Vexed

I'm really pissed off which may make this entry shitty to read and I don't blame you if you'd rather not.

Today started okay, I got up to my alarm for once and T went out to work for the first time in about a week and I did the housewife thing of staying home and looking after everything. The morning was fine, the puppy messed me about when he got too excited but apart from that it was alright. Me and Angel had a nice time doing colouring and stickers, jigsaws and having lunch. After lunch we played with some playdoh then T came home. Angel started playing up, she seemed to be tired and if I was home alone I wouldn't have put her in her cot because every time I do I find it too stressful and end up self harming etc. I was very unsure about it but T wanted her to go have a nap. He took her up and from the moment it was suggested she cried, played up and moaned. T kept going back into her and she continued to mess about. I started to get angry, not just from her but from him too, the way they were both hitting off each other and the noise and everything. I was already pissed off when she was brought back downstairs. My mood went further and further downhill as we took the tree down( I'd had enough of it) and then tidied and stuff. The puppy kept playing up, biting etc and I was so fucked off with the noise if him being told off. I told T, although it was obvious anyway, how annoyed I was getting, and how much i wanted to self harm. especially as I was trying to move the furniture in the room back to normal. I think Angel the only one not peeing me off really. I decided to put puppy in the garden for 5 mins to calm him down and me down too. He refused to and tripped me up and that was it, I lost it. I made a big dent in the wall from slamming it open. I shouted and I told T I just needed up get out. I went upstairs and grabbed a blade, grabbed a coat and went out, kissing Angel along the way then slamming the door in my anger.

I walked up the road and around the corner into an industrial estate when barely anyone would be. I sat down on a wall and just stared at nothing. I thought about everything. I wanted to go further, walk until my feet bled but my stupid fears and anxiety kept me there, not far from the house. So angry with myself.

I know I couldn't hide for long, T text mr to ask about dinner and whether he should do it. I took a few more minutes then came home ready for the mental beating, the shouting, anger and shunning but it never came. I got back, made sure Anfel was okay and T was behaving normal as if nothing happened. This peed me off more. He's still behaving normal now and I can't understand that. I need to be hurt, I don't care how but I need it.

Siting here now I can feel my anger riding again. I'm a fucking bitch, a disgusting excuse for a wife and mother and part of me hopes that when I tell T I can't go to Norfolk with him that he will leave me here. I can die, it's the least I deserve to miss out on my child's life, miss out on a new life. I'm not ready for it, I don't deserve it and I certainly don't want to be included and loved. I'm am a disgusting little fucker, was from the day I was burn, fucking hideous both inside and out. I shouldn't have survived this far, I don't deserve a life like normal people, I'm not normal.
When Angel goes to bed I'm going to go and be alone.

I don't believe this they're at it again, arguing and shouting.

Just fuck it.