Proving myself

Yesterday but long after I finished the blog entry, T's family arrived and at once my mask slipped into place. There were times when it was hard but more because of depression than panic. I had no meds and I stayed calm all day even eating. I scared myself at times. Realising I wasn't faking the smile on my lips, they were real smiles and I was having fun.
In the evening T and Angel went out with them the a big meal but I just knew I wasn't up to going so I stayed home and cried and did housework. I felt so alone when I should have been with my family. They had a great time though. Throughout the day they all kept coming back to the move and our visit which should be middle of January. I kinda felt a bit like everything was being planned and i didn't even know yet, yes I decided that we would move there but every time the idea settles into place, my mind fills up with doubts and fears and I talk myself out of it again.

Last night when Angel was asleep in bed we decided to have a TV night. It would have been lovely and relaxing if I hadn't accidentally completely ODed on caffeine. We knew id had a lot but looking over the ingredients and things today, I had far far more than we first thought.
It was horrible. I had major shakes, my temperature was sky high, my heart wouldn't stop racing and my metabolism kicked up causing hunger pangs and nausea even after I ate. I didn't feel like I could breathe and I couldn't see properly or walk. Scary, very scary. I don't think it would have been so bad if I wasn't exhausted from not much sleep the night before.

Today I woke up okay and after much worrying, a quarter of a loraz and a bit of aconite we went to some shops to pick me up some scales for the kitchen. I was terrified but I persuaded myself out of the car and into the shop. I felt bordering on normal thanks to loraz. I went round that shop then T took Angel to the car to move it, I surprised him by saying that I would walk the whole way across the retail park. I did fine, I went in shops and then the biggest challenge of all; T suggested we eat lunch out. I again was very worried and unsure but I went in and focussed on Angel. I ate a meal out in public.

The plan for the afternoon was to tidy and pack some of the house. First though we took puppy out for a walk, straight after lunch! We walked a long route and he was well behaved.

Trapped inside

As predicted the goal for today completely failed. I'm now stuck at home while T and Angel are out having fun.

It's been nearly a month since I went out properly on foot past the postbox and it's been nearly 2 weeks since I went to the postbox and longer since going in the car.
The longer I go without going out the harder it is to do it.

The things against me today were the low level nausea feeling I still have which Im thinking must be hormones. I also wasn't ready to go out. We had an hour to get out and do things before T's family and T spent most of that time in the bathroom which left no time for me to get ready so when he stood at the door a minute ago asking if I'm ready to go the answer had to be no. How am I supposed to get ready when I can't even do my teeth.

I sooooo don't want to be near his family today as much as I like them I'm in that phase where I want to hide and having a house full of people isn't what I need. Again he didn't want to cancel so I have no choice and he wonders why I get moody and argumentative.

I don't know what to do now, I want to say that I will hide out if the way when they're here but I want to be near Angel I feel so yacky and horrible in my tummy from the stress and everything. Today will be hard.

Lack of self belief

My night was full if nightmares, nightmares that didn't just cover one topic but all the things that are bothering me, scaring me and upsetting me. It was an onslaught if one after another. One of which involved some of T's family visiting and bringing with them a tummy bug. Tomorrow his family are coming to visit, I am terrified. I've tried to talk to him but he won't cancel. I'm not up to even socialising with people but I don't seem to have a choice.

When I got up this morning I really didn't want to. I didn't have the energy to fight the sleep and I didn't want to face the world. I don't really remember what was the trigger to get me awake but I got up and dressed and went downstairs. I was half asleep, almost as if my body and mind refused to wake up properly as a form of protection so I couldn't feel how I'm feeling. If that makes any sense at all.

When i realised that it wasn't going to get me anywhere, T wanted to get onto his work and Angel wanted her mum, I somehow managed to get moving.
The morning was actually okay in tend of looking after Angel and puppy but come 12 yet again They both turned evil and with my blood sugar dropping because j needed lunch it started to slip and go wrong.

I almost lost it in the afternoon again but somehow just just managed to hang on with my teeth.

The plan for tomorrow is that when we get up we have breakfast then drive up to the big shop and have a look for some nice food for over new year, spending a voucher we were given for the shop there. I would like to believe I can do it or at least try but I don't think I will.

As i said above, T's brother, sister in law and their three children are coming and I do don't want them too.

With all the stress, anxiety and stress my tummy has been feeling icky so tonight I've taken a blue tablet to try and settle it and make me sleep.

Vexed

I'm really pissed off which may make this entry shitty to read and I don't blame you if you'd rather not.

Today started okay, I got up to my alarm for once and T went out to work for the first time in about a week and I did the housewife thing of staying home and looking after everything. The morning was fine, the puppy messed me about when he got too excited but apart from that it was alright. Me and Angel had a nice time doing colouring and stickers, jigsaws and having lunch. After lunch we played with some playdoh then T came home. Angel started playing up, she seemed to be tired and if I was home alone I wouldn't have put her in her cot because every time I do I find it too stressful and end up self harming etc. I was very unsure about it but T wanted her to go have a nap. He took her up and from the moment it was suggested she cried, played up and moaned. T kept going back into her and she continued to mess about. I started to get angry, not just from her but from him too, the way they were both hitting off each other and the noise and everything. I was already pissed off when she was brought back downstairs. My mood went further and further downhill as we took the tree down( I'd had enough of it) and then tidied and stuff. The puppy kept playing up, biting etc and I was so fucked off with the noise if him being told off. I told T, although it was obvious anyway, how annoyed I was getting, and how much i wanted to self harm. especially as I was trying to move the furniture in the room back to normal. I think Angel the only one not peeing me off really. I decided to put puppy in the garden for 5 mins to calm him down and me down too. He refused to and tripped me up and that was it, I lost it. I made a big dent in the wall from slamming it open. I shouted and I told T I just needed up get out. I went upstairs and grabbed a blade, grabbed a coat and went out, kissing Angel along the way then slamming the door in my anger.

I walked up the road and around the corner into an industrial estate when barely anyone would be. I sat down on a wall and just stared at nothing. I thought about everything. I wanted to go further, walk until my feet bled but my stupid fears and anxiety kept me there, not far from the house. So angry with myself.

I know I couldn't hide for long, T text mr to ask about dinner and whether he should do it. I took a few more minutes then came home ready for the mental beating, the shouting, anger and shunning but it never came. I got back, made sure Anfel was okay and T was behaving normal as if nothing happened. This peed me off more. He's still behaving normal now and I can't understand that. I need to be hurt, I don't care how but I need it.

Siting here now I can feel my anger riding again. I'm a fucking bitch, a disgusting excuse for a wife and mother and part of me hopes that when I tell T I can't go to Norfolk with him that he will leave me here. I can die, it's the least I deserve to miss out on my child's life, miss out on a new life. I'm not ready for it, I don't deserve it and I certainly don't want to be included and loved. I'm am a disgusting little fucker, was from the day I was burn, fucking hideous both inside and out. I shouldn't have survived this far, I don't deserve a life like normal people, I'm not normal.
When Angel goes to bed I'm going to go and be alone.

I don't believe this they're at it again, arguing and shouting.

Just fuck it.

So is this goodbye? (No talk of suicide)

I haven't stopped thinking about the idea to move to Norfolk. Is it an idea or a plan now? I don't know. I think in my mind its still only an idea but in T's mind it's happening.

If I leave here I leave my old life and my family behind. There aren't many people I will miss. I guess that there was always the hope in my mind of seeing my mum again, taking to her, smiling with her. But it's a broken dream, I have hurt her more than anyone can imagine and she's hurt me just the same. But that doesn't mean that leaving for good is going to be easy. I don't know if u could go as far as to say I will miss my dad all that much but he's still my dad. I think out if everyone he's the one that's most likely to come and visit.

My baby sister might be selfish and mum like at times but I love her so much and the thought of barely seeing her hurts so much. All those times I looked after her, taught her everything and protected her. She's thinking of moving away to uni but I'm not convinced she will go, if she decided to then I guess it would make it a little easier. Ill never forget how it tore us both apart when I left her at mum and dads house and moved out alone. Her broke her so much that day, can I do that again but far worse?

Kardi is another person which would miss terribly, we have always been so close since he was born 5 weeks after me. I can't imagine a life without him in it and I know I will hurt him so much to leave him.

My nanny is the last person that I will miss, I keep telling myself I rarely see her anyway but it's different living nearby and rarely visiting to saying goodbye for the last time, knowing that when I see her again it will be in her coffin.

I feel so torn, like T shouldn't be asking me to leave what little I have left while at the same time he has a huge family that love him and Ari and I would be a complete bitch to deprive them of the copious amounts of love there.

I suppose today isn't a good day to be thinking like this, especially as its the day when only a few years ago I was the Illest I have ever ever been and today my anxiety, PTSD, Panic and OCD us at iits worst.

So far today I have tried to pretend it isn't today. I've spent 2 hours cleaning non-stop until I forgot to put something into me for my blood sugars sake.

I can't think right now, I'm messing myself up with these thoughts.

In hoping my bestest friend is okay, today is just as if not harder for her.

Back to cleaning and loud music, the only way to forget.

The angels, gods and goddesses watching over, please help me at this crossroad.

Changing hearts

It's been a nightmare over the past few days with the toilet breaking and the workmen coming out all hours if the day digging up the back garden, removing the bathroom furniture including the toilet, mud everywhere and us completely exhausted with no toilet. We have a barely working one to use until the new year but its better than nothing.

Today was Yule and we got up early and had our breakfast, got dressed and then opened our presents. It was lovely, Angel was so excited and it was a huge treat after the last few days. It was later than expected when we'd finished so I had a rush to get the lunch sorted I just managed it and we had a homemade pie with veg which was lovely and worth the effort.

I spoke with my sister partway though lunch and she was as good as in tears on the phone with stress from trying to choose a uni to go to and dad withholding her Christmas present and not getting her anything else in the mean time and him being very moody and grumpy with her as well as Us and her getting no help from her mum at all. I almost felt bad for my thoughts about her earlier in the week but I didn't feel guilty, she should have told me instead of coming across as a poo head. T decided to go pick her up and she's staying over tonight. It's been nice chatting with her but T and I have also been having a serious talk about moving to Norfolk. This came about even more seriously yesterday when we had an offer put in on our house. We did some sums and decided, that in light of house prices dropping, to accept even though it was a lot lower than ideal.
After the phone call to accept, T got straight back onto the phone to his parents to tell them our plans and ideas. His bitch sister( the one we don't like) taking over part of the annex threw a spanner in the works although we could still make the smaller space work temporarily. I started having doubts and basically talked myself out of it. I think it was a relief to get a spanner in the works, maybe it was the jerk I needed to see the major negative and unknown side to going.
The main things that worry me are

1, at least one of us will have to get a full time low paid job to keep us tide over until T has done his plumbing course and got up and running.

2, his knees and the ops he needs and the time it will take to heal before he can properly for or do anything.

3, space, where we will put everything.

4, them finding out the real me.

5, the germs

6, having to allow others time with my Angel and feeling like I'm skiving on her care.

7, both T and Angel realising what a monster they live with when they have his family to compare me too and I will stick out like a fluorescent glow stick. Who will Angel want to be with; her nanny who cooks with her, is nice and treats her all the time or me who gets angry lots, shouts and terrifies her and pushes and upsets her. T and Ari will grow towards his family and in the end when they all get to know the real me no one will want me and ill be alone. At least ill know that they're safe and happy there in a way that I can't make them happy. I can then die.

Tomorrow Ts parents are coming to visit and his mum has, as I expected taken our ideas to mean its definite that were going, T really wants to be near them.

I'm going to have to try to get so sleep now. Tomorrow will bring what it brings.

That is how I felt yesterday but today after the visit with Ts mum and dad I'm feeling more positive, that a move might be best. All the plus sides we will get out of it, all of the bonuses and happiness and one of the things I'm most afraid of; freedom at last. A support network, living in a rural area, beach within an hours drive, great shopping villages and towns, great schools for Angel. Living near her family who adore her. Acres of land to run around in and 5 cousins to play with. I will be finally able to learn to drive and get a car. More time for my work and is very rarely have to be alone if I chose not to be but I could equally shut us in our house and be with my family alone. Another thing I've thought of is if T have his ops in Norfolk then we will have a much much better support available for both of us and it would be a hell of a lot better and he could have plenty of time to heal, no rushing it. He is so keen to live near them and I know it is the best thing for Angel. So now it's only hoping the sale goes through and trying to keep positive. Trying to cope, knowing there are more germs but also knowing that they will be better off and maybe even I will be eventually, maybe.

Awakening

I'm not where to start with this so I guess I'll just splurge it out and hope it makes sense.

First a quick recap. The last day I wrote was on Saturday, Sunday we didn't go out. Yesterday I wasn't sure about going out, I was having the problem where the weak afraid emet driven person was battling with the stronger more determined person and I went out with T and Angel for a walk. I kept going that little bit further, pushing it that bit more until I got to the post office where we were heading and then the confident self snapped into place and I was fine. I ate on the way home and not my usual picking the food out of my bag where it's hidden but actually holding the packet crisps in my hands properly, not hiding that I'm eating or what I'm eating. (I also danced around a scaffolding pole, and giggled in public). :/

My day started good today, it's my closest friends birthday and it just felt like a special day, like we were sharing it with her :) Angel and I didn't go out but my grandparents came round out of the blue after I'd had a staying in breakfast and hadn't even brushed my hair. I calmly opened the door and I couldn't have asked for a better behaved puppy or daughter, they both shone for me and I was incredibly proud. I didn't even get anxious let alone panic and then when they were about to go my grandma turned to Angel and said, "I hope father Christmas brings you lots of presents" Angel looked up at her and said "Father Christmas doesn't bring me presents, I celebrate Yule with Mummy and Daddy". My grandma looked taken aback and asked me what she'd said so I repeated it calmly and explained what she'd meant to much nodding from Angel. Proud turned to beaming and I stood up for what I believed in and didn't just smooth over or ignore the Merry Christmas's. They (especially Grandma) was understanding and even knew a few things about the Winter Solstice celebration.

Slight pause here, Puppy was just poorly, I knew it was going to happen as soon as I heard the noises but I bravely, unbothered or stupid, I didn't look away. At the time I looked after him while T dealt with it but now, well here comes the panic. ...

Hopefully I can write through some of it because I really want to get down what's happening. My family have managed to trigger me again. It starts with something small and petty and it grows and forces memories back inside my mind. My family yet again have been getting crapper and crapper, the visits from dad and P have dropped down to almost nothing and when they do visit they don't stay very long before dad is rushing off to see one of his latest girlfriends. When they do come, they're quiet, not talkative, not fussed about playing with Angel and generally it's just strained and awkward. Only back in the summer dad and P would come over, bring cakes or something nommy to eat and stay for hours, most of the afternoon. Dad has made promises he hasn't kept, about helping with fixing the house and decorating. He left getting Angel's Yule present until the last minute and they were all sold out, then tonight I find out that he's given the money to P so she can get it from the internet and get it delivered (this bloody late) probably so he doesn't have to come over again before Christmas. Not only did I find out that P is doing the last minute shopping and making sure she and dad are only spending the bare minimum on Angel and that they won't be delivered no where near in time, but also that she's not planning to come round until the weekend. On Saturday it's Yule and it's our family day, Sunday Ant's mum and dad are coming to visit for the day and we rarely get to see them. She knows both of those things and she sure as hell won't be coming when we already have plans. The only day she can come now to get Angel's present to her before Yule is on Friday afternoon, 1 the presents wont be delivered to her in time and 2, although she doesn't go to school in the afternoon, she never ever gets her lazy, self conceited arse over her under her own steam unless there is something in it for her.
I havn't heard from my nanny at all, apparently she asked M (the estranged mother) and P what Angel wanted and never bothered contacting me.

I rarely see my grandma and granddad but without fail they always give Angel a gift and a card but most importantly; a visit. The same goes for T's parents and most of his family.

So, with my families nice behavior dragging up lots of buried memories of my childhood, that rant brings me onto the scarier stuff. T has been contemplating, planning and plotting.

Plan 1, once his operations on his knees are over and he's okay again (if they work out right) he's going to make a career change. Over the space of about a year to a year and a half he will be doing a professional trade training course to train as a freelance plumber. Once he's qualified and working in his new job we will move up to Norfolk, and sell the house from afar, to be nearer his family and where is best for him and for Angel.

Plan 2, Is the house sells before that time, we move into the spare apartment/house attached to T's mum and dad's house and he'll do an intensive training course and once he's up and running as a plumber we'll get our new house.

So the overall outcome over the next 3 years unless T's knees aren't made substantially better by the op's, is for us to move to Norfolk, hundreds of miles away from my family and the only friend that lives near me.

Not only is the emet side of me terrified but I also don't want to allow them close to me, don't want them to see what I'm really like, what I put Angel and T through just by being the fucked up me that I am.

Everything is changing around me and I don't feel like I can hang on tonight. It doesn't help that I haven't slept for half a week again, but my world is changing and even if it's a good change, change is scary.

Nothing right

I'd like to say that since my last blog entry things have improved but they are very much all over the place. I am still feeling very desperate and like self-harming but I feel like I have to keep it all hidden inside right now. Part of me wants to hand the knives over, stop the self-harming, show myself and everyone else that I have the strength to do it. But on the other hand its one thing that I enjoy doing, it costs nothing and it usually causes no lasting damage. If i decide that I'm going to stop then decide to start again then I will be even more of a failure, it's a huge commitment to make and I don't know that I'd ready to yet, I like doing it.

This time of the year everything is focused around family, how Christmas is all about family and getting together. The only family I have doesn't bother with me unless they have to. It's what I'm used to, it's who I am, I've always been the odd one out, the freak and solitary. There is T's family now but I can't stand seeing them this time of the year because of the extra germs and the extreme illness that happened a few years ago. I didn't want to see them at all, especially knowing that they have recently been ill but when T was in tears tonight because of how much he misses them and how much my family doesn't fill that gap I agreed that they could come visit for one day but just his mum and dad and on the Friday before Yule. He rang them and its turned out that his mum and dad aren't coming until the day after Yule, which is usually when I fall hard and the the following week his brother, sister-in-law and their kids are all coming. The only reason I'm allowing this is to make him happy and I won't tell him just how unhappy and anxious it makes me. I'll wait until he goes to be and cry.

Yesterday I spent most of the day doped up on ibuprofen which is the only pain killer I can take thanks to allergies etc I wasn't dying or anything like that, but it did feel like my stomach was being torn out through my bellybutton. Who would have thought something as simple as a period could cause such pain? The pains were so similar (although nowhere near as painful) as labor pains and it pressed a lot of buttons with me, leaving me in tears for most of the evening.The flashbacks were bad and the nausea caused by the physical pain and the mental pain was nasty. I ended up laying on the floor with a hot water bottle trying to work on a jigsaw.

Today I got up, showered and dosed myself up again so that I could go out. I wasn't keen on the idea being in pain but I felt like I needed to and I got in the car and we went. The first shop we went in I stayed in the car with Angel then the second shop, I was very nervous but I got out anyway. I forced myself to look round for the things I needed, I stayed in even though everything in me was telling me to go back. I pushed it all away and concentrated on what I was supposed to be looking for. After the pushing and forcing I calmed down and was able to stay calm enough to get the things I needed then eat a big lunch when we got home.
I spent the afternoon making the walls and chimney for the gingerbread house I'm making for Yule.

My sister and my dad came around, but it wasn't a great visit again; they barely talked or interacted with us and to be honest I don't know why they bother any more. Since P broke up with her boyfriend we've barely seen her at all and I can't deny that I feel used, all those times she stayed over just so she was nearer to town to meet him and barely spent any actual time with us. We always try to do so much for her, we're always there for her but like the rest of my family she only seems to want to know us when there is something in it for her.

I have something else that I'm bottling up that I want to have a good moan about but I'm afraid that I will upset people I actually care about so for now I'm keeping it to myself.

Tonight I just feel like I can't do anything right, I'm working my ass off to do everything in the house to make everyone happy, keep everyone fed and clean. T's knees still hurt though, he's still upset and in pain. I'm not going to be able to make Yule what it should be, It doesn't feel special like it should and I don't think it's going to. I just don't have it in to me to make festivity.

If I could have one wish today, I would wish to cry all my fears away.

Today has been awful.

I started the day with nightmares about an ex friend who lives very close to where I do so there is a big risk of bumping into her.

I didn't feel like going out and challenging my fears so I stayed in, I ate things I wanted to eat rather than what I should and the puppy wound me up all morning. Angel behaved okay and we spent a while playing on my computer and doing a craft activity. Lunch time came and Angel had started to get a bit moody which she always does (like me) when she's not eaten for a while. I made lunch and ended up losing half of mine to her and didn't bother making myself anything else. By the time lunch was over Angel was showing signs of being exhausted and was beginning to play up. I thought I'd let her just have some time to play with whatever she wanted which is what she usually prefers to do when she's tired. She got one thing out then another and another and didn't want to put them away after herself. She just couldn't settle on anything and I decided it might be best lay her down for a nap, I was so tired of telling her off and trying to reason with her. She stropped all the way up the stairs until my patience was even more thin, then  lay her in her cot and as usual explained to her that she didn't have to go to sleep, she just needed to have a little rest, she could tell Teddy and Monster all about what she'd been doing that morning, etc etc. I left the room and within a few minutes of me sitting down she was playing up again and I got annoyed but managed to keep calm and quieten her down, yet again explaining to her. I came out of her room to the smell of something nasty, I knew right away it was the puppy despite the fact that I'd only taken him outside for the toilet only minutes before. The kitchen was a state, it was everywhere and I got had to get down on my hands and knees and clean the whole floor with antibacterial spray while listening to Angel crying and creating on the monitor because I couldn't just leave it and go to her. By the time I'd cleaned up and everything was safe and hopefully germ free I needed to wash my hands even though I'd used gloves, so with plenty of soap, boiling water and the last few mins I washed them thoroughly then ran upstairs to Angel in fear that she was feeling poorly or something by the way she was going on.

I got in her bedroom to find that she wasn't hurting, feeling poorly or anything remotely important or life threatening, her blanket was simply a little disturbed and sitting wrong. I straightened it out and went into my bedroom in exhausted tears knowing exactly what I'd do.

No more than a minute later I was trying to stop the blood and calling T while beginning to shake violently and crying uncontrollably. He answered right away and dropped everything to come home to me even though I told him it wasn't life threatening I was just scared etc. Before he got home Angel started up again and I went into her and had to lift her with the wound to the loo and get her a drink before I put her in her cot again once more explaining as calmly as I could that she needed to get some rest. I left the room and the shaking and crying started again. T got home ten minutes later and stitched my wound and dressed it then took over with Angle for five minutes.

Unfortunately T had to go back out a short while later to the hospital to get the results of his MRI scan. We knew that either way the results would be bad but the worst was confirmed. He has very bad damage to both knees and they both need operations. He has to have the right one done first because that is the worse one and if he leaves that he will be crippled for life. He should be in and out the same day but each one will take about a month to heal which means that I will be in full charge of everything for that time and then after while he's having physio. Last time he went into hospital the same time last year (in Jan) he nearly didn't come out and I 'still' couldn't get myself to go in and be with him. He says that in some ways he prefers me being at home, that way her knows that me and Angel are safe and he has everything ready to come home to, whereas if I went he would be worrying about how I was coping, worrying about my phobias and panic and I'd have a lot to sort out when we got home to make the house comfortable for him. I think it's already a set thing that I most likely won't be going in with him. Now I need to get the strength over the next few weeks to deal with this a cope when what I really want to do right now is shut myself away and hide from everything.

Tonight I am going to panic, tonight, I will keep crying even though my eyes are red and painful. My head is thumping and my stomach is roiling in protest to everything. I don't want to wake up tomorrow, I don't want to see another day and for now that will have to do, I'm running on empty, I have nothing else to give.

December fears

It's that time of the year when in the past the illnesses have started and true to that I have a cold. Don't get me wrong I'd rather that than the other but it just reminds me that the germs are all around us and even someone like me who has major limited social interactions can catch things.

Usually the bugs start when we put the decorations up and against all my fears and beliefs that day was yesterday. T had suggested it and although I was unsure both he and Angel were excited for it and I have to admit probably through insanity so was I a little. It still doesn't feel very sparkly and Yule like but I guess if I get ill it will. Tonight I'm lying in bed feeling unwell in more ways than one and panicking that I'm going to get it. That the germs are out to get me and could already be inside me.

This was supposed to be a catch up entry but with all my panic and anxiety everything I was going to write has gone from my mind.

Need to go find a distraction now.

No idea what possesses me

T let me sleep in an extra hour or two this morning and the difference it made to my mood and my ability to wake up was amazing. I didn't expect to be going out because of how bad T's knees had been the previous day so I had more coffee than I would let myself have going out on and I also had some chocolate which is a huge no no for going out on as I've probably said before.

T then suggested that we just pop out to the retail park nearest us so I could have a look for the last Yule present for Angel. Needles to say I was very unsure and scared. I don't know what possessed me; I got the bags ready, got myself ready and in ten minutes we were in the car. The rive over wasn't so bad, I kept telling myself I would be okay, it's just simply thoughts that I'm not well and thoughts can't hurt me. We got there and again I was scared and worried, but I got out of the car, and went around the whole shop expecting us to be going home afterwards. I won't deny that I was anxious and on the verge of panic but something inside me kept going, wouldn't give up, even when T suggested we drive down to the other end of the retail park to get Angel some new shoes, or when from there we drove across town to the supermarket to get food instead of going home. I don't know where the strength comes from sometimes when I feel so weak I don't want to wake up some days. We didn't park near the shop, we parked in the middle and T and Angel went in to start the shopping while I went into the other shop on my own and got Khan some new balls (he's already massacred some of his), a new calender for next year, some chocolate for me (it fell in to the basket, not my fault) and also some wrapping paper to wrap all the presents. I was panicky, I thought about leaving a few times but again that force drove me on and I got all I needed to get, paid and went back out to the car to put the things I'd brought. T and Angel were still in the supermarket and after talking to T we decided that I should just wait in the car for them because of how on edge I was feeling and how far away the car was from the shop. I sat in the car and nibbled some crisps, had a drink and realised I needed a pee (I know you didn't want to know that). I sat there thinking, 'I'll be fine till we get home, If I go in I might be ill in public, I won't be able to get back to the car in time if I do, I'm scared........... etc' Then I thought 'nope, they're just thoughts' and goodness knows how; got back out of the car, locked it and went into the shop and to the toilets. I promised myself it would only take a few moments, I wouldn't touch anything (they're sensor toilets thankfully) and I will use handgel to be sure then I'll go back out to the car and wait. I kept true to the not touching anything and the hand gel, the going back to the car though, I didn't. I came out of the toilets and walked all the way down to the other end of the shop to where T was loading the shopping into the trolley and paying and I gave Angel and huge hug and then helped T. I was almost shaking from fear but I wouldn't let it stop me; I walked out of there like a normal mother and wife and I don't even know how.

I was telling T today how sometimes just thinking about the things I've been doing, or am thinking of doing give me a panic attack just from the terror of what I push myself to do that I would never have dreamed of doing. Again thinking about it now is causing panic and shock, I'm sitting her shaking my head and biting my lip in puzzlement. I don't feel like me, I'm not me, I don't know whats happening.

This afternoon Kardi came over and he once again helped out with Angel and also played with Khan while I chatted to him and got an order put together from my shop. Later my dad and sister came round and once again we had a housefull. I was feeling a bit on edge but I kept my calm, concentrated on Angel and played with her while Khan went to sleep on T, my dad mostly played on his phone and didn't talk much, P did a similar thing and me, T and Kardi chatted. I don't know why my dad bothers to come round anymore really, he didn't even both with Angel until he went and both he and P seemed put out about the fact that I had gotten a list of things together that Angel might like for Yule, P eve moaned about the price after saying she wanted to spend just under 50 and I chose something for Angel that was 20, she had the bloody cheek to ask me for my 10.00 voucher I got for doing a questionnaire to make the price cheaper!!

The last thing I want to write on here is another little thing I did this evening; I've had a little Mrs Tiddlewinkle  tin for as long as I can remember, my mum gave it to me and inside I kept jewellery and things my mum gave me. I've never ever been able to get rid of it, I've kept it for years like baggage, taking it to where I live and keeping it shut away. I ended up roping myself into tidying the dining room this evening and T came across it where I'd stashed it out of sight and mind. He knew it was mine and silently went to put it back into the bag he'd found it in but I took it off him, opened it and looked inside. This time I didn't see guilt, I didn't see chains or locks, or keys to my heart or head. I found a load of old bracelets with coloured plastic beads and an old tin which had some paint worn off and was beginning to go a little rusty inside.
I told T what it had meant to me, how long I'd been keeping it and then I dropped it into the bin bag and told him I don't need it anymore.