it was quite busy, and although I still anxious I wasn't having a panic attack.
The plan for this weekend to be a family weekend so that we could be together before T's operation kind of got lost in all the hectic activity that happens over here with so many family around. It's okay though, I'm feeling like I got quality time with T and Angel and I can't wait to have him back even though I will be primary carer for months.
I want to write in here about my day on Friday, yesterday (Saturday) we went out for a quick drive in the morning then in the evening K, M and their children came over and Me and K did a joint effort on dinner.
Friday was odd, another if you find my lack of confidence, please hand it in days.
I got up not really expecting to do very much And then T text me to find out if I could get a tank for our fish because bringing the one from home would be too hard. I instantly thought of K and an hour later we were in the car heading down to the local pet shop to have a look at tanks with Angel and cousin E with us. This time I was only on half a lorazepam and a bit of aconite and I was more nervous than the first time I went out with her but I knew it was something that needed to be done to make it easier for T to get here. We spent quite a while looking at the tanks and then looking around at all sorts of things and by the time we left I was feeling a little less anxious and had brought a new tank set up complete with pink stones chosen by Angel.
K then asked me whether I felt up to going to Morrison's to get a few bits and bobs and strangely I'd put my shopping list in my pocket before coming out and although I was scared I decided to go and try it.
The shop was packed!! absolutely chockablock full!! I somehow managed to get round the shop completing my shopping list and getting other things I hadn't thought to write down as well. It was mayhem there, but finally we paid and got back to the main house where we decided to have lunch in the main kitchen with Nanny J and another of Angel's cousins.
Something else I'd like to add here is that when we got back and Angel needed a wee instead of using the small downstairs toilet like I would usually, I took her up to the upstairs bathroom. It doesn't sound
all that look all that scary in words but this was a major thing for me. I hadn't been in this bathroom for years; since I was very very poorly in there on boxing day a few years ago. I still have to fight PTSD from the event and I have always been convinced that if I ever went in there again, then like a curse I would get it happen all over again. I honestly don't know where my confidence comes from just lately but not only did I go in there and sort Angel out, we then went down to the breakfast bar to eat publicly like I did that horrible winter. I felt okay.
I'm beginning to get tired now, I'm now writing this at home, T has left with his mum and dad to go back to the midlands for him to have his operation tomorrow morning. I've spent most of the last few days working myself as hard as I can to try and forget and distract but I still kept finding myself in tears, I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time last night and I can see tonight going the same way. I can't seem to be able to see past the fear that he will go in and I will never see him again. It hurts so much, and he is very positive about it but I just feel like I'm becoming numb now. I know that if he left, then Angel wouldn't just lose one parent, she'd lose two. Yep here I go setting myself off again, my tummy is already not happy at all.
I'm going to go and get some more things done to distract then go to bed early.
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